saturated

I know I was shaking. I want to get out of this place. It's suffocating. This had all been too much. Why had my life come to this point? Everything is going wrong. It is slipping through my hand and I can do nothing. I want to erase my memory. Every moment felt like a scene from a horrifying movie. It is a sickening nightmare where the ill effects make me believe the world is tearing me down. Do I have the courage to keep going? What more do I have to face and how much more do I have to lose?

Fighting to not shed any tears, and getting ahold of myself, I stripped off my clothes and entered the bathtub filled with very hot water. I scrubbed and scrubbed, wanting to get rid of the feelings of everyone's dirty hands and scornful gazes on me. I felt dirty. I was baffled and angry with myself for willing to go that far to survive as I imagined Noah's tongue on my neck and the bastard who was about to rape me. I lathered my body from head to toe, scrubbing my skin rashly. I was breathing hard and the memories built inside me. The shame, the guilt and the anger. The scene played over and over in my head. No matter how disgusted it made me, I couldn't stop thinking.

'I'm waiting impatiently for the day when you will stoop to my level.'

I rubbed my skin harder. I want to erase their touch but no matter how much I rubbed or scalded, I can't seem to. My arm became pale red. I could see the marks that were caused by rubbing my already delicate skin numerous times. It was least of my concern. I was saturated.

'Who are you to assume who is the culprit? Who is the victim? You'll end up ruining people's lives badly.'

I breathed heavily. When I've had enough of the scrubbing, I let the tears break loose as I hugged my knees to my chest and wept. I just want to live a normal life. No pain. No crying. Is it too much if I thought that I deserved a happy ending?

Determined to put a stop to the memory and the feelings it evoked in my body, I blasted myself in the face with ice cold water, ignoring the goosebumps on my skin until I was shivering from too many overwhelming emotions. Cold. Anger. Heartbreak. Agony. I couldn't keep it in anymore. All his words kept echoing through my head. I have to keep my problems aside and think of my country. My life is not important. My duty comes first.

'Nothing is impossible. You are blinded by your own prejudices. Are you not?'

Am I really blinded by my own conclusions? Is Michaelson innocent in this case?

'What do you know about him? Well I don't regret torturing him. He deserved it.'

Who was he? What about that body and those pictures then? Those weapons? How did he get them from the FBI headquarters? Someone from the headquarters has been leaking information for a long time. If ever Michaelson is not the real culprit, the real one would still be roaming outside.

Now that I think of it. The victims were sexually assaulted and then killed. He may be a virgin. How do I verify this fact? It's very unlikely for someone like him to be a virgin. I believe people like him are dirty and narrow minded who lust after a woman's body and money. They rape and kill. Relationships and feelings don't stand in their way. What exactly are you Michaelson?

The murder weapons were different. A serial killer would never change his ways of killing his prey nor would he allow anyone else to be his partner. Murder is considered a pure worship and an intimate thing. Michaelson is a psychopath as well as a crime lord. He wouldn't mind killing anyone. He tortures for his pleasure which he does personally.

Why would he draw smileys on their faces? He is not a doctor. But Ortega may be one. A doctor won't do a surgery without assistance. Similarly, the doctor killer won't perform such clean surgery without help. The doctor can't be a serial killer. Besides, the killings had 2 different patterns. The smiley bodies and the no smiley bodies. The serial killer does not sew the smileys. The smiley is a symbol stitched with only red string.

Shit. It's damn confusing.

Why didn't I get that before? I must explore every possibility. I don't want guilt in my conscience. I allowed my body to sink in the water completely with my eyes closed.

Michaelson has no reason to lie when he can simply get my tongue cut off or is he trying to mess with my brain to kill time. He was someone who saved me from being raped. He wouldn't support a rapist. That was a big deal from a crime lord. I'm very grateful. A person can't be hundred percent evil. I have seen a glimpse of his humanity. I'm an FBI agent. I've been with countless criminals. There is a loop here. Maybe I was wrong about Michaelson. Or. Is he trying to save the killer? Is that his dear one? If that is so, then he will take me to the assassins. One thing is for sure. There are many killers linked to this. There is surely a more concise pattern. Michaelson can be either the serial killer or with the doctor. Though, he seems to be the one who leads rather than following a particular group such as a cult.

I got my head out of the water and caught my breath. That strange dizziness is back. I held my head. Will that crazy headache come back too? My head was spinning. If I'm really sick, I must execute the culprits before I breathe my last breath.

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

I saw a tall silhouette standing there by the window. My heart sank as he kept advancing and reduced the gap slowly. By the scent, I had no doubts about who this was.

"Sugar" he breathed the nickname he gave me, making my skin tremble.

The way it left his mouth as he pronounced it with his sweet voice made a gasp leave my mouth as I choked, unable to speak a word. His gentle voice shook me to the core.

"I'm such a jerk"

I blinked so I made sure I wasn't dreaming.

"Sef" he repeated my name. My nickname sounded wrong when Noah had uttered it. Now I know why.

Before me was the man, I gave up long to ever see him again. I didn't move an inch and instead stayed stiff, still. Though he had been wrong to me, I had wished to shout at him, tell him how much I cried. He troubled me, I couldn't eat though I'm usually a foodie. Yet I couldn't. My feet resisted to run to his embrace with a thin restraint in me. The faint sounds of his shoes against the floor heightened my nervousness.

"I hate it when you do this to me"

I tried to make my voice stable.

He was very close to me now, I could feel him and see him. I grasped his hand. He was real. He was really here. I let go of his hand. I had imagined this moment so many times. Rays of light reflected on his face, highlighting the golden sparks in his eyes. There was no way I could mistake his eyes. Those deep light colored eyes under his dark eyelashes. His bangs fell before his beautiful eyes. The intensity of his eyes had my stomach lurching inside me. His lips were slightly parted giving his face a smile. A tormented look. His eyes didn't sparkle the way they would respond to his smile. He was faking it. He was offering me a smile and I could see through his pretense. His skin was paler. He had small bags under his eyes. They made him look strained and exhausted.

"So, do I"

He pressed his lips in a thin line, his voice shaky, as he lowered his gaze, his orbs quickly filled with tears. The skin of his forehead wrinkled a bit. My heart dropped as a lonely tear slowly streamed down his cheek. I see he was trying to break the urge to hug me.

"Hey" I rest my hands on his heaving shoulders.

The way his presence sent thrills through me was magical. Where he should be comforting me, it was the other way round. I pulled away from his warm self with my heart pounding. The tip of my finger traced the damp trails along the way of the drops that just left his eyes on his cheeks.

"I am sorry. I am really sorry" he whispered.

It was pissing me off that at this point, I still cared how much he was hurt when he left me, ignoring my feelings.

"Anse" I said, stretching out his name.

He furrowed his eyes apologetically. It was hard for him to leave me. He couldn't bring himself around yet to tell me the reason for his sudden departure, making me all the way into the agony. Did he not trust me? Was he not loved enough? Whatever. Now that he was here with me. That was enough...more than enough.

Maybe he was staying low for some reason. I won't pry him to tell me though the thought of him going away for the second time made it all the more painful. I swallowed the lump formed in my throat to prevent me from vocalizing my thoughts. I stared at my fingers entangled with his, amazed at how real everything felt. I missed this. Him. While my brain focused on our hands, I realized he was slowly letting go of my hands. My eyes darted to his face. I watched as he raised his deep orbs to meet mine.

"I love you sugar" he finally uttered those words.

They were mere words that brought me back the warmth of life. I was already on the verge of breaking down. He took another step to close the invisible gap between us. He brought warmth to my cheeks, putting a strand of hair away from my cheek, his finger intertwined with my hair. He took my face in his palms, stroking my cheek gently with his thumb. I needed this.

One thing that I can't deny is seeing his face made me realize how much I've been really missing him. I felt his touch that I've been craving much for. I wrapped my hands around his neck, closing the distance between us. He placed his forehead on my shoulder. I dug my hands in his messy hair and gently rubbed on his neck.

His one hand held my waist. He buried his face into the crook of my neck. I couldn't think straight, not with his breathing sending a breeze on my neck. And then, I felt his cool and wet lips on my neck, kissing me there. He peppered my skin with sweet affection. My eyes fluttered shut. He continued to trace his mouth along the area, sucking on my skin, grazing it with his teeth. I hissed in pain, tightening my grip in his hair. He then licked the spot where he bit, soothening it with his tongue. It felt pleasurable. Slow. Soft. Sweet. His hands slittered under my shirt, groping the bare curvy area above my hip. His tongue slided to my collarbone, sucking and licking it. He was going towards my breasts.

I really needed this. Maybe I don't. I felt my chest filling with uncomfort in a second and all the love and sadness was replaced by a foreign feeling. For the stranger. All my muscles tightened and I put my hands on his chest to push him. As he removed his hand from my shirt, I kept back a whine that threatened to spill out. My body was always so responsive to him and craved his touch. He threw me a puzzled and disheartened look, taken aback by me pushing him away.

"Don't-" I took a step backward.

His expressions hardened. The softness in his gaze disappeared. Where he placed his hands on my body felt cold then.

"Is there another person?" he pulled me by my shoulders abruptly.

Something in his tone irritated me.

"Is that what it is?" he nibbled on his lower lip, infuriated.

I never loved anyone except him. I never fucked anyone apart you if that is what you were asking. You had my v card and me.

The strong urge of wanting to hurt him as he had hurt me surfaced me. I yanked him off abruptly and the sudden gesture caught him off guard as he took a step back, hurt, lost and confused. I instantly regretted it. I felt my heart ache at his sad eyes. He clenched his jaw and pressed the inside of his cheek, his eyes glossy. The tips of my fingers started tingling.

His face now offered me no affection in a matter of seconds. He was cold. I never ever wished to see all his affection and fondness for me to ever drain from his face. It shrank my heart further. My breath got stuck in my throat as he shortened the distance in one stride and his lips curled in a light smile.

"Why are you here?" I asked.

He grabbed my chin with care to raise my face.

"Look me into my eyes"

He always had a thing for eye contact. He absolutely loved it. Whenever I looked away, he would turn my face back to his. I met his eyes that were now colored with a burning hope and hopeless passion. Should I crush the hope in them? I tried to break free from his intense gaze. Before I had the chance to pull away, he got rid of the distance between our faces.

His lips brushed against mine lightly, going towards my ear. He slightly nibbled at my earlobe and sucked it. I let out a slight moan. He continued to nibble and bite them since he knew it was my most sensitive area. I forgot how to push him, engulfed in this feeling. He then licked it and I shivered. He felt me shiver. It left me with an unsatiated emotion. His palm claimed my waist again, slipping under my clothes and grazing at my soft skin. He raised his head to look at me, straightening himself. Desperate to feel him once more, I tiptoed so my lips touched his lips again as I closed my eyes and parted my lips. He took my upper lip in between his and sucked on it lightly and pulled away slowly. I felt my breathing was not going back to normal sooner.

"Why aren't you stopping me?" he whispered, flustered.

"Stop in 5 seconds"

"10 seconds"

He desperately latched his lips onto mine, sucking them into his mouth. This feeling had always been so beautiful. His other hand snaked around my throat to deepen the kiss. He pushed his tongue inside my mouth. His lips were like candy floss. Sweet and smelling divine which melted in my tongue, leaving behind a sweet sugary aftertaste.

"Okay. 10 more times 3" he said pulling me closer.

His mouth was tasting every inch of mine. He slowly broke our mouth apart. My thoughts were in a tangled loop watching as he opened his eyes. His lips were flushed and swollen.

He placed his forehead against mine, our breathing labored.

"To make my girl herself again" he gently squeezed my hand in a comforting manner.

It was not fake, the feelings residing in my heart for him. They were sparked though they may take time to surface. He hurt me. I would take time to try to bring everything to normal. But one can forgive and not forget. My eyes traveled behind him, around to scan our surroundings. I recognized that we were in our home.

"You are much stronger than you think you are. You can live without me. Because you have the capacity to do anything you wish to. You don't need anyone to determine yourself. You are the strong woman that I fell in love with. I'm proud that you've done so well this far. You are not pathetic" he said in a low voice and hugged me.

I hugged him back, tightly. Is he bidding me farewell again saying that I don't need him?

"Don't leave me. Please Anse. I need you. You promised. I thought I could bear anything. But I can't deal with your absence. It's too hard. I can't move on"

He said we were soulmates. We had promised to stop loving each other when we could no longer. I cried. Why aren't you standing by your word this time? His hand cupped my head to pull me closer. I can't let him go again.

"Breathe for me" he whispered.