chapter four: decisions.

I startle awake, gasping for air and hands reaching upwards. I feel hot and heavy, sweat sitting on my forehead and my clothes drenched in it. The feeling alone disgusts me, I do hate sweating which is funny because I find comfort in the heat. Still laying on the bed, I look around at my surroundings. I'm met with familiar wooden ceilings and a white curtain that surrounds me. Ah, so I'm inside our town's infirmary, wonderful.

Not.

How in the world did I get here and why am I here?

You're awake! Says a tiny voice. We've been waiting for you to awaken but you never did. Did I overdo it with my magic?

"What—?" I pick up my head just a bit to see It again. The fire salamander sits comfortably on my chest, as if it belongs there. Ridiculous. "What are you doing here?"

I've been waiting for you, it says. You've been asleep for three days now.

Three days? That can't be right… "But you shouldn't be here, you should be—"

I'm cut off as someone pulls back the white curtain to the side, revealing our town's doctor Mr. Hartwell and Tomas. The two men look at me with surprise before it switches to relief. "Happy to have you back in the land of the living, Ms. Pryde," says Mr. Hartwell. "We were all worried about you."

"Yeah, well, I'm glad to be back." Though, I'm not sure how I feel about what he just said. Back in the land of the living, as if I was dead. But I wasn't dead, it didn't feel like I was dead. It felt more like I was sleeping as usual, nothing more than that. Perhaps that's how death feels to those who have died. As if they're sleeping deeply, never to wake up despite wanting to. I sit up, or at least, attempt to and it's a pathetic attempt. Tomas has to help me, he gently places his hands on my back and stomach to slowly assist me. It's embarrassing, I've never needed assistance like this before, not from Tomas at least. "So," I say, finally in a comfortable position to converse with the two men. The fire salamander sits comfortably on my lap like a dog, I bite back the urge to pet it. "How long have I been here? A few hours, correct?"

The fire salamander gives me a look and says something but I ignore it. I couldn't trust what this little guy says, I needed to hear it from a human, not some trickster magical creature.

Mr. Hartwell grabs the chart that sits on the small table beside my bed. "It's been three days." He answers. "We were beginning to worry that you'll never wake up."

"Oh." Okay, so the little guy was right but it's still hard to believe. "So I was just… sleeping here? Due to an overload of my magic, I'm guessing."

The two men share a look that makes me anxious. Mr. Hartwell then looks at me with the shake of his head. "You weren't just sleeping, Ms. Pryde. You were burning. A fever that wouldn't break no matter what we gave you."

That would explain the sweat. A fever, goodness. I don't remember the last time I had a fever, both in this life and in my previous one. I look down at the fire salamander who just rests calmly with its eyes shut. To think, I passed out and had a fever all because of this little thing… Wait a minute. "Can you explain to me why I'm still in possession of the fire salamander?" I ask Tomas, no longer caring about my wellbeing. Well, okay, I do still care about my health but it can wait. What's more important is the mission and the object we promised to find, which is sitting on my lap like a pet.

Tomas scratches his neck, a nervous habit of his. Oh goodness, what happened while I was out? "Yeah… about that…"

I groan, pinching the bridge of my nose. "Spit it out, Tomas. Why is it still with me?"

"It wouldn't leave you," he says. "No matter what we tried to do, the thing wouldn't leave your side. If we tried to grab it, it would set itself on fire and try to burn us. Then when we would step back, it would rest on top of you or just… disappear."

"Disappear?"

He nods. "Yes. One minute, it's sitting on top of you, the next minute… it's gone. As if it just vanished."

Vanished. I almost laugh. I can imagine where the thing went, probably inside of me. That's probably why they were unable to obtain him. "A surprise to the Duke I assume."

"He was very surprised," Tomas says with a nod. "His knights weren't too happy. They thought that you did something to the creature to cause it to cling to you and disappear whenever someone tried to take it. It got to the point where one of the knights was going to use magic on you."

"On an unconscious woman? They were ready to attack me?"

Tomas' expression sours. "They were," he says. "But it's alright, we all stood in front of him to protect you! We may not be as strong as some knights but we can still hold our own, especially when it means protecting one of our own."

My stomach flutters and his words put me to ease. The love that the townspeople have for me… it's so different from what I'm used to when I lived as Ivy Martin. That sense of community that I never had, everyone was too busy worrying about themselves to even offer a hand out to others. While I understood why, I always dreamed of having said community and shoulder to lean on outside of Iris. Iris. I do hope that she has found a community who can help her after my death. What I have with the townspeople is what she needs from others.

"Thank you," I say. "For protecting me. And I'll tell you now that I did not use magic on this creature, I was too busy trying to catch it and fighting off that damned wolf."

The two men perked up as I mention the wolf. "Sorren, that wolf that you…" Tomas doesn't finish his sentence, unsure of what to say or how to say it. "When we found you, we saw it. The wolf. Burning and howling as you stood in front of its body. How were you able to do it? I thought your magic skills were terrible."

I try not to wince. While he is right, my magic skills are terrible, it still hurts to hear it. "They are," I say. "But it's because of this little guy that I was able to burn the wolf. It gave me some extra… power."

Tomas nods and Mr. Hartwell looks at me with concern. "Well, during your fight with that wolf, it wounded you." He points to my arm. "It scratched you and caused you to bleed. We stopped the bleeding and wrapped your arm but… it'll leave an unfortunate scar."

I look at my arm, the bandage around my upper arm. Mr. Hartwell continues. "Duke Caspian offered to have a mage come and heal it for you. That way that there's not a scar. Mrs. Beans was here when he said it and begged for him to do so. She said that no woman should be left with such a terrible scar on her skin."

This time I do laugh, though, it lasts for a few seconds before I groan in pain. Tomas reaches down to check on me and Mr. Hartwell offers to get me some medicine but I waved the two away. "I'm fine," I say. "And tell the Duke that I do not need his mage. I'm fine with keeping the scar." Nothing wrong with the daughter of a knight to have her first ever battle wound.

"You can tell me yourself." The three of us look up and there, standing at the entryway is Duke Caspian and—

"Father?" I say, my eyes landing on my father who keeps his head down and bites nervously on his nails. A habit that he only does when he's nervous and worried. My heart sinks at the sight of him. I really worried him, huh?

Duke Caspian gives my father a look, one similar to what he gave me days ago. While my father cannot see the man's expression, I'm sure he can feel it. Duke Caspian then looks back at me. "You're awake. That's good." Despite his words, it doesn't sound like he's happy that I've awaken. "We need to talk. Now."

Mr. Hartwell shifts his entire body towards Duke Caspian. "She only just woke up," he says. "She needs to rest some more before talking with you."

"She can rest later. The three of us need to talk."

Both Mr. Hartwell and Tomas look ready to shout until I stop them. "We can talk," I say, surprising the two older men. I smile gently at them. "It's fine. I'll rest after I'm done speaking with the Duke."

Neither of them return my smile, understandable, but they do give in and leave so I can talk to Duke Caspian and my father. The two men stand beside my bed. My father on my right, his free hand holding mine, and Duke Caspian on my left, staring down at the fire salamander. The little guy doesn't react to either of the men, it just presses itself closer to my stomach and eyes closed as if it's sleeping. Oh how I wished to have its carefree attitude in this moment. "What do you want to talk about?"

Duke Caspian doesn't look at me. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Tell you what?"

"That your mother is Lavinia."

I'm caught off guard and more confused than before. "I didn't think that I needed to… Do you know my mother?"

My father squeezes my hand and I look at him. He's gnawing more and more on his finger that it worries me. Something is wrong and I believe that it has to do with the Duke. I grab my father's other hand, pulling it away from his mouth and it's the first time that he picks his head up.

Duke Caspian laughs drily and I turn back to him with a glare. "I would be a terrible father if I didn't."

Father? "I'm sorry, what do you mean—"

"Lavinia Caspian, my first and only child. A former imperial knight before she left her position to fall in love with a researcher and changed her name to Lavinia Pryde."

Lavinia Caspian. My mother is his… I grab my chest, my heart pounding and thrashing within my chest. I'm reminded of the fire salamander and how it called me "Lady Caspian". I'm reminded of the way the Duke was staring at me when he first met me. I'm reminded of my mother who never talked about her childhood or her parents. I'm reminded of the one night, many years ago, when I heard my parents talk quietly about my mother's father. The topic was a mystery to me but I do remember one thing: the hurt in my mother's voice. Ever since then, I never asked about my grandfather, I never wanted to hear the pain in my mother's voice. Now the same man is standing beside me, revealing his identity to me.

I feel faint.

"What do you want from me?"

I'm glad to see that he's just as uncomfortable as I am, his body still but his eyes never staying on one spot. Never did his eyes fall on me, that's how I know he's nervous and uncomfortable. Good, join the fucking party! "When Lavinia left our home over thirty years ago, I was heartbroken. She left behind her family and friends to live in a poor village with a no name researcher." My father squeezes my hand tightly and that alone made me want to pounce on my so called grandfather. However, I keep still (mostly because I'm still in pain and have no energy to fight, not now at least). "I tried to bring her home but she refused me every single time. As I mentioned, Lavinia is… was my only child. Her mother died when she was a child and I never remarried after that. It was only the two of us, we only had each other until she left me." I can hear the hurt in his voice, though, I'm unsure if I can feel sympathy for him, or if I should. "It wasn't until she told me to stop coming here if I refuse to accept her new family. She wanted me to accept your father in our family but I couldn't. He's a man with no status, no money, no family. Not only that, he's blind. How can I let someone like that into my family? It would only bring shame to the Caspian name."

"And years later you're still as unaccepting and rude to my father," I say, unable to contain my anger. "No wonder my mother told you to leave her alone. If she was still alive, I'm sure she would still say the same thing. You nasty, piece of shi—"

"Sorren."

I flinch, my father squeezing my hand tightly and his voice heavy, weighing me down and bringing me back to reality. The spirit of Ivy Martin took over, Duke Caspian reminding me of my previous father and his lack of accountability. He always made it seem like it was our fault for him leaving and not the other way around. Perhaps I am truly my mother's daughter…

Duke Caspian turns almost red in the face, his red eyes blazing like a fire. If looks could kill, I'm sure that I would've been burned alive. "How dare you speak to me in such a way," he says, his voice filling the entire space. "I am your grandfather—"

"Yes but only in name!" I cut him off, matching his anger. My father most likely wants me to stay quiet but I cannot. I cannot allow a man like this to speak to me like a child and as if he has any authority over me. "You may be my mother's father but you are not my grandfather. We are related by blood but you do not have the permission to call yourself my 'grandfather' when you haven't been there to care for me." His mouth hangs open, as if he's to say more but he snaps it shut, holding himself back. Good! He should learn to keep it shut unless he has something of importance to share. "If that is all then I ask that you leave. I'm tired and would like to re—"

"No, I'm not quite done." Duke Caspian cuts me off, his face no longer red but his eyes still burning. "Knowing that you are Lavinia's daughter, I cannot bring myself to allow you to live in such a place like this. It's not fitting for a lady of your status," he says.

I scoff. "Really? Then what do you find fitting for a lady of my status? Your estate?"

"Precisely."

I suddenly feel ill. "Why?"

He hesitates, avoiding my eye as he attempts to find the right words to say. If there are any to say. "As I've told you, Lavinia was my only family, I've been alone ever since she left our estate thirty years ago. However, to learn that you are her daughter, that you are my granddaughter—" I flinch, not really liking the word rolling off his tongue. "— then that means that I am not alone. That I do have family in this world and in my old age… I want nothing more than to be with my family."

His current words do not match what he said earlier. Where he says that my mother brought shame to the Caspian name, or how he disrespected my father. Despite the anger and judgement evident in his voice, this time all I can hear is… sadness. Loneliness. It makes me itch and deepens that sickly feeling that grows in me. The Duke watches me now, waiting for me to answer. For once, I don't know what to say.

"You should go with him." My attention snaps to my father, his head still down but his hand squeezing mine tightly. "He's right. You shouldn't be here."

"Excuse me?"

"You're a fantastic young woman, just like your mother, you deserve to live somewhere that will better you as a woman," he says, still avoiding my eyes but his words heavy. They weigh me down like an anchor, which is hilarious to think when he's trying to push me to leave our village. Our home, my home. "Maybe you'll be able to learn more about your magic and connect with your mother. Oh, you could try and become a knight like her, I know you're a fantastic swordsman, I'm sure you can do it."

My father means well, he only wants what's best for me, like any father should. I'm sure that's how Duke Caspian felt when it came to my mother back when she was alive and still living with him. The two fathers just want their daughters to be happy and well off, in their minds, they mean no harm. However, they are not the daughters in this situation. Whatever they believe to be "good" for their daughters does not translate the same to us. I'm sure my mother felt the same way when she was younger, the same that I'm feeling. And in this moment, I feel nothing more than anger. First at the Duke for trying to pull me away and second at my father who helps with pushing me away. The one person who's supposed to be on my side and he's not.

"No." I say, my frustration rising. "Neither of you get to decide on what's 'good' for me, even if we are related by blood. How do you know what's best for me? How?"

"Sorren, please—"

I snatch my hand away from him, resting it on my lap. "Leave," I say, turning my head forward, to avoid both of their faces. "I'm tired and want to rest."

My father picks up on my anger and does as I ask. Duke Caspian doesn't move right away, probably wanting to say more or to see a change in reaction, but eventually he leaves just the same. Then I'm left alone, with my thoughts of rage, frustration, and hurt. Falling back onto my pillows, I stare up at the ceiling, still feeling a bit sickly from the whole interaction. Obviously, I know what my answer is, it's the most appropriate answer to reject the Duke's offer— can I even call it an offer when it was more like a demand? However, with my father trying to push me to leave… I cannot understand why he would do that. The Duke has made it obvious that he does not like or accept my father, so why would he want me to go with a man like that? It just doesn't make any sense.

"Mother," I say. "If you were here, what would you tell me to do?"

Because I would rather follow what a dead woman tells me to do than two living and breathing men.

So, I wait. For a sign, a message from my mother. Though, nothing comes or happens. Time ticks away and I can see the sky changing through the window, though still nothing from my mother. Of course, even in a world like this, the dead cannot talk to the living. No matter how much you want them to.

. . .

"How long are you going to stay in bed, Sorren? It's been a week, you should be up and walking outside, enjoying the outdoors."

Today, Mrs. Bean is keeping me company. It has been a rotation of different villagers coming to my room and spending time with me. Yesterday, the children came in to see me, all apologetic and teary eyed. Though, that quickly ended when the three of them sat on my bed and began to tell me about their day. Before that, my hunting group came. My father hasn't come back, not that I'm aware of at least. Nor has Duke Caspian been around, I've been told that he left yesterday to stay in the nearby town. Though, I'm not sure why he hasn't left yet. It's not like I'm going to change my mind and leave to stay with him.

"I'm still tired," I say, petting the fire salamander that sits on my lap. It has been out a lot, only disappearing when it's time for it to sleep. I've gotten used to having the thing… apart of me. However, it is a little uncomfortable and strange for the first few minutes but I've learned to adjust to its presence. "That battle took a lot out of me."

"So I've been told." Mrs. Bean sighs deeply, her lips in a tight line. "I was also told about Duke Caspian's offer."

Of course she knows. "Did my father tell you?"

"He just wants what's best for you, dear, that's all." She places a hand on top of mine but I pull away. For once, I wished not to be comforted by her. I can see the hurt in her eyes when I do, so I attempt to hide the hurt in mine. The two of us sit in silence, Mrs. Bean waiting for me to speak, me who wishes for her to talk about something else. Perhaps that dress that sits in the back of my mind, or about her next creation. Mrs. Bean loves to talk about her creations, if you ask her the right questions, she'll end up talking about her dresses for hours upon hours. Any other time, I would've hated to sit there and listen to her, but in this moment… I would love for the topic change. "Have I ever told you about the day your mother cried on my shoulder? Just a few days after your birth?"

I shake my head. My mother has never seem like the type to cry or be emotional, then again, she doesn't look like the type to be a former Lady so there's that! Even so, Mrs. Bean continues, humming gently to herself as she recalls the distant memory. "Your mother was sitting in this very room, still recovering after giving birth to you. Your father had stepped out for a bit, so it was just your mother and I, sitting here when she suddenly started crying. It wasn't a surprised that she was crying, after all, she just gave birth. Women tend to be more emotional after such an event, however, it was unexpected. Your mother was a headstrong young woman who always wore a grin on her face, it was the first time that I've ever seen her like that."

As her tears flowed, she told me about herself, about her father, how it was always just the two of them, how it felt to only have each other. Your grandmother passed when your mother was just a small child and even then, she barely remembered the woman. Your grandfather didn't want her to feel unloved or to notice the lacking presence of her mother, so he did everything he could to make her happy. He was there with her throughout everything, he made sure she received the best education, that she was properly protected, and most importantly, that she was loved. He was the first person to ever love and support her. She told me that when she was younger, she wanted to become a knight. Many didn't believe that she could and doubted her skills, it was your grandfather who supported and stood up for her. He was the only one to believe in her. Which was it hurt her… the fact that her own father wouldn't support her marriage with your father. It killed her and she wanted to hate him, she screamed it so loudly that I was afraid that it would've awaken you." Mrs. Bean places a gentle hand on my knee and surprisingly, I don't pull away from her. "Then she suddenly went quiet and pulled her blanket close to her, and for the first time since I've met her… she looked like a little girl. A little girl who was afraid and wanted nothing more than her father to come back and hold her. Even then, she still loved him and just wanted to be accepted."

My stomach drops, even in this new life, Ivy Martin feels for my dead mother. The desire to be accepted by one's father, it was something that I wanted at a very young age. Though, there's a difference between Ivy Martin and my mother; my mother was loved by her father (still loved by him), while Ivy Martin's father refused to love her, probably even after her death. Even with knowing the difference, I still feel sympathy for my mother, a bit of an understanding. My father— Sorren Pryde's father— is a man whom I love deeply. He's my best friend, my biggest fan, my biggest supporter… I'm sure that if the two of us were to have a huge disagreement over who I love, that I too would sob inside of an infirmary, wishing for my father to come and hug me.

"It's complicated, Sorren," Mrs. Bean continues, tugging my attention back to her. "Is your grandfather in the wrong for his treatment towards your parents? Yes, no one is denying that, but he's also family and an old man who lost his wife and daughter. He's grumpy and rude, and also old and lonely. I'm sure your father feels for him, understanding where he's coming from. He's just doing what he thinks is best and what your mother would've wanted."

"And what's that?" I ask.

"A second chance at being a family."

Because that's what it's all about, family.

Then Mrs. Bean leans closer, grabbing my hand and looking me deep into my eyes. There's an intensity that fills her eyes, that calls out to me, telling me to listen closely. "But this is your life, Sorren Pryde. Your father and mother may want one thing but that doesn't mean you should follow said path to make them happy. It's your life, own it and take charge by doing what feels right to you."

Despite the mix emotions and thoughts, I feel almost liberated at the reminder that no matter what, this is still my life. Even if my father, and possibly my mother, would want me to have a relationship with my grandfather, that I'm the one who can really make it happen. That it's all up to me.

In that second, I'm happy and grateful for the reminder, until a wave of uncertainty crushes me. I grip tightly onto Mrs. Bean hand, my eyes not as bright and beautiful as hers. "But what if I make the wrong choice? What if I regret whatever I choose?"

"Oh, my dear." She pulls me into a hug, pressing my head into her shoulder as she squeezes me tight. "The choice comes from your heart and the heart is never wrong, no matter what anyone says. Whatever you decide on will be the right choice. I just know it."

Mrs. Bean has so much faith in me, I wish in this moment she shares it with me, as I'm not entirely sure what is the right choice. I pray that when the Duke comes back… I'll know what I want to say to him.