The Aftermath 1.

A week had passed since the night at the theater. There was no trace or news of Lars, who had been missing ever since. Alice's mother and Alice herself had been informed about what had happened but still blatantly dismissed it.

"Yes, Lars can get a bit forward when he's had champagne but if something really happened I suspect he wasn't entirely unprovoked either", Mikaelas words.

Two times, including this one, Thomas had gone to see Liv at her and Arvid's mother's place: The suburban villa which had practically been his second home while growing up.

Now, just like the last time, Liv barely looked at him as he sat on the wooden chair in her room, opposite from where she was lying on top of the covers on her bed. This week she had become barely recognizable, all tired and sick-looking in a huge black Nirvana t-shirt he knew belonged to Arvid. The first term at the gymnasium had started five days ago but she had been excused for an undecided period of time.

"Hi, Livvy."

"Hi."

The room was warm and bright despite the curtains being drawn, because the September morning sun shone in through the gaps between the fabric and the wall. Instead of posters of hunky football players which had decorated the walls when she was younger, Maria's messy sketches occupied them now. They were sketches of Liv, Arvid, Maria herself and some of Liv's friends. Other than that things were mostly scaled off, except for the flag of Liv's team's colors.

"How are you?"

"Amazing", Liv said and rolled her eyes.

"Are you eat..."

"I'm eating."

"And sleeping?"

"I'm sleeping Tommy, get to the point", she snapped.

Avoiding his gaze she laid flat back against her duvet, staring up at the ceiling. Dark circles were visible below her eyes, proving that the statement of her sleeping was a lie.

"Liv... You should... get some help, you know. See a therapist or something."

Liv sighed loudly.

"Seems I already have my very own right here though."

"Well I..."

She turned her back at him.

"I understand...", he started, not sure where he was going with it but he never had to find out because she interrupted again.

"Oh yeah? You understand?", she spat, "Your best friend's dad felt you up too?"

Those words surprised him. It was the first time she directly accounted for what had happened.

"No. That's not what I was trying to..."

"Yeah see now you're trying? Now that I'm a victim you suddenly start showing up. Several guilt-visits a'week, huh? Honestly don't feel obligated, I don't care. You can go back to not being involved in my life at all, in fact I preferred that."

It stung, because she had a point. Ever since Arvid left, Thomas had avoided Liv and Maria like the plague. There was no way of explaining his motives either.

"Sure. I'll leave if that's what you want."

He got up from the chair but turned around on the threshold. She stared disdainfully at him, raising her hand in a "what now?"- gesture.

"These kinds of things only get better once you start to process them. Pushing it away won't work."

Immediately the feeling of having dropped a precious vase crept up on him. Liv stared at him as if she could not believe what he had said.

"Process?", she sounded nauseous, "You think I'm able to do anything but process? I see it again and again. As soon as I close my eyes he's there".

She grimaced. Apologizing he walked back inside, cursing himself for having delivered such an ignorant cliche.

"No go ahead, leave. I'd much rather be a whore anyways."

That made him flinch and take a step back.

"What did you say?"

Liv gave him an almost wicked little smile, like the ones she used to give him when they were younger and she felt she had outsmarted him in some way. She sat up on the bed and crossed her legs.

"We learned about it in lit at school last year. Women can be either the whore or the Madonna - and then I much prefer the whore. No pressure to be pure and perfect when I'm so obviously not."

"Now, Liv, I didn't think you had actually lost your mind."

"No, see it just seems everyone else has. To my mom and you, for instance, I'm the Madonna, a pure, holy thing that's been besmirched. To Alice and her mother, on the other hand, I'm a whore, who probably brought it upon herself. I definitely think they are more in the right anyways."

She spoke very clearly and slowly, as if really trying to get him to understand.

"Livvy, you're ill. You're ill and that little theory is bullshit through and through. You're telling yourself those horrible things to try and cope."

"Oh no, I've coped already. And I definitely see their point. You must see it too, in fact you're thinking it right now. I know you are."

"What am I thinking?", he inquired sternly, frustrated with all the self-loathing nonsense she was spitting out.

"That I'm so disgusting that I got my best friend's dad to want to fuck me."

After having said this she drew her breath and seemed to realize what she had actually said. Now it was she who had dropped the vase. Thomas had gone really pale and clenched his jaw.

"God, can't you hear yourself!?"

Liv shook her head and got up from the bed, starting towards the door, colliding with him on the threshold because he had not moved. Thomas locked her tearful dark-brown eyes with his own.

"Is that what you think? Look at me and tell me that's what you truly think. If you believe so much as one word of what you said, so help me God."

She paled a little, his demeanor clearly frightening her.

"Fuck off with your threats, Thomas! I couldn't fucking care less", she spat and he stepped aside to let her leave but to his surprise she did not dart out, instead, a tremble went through her and she had to steady herself on the door frame. The steely anger subsided and turned into agony. Regret shone in her eyes.

"What if I do? What if I do believe it just a little?"

Suddenly it was him steadying her as opposed to the door frame, despite him not being sure of how it had happened and he sunk down to the floor with her, her body curling up.

"I don't know what's going on. I don't know what to do with this", she said shakily.

"You don't do anything just now. You just be until something feels different."

"Different?"

"Better."

"I'm thinking it never will."

"I know."

Liv was silent a while.

"I heard mom talking to Alice's mom on the phone. I know what they think."

"They know what really happened."

"They do?", she sounded hesitant.

"I'm certain of it." 

Thomas wasn't sure she was listening. Her head had tipped back onto his shoulder and she was staring blankly at the ceiling, slight tremors moving through her very now and then. It was quiet for some time. The sun was setting outside.