Dear Dairy 2

Up until now I was a girl who felt something similar to discrimination only once in a while which the immature vision never paid any heed but the day of my marriage made me grown up in an instant and that was the first time I saw the world in t it's actual form and full glory which was nothing shinny bright engulfed in golden light of heaven, rather an extremely cold, dull and swamped in unending darkness of hell.

The day of marriage was the day of my death, death of the loose tongue, free spirited me and from the grave raised a coward pathetic self of mine wearing skin of shy and well – behaved lady, a forced persona which I could only come to despise more and more. Shutting to mute mode I went along with whatever instructions I got to complete the rituals I had no knowledge of and no matter how hard I tried to run or not look at the wall clock of my room the time still knocked on my terrorized consciousness to inform it's time for me to bid good bye to my own home which is believed to be not mine anymore.

In search of solace, I turned to mother and spoke of my mind over this one-sided contract called marriage only to meet an extraordinarily solemn face looking directly at me and speaking in gravely serious voice "Do not think in such terms. You are very lucky to have chance to feel this auspicious bond in your life and to have a husband of government job. Now that's your new home. Make it flourish garden, be obedient and don't do anything to make people trash talk about you and your parents." were the glorious, full of wisdom words I got which I could not suppose to be an aid for my crying heart as all it did was inspiring hollowness of my reality. My emotions bleeding mind was being filled with concrete instruction of mother, grandmother and great grandmother which seemed like a great wisdom for the onlookers and must be for the speakers as well but I could feel noting but the shackles of fate getting heavier and colder.

In a few hours, I was in a room of a house that had no connection to me up until now but would be the place from where I would be carried for my death bed. I knew human make society and society make human but for the first time I had an incomparable rage towards society which could be anything but fair and this revelation of demon of a face of society killed whatever fragments of child was left in my core.

I thought the day was horrible but the next day had broken all the borders of being terrific where I felt myself being an item to show off in museum to sit in a particularly prepared place while in full costume of bride and crowed coming in one by one inspecting me from head to toe and showering with the expectation they have from me. It was also the first time that being a human looked more horrible than a cockroach to me. I was petrified to my core. The decoration of house and room seemed hard work out of extreme delight which for me didn't served a practical reason unless to rub salt on bleeding soul.

And the irritation didn't came from the vast, needless decoration to enthusiastically celebrate my destruction rather from the people around me, desperately encouraging me to embrace the once in a life happiness of marriage which to be honest completely escaped me as for how can they ask for the victim to take a bite on positive emotions such as joy when there has no justice done my favor.

I also got some worldly knowledge of how my new family is member of six including me there's mother and father-in- law, brother-in-law a lawyer and his wife a grade school teacher and my husband a high school teacher of math, all in all a joint family like mine and the relatives also lives quite near to see faces of each other anytime.

To think with a new family I got a rather large bunch of relatives for free to pick on me was just enough of a motivation I needed to sink in the depths of depression. These words must have made me look like a bad daughter-in-law about which elderly women of my house has strictly instructed over of not being one but the judging stares from that unknown population had pushed me in a dreadful position where my upcoming hell of a life was evident.

The baffling one-sided contract of marriage is so filled with menacing overtones that called auspicious seemed a threat to me for those who even dare to think of running away from this and my apprehension on revealing the actual conspiracy behind the ritual came to a completely variance with that of everyone else that courage to share this killing fear or concern faded away to eat me hollow from inside. This excessive load of uncertainty and terror had put me off of sleep as tossing and turning sleeplessly night after night in bed had turned me successively insomniac and on the brink of going rabid.

Thankfully the day finally arrived when I would be going to my home, a place which is not completely my home anymore and had been given a name 'Mayaka', also I will not be going there rather visiting for a few days, still can't believe how in a few minutes of ritual, everything once belonged to me are taken away and what I got in return was only half hearted things which would never completely belong to me. The realisation of what I unintentionally and unwillingly lost gave me hard push in the sea of grief that coming out alive was impossible, not to mention unscratched.