Looking Back

-----Yui's POV

When I returned back home, I immediately went up into my room before sprawling myself over the bed, much like Sicily back in the cabin. The pillow felt so refreshing as it enveloped my face as my vision quickly went black. I let out a long exhale as I think back on everything.

Natalie: "Uhm. Yui?"

Yui: "Mmm?"

Right... Natalie's with me. God, I feel bad having her worry for me like this. But I never expected to feel happy about being called Yui from others.

Natalie: "Do you need anything?"

Yui: "Is mom here?"

Natalie: "I can check."

We just went straight upstairs, not bothering to say hello to any of the maids or butlers, and of course, I didn't bump into mom either. But after the talk with Natalie, I feel like I need to talk about it with mom as well. It's not right for me to dwell on this without her.

Yui: "Thanks."

I hear her footsteps begin to leave the room as they trail off in the distance. Not wanting to suffocate any longer from the pillow, I flip over as I stare up into the ceiling instead.

This reminds me back when I was little, when I was first brought into this world. I thought that these feelings had long passed, but I guess not. I've tried my best to forget, but every now and again, I get these memories flooding back in me, just like what happened back then. It still hurts even now, but I don't feel any tears coming out now. Guess Natalie soaked up all of them during our walk back here. But still... This pain in my chest is still here, attacking me and my life here. Is this what I get for leaving everyone from back then behind? It's like I'm cursed.

Mai: "Oh my~ You don't look so good."

Suddenly, Mai appears above me, floating in the middle of my vision with the ceiling. I can't even find it in me to be surprised as I just look up into her eyes.

Mai: "I thought you'd be celebrating with Kaede."

Yui: "Sorry. I just needed some time alone."

Mai: "Oh? Then am I disturbing you? Want me to leave?"

Yui: "No. You're fine."

Mai isn't really from this world or my old world. Plus we're not exactly the greatest of friends as most of my interactions with her are when she's with Kaede. So this is actually quite rare for Mai to be here like this. Actually I think this is the first time that we're both alone together.

Yui: "..."

So then maybe I could ask her, with no one else around.

Yui: "Mai."

Mai: "Yeah?"

Yui: "You brought us here, right?"

Mai: "Ah, yeah uhm... Yeah."

Why does she sound weird? Not that it really matters I guess.

Yui: "So then would it be possible to do the same thing? Going back?"

Mai: "I knew it..."

Yui: "Huh?"

Mai: "I'm sorry, Yui. Looking back now, I shouldn't have brought you here."

Yui: "What do you mean?"

Mai: "Remember when I said I bound myself to Kaede in the process of bringing her here?"

Yui: "Yeah?"

Mai: "Well. In doing so, I peeked into Kaede's memories. I saw how much she cared for you and how important you were to her. I felt that it would be wrong for me to just leave your soul like that, especially considering you both died around the same time."

It's a bit embarrassing hearing this. So Mai knows about Kaede and I back in the old world? To what extent does those memories go?

Mai: "So I took your soul with me, thinking that it would be best for Kaede. But I didn't bother to peek into your memories, so I never knew how you felt. I was inconsiderate to you and dismissed your feelings... I'm sorry."

She bowed her head to me while still floating above me.

Yui: "I see..."

So Mai only knew about Kaede... In a way, it makes me happy, knowing that Kaede cared about me that much to feel like her very soul couldn't live without mine. Honestly, it's quite romantic.

Mai: "I'm truly sorry, Yui."

Yui: "It's okay."

I choose to sit up as Mai also repositions herself in front of me, sitting down at the bottom end of the bed.

Mai: "It's not okay. Which is why I'm here."

Yui: "So you came here to apologize to me?"

Mai: "Yes."

Yui: "So then I take it that it's not possible to return?"

Mai: "..."

Her silence was confusing at first, but I quickly feel my body growing stiff the more the silence drags on. Is there actually a way? If there wasn't, then Mai would've said so, same thing if there was. So then is it not a simple yes or no question?

Mai: "For you... It's possible."

Her words filled me with even more questions. "For you?" Why is it me specifically?

Mai: "But for Kaede. I'm afraid it's not that simple."

Yui: "...What do you mean?"

I feel my body grow heated by the second as I find myself gripping the bed sheets between my fingers.

Mai: "I'm bound to Kaede, like I said. We're interlocked with one another. I can't leave this place without Kaede, so unless Kaede herself somehow finds a way which is essentially impossible, then I'm afraid we're stuck here."

Yui: "...So you're saying because I'm not bound by you, I can return?"

Mai: "Yes."

Yui: "But you're still bound to Kaede? How would you send me back?"

Mai: "It'd have to be from someone else."

Yui: "What do you mean? Like someone like you?"

Mai: "Correct. I have what you'd call siblings, remember? If one of them wished for it, then it would be possible to bring you back to your original world."

Yui: "Wouldn't that mean that they'd be bound to me? In other words, I won't be able to return here?"

Mai: "...Yes."

I really wanted Mai to say no there... I really wanted for me to be able to be able to live in both worlds, but I guess that's not possible. So Kaede's stuck here, but I have an option to return... One that Kaede doesn't have... And if I take that option, then I'd be forever stuck, unable to see Kaede again.

Yui: "..."

My hands clench the bedsheets tighter at this new revelation. So you're saying that I have to choose between my old life and Kaede? I can't have both? Just then, I feel my vision becoming a blur once more as I stare down at the bedsheets.

Mai: "...Yui-"

Iris: "Ellen?!"

Suddenly, mom bursts into the room as I quickly look over to see that Natalie and a couple other maids are with her. I can barely make out their faces because of how blurred my vision has become as I try desperately to try and wipe away the tears, trying to clear it away.

Iris: "What did you do?"

Mai: "I uh-"

Yui: "It's fine, mom."

I could hear the anger in mom's voice. I guess from her perspective it might've seemed like Mai was somehow hurting me. But just then, I feel arms wrap around my body as I'm pulled into an embrace. I don't even need to see clearly to know that it's mom. Her smell, her touch, it all reminded me of her... As well as my old mom...

I could no longer hold back the tears any longer as I found myself clinging onto her, just like I did with Natalie, letting my tears flow out onto my mom.

Iris: "What's wrong?"

Yui: "I'm... I'm sorry."

Iris: "Eh?"

Yui: "I thought I could do it. But, I can't... I can't do it."

Iris: "Can't do what?"

Yui: "..."

Iris: "Ellen?"

Ah, there it is again. I didn't know being called Yui by Natalie cheered me up so much. And now to hear me being called Ellen... I know that it shouldn't be a big deal, I've been used to being called Ellen for so long. But now I just find it painful. It's like everyone's trying to make it seem like my life from before never existed. Maybe before that was what I wanted, but after so many years, nothing's changed. If I'm still going to be haunted by my past even though I want to move on, then what's the point?

Yui: "...Yui."

Iris: "Eh?"

Yui: "Please... Just call me, Yui."

Iris: "..."

It's too hard to explain right now as I can feel my throat growing tighter with every passing moment. But at least I managed to get something out.

Iris: "Is this about your past life?"

All I could do was nod against mom's shirt as I couldn't even find it in me to respond with words.

Iris: "I see."

I know that I'm hurting mom like this, but I just can't keep it in any longer. I'm selfish, I'm incredibly selfish for wanting to live in both lives at the same time. But what else can I do if I constantly get reminded of my old life? And because I'm here, I'm worrying others, including mom. I understand now that Mai is technically at fault, but I can't begin to hate her because of it. She made Kaede happy, and there's nothing wrong with that. But me?

Iris: "Your past is very important to you?"

Again, I nod.

Iris: "You want to go back?"

After hearing that it's actually possible, I'm now second guessing myself. If I do go back, I won't be seeing Kaede again, as well as everyone else. But what would even happen if I do? What if I return and my parents are already dead? And even if they're alive, would it even be possible to even see them? I could be born all the way down south, like New Zealand, or far up north, like Finland, or far off in the west like America. It's not as simple as just a click of a button...

Iris: "Yui... You like it here?"

Yui: "...Of course."

Iris: "But you also want to be back there?"

Yui: "...I know it's impossible, but..."

Iris: "I know."

I feel her tighten her embrace around me as she rests the side of her face against the top of my head.

Iris: "I can only imagine the pain you're going through. So if it helps, I'll stop calling you Ellen."

Yui: "But!"

Her words snapped me out of it for a moment as I grip onto mom's clothes tighter, looking up at mom as our eyes meet.

Yui: "That's the same as throwing away your daughter!"

Iris: "Fufu. What makes you think that?"

Yui: "Ellen's your daughter... I don't want to have you throw that away because of me."

Iris: "My my~ Do you really think that's what's important?"

Yui: "..."

Iris: "Yui. You're always going to be my daughter. I'm sorry I never considered your feelings, but you also shouldn't throw them away because of me. Whether it's Yui, or Ellen. You're still the same person. A name won't change that."

I can't help but loosen up at her words as I feel my tears pooling back up in my eyes.

Iris: "I love you, Yui. I feel extremely proud to have gotten the chance to meet you. I couldn't have asked for a greater daughter than you. I'm sure your parents in your past life also felt the same thing."

Yui: "!"

That's it... I've just been silently crying, letting my tears just fall until now. But the tightness in my chest, along with my chest pounding for air, I can't help but begin to sob. I should be strong, yet my cries soon fill the room despite being muffled in my mom's embrace. My mind's blank, as all I can think about it the comfort in mom's arms as I let my cries continue on, no longer holding anything back. I feel her hand try to sooth me, gently stroking my head, but that only makes it worse. I shouldn't be crying like this. I haven't done this in forever, yet I can't stop...

Iris: "It's okay, Yui. Let it all out."

And with those words, I lose my last bit of strength I had left as I wail in my mom's arms, clenching the back of her shirt as tight as I can.