Whatever It Is, I'm Here

- RAYA -

There is an abyss that has opened in the earth, and it's located back at the crosswalk. I'm still there—frozen helplessly and staring into it while the world jerks and jangles off of its axis. It's like the universe split at that location—right between where I was standing on the sidewalk and where the SUV hit. Time pauses there.

If I could go back in time, I could change things. That's what my mind wants. My mind wants a do over, and it's waiting until one is granted.

I don't know how long we've been at the hospital. After I pooled all of my remaining strength and sanity together to try acting fine and convincing Dex that I was okay, he insisted on staying. So my strength dissolved, and I stopped trying to act perfectly fine.

But I'm still acting. I'm acting calm. I can't scream like I want here. I can't cry like I want. I can't completely dissolve into hysterics and hyperventilate and try to scour the depths of my soul for the reason as to why this happened.

If I could just go home and be alone, I could figure this out. I could fall apart there. I could fall apart and eventually put myself back together again. I've done it before. I know how it works.

But now I have to wait under bright lights and attentive eyes, which means being suspended in place for now. It means concentrating on only breathing and trying to keep my hands steady. It means trying to pretend that Dex isn't here, because I don't know why he is or what that means. He is just one more thing that doesn't make sense, and if I try too hard to make sense of it, it makes me nauseous… like trying to focus on something steady when the whole world is out of orbit.

"Auraya Gray."

A nurse finally calls my name to be taken into a room, and Dex lifts my bag on his arm, standing and offering his hand like he's coming with. And I'm too numb to argue.

Vitals are taken and questions are asked, and I try so hard to focus on the words that are being posed to me. But it's hard. Dex ends up answering a lot of questions simply because I can't make sense of what they are.

If I can't understand what happened today, how am I supposed to relay it to anyone else? Do I tell them the earth has split open and is threatening to swallow me? Do I tell them I want to go back in time and do those few moments over, so if they would be so kind as to keep quiet while I await that opportunity, that would be great…

"You'll need to put on this gown so the doctor can evaluate your injuries, sweetheart." The nurse hands me a garment that I've seen many times before, but I stare at it dumbly in my lap.

"No," I mumble, shaking my head the small amount that I can without it making me feel nauseous. "That's not necessary."

The nurse looks at Dex, and I'm staring into my lap so I don't know what silent exchange occurs between them without my knowledge. But they must reach an understanding, because she leaves without another word.

Dex comes to stand in front of me. I don't look up, but I see his hands in his pockets, hiding their discomfort at being put in this situation with me. "The gown is important if there are tests to run. Perhaps you should…"

"I don't need to wear that," I shake my head and hand it to him. "I don't have internal injuries. I can't afford all of this. Can't they just do the stitches and send me home?"

"A guy ran into you with his car. You aren't going to be paying for anything, I can assure you of that." There is something quietly furious in the way he says it, like he is going to see to it himself.

"How can you be sure of anything? We live in a world where you can literally walk down the street, smiling and saying what a beautiful day it is and then the next second…"

"Raya," he says deeply. "Stop doing this to yourself. Stop reliving it. You have been reliving it for the past two hours."

"I can't not…" My eyes water and voice catches, and then the burn comes back to my chest with the pain of not being able to let these emotions out—of having to hold them in. "How could anyone just move on?" My hand lifts, gesturing back in time to that street—to that intersection, to that cluster of people. "How can people just walk on and go about their day like it didn't happen? How can the world continue?"

Dex kneels in front of me with a heavy sigh, and the burning in my chest intensifies, burning away the numbness that I've been in. The color and life that has been bleeding out of the world, leaving it empty and blank, gets a single drop of color back… the brown from Dex's eyes. And then that drop of color starts to take hold and spread, fanning out to sharpen the details around him.

Suddenly his face comes into focus… then the floor, the room, my feet… the world slowly pools again with sharp details and color. And it all started with his eyes, pinched with empathy and gazing up at me.

"It's awful what happened," he says. "I saw it, and I'm going to be haunted by it, too."

"You saw it?" I whimper, tears welling larger with how exposed everything feels now that the numbness is giving way.

"Yes, and I was so relieved to find that you were okay." He gives me a crooked smile. "Well, mostly okay."

"But that lady wasn't okay," I croak. "I could have done something."

"There was no time," he shakes his head. "I saw it clearly, Raya. There was no time. If you had tried, you would have been hit much worse. You did nothing wrong."

Small sobs start to release from my chest. "But why? Why did this happen?"

"I don't know," he sighs and pulls me into an embrace, letting me cry against his shoulder. "But you're going to get through this, I promise you. I'll help. Your sister will help."

"You don't even know me," I whimper.

"Yes, I do. I told you," he chuckles. "It must have been a past life."

I scoff and pull away, wiping tears with my hand. "I don't believe in that."

"Well it's something like that," he shrugs, a smile remaining on his lips. "Whatever it is, I'm here."

I stare at him, rubbing the tears and the rest of the numbness away and focusing on the intense truth that seems so potent and real and concentrated in his expression.

"I have to ask you something," I say with the gravel of jangling nerves. "It's going to sound strange."

"Okay," his eyebrows pinch and smile grows with intrigue.

"Do you think…" I wet my lips, pausing to question myself… to decide if I'm really going to do this. "Do you think you have ever dreamed of me?"