Chapter 158
- Touya was jealous of you, you know ? And your father was so openly on your side that I thought I should balance things out... You were so young, I thought you wouldn't remember. But I was wrong, wasn't I ?
I nodded a little belatedly, not expecting her to ask my opinion.
- He was right, she murmured, You really did remember everything...
Her fingers tightened on the cup. Her glass shook and the reflection of her face blurred.
Rei's eyes became misty, cloudy, as if she was going to cry, and I startled in panic at the thought of her actually crying in front of me, because I had no idea how to handle... this.
- There was-
She cleared her throat and forced herself to straighten her shoulders to regain her composure.
- As a parent, telling yourself that there's something wrong with your child is like telling yourself that you've missed something, that it's your fault, that you should have been more, done more and...
Her voice broke.
- I only wanted us to be a happy family. I still don't think there's anything wrong with that. It's a natural wish for any parent. On the other hand, the way I've acted has been deplorable.
Still without looking at me, Rei inhaled sharply.
- I thought that if I paid attention to Touya and showed him that I was there for him, he would understand... I should have... if only you knew how many things I regret
I was uncomfortable, but also morbidly curious, because despite all these years, I'd never understood what had gone through Rei's head.
Touya had attacked me so many times and all she'd done was be more protective and caring towards him whereas I-
- I should have been there for you, Shoto. You were suffering the most in there, you were the one who- who were crying in the toilet, hoping that the flush would drown out the noise
What was the point of apologising after so many years ? What was the point of stirring the pot after all this time ?
My father was the only one who had stuck by me through thick and thin : she had no right to come and beg me for forgiveness now.
- Everything was so confusing, and when Touya died - when he set fire to the house... He was dead and I convinced myself that it was Enji's fault, that he shouldn't have differentiated between his children, and I wanted to take you all with me, but- it was as if he was only thinking of you, even though our son had died and our other two children had almost suffocated because of the smoke, and- when he told me that he would leave me alone on the condition that I'd leave you to him, I... I found it so hard to look you in the eye, I felt so ashamed and guilty because I felt that everything you'd been through was my fault and that I could have made it right if I'd only been less- if I'd only been more-
She hiccupped.
- Then your father took you away, and the ease with which you forgot me made me- it made me-
A tear formed at the corner of her eye : she quickly brushed it away with the tip of her finger.
- I tried to hold on to you, I negotiated a few meetings for your birthdays, and I understood that you had every reason in the world not to want to see me anymore, and... I remember the first time I saw you in that mask, when you were eleven. You looked so much like a stranger... and the way you looked at me was so different, like you'd rather I left you alone, so I- I-
Her fingernails scratched the mug. She frowned, looking at it without really seeing it.
- So I tried to leave you alone, to tell myself that I could love you from afar, knowing that you'd always be safe because your father would do anything to protect you, but when I saw that press conference...
She shook her head in disbelief.
- I learned more about you in that one minute of listening to you speak in your father's defence than in sixteen years of being your mother, and I thought how pathetic I was for worrying that I wouldn't see you when you were in so much pain, and when you mentioned that Kenzei, your expression...
Suddenly, Rei burst into silent sobs.
She pressed the palms of her hands to her eyelids, tears streaming down her pale cheeks.
Embarrassed, I looked away towards the wall.
- I'm sorry, she whispered between tears. I know you don't like when things gets too emotional, and I really promised myself I wouldn't make you feel uncomfortable, but when I think of everything you've been through, I feel so, so, so sorry for you-
Rei moved back and I thought she was going to stand up.
- Forgive me, Shoto. Forgive me.
Suddenly she dropped to her knees, her forehead on the floor, her hands on either side of her face.
- Forgive me for not being the mother you needed, forgive me for being weak and blind, forgive me for being cruel and ignorant, forgive me for ignoring you when you only needed someone to be by your side, forgive me for telling myself that it didn't matter because you would forget everything, forgive me for living such an easy life with Fuyumi and Natsuo while you were- while you were-
Her voice broke.
Rei fell silent, jolts shaking her shoulders.
I froze, one hand on my mask, looking at her without knowing what to do.
I had long since gotten used to the idea that Rei didn't love me as much as the others, that she found me too strange and not worthy of her, that she didn't consider me necessary in her life and-
- Forgive me, she murmured. Forgive me.
So why is she apologising now ? Why has she come back after eleven years ? Why is she-
- Please get up
I was ashamed enough for both of us.
She sat up, her cheekbones and nose flushed, strands of hair clinging to her jaw.
- It's too late to apologise
- I know it is
I couldn't forgive her, not after I'd doubted her for so long, wondering if she - had she been the one to find us in the bathroom - would have been so overwhelmed by Touya trying to drown me that she'd let me die, not after I'd seen her hug Touya as if he were the one who'd almost died, not after Dad told me she'd agreed to leave me behind as long as she could have her two other children-
- But thank you. For apologising.
I couldn't forgive her - not because she didn't deserve it, but because I didn't see what there was to forgive. She had seemed sincere to me, but it was a sincerity that came a decade too late.
I didn't think Rei was a bad woman : she had just been a bad mother to me.
Still, hearing her apologise - admit she'd been wrong - had made me feel better.
I didn't care about Rei or what she thought, and it wasn't going to change : but seeing her regret and crying gave me a feeling of satisfaction, of closure, as if the me of ten years ago had been right to be angry with her for her behaviour, and hearing her say out loud that yes, I was right, allowed the Shoto of the past to finally be at peace and move on.
It felt... nice.
- I'll go now, I murmured.
She nodded softly, a gentle smile on her face, as if she hadn't expected anything better and was content.
It was strange to think that it had taken me over a decade to realise that Rei was just a human being, fallible and capable of making mistakes, and that she wasn't a monster devoid of empathy.
I got up quietly and left.
I was already late for my meeting with Hawks.
*
BONUS:
- Do you think it went well ?
Fuyumi, holding a cup of coffee, shrugged.
- I wish it did, but you know how he is...
Natsuo laughed dryly.
- That's the point : none of us know what he's like
The doorbell rang.
Rei entered the restaurant, a pile of snow forming a pyramid on her hair.
- Ah, there's mum
The head waiter, who took her jacket, took the opportunity to brush her hair.
- Thank you, Akira, she said.
- Your children are over here, Director
He led her into a glass alcove that felt like a bubble in the corner of the restaurant.
A comfortable sofa with soft cushions had been arranged in a U-shape around a table ; hanging plants hung from the windows.
The snow falling on the glass of the designed egg gave the impression of being inside a snow globe.
Natsuo moved to the side and patted the sofa next to him.
- Here, sit down, Mum
Rei slid in and kissed her son's cheek and then her daughter's in greeting.
- I'll bring you an aperitif right away, said one of the waiters who had come to meet them.
A few seconds later he returned with drinks and garlic bread with salmon and mushroom petits fours.
- Well ? asked Rei. How do you like the new restaurant ?
- Great, said Natsuo. I really like the decor with the hanging plants and everything
- It's different from your other restaurants, isn't it ? asked Fuyumi. I mean, there's no dress code here and I noticed the price difference just by looking at the menu.
Natsuo put a piece of bread in the oven.
- It's true that there are no prices on the other menus
Rei smiled.
- Yes, I wanted to create something more affordable
- Tired of your high-end customers ?
- More like an expansion of your business into the mainstream, Natsuo countered
- It seems that paying for this business school wasn't a bad idea
Natsuo rolled his eyes.
- Just because I wanted to give it all up once to become a professional football player-
- And then a singer, actor, painter, hockey player-
- Doesn't mean I hate my degree, Natsuo said. To tell you the truth, I'm pretty good at it
- Then you'll be my right-hand man when you finish your MBA , Rei said.
Natsuo wrinkled his nose.
- I don't want to be one of those mama's boys who go straight into their parents' company after school. I've got to try things out for myself
- All mum has to do is get you started as a cleaner in her company and then you'll just have to climb the ladder : that way, no one will be able to say you're a nepo baby
Natsuo seemed to consider the idea.
Fuyumi clapped her hands and turned to Rei.
- Well ? How did it go ?
Rei slowly took off her cashmere scarf.
- Actually better than I thought
Fuyumi's face lit up.
- That good ?
- He followed me obediently and listened to everything I had to say without interrupting
Natsuo squeezed his mother's shoulder, happy that she was happy.
- You see ? It wasn't that difficult
Rei smiled softly, her cheekbones rosy from the cold, making her look like a child at the height of joy.
- I always said Shoto was a nice boy, Fuyumi said.
- No one said he wasn't, Natsuo said. It's just that with everything that's happened...
He became quiet.
Natsuo and Fuyumi exchanged glances.
They'd often talked after all the revelations of the last few months and agreed that as big brother and sister - if not to say family - they'd been pretty shitty.
- Anyway. So did he accept your apology?
- I don't think so, Rei said gently, But he thanked me for the apology. It's as if he was happy I'd shed light on the whole thing
- Because he'd misinterpreted your actions ?
- No, more like he'd never understood why I'd done what I'd done, and he was glad to know
Which was rather sad.
- Do you think we could try to rebuild something ? asked Fuyumi. That we could try to get to know him ?
Natsuo looked down at his glass and shook the ice cubes with his straw.
- That would be nice
- Yes, really nice, Rei murmured. But I think it would be too much to ask
Everyone grew silent, lost in their own thoughts.
It would be insensitive and selfish of Rei to ask anything of Shoto.
She felt that under the circumstances, it would be best to let him live his life and watch from a distance, hoping that one day he'd look in her direction.
- At least it's nice to know that he has a father and that he treats him well, Fuyumi said.
Natsuo hummed.
Another silence.
Enji hadn't been an ever-present figure in Natsuo and Fuyumi's lives, only a distant ghost who paid the bills and holidays and helped Rei finance her restaurant project until it became (extremely) profitable.
To imagine him as a caring and loving father seemed far-fetched, but that was the man he was to Shoto.
Fuyumi still remembered the summer when she and Natsuo had asked Rei why they hadn't seen their father or brother since a while. There had been a lot of shouting and crying, and at one point, Fuyumi had even sworn never to speak to her mother again, but...
And Enji had only agreed to their mother's proposal because he wanted to keep Shoto for himself and only himself, hadn't he ?
Back then, it had hurt a lot to think that her father loved one of his children more than the others and that it wasn't her. Then she'd thought that her mother had kept her 'favourites' with her too, in a way, and that must have hurt Shoto too, so she'd felt less bad.
Still, Fuyumi had been very angry with both her parents for a while, and she knew that Natsuo had been, too.
Years later, Fuyumi had learned that her mother had still tried to take the three of them with her for a fresh start, but in the face of Enji's outright refusal, had decided to leave Shoto with him in exchange for him 'leaving them alone'.
It was probably worse in a way, because it meant that their mother had chosen to sacrifice one child for what she considered the 'safety' of the other two, while their father had judged that one child was more valuable than the others.
- I know I shouldn't say this, Natsuo said, But sometimes I feel uncomfortable when I'm with him...
Fuyumi blinked stupidly.
- Shoto ?
- No, I'm talking about Touya
He looked confused.
Fuyumi put her hand on his to comfort him.
- He scares me a bit too sometimes, but that's just because we're not used to knowing him anymore.
- I don't know, Natsuo said. When we were at the police station, everything seemed great because Touya was there and alive, but then...
He shrugged.
Fuyumi agreed wholeheartedly.
The moment of reunion had been great, full of euphoria and joy and happiness. Touya had literally come back from the dead on a beautiful autumn day, just as Fuyumi had often dreamed of shortly after his death.
He didn't have the face she remembered or the smile she cherished, but it was really him, he was really there.
It wasn't until later, when she was alone in her room and thought of Touya's expression when they had embraced, that Fuyumi had doubted if he was happy to see them again.
- All those things the papers said he did...
- You know they're just lies to make people buy, Fuyumi said.
Natsuo gave her a piercing look.
- But some of them are true
Fuyumi didn't answer because he was right.
If they had all been lies, then Touya wouldn't be waiting for a trial to judge his criminal life.
Fuyumi had gone online one evening to look at the list of crimes she was accused of.
She hadn't been able to read it to the end.
- I'm going to say something terrible, Natsuo murmured, But sometimes I think...
He licked his lips, nervously squeezing his sister's hand between his own, refusing to look her or her mother in the eye.
- I tell myself he would have been better off dead
- Natsuo !
- I- I don't want to be mean, okay ? But when I look at him, I can't see anything of the brother I lost
- He has grown up, people change
- It's not that, Natsuo said impatiently. It's just the way he talks to me and looks at me... There's something wrong with him, something that makes me jump every time he makes a sudden move or talks too loudly
Rei put an arm around her son and held him close.
He was huge, like any good rugby player, so it was almost comical to see him leaning gently against a tiny woman.
- It's... The Touya I remembered was kind and funny, and this one... If they hadn't done the DNA test, I wouldn't have believed it was him
Rei, her lips tight, squeezed her son's shoulder.
She shared his worries and fears, but she refused to be passive again and let her son unravel through her fingers until he disappeared.
- I know it's difficult for both of you, Rei said, The fact that your brother is here again and that he's so... different, is something that's hard to accept, but you must remember that he needs the help and support of his family
Neither Natsuo nor Fuyumi reacted.
- And then, Rei added half-heartedly. If he scares you, remember that your grandmother's bodyguards are always around.
It also made Rei feel more at ease while spending alone time with her eldest son, even if she felt guilty about it.
- You're right, Natsuo murmured.
Rei smiled encouragingly.
- Ah, the food is on its way : both of you stop looking so glum and try some of my new chef's dishes
*
Author's note :
Some light shed on Rei's behavior years later after the deed - guess closure doesn't always happen when we want it but only when we need it.
If you want to support the story AND read ahead of schedule up to 27 chapters, go check the story's P@treon, Nar_cisseENG
See you in the next update everyone !