Chapter 11

I don't leave my room until morning not wanting to see William again after his announcement. Deep down I know that it can't wait but that knowledge is little comfort when I'll be left alone at Mrs Merrick's mercy. Not that she has any mercy for me.

With William being here she hasn't been able to make her distaste for me as known as she had while he was away but I've still noticed the looks she sends me. I think that she actually wants me to see the disgusted loathing in her eyes when she looks at me, not even being with child has changed it. In fact it seems to have only made her hatred stronger. I'm not worthy in her eyes to be the mother of a future Duke so my child receives the same hatred I do.

During the past month I had to ask Marguerite where the nursery was located so that I could begin preparing it for the baby. It was yet another room that Mrs Merrick had neglected to include in her tour, a subtle hint that she couldn't stand the thought of me having children. William had suggested that I redecorate the nursey as it hadn't been used since his own childhood and I didn't want to tell him that I didn't even know where it was.

And now I will be without his protection from her unrelenting hatred. It scares me more now than before because of my baby, there is not only myself to think of but this tiny life growing inside of me. I love this child already and I dread anything happening to my baby with every fibre of my being. I'm perhaps a month pregnant now and a small bump is just beginning to show, enough that I can truly feel my baby when I rest my hand against it.

"Your Grace," Marguerite says as she finishes dressing me for the day, "His Grace is leaving soon. Perhaps you should go and see him off,"

"Yes I suppose I should," I reply smoothing out my skirts before walking out of the door determined to have a better parting from my husband than the last time he left. Although this time the timeline is much more unknown than before. I wonder how I'll have changed by the time he arrives back.

The swarm of footmen moving trunks outside is just like before but unlike then William stands in the entrance watching as they pack. It's a relief that he's still here and hasn't left yet, I still have a chance to say goodbye and wish him well on his journey. He hadn't mentioned where this new estate is but if it'll take nearly a week to reach it then it must be far.

"William," I call out reaching the bottom of the stairs, "I came to say farewell,"

"Eleanor. Thank you, I wasn't sure that you'd come. I'm sorry for telling you so abruptly last night but I'd been putting it off until I couldn't anymore," He explains taking hold of one of my hands, "I wish that I didn't have to go but alas I can't leave it any longer. The estate needs to be managed properly. After all it'll one be our sons," Smiling he rests his hand on my abdomen just as joyful about being able to feel our child as I am.

"I'm sure that by the time you've returned our son will have grown well. May I write to you?"

"I will look forward to everyone," He raises my hand to his mouth placing a kiss on the back, "Farewell Eleanor,"

"Farewell William," I reply watching him walk through the door and climbing into the carriage. It's the first time that I've seen him use a carriage rather than ride but I suppose it'll be more comfortable for the longer journey. Staying in the doorway I watch his carriage leave trying to blink back tears that came from a sudden rush of emotion.

"Is everything alright, your Grace?" Mrs Merrick asks from behind me making me jump. I try to discreetly wipe away the few tears that I'd been unable to stop but judging by her expression I fail to hide them from her as I turn around to face her.

"Yes perfectly fine Mrs Merrick. I was just saying farewell to the Duke," I reply trying to appear more confident than I truly feel around her.

"Well I'm sure His Grace appreciated that. It is after all what a Duchess should do," She says casting one more harsh look my way before walking away. It seems that she only appeared to mock me and make me feel terrible.

William hasn't even made it off the estate and already she's resumed her taunting of me just as she did like the last time he was in London. I still don't understand where her hatred for me has come from, sure at first it was understandable with the compromise but now even William is forgiving me so why do things seem to be getting worse with Mrs Merrick.

Wanting to be alone to pull myself together I head upstairs back to my room. To my relief the room is completely empty with not even Marguerite in here at the moment. I almost collapse onto the settee once I've shut the door and I'm finally alone so I don't have to worry about any of the servants gossiping about me.

I end up crying for a few minutes before I manage to take a few breathes which help me to stop. The last few days my emotions have felt all over the place which is likely another matter related to the baby. It has been made worse by the uncertainty of what had been bothering William then his sudden news of returning to London for an unknown length of time.

Getting up I splash some water on my face to try and hide the fact that I've been crying before I head out of the privacy of my own room. Needing to keep myself occupied I go to the library to find something to read although as soon as I get inside I have to push away the thoughts of spending time in here with William.

He's only just left so I don't understand why it hurts so much already that he's not here with me. I should be used to being alone after not having anyone to spend time with in Edmour but just a month of having someone to spend time with has thrown me off. As I pick out a new book to read I turn around to ask William if he's read it only he's not there.

Sighing I sit down in what's become my seat in here and open up the book. It's a struggle to concentrate on the pages though and I don't make it more than a few pages before giving up as I'm not getting anywhere. Even the little part of the book that I've managed to read I don't remember what I'd read.

I'm too distracted to do anything so I settle for a walk in the garden. It may not occupy my mind but as I've been unable to focus my mind at least I can keep myself moving instead. The doctor had also said that exercise would be good for the baby and I suppose that should be my only focus now. A healthy baby. Smiling I walk around the garden imagining my baby running around playing in this same garden.

My life in Knole House gets worse with every passing day. It's been almost three weeks since William left and everyday Mrs Merrick seems to take delight in coming up behind me and taking me by surprise. The unpredictability of it is leaving me constantly on edge so much so that I'm not sleeping well anymore.

Just like last time the other servants are taking their lead from Mrs Merrick and the maids are suddenly unhelpful. The same with the footman and I'm sure that if I'd wanted to go into the village there would be some excuse as to why I couldn't have the carriage. Luckily Mrs Tapps hasn't gone along with this new treatment so my meals have stayed the same quality as while William was here.

Trying to keep aware of if Mrs Merrick is nearby I retreat to my room, sitting down there with a book once again. Despite promising myself that I wouldn't hide away I've been spending more and more time hiding away in my room. It's my only safe space though so I try not to feel too ashamed of myself.

Not even the allure of playing the piano lures me out of my room often anymore. In the last few days Mrs Merrick has started making quiet comments to me suggesting that William has a mistress in London and that's why he's been gone for so long. By what she's said he's kept a mistress for years, even before we got married.

For all I know it could be true and every time that she mentions this mistress, with such certainty, it reinforces the idea in my mind. Lately it's all that I can think of. Picturing William with some unknown beautiful woman enjoying themselves in London while I'm here alone. I'm not sure when it happened but I've come to really care for William so it hurts every time images come to mind.

I know that I don't love him yet I think that I easily could come to love him, given time. At first he'd scared me but as we'd spent more time together and reached an understanding I've come to appreciate everything about him. It's been easier to get to know him when it's just the two of us alone as we're both able to relax without others around us. I'd been surprised at how kind he could be when he'd been so harsh and standoffish during the start of our marriage.

Hopefully soon he'll be back soon though and at least then I won't be plagued with thoughts of a mistress. I don't think that I'll ever have the courage to ask him directly so I'll settle for having him back home where I'll know what's happening. Since he left I haven't received a single letter despite the many that I've written to him and the continued silence makes me more anxious to know what he's really doing in London.

My hopes for his return rest entirely on our baby who William seemed so interested in, after all this baby could be his son and heir. Before he left Dr Blundell told me of the various symptoms of pregnancy that I might experience. Recently I've been feeling very sick in the mornings and at times I've also had cramps and spotting. When he'd mentioned spotting I'd been worried about the idea of bleeding but he'd reassured me that some is normal so I haven't been too concerned when it's happened.

My favourite part of it though is my steadily growing abdomen. I love it as it makes the baby all the more real, in the last few days I swear that I've been feeling flutters of the baby moving. I desperately want William to be here to share it with him. I'll definitely need some new clothes soon as the ones I have won't fit me properly but I don't have any money to get new ones.

"Your Grace, I've brought your dinner," Marguerite announces entering my room. Still hating the oppressive silence of eating in the dining room alone I've taken to having meals in my room again.

"Thank you Marguerite," I reply taking a seat at the table while she unloads the tray in front of me, "Have there been any letters?" I'm losing hope of there being one but I always ask anyway just in case. When several days had gone by since William left without a letter I'd even asked Delves if any letters had come, I'd switched to asking Marguerite after he became annoyed by my questioning.

"I'm sorry," Marguerite sighs shaking her head, "There's still nothing. I've asked some of the other servants but they all say that no letters have come from the Duke."

"I don't understand. We were getting on so well, why hasn't he written to me?" I whisper more to myself than anything else.

"Men can be fickle your Grace. But I'm sure that the Duke will return soon," Marguerite tells me resting a hand on my shoulder in comfort knowing how much this silence has been paining me.

"I hope so," I reply the doubts Mrs Merrick has been instilling in me rising to the surface. Now it seems entirely possible to me that William might remain in London indefinitely like he'd thought of before we actually talked to one another.