Chapter 13

All I want is to go back to sleep but Marguerite won't let me. Instead she and another maid are helping me into a bath while another strips my bed of the filthy sheets. I suppose that I can't go back to sleep on those sheets but I can't find it in myself to care about that right now.

Not when my baby is gone.

All I want is to sleep where I can at least dream of holding my baby, alive and well. That isn't possible anymore and the knowledge that I'll never get that makes me want to sleep and never wake up. At least then I can have my baby.

I don't even know if the baby had been a boy or girl. According to Dr Blundell it'd been too small for him to tell so I'll never know if my first child was a son or daughter. Gently Marguerite bathes me cleaning away the blood letting me just sit there and come to terms with this loss on my own.

William stands near the door of my room talking to Dr Blundell who'd ridden here as fast he could when news reached him of my miscarriage. It'd started late evening yesterday and William had sent someone to fetch the doctor as soon as I'd screamed. The hours following that were a blur as maids flowed in and out of my room with water and clean towels. A midwife had even been brought in from the village to help until the doctor could get here.

I hadn't cared about any of the people in my room though as the pain continued and nothing could be done to stop it. Just like they couldn't stop me losing my baby. Not that the Doctor has given any reason as to why this happened, all he'd said was that these things just happen. But I know the truth.

I'd lost my baby because of all the arguing with William. So it seems that Mrs Merrick got her wish, all the lies she told have resulted in this.

"I believe that you should be able to try again in a few months," I hear Dr Blundell tell William as Marguerite dries me off and helps me back to bed, "I would also recommend that the Duchess follow a strengthening diet and a change of scenery should help with the Duchess's recovery."

"Thank you Doctor. Once she's recovered sufficiently I'll take the Duchess to Bath," William tells him as they walk out the room. It left the room much quieter as the maids had all left as well leaving me with just Marguerite for company, she sits silently doing some sewing in a seat on the other side of my bed. At least with her sat on that side I can't see her and can imagine that I'm alone.

Despite the quiet I'm unable to fall asleep. Instead I'm still wide awake with my mind completely blank as I stare straight ahead at the wall. Trying to come to terms with this loss, not that I think I ever will.

"How is she?" William asks quietly coming back into the room.

"Resting," Marguerite replies rather sharply. She knows all about the arguments that we'd had and how much it's upset me to be fighting with him when we'd gotten on so well before he'd heard all Mrs Merrick's lies.

"I'll sit with her," He says but it's clearly an order. As much as she might hate him at the moment he's still her employer, with more right to fire than even I have, so I hear her gather her things and leave the room.

Neither of us say anything for a while, not that there's anything that I want to say to him now. Based on how the vast majority of our conversation have ended up with us shouting at each other, which is how we ended up in this situation.

"I'm sorry," He whispers breaking the silence. I don't bother replying because he should be sorry and his apology won't change anything. "I should have been here."

"It would have been better if you'd stayed away," I reply my voice hoarse after so much screaming and crying. It seems to echo through the room though and I wish that could have seen the look on his face to see if he's as hurt as I am.

"You don't mean that,"

"I do," I reply harshly sitting up suddenly to face him, "This never would have happened if you'd stayed in London. I would still have my b-baby." My voice breaks at the end as I start crying again. I hadn't thought that I could cry anymore but clearly I was wrong.

"There is no way of knowing that," He retorts clearly trying not to lose his temper, "Dr Blundell said that these things just happen. We'll have better luck next time."

"Next time? No, I won't do this again," I state furious that he would already be planning for another child when just a few hours ago our baby was alive. He is the reason our child is dead but he doesn't care and already wants to try again for his precious heir.

"Not right away," He tells me as though in a few weeks I'll be over this loss, "We'll go to Bath in a few days once you're feeling a bit better. You can recover there for as long as you'd like."

The idea of going away from here is appealing as it's filled with memories of arguments and pain, but from what he said he'll be coming as well. I'm not sure that I want to be around him at the moment.

"Please, I want to be alone," I plead with him, "I just want to sleep."

"You shouldn't be alone right now. I'll just stay here and read in case you need anything," Even in this it seems he won't listen to me. Too tired to argue with him again I lie back down facing away from him trying to get some sleep.

Over the next week I barely speak nor do I move from my bed except for Marguerite's urging so that the sheets could be changed. Deep down I knew that they needed to be changed as my unwillingness to move has even extended to not getting up for the chamber pot. It's disgusting but I can't find it in myself to care.

News of that seems to be William's breaking point. He'd finally left me alone after the first day leaving me in Marguerite's care ever since. But when one of the maids changing the bed had started gossiping about the state of my sheets he'd immediately decided that we were leaving for Bath today.

That meant last minute packing as he refused to consider leaving tomorrow instead. His only compromise is that most of our belongings can be sent later and we'll only take what we need for the next few days with us. Nevertheless the maids have been rushing around all morning to pack what we'll need.

Marguerite is thankfully on top of it all so I can stay in bed until we have to leave. As much as I don't want to get up I'm at least looking forward to being somewhere new and to make it even better at the house in Bath I don't know anyone. Marguerite is coming with us of course as is William's valet but I'll finally be away from Mrs Merrick. There will be a different housekeeper in Bath and a much smaller staff than here much to my relief.

"Your Grace, it's almost time to go. Let me help you dress," Marguerite says softly helping me to sit up. Ever since I lost the baby she's been treating me as though I'm made of glass and will shatter with a harsh word or touch. And perhaps I will, never in my life have I felt this fragile.

I want to break though. Often now I imagine myself shattering into a million pieces and joining my baby. But that's not possible. Neither Marguerite nor William will allow it. Marguerite does so out of love for me but I don't understand William's unwillingness to let me go. If I die then he can remarry to someone worthy of him and his station, someone he can truly love.

Soon enough Marguerite has me dressed in a simple and comfortable white dress while my hair is brushed and styled. With everything, including me, now ready she helps me downstairs to where William is standing in the entrance waiting for me.

"Eleanor," He greets quietly coming towards me and taking Marguerite's place in helping me as we head outside to the carriage, "It'll take us a few days to reach Bath but I've had the carriage made as comfortable as possible. And we'll take as many breaks as you need."

I don't reply just allow myself to be assisted into the carriage, which is covered in blankets and pillows, just as he'd said. Not wanting me to be alone Marguerite quickly joins me inside, she wastes no time in fussing around me. A blanket is placed over my lap to keep me warm and she closes all the curtains to keep the wind out.

"I brought some of your favourite books, your Grace," Marguerite tells me as the carriage starts to move and she sits down on the opposite side of the carriage, "Would you prefer a novel or some poems first?"

Not having a preference I say nothing allowing her to make the choice for me. With a sad smile she opens up a novel, 'The Castles of Athlin and Dunbayne' by Ann Radcliffe, one of my favourites that I'd found in the library here. Despite having read it several times myself it's nice to hear it read aloud in Marguerite's comforting voice.

The rocking of the carriage and her soothing voice reading aloud soothes me to sleep soon enough. I only wake as we come to a stop and William knocks on the carriage door.

"We're stopping for luncheon. Would you care to eat with me?" He asks when, rather than open the door, Marguerite opens one of the curtains.

Still unprepared to forgive him for the arguments and hatred that killed my baby I reach out and shut the curtain. That seems to be answer enough for him as I hear him sigh and walk away calling for a servant to provide us with luncheon in the carriage. I'm much happier to eat in here with Marguerite for company rather than out in the open with so many people watching me.

I often feel their eyes on me, waiting for something to happen. Whether it's for me to scream and cry again or something else I don't know. But I have no interest in being a public show for them. My grief is not their entertainment nor something to gossip about.

The day before yesterday Marguerite had entered my room in a quiet anger. She harshly sent the maid who'd been sitting with out of the room, taking the seat for herself. After a few minutes I could hear her quietly mumbling to herself and eventually I was able to piece together what had made her so angry. Gossip of my miscarriage had made its way to London and had ended up in several scandal sheets, all of which gleefully reported on it as the consequence of my loose morals.

From what I heard her say that day the news had thrown William into a rage as well. He'd had every servant questioned and several were fired just for the suspicion of having gossiped about their employers. It was the first time that I'd heard Marguerite agree with something that he'd done. Not that it had stopped the servants from gossiping to each other, they're just more careful not to let any of the news out of the house.

Luncheon is only a short affair before we're on the move again. At this pace it may take close to a week before we reach Bath so I'm glad that Marguerite has brought many books with her to read. I enjoy listening to her read, her French accent sounding pleasant to my ear especially as she reads poetry. 'The Lady of the Lake' is a particular favourite of mine that she happily reads a second time when I quietly ask her to.