Chapter 17

After a moment William pulls away slightly and I can feel the heat in my cheeks stronger than before, no doubt my cheeks are painted bright red. I'd closed my eyes at some point during our kiss and it takes a moment before I open them. Once I do I find William's face still near mine watching my every expression.

"You're beautiful," He says softly stroking a thumb over my cheek before sitting back in his seat. It gives me space to breathe and recover from the overwhelming feeling that had come from our kiss, increased by his remaining closeness and compliment.

Despite that I spend the remainder of our journey home lingering on his words prior to the kiss. He claims to be falling in love with me yet he doesn't trust me. I don't understand how that's possible, before our argument I'd been feeling as though I could love him but as soon as his lack of trust in me shattered that feeling.

Now that I'm getting over my anger towards him I can feel my affection for him slowly coming back, more and more each day. But we still haven't talked about what happened and I'm scared to. I don't want to argue again nor destroy whatever is building between us.

Feeling exhausted after the concert and my thinking over William's feelings I make my excuses and retire to my room. Being alone doesn't prevent my mind from lingering on the same thoughts but at least I'm alone now. It's easier to try and figure out how I feel without him being right next to me.

Marguerite comes into the room soon after I do to help me get ready for bed. There's no way that I'd be able to get this dress without her help, not without tearing something and ruining it. Noticing that I'm tired Marguerite doesn't make much conversation beyond asking if I'd enjoyed the concert, I don't remember most of it but I tell her that I'd had a wonderful time anyway.

Sleep doesn't come easily tonight as I find myself unable to get comfortable. It's a long night of tossing and turning with very little rest so by the time the sun rises I've only slept for a few hours at most. There can be no more avoiding it. I need to speak to William about what happened.

Even with my resolve I'm terrified of what the consequences of this conversation will be. After all this relates back to the argument that resulted in the loss of our baby. Surely nothing could be worse than that but there are still many ways that this could go wrong.

"Are you well?" William asks suddenly as we're sat eating breakfast. Well he's eating while I'm picking at my food too nervous to eat.

"Yes," I reply quickly perhaps too quickly as he looks at me in disbelief, "I didn't sleep well and I'm not too hungry." He nods in understanding and returns to eating his breakfast although he still sends me concerned looks every so often.

It makes for a slightly tense meal which makes me even more nervous resulting in even less food being eaten. I continue picking at my plate until William finishes his own and we both go to the drawing room once we're done.

"I was hoping that we could talk," I say after we've sat quietly for a few minutes. I'd needed that time to gather the courage to start this conversation. William, who'd sat on the settee opposite me reading, looks up from his book.

"About what?" He asks and sensing that it must be something serious he puts his book down and comes to sit next to me.

"We've never discussed the... argument we had. Before the baby," I start to say but can't finish not that I need to as we both know what I mean, "And after what you said last night I think we need to."

"I don't believe that's a good idea," He replies shaking his head slightly.

"No," I state firmly refusing to ignore the issue anymore, "We need to talk about it. I need to know why you didn't trust me nor believe me when I told you the truth?"

"Eleanor I don't see how this will help," He tries again to deflect the question but after looking me in the eye he sighs and continues, "I've known Mrs Merrick a long time and after not hearing from you while I was away, I was hurt and so when she told me about the letters I didn't question it. But I will admit that once I calmed down I had doubts."

That surprises me because he's never mentioned any of this to me but watching as he takes a deep breath. Taking hold of my hands he continues.

"I'm sorry I didn't trust you. Once those doubts creeped in I sent for Thomas, one of my most trusted footman, to question him. He's someone that I hired myself after he saved my life and I trust him completely. From him I learned that Mrs Merrick didn't strictly tell the truth. Why did you not tell me of how she'd treated you?"

"At first I'd thought that she'd come to accept me but instead it only seemed to get worse. And she was your mother's trusted housekeeper for many years, how could I say anything?"

"Still you could have told me. I've sent Thomas back to Knole to keep an eye on the situation among the servants there while we're away. He's carrying a letter for Mrs Merrick that makes it clear that unless she comes to accept that you are the Duchess, my wife, and treat you accordingly she can find other employment."

"William," I say softly overcome by shock, "Thank you."

"There's no need to thank me for this. You should be comfortable at Knole House, it's our home. Where will raise our children. And so I won't tolerate anyone who would compromise that nor seek to drive us apart with falsehoods. From now on I also promise to trust you and I hope that you can come to trust me again."

I've never felt so close to William as I do now or as light hearted. All of the anxiousness that has consumed me since deciding to have this conversation melts away leaving only the affection that I feel for William. It's now unclouded by doubt and mistrust so it feels deeper and bigger than before.

"I believe that I'm falling in love with you too," I whisper shifting closer to William so that I can lean forward and place a quick kiss to his lips. As I pull back I'm blushing slightly and it only deepens seeing the heated look in William's eyes. Only for a moment though before he surges forward to kiss me again, deeper and more forceful than before.

With the new understanding between us it feels so much better than last time. So much so that by the time he pulls away I feel as though I could simply float away, the smile on my face likely shows just how happy I feel. Not that I'm alone in it though as William seems just as overjoyed as me. His smile is just as bright as mine and the heated look in his eyes is even more intense.

It looks as though he wants to devour me and as close as I feel to him right now I'm still not ready for more. Although I don't know for sure where this would lead if we carried on I have a feeling that it would be similar to the marriage duties that got me with child.

Feeling that distance would help I stand up, briefly feeling William's hand skim along my arm as he reaches out to keep me close and make my way to the piano wanting to play for the first time in weeks. The piano is truly beautiful. It's practically been begging me to play it but in my grief I haven't wanted to and all I'd have played would have reflected that pain. I didn't want the first time I played such a beautiful instrument to result in something so profoundly sad.

Now though as I sit down and begin to play it's light and beautiful perfectly reflecting my feelings. I can feel William's gaze on me as I continue playing blending from one song into another without stopping. On and on I play losing complete track of time as I lose myself in the music.

When I finally come to a stop, my hands aching and unable to play anymore, it's to the sound of William's applause. He comes closer still clapping softly as I flex my hands to ease the ache from playing for so long.

"That sounded wonderful my darling," He says gently coming to stand behind me. I feel his hands come to rest on my shoulders as he drops a kiss to the top of my head, "It's nice to hear you play again."

"It felt right," I reply tilting my head back to look at him, "To play now. Something happy rather than filled with grief and pain."

"I understand," He whispers his own pain at our loss clear in his voice and eyes, "Unfortunately I have to leave you now. There's some work for the estate that I have to get done today but I'll join you for luncheon." With a final kiss to my forehead he leaves the drawing room no doubt heading to his office.

With my hands aching too much to play anymore or to do any embroidery I browse the book shelves instead for something to read. Most of the books here I've read before but I do find one collection of poetry that I haven't read before. It's enough of a distraction to fill my time until luncheon.

"Luncheon is being served your Grace," A footman informs me drawing me out of my reading. I'd have likely missed it without someone coming to let me know. Now that my focus isn't devoted to my reading I realise how hungry I've become so I quickly set my book down and head out towards the dining room.

For the first time I arrive for a meal before William does. His work must be taking longer than he'd expected so I take my usual seat while I wait for him to join me. Despite everything he's never broken a promise to join me for a meal and I don't believe that he intends to start now. Sure enough the door opens again admitting William into the room not long after I've sat down.

"Sorry I'm late. It's been awhile since I've been so far from Knole and I'd forgotten how difficult it is to manage such a large estate without being there," He tells me taking his seat opposite me where he can clearly see the brief panic in my eyes, "I will adjust though. We don't have to go back until you're ready."

"And if I'm never ready?" I can't help but ask. The very thought of returning to Knole still fills me with dread. With the both of us now seated the footmen step forward and begin serving the food.

"Then we can remain here or perhaps London if you'd prefer," He states as though it's the simplest thing in the world to never go back to his family home, "Regardless of where we live, it shall be together."

"Your Grace a letter has arrived from the Marquess Hartington," Anley the butler says entering the dining room. I'm grateful for the interruption as it means I don't need to think of how to reply to William's more than generous arrangement for our living situation.

"Thank you Anley," William says taking the letter and opening it immediately, "Richard will be leaving for London the day after tomorrow, his mother requests his return as soon as possible. He asks that we host him for dinner to say goodbye tomorrow before he leaves. Is that agreeable to you Eleanor?"

"Of course," I reply slightly nervous as it'll be my first dinner with one of William's friends but at the same time I don't want to refuse and annoy William.

"Excellent. Anley send a footman to let Hartington know that we'll have him for dinner tomorrow then inform Mrs Fenton and Mrs Fielding about the dinner. There's no need for anything extravagant but still I'm sure they'd like to be prepared," William instructs sending Anley off to start organising everything.

"I'm curious how did you and Marquess Hartington meet?" I ask curiosity overwhelming me. Even when I'd spent so long learning all I could of eligible gentlemen in London I'd heard very little about the Marquess Hartington. And what little I did hear I soon forgot as I'd never intended to marry so far above my rank, with the Marquess's father being the Duke of Devonshire, I'd ruled him out as a possible husband.

"We've been friends since childhood. Both being the heirs to Dukedoms it was difficult to find true friendships and he was the only other child of a similar rank around my age. Over the years we did of course make other friends such as Drydan and Bedford but we remained close nonetheless." His words fill me with loneliness as I'd never had much opportunity to make friends. I try to push it away though as my lonely childhood is no fault of William's.

"How wonderful. I look forward to getting to know him better," I reply in the end not sure what else to say. At least I'll have the remainder of today and most of tomorrow to prepare myself for the dinner, never having been the hostess before there'll surely be much to do. Even if we do only have the one guest.