Ch. 16 - Pondering the past and present.

Walking round by the coast again with the sun on my face and the feeling of sea breeze makes me feel sleepy, Not gonna lie. So I walk by the cafe near my house and ordered black coffee, my usual order. I also ordered a bagel cause I always make the mistake of drinking strong coffee in the morning with an empty stomach, which time to time has cause me to have an upset stomach. I could be careless sometimes, I rode a cab to work after wards.

Nothing beats the feeling of warmth and ease in my body when im staring at the horizon by the coast while the sun slowly rise up into the majestic clouds.

The sight of the sun's reflection in the sea is magnificent. Too bad the cab has to take a turn and my view is now block by establishments.

Looking at the crowded streets in the morning, people walking on the sidewalks while some stand still waiting for public transport, the city I am in really is busy. Its not a pleasant sight compared to the coastal horizon that calms me down, this sight makes me stress, knowing that now I am an adult who needs to work for a living, unlike when I was just a child I have no responsibilities at all, now I have alot. Come to think of it, I know that there is a road along the coast that isn't crowded or have that too much traffic, but cabs dont take that route cause its much farther and it would took a few more minutes to get to my destination. I went there once but im yet familiar with the directions and I dont have any spare time to navigate myself into new areas.

I can't think of something right now, I also need to "Divorce" Airi in the game, I already lose interest in it. As much as I wanna help Airi, I dont wanna recall my awful memories cause I have trouble sleeping cause it makes me upset. I just dont want anything to do with other people especially when I have no idea or understanding of their conditions, I dont feel like meddling in their problems. I have my own problems too, no matter how heavy they are, I dont ask others for help nor get them involve in it, its always been just me and I dont plan on changing my directions. I missed the days where im just a student, a Highschool student to be exact. Middle school was my worst years, but during my time in Highschool, I was undeniably happy and cheerful, I was known for my artworks especially with my anime drawings. I always love the idea of becoming an anime artist or hosting my own art gallery in the future, but life doesn't give you want you want.

As a fact, IT NEVER DOES.

Becoming an adult is painful and stressful, now I am Sous chef (under chef) at my fathers restaurant, not what the career I hope to, but im not saying its a good career, but I just dont feel passionate and happy when im cooking rather than when im drawing. Sometimes, I just randomly think of a character or some poses and I get excited about putting my imagination in motion, so I just grab my pencils and started drawing. Its so relaxing and it makes me happy. But whereas im trying to learn a new recipe, I always not feeling so much and I can't get it on the first try, and when I thought I had it in the second attempt, I will always forget one vital ingredient and mess up the whole dish. It always takes me three attempts to accomplish it, and even so I dont feel confident in my cooking. I know we can't things perfect on the first time we try, but its that sinking feeling and loss, like there's something that is always lacking. I feel like im trapped into doing this and not being able to pursue my own happiness.

But then I remember, before I started doing all of this, I remember how anxious I am about my future, I studied so hard and I try to learn alot of things cause I wasn't sure what career to pick, I was scared back then. But whenever I feel down or fearful of what I might become in the future as I wasn't certain which career to pick, I would grab my pencils and draw. I would simply sketch what's on my mind, I would isolate myself to concentrate and the more calm and collected my mind became, the more astonishing my strokes become. Thinking more about it, I was never really competitive or under any pressure whenever I am drawing, it was more of a hobby and a way to calm myself whenever im stressed. It wasn't just the same whenever I am cooking, I am constantly under pressure and it was a necessity rather than just entertainment. As much as I wanna draw and become an artist, I know for a fact that only people with stable financial status or with rich parents can actual become successful with arts as their primary career, and back then, I do not have such things. Maybe I dont have much of a choice to begin with, even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to accomplish anything. However, I reminded myself that im still alive and have plenty of time, I have a job now, I can now make a choice, but I am still uncertain which path to take. I just let it slip from my mind and think of something else.

I got to the restaurant earlier this time, only Haruna and my father are here. Haruna is already chopping down some vegetables and she is silent as ever, I gave her a nod and walk towards the changing room. Looking at the mirror wearing my attire. I took a good sigh of relief, and told myself.

"Its not what I want, but it is what I need."

Feeling a bit at ease, I confidently walk towards my station and started preparing some ingredients for the upcoming dishes while occasionally taking sips on my coffee cup.

*Door opens*

Kazuo : "Good morning everyone~."

"Morning." I replied.

Haruna just nods.

Chinatsu : "Hello everyone! Hi senpai!"

Akagi : "Hello, Chinatsu."

Haruna just smiles.

Shortly after, one by one my friends started to arrive and the place got even livelier. Kazuo and Chinatsu started to chatter and have a conversation while helping us set the restaurant ready. Haruna remains silent while sharpening the knives.

*Door opens*

Ryota : "Hello! Im glad I made it, im not late right?"

Akagi : "No, but since we're all here and your the last one, technically yes."

Ryota : "Aw man!"

We both chuckle.

Haruna : "Hello, Ryota~."

She finally spoke.

"Hello, Haruna." He replied. He approach her and give her a hug, Haruna just lay her head on him and Ryota went to change. Kazuo and Chinatsu are both chatting in the background, my father ask me to come help with. The place was livelier compared to minutes ago. After a few short minutes we opened and customers come flooding in, we continue to have more and more customers as days pass by. In some cases were overwhelmed and in some cases there were alot of empty seats, but overall the restaurant is doing well. This may not be the job I wanted, or what I enjoy doing, but it is what I need to survive, life is hard and has limited choices, better not to be picky and just endure the frustration and pain.

However, im glad, im glad and thankful that im still alive and is living well, at least I now have the freedom to choose what I want, to have the ability to get what I materially desire, even if I am not allowed to choose a path or dont have any control over my fate. Im still quite happy to be here. As long as your still alive you still have plenty of chances, just take whatever opportunities to have some room for yourself, your improvements and your happiness.

After all, my grandfather told me...

"Work to live, not live to work."

I try to forgot all of my worries and put on some music to feel livid and continue to work at relative ease. Before I realized it, I was vibing to the rhythm of the music as I chopped and stir the exquisite dishes im cooking. I let out a chuckle and just continued to go with the flow.

"Ah, Senpai, you seem in a good mood."

Said Chinatsu.

"I think I kinda am."

I replied to her whilst nodding.

Its been a while since I listen to my favorite songs, i've always been so preoccupied with something that I couldn't let myself enjoy every once in a while, maybe the fact that I also told my past to Airi, help me relieve some emotions and grudges that i've been bottling up inside me. I guess it also help me in a sense of way.