Ch. 58 - Suffering in silence.

I walk away from the blissful and lively atmosphere of the food bazaar. I walk away harboring dense frustrations reconnecting with the past, and as I do, I slowly begun to see how lonely I truly am. It made me upset, I've isolated myself for so long, I feel like I've been left out so much. I watch how the darkening night sky consumes me, and how the illuminating lights of the stalls fade away from my sight.

... I reach our home, I didn't notice how quick I manage to get home with my thoughts so preoccupied. I knock on the door three times before entering, my parents are both sitting in the living room sofa, enjoying the evening by watching a drama series.

"Welcome back." My father said. He looks at me.

"How was it? Were they nice to you?" He added. My

mother then stood up and ask me.

"Are you hungry? If you want to eat, I would cook for you." She told me. I appreciated how much they care for me. I feel like actually having the parents I always wanted as a child. I dont want them to worry so much about me, so I just put up a fake facade of joy on my face, and implement white lies.

"No, its okay, mother. I ate lots over there." I said with a smile.

"And they were nice to me, really nice. Turns out, they're my classmates in Highschool from Shizuka."

My father chuckles. "My~ That's good to hear."

My mother said before sitting back down. "Then you must've have alot to talk about, no?" My father aks. "Quite alot, anyways, they sent me an email, so im gonna head in my room and check it out first."

I said as I slowly walk away towards my room. I made sure I kept a straight eye contact with them, so they wont get suspicious. But they weren't there to witness me grow up. And so they can't exactly tell what's going on with me unless I say what I feel.

"Okay, son!" They both said.

I enter my room and took off my shirt, before laying down shirtless on my bed. I sigh on frustration with what happened earlier, I try to calm by relaxing my body first. I couldn't believe she wants to put the blame on me, so what? Just because she is your friend? Just because she is a woman? I don't understand why some people only prefer to listen to just one side of the story. They completely believe what she says or assess the situation only based on what they see. As if they didn't factor in the other party's point of view, my point of view. How much pain it caused me, how hard it was for me to make that decision. How much I suffered. However, this isn't the first time I received such complaints. Several of her friends keep emailing me about it. It never inflicted me for I knew that I am safe and secure in our new home. That everything else I left there wouldn't be able to reach me, but I was wrong. My mind is continuously baffled by this arising trouble, my mind is desperately craving something, a sensation of comfort, ease, and solution. Something, I could hold onto, to give me hope that would give me the nesesary strength I need to go on. The aching sensation of sorrow that torments me everyday, grows heavier in my heart. I don't know how long could I keep it bottled up. I get up and sat on the side of my bed, trying to think of anything to distract myself and pass the time. And so I would be able to forget everything about this. Then I remembered, tomorrow is my grandfather's birthday. I haven't been able to visit his grave for 3 years now, I kinda feel bad. Maybe I should give him a visit, he's probably upset I haven't been able to visit him for a long time. Grandfather is always strict when it comes to time management, he taught me well about it. Although I need to travel all the way back to Shizuka to do so, I don't mind. I also want to feel some nostalgia, maybe being able to feel his presence would ease my worries, just like how he could when he was still alive. I packed a bag to carry some of my things that I might need, just in case I ended up staying in a hotel or need to buy something on the way. I took a shower and touch myself in the process to calm myself so I could sleep peacefully.

...

The sun rose up, I woke up well rested and determined to take a day off to visit my grandfather's grave. I find myself embracing for the expected exhaustion of the trip back to my old home. I am quite excited, but afraid I might run into some old relatives. I informed my parents about this and granted me to take the day off. I walk towards the train station, wearing clothes I've never wore before, I try to calculate at what time I'd arrive. I dont plan to show up in the morning or later in the day until sunset. For I know my aunt and cousins would also be visiting his grave, I want to take some time alone with my grandfather. I feel like even if he's already not with us, I could only open up to him.

...

After hours, I got back to a rather refreshing sight, a scenery full of green leaves and vast paddies of rice. The air was fresh, and the sight pleasing, in contrast to the urban conditions in Kanagawa. This triggers back some of my childhood memories, I felt nostalgic seeing grasshoppers and dragonflies. I used to chase and catch them as a kid, I instinctively try to approach it, wanting to hold and feel it in my hands again. But it suddenly jump away as I get close, I was started. It seems I am not use to it anymore after living in the city full of responsibilities. But I find it funny, I begun chasing them once again and felt young and lively. I lost my composure and techniques on how I sneak up to one. But probably because im no longer small and the insects could see me from a mile away. The sun is still up, I still have more time. I decided to take a stroll around the neighborhood that I used to roam around, I run by the old market where my grandmother would take me to buy fresh fruits and vegetables. The old houses was still here, the water irrigation is alot more complex and bigger than I remember it to be. I walk through a place that still seemed familiar, all of my memories walking through here as a kid is still so fresh in my mind. The very same homes, the same people still lives around here. I feel alienated, I feel like I no longer has any roots here since I move away. I stop by the local cafeteria, I sat down with a cup of coffee and pull out my sketchbook to pass the time. I sat there and wait until the sun sets, I'd watch people come and go, people I used to know as a kid. However they don't recognize me, I just sit there and watch them. Looking at them makes me scared on how time flies so fast, it seems like just yesterday I was playing with them as a kid. But now im already an adult who had been alienated by my childhood friends. I was hoping I'd be recognized, but they walk pass me like a stranger. It sad how fate tored away so much from me, the day was finally ending, the sun is going down. Its my queue to leave. After a few minutes of walking through the woods, hearing nothing but silence. I've reach the cemetery we're my grandparents are buried, resting after living a life full of hardships. They remain steadfast after all the trials they had in life, even when my mother, they're daughter. Dishonored and disrespected the morals and traditions my grandparents have been practicing since the times of their childhood. I stumbled upon theirs, and kneeled down in exhaustion and relief.

"Grandfather, grandmother...im back...its me, your grandson."

I muttered.

"Im sorry I wasn't able to visit for the past few years. Life has been hard on me, but just like you two use to tell me, life was never easy."

I said as I stared endlessly on his gravestone. I begun to feel comfortable to be within their presence. I begun to reach out to my feelings, and felt comfortable to release it all. Even though I kenw they're not physically here with me, I could feel the same comforting feeling they make me experience within their arms when they we're still alive.

"Grandfather...I am quite baffled on how much my life went through...the hardest part yet was considerably over by now. But the pain it continues to give me still hurts as if it just happened yesterday."

...

"Ever since you and grandmother past away, I've been engaged in doing hard work for a living. I've work tirelessly, in heat and in rain. But I was proud of it you know? You taught me how to be diligent, so I was proud to take several jobs, and do housework for my aunt. Even if they treated me poorly, you taught me to never hold any grudges. So I did. Are you proud of me, grandfather?"

...

"I've survived most of the hardships I've experience, you always mention to me how life is not an easy terrain to get through, they'll always be obstacles that would block and hinder me from making any progess. I was prepared to take on it and embark the ruthlessness of life. Because you raise me so. But I've got to say, im quite tired of living, I want to give up...there's too much burdens I need to take, and im in so much pain..."

I started to feel my heart aching in so much sadness, it was completely dark and so I felt more comfortable to let it all out and shed some tears. In hopes in would lighten the pain im carrying inside.

"I never enjoyed my childhood as my mother left me, I never felt appreciated for who I am, I was never treated out of love but only only how much I could be use. I never experienced what it feels to live without stress, troubles or worries growing up. Even as a child I was already thrown in the flames of hardships. Its hard to stand up on your own, in my sleep every night I always think of having a good life, achieving my goals. I stopped craving my desires, stopped chasing my passion, just so I could save all the money I make. I will endure it."

"However its hard to have no one to turn to when your troubled, its hard to be alone. Its hard to trust someone with your thoughts and feelings.

Even my girlfriend replace me with somebody else, I've tried to hard to keep everyone I love by my side. But it seems like im so powerless to do anything. Faith kept taking away everyone I ever loved. Grandfather, it hurts, it hurts so much. What my life has befall into. I wish you and grandmother are still here with me, because I dont know what to do with all this pain. Please help me, tell me what to do."

I've begun to break down in tears as I reach out to my heart and immediately felt how I was overwhelmed by the sadness I've bottled up inside me for years. I was desperate for a change, but too tired to keep going. I don't want to go against their teachings, but I dont want to be restrained either. I already lost hope and I want to give up. I have no reason to continue living, for it seems like I only live to be continuously hammered down by fate. For a few minutes, the ground im resting on becomes intertwined with my tears and has become muddy on the surface. I've let out so much that all I felt left was an empty void in my heart. I don't know what I should do next, it seems like all that is left for me to do in this life is to continue working. Nothing else. I remember back then, I was so pathetic as a child. I would always cry with the slightest sign of misery, I would always get upset and my grandparents would always look at me with a trace of disappointment in their eyes. Not because they're disappointed in me, but to my parents. They would looked at me and feel pity, knowing I wouldn't grow up in peace knowing I have no one else to look after me. They feel strong hatred to my parents for leaving me like that. And so, they're a bit harsh about their teachings, in order to make sure I would be indoctrinated with strong discipline amd determination to continue. I could imagine my grandfather, just starring at me blankly with a stoic expression, looking down at me and saying. "Akagi, look at you. You've already grown up but you're still crying as if you are still a little kid. Remember, no one will help you in your journey, there is no guarantee that the people you love would stay by your side. So always help yourself, let go of the people who would only hinder you in your progress." I suddenly thought that this would my grandfather say if he was still alive. It sounds like something he would definitely say. I remember, when he told me a week before he passed away. He already had an oxygen tank attached to his nose, he was struggling to breath. But with his last breath he told me.

"Concentrate on achieving your goals, don't be so affected by the things that are happening around you. Learn to live in the present, for no matter how sad you become, it will not change the past. And no matter how you worry, it will not change the future. The only power you have is to change who you are and your future by making the decisions that would change the course of your life. Never lose hope or faith in life, for everything is in your hands."

I suddenly began to remember all his teachings that I've slowly forgotten through the years. But as I get the slightest reminder of it, I remembered all of it. It all rushed into my head and felt a sense of accomplishment and pride in my heart. Even though im unfortunate in love, I was able to endure the loneliness untill now.

Being able to stand on my own, I have a good job, a financially secure life, being able to hold my emotions inside, being able to remain stoic and hold my ground. I've become what my grandfather wished me to be. I didn't realize that all I have right now are all springboards to having a wonderful life, but I was too gloomy to realize. I wipe off the tears in my eyes and caress my grandparents tombstones.

"Thank you for giving me strength, grandfather. Thank you for giving me hope, grandmother. Thank you so much for everything."