Four Things (2)

Mina's POV

It took a while for them to recover from their hyped demeanor due to what I had just given them, but after explaining that the process of its creation wouldn't make it in time for the expedition, Captain Hange made sure to secure it before we left our base.

As instructed by our captain, she brought us to a secluded place deep inside a forest. It took a few hours of trekking before we finally saw a huge and lonely castle isolated from civilization. White paint was used for the walls, and the roof was painted blue. The windows illuminated the light brought by the moon, making it a majestic yet lonesome sight. 

"Keep up, Mina." Moblit reminded me, noticing my pace getting slower. I immediately apologized before getting back on track, curious about what I'd experience next. 

Then, finally, after that long and arduous journey, on and off our horses, we arrived at the Survey Corps' former HQ. 

Moblit volunteered to tie our horses, and he ushered me to follow our captain. It feels so wrong since I'm the rookie here, but he was so adamant about doing his job. So, with a defeated sigh, I could only nod my head before finally running towards our captain, who was stepping inside the castle. 

I was expecting it to be dusty, but low and behold, the hallway looked spotless. 

"He already cleaned, as expected!" Captain Hange giggles before taking a turn around the corner. Hearing those words coming out of her mouth was enough to make me realize who was currently staying in this castle. I have certainly hit the jackpot after gunning my way to my current position. "I think this is it."

Upon hearing a loud thud, I involuntarily flinched. "C-captain?!" 

"Ahaha, the door's locked." Now I understand why Moblit acts like a mother hen towards this woman. 

The sound of the door being unlocked as Captain Hange excitedly stared at it left me chuckling. It didn't last, however, because when it finally opened, six pairs of eyes landed directly on our figures. 

Captain Hange eagerly smiled while lifting her right arm as a gesture of greeting. "Hello, Squad Levi. How are you enjoying the castle?"

"You're early." Captain Levi responded as fatigue was evident in his voice. 

"I couldn't wait any longer!"

Captain Hange immediately walked past the whole group, targeting Eren, who was on the other side of the table. I knew from his gaze that he must have wanted to ask what I was doing here, but he had more pressing matters to attend to. 

The least I could do was give him a small wave. 

"Hey there, Eren." Captain Hange stood proud and confident as she continued to introduce herself. "I'm in charge of investigating the two titans we've captured in town, and I'd like you to help with tomorrow's experiments. I came to get permission, along with your friend, of course."

Upon mentioning my 'title,' a few pairs of eyes landed on my figure as I became eager to leave the room. Captain Hange, you didn't need to mention a soldier like me to Eren. I'll gladly listen to your rambles rather than experience this form of torture!

The two of them continued to chat about the upcoming experiments that Captain Hange would perform, so I took that chance to observe the very squad that Captain Levi had chosen. The first was his second in command, Eld Jinn. He has a noticeable beard and light-colored hair. Next is Gunther Schultz, a man with brown and pointed hair. Then, my eyes wandered to Olou Bozado. I tried to observe him more, but it felt wrong to stare at him for so long.

And lastly, Petra Ral. When she noticed my stare at her, she immediately gave me one of the sweetest smiles I had ever seen in my entire life. It's weird, but I can tell from that simple action that she's a kind and gentle person. 

Something tightened within my chest, and I knew deep inside the cause why I was feeling so. The reason is simple: I have seen these people during my time in the second world, and it was when Ymir showed me the scenario where Eren turned into his titan form during the expedition. I've only heard their names from the veteran soldiers afterward when I tried to look for their dead bodies, and remembering it now makes me a bit uneasy and nauseous. 

"Are you all right?" Petra walked up to me and placed her hand on my arm. "You look pale."

I tried to hide the chaos that was forming within me by giving her a forced smile. "I'm fine. Thank you for your concern."

"Oh? How polite." Then she smiled, one that almost made me want to puke from all the information that was suddenly pouring inside my head. "Let's get along, miss…?"

"Mina." With a forced push, I finally held her hand while ensuring it did not quiver. "Mina Carolina."

"I'm Petra Ral. Nice to meet you, Mina!" 

Then, all of a sudden, everyone except for Eren began to stand as they all rushed out of the room. It confused me at first as I stood my ground. It wasn't until Petra began to pull me away that I realized why they had all suddenly left. 

With a pitiful sigh that was directed at Eren's soon-to-be fate, I could only glance at him for one last time before Petra successfully forced me out of that place. 

"It looks like you're going to sleep here." Petra continued to hold my hand as the other soldiers went their separate ways. "We have cleaned the guest room, but it's still not passable to our captain's taste, so why don't you sleep with me for the time being?" 

I paled. "No, it's okay! I can just sleep on a branch of a tree outside-"

"I'm not taking a no for an answer, Mina." 

Upon saying those words to me, Petra forcibly dragged me towards her room on the upper floors, bidding Captain Levi a good night before proceeding to do so. 

To summarize my first few hours with Petra sleeping beside me, I could only give one word to define my predicament: torture. It's not that she snores – oh god, no – but sleeping with a person who will eventually die after a month is ripping every sanity that I have left within me. 

So, as quietly as possible, I slid off the bed and made my way out of the room. It was probably past midnight, judging from the position of the moon, and walking alone in this eerie hallway somehow calmed my raging heart. 

I'm thankful that I'll get to witness and support Eren during his time of training with his titan-shifting process, but can I survive seeing these people – healthy and alive – knowing that death will soon claim them? 

"Can you hear me, Ymir?" I whispered just after I finally took a step into the courtyard. I had hoped for her to respond, not minding the pain that I'll soon suffer because it's better than feeling this guilt that continues to devour me.

But when no one replied, I could only sigh in defeat. "All right, just hear me out, okay? I'm…"

Frustrated?

Angry?

Guilty? 

No, all of those words don't define my current emotion. 

With a heavy and mournful heart, I eventually sat in the middle of this cold and desolate ground. Honestly, I already tried saving many lives in world number two, one that didn't affect Eren's future. It's pointless and chaotic, but at least it lessens my guilt of ignorance. 

To be ignorant is bliss, and I must continue doing so. But… as my ignorance spreads wildly toward the lives of thousands of humans, this pain that will never leave me only worsens, eventually pushing me to commit shameful and cowardly acts.

The first is self-harm. I had tried to stain 'Mina Carolina's body by giving it countless scars hidden behind my uniform. However, as much as it gave me a short time of relief, my sin continues to haunt me.

And so, at some point, I began to brand myself. 

It still didn't help, though. Overall, self-harm is pointless, and it doesn't alleviate shit. 

"If you're not going to clean this place, then get back to bed, brat." 

As much as I had missed hearing that cold and ruthless voice of his, for this world, I am simply a new soldier in his eyes. So, after clearing my mind, I quickly stood and saluted him. "Yes, sir, I'll go clean." 

"…"

He raised an eyebrow before crossing his arms over his chest. "Is that sarcasm I hear, soldier?" 

I frowned. "No, sir! I can't sleep, so I might as well heed your words and clean this place." 

"You're weird." 

That was the second time someone had called me weird. However, in contrast to everyone's reaction, I chuckled. "Yeah, that I am. Are you not going to sleep, sir?" 

Captain Levi rolled his eyes before finally taking a seat on a crate that probably contained ingredients or supplies. "With two abnormal humans in my kitchen? No fucking way."

As the night went on and up until the sun started to rise, Captain Levi never left his spot on the crate and, at times, glanced at my figure, who spent my time cleaning the courtyard instead of mulling over depressing things. 

That comfortable silence, one so rare to experience, is something that I'll forever be thankful for.

Then, morning came.

A clear blue sky that looks so vividly real greeted my worn-out body. After hours of cleaning the courtyard by myself, I surprised Petra, who woke up alone in her bed. On the other hand, Moblit called out to me for some grave news. 

However, my thoughts about that 'grave matter' eventually shifted after seeing Eren more worn out than ever. Captain Hange doesn't pull her punches, huh? 

Moblit gasped for air and asked, "Is Squad Leader Hange here?" Upon seeing her figure, he continued. "The test subjects… Both Titans were killed!" 

Yeah.

What a good morning.

*****