A Faint Memory Of The Past

Seung-joon woke up before dawn, the sky still a deep shade of night. Min-jun was nestled peacefully on his arm, looking as peaceful as a sleeping child. With utmost care, Seung-joon lifted Min-jun's head to free his arm, trying not to disturb him. After a quick trip to the bathroom, he found Min-jun had shifted in his sleep. Returning to the bed, Seungjoon settled back down, resting his head on Min-jun's arm, and let himself drift off, his gaze lingering on Min-jun's tranquil face.

The next time Seung-joon woke, he saw that Min-jun was pretending to sleep. Seung-joon took a couple of seconds to admire Min-jun's handsome face, noting the small, telltale movements of his eyes beneath the lids. With a faint, affectionate smile, Seung-joon lightly shook Min-jun's shoulder.

 "Hyung, are you feeling okay?" Seung-joon asked, his fingers lingering on Min-jun's cool forehead as he checked his temperature. He enjoyed the brief, comforting contact.

"I'm fine. Thanks, Joon-ah," Min-jun murmured in a gentle, sleepy tone. Seung-joon was struck by the velvety smoothness of Min-jun's voice, a quality he hadn't noticed before.

The familiar way Min-jun spoke caught Seung-joon off guard, filling him with a warm, pleasant feeling. A sweet smile spread across his face as he nodded in response.

"Alright then, I'm glad to hear that," Seung-joon said, reluctantly getting out of bed. "Hyung, I'll take a quick shower now. We'll need to hurry if we don't want to be late for breakfast."

At the breakfast table, Seung-joon took a seat next to Min-jun and engaged in conversation with the other members. However, he couldn't keep his thoughts away from Min-jun. Watching Min-jun eat, Seung-joon thought he looked adorable. Min-jun's cheeks were puffed out with food, giving him the endearing appearance of a baby chipmunk. His bright, round eyes gleamed with joy.

Seung-joon spent the entire day longing to be near Min-jun. From the dining hall window, he watched Min-jun playing beach volleyball, his lean physique shimmering with sweat under the early summer sun. As a member of the club committee, Seung-joon had to attend meetings about the upcoming academic year's activities. His impatience grew with each passing moment, wishing the meetings would end faster. By the time he returned to their room, the sun was almost gone, dipping below the horizon.

When Seung-joon walked into the room, he found Min-jun drying his hair, wearing nothing but a towel around his waist. The sight of Min-jun's bare torso made Seung-joon's ears flush with heat. He felt an intense urge to scratch the back of his neck, which was burning almost as much as his ears. He realized he was treading in dangerous waters as his heart started racing fast.

"Hyung, do you work out often?" Seung-joon asked, attempting to distract his mind.

"I play a lot of sports," Min-jun answered, pulling on his shirt. Min-jun's face had turned a soft pink. Seung-joon felt his ears growing warm, almost as if they were steaming. He rummaged through his bag for his clothes, making a conscious effort not to meet Min-jun's eyes.

Seung-joon's heart leaped in his chest when Min-jun asked, "Would you like to go for a walk?" 

He slowly turned to the glass wall, smiling warmly.

"That would be great. I'll have a quick wash and come," Seung-joon said, making his way to the bathroom with a sense of relief that Min-jun hadn't noticed his flustered state.

"Sure. I'll be waiting outside, so just come find me when you're finished,"

In the bathroom, Seung-joon quickly shed his clothes and stepped into the shower, closing his eyes tightly. The image of Min-jun's body was seared into his mind, and Seung-joon groaned as he opened his eyes.

'Ugh… What's wrong with me? At this rate, he'll figure out how I feel soon.'

For a few minutes, Seung-joon pondered the implications if Min-jun ever discovered his feelings.

'I don't think he's ready for that. Besides, what good would it do to tell him how I feel if I can't offer him a future?'

Seung-joon knelt on the bathroom floor, letting the hot water pour over him as he attempted to wash away his tears. For the first time, he wished he could be an ordinary person. Even though many people cared for him deeply, he felt inadequate, unable to reciprocate their love. As he tilted his face upward, letting the water flow over him, he wished he could vanish along with it, disappearing from the hearts and memories of those who loved him.

With a heavy heart, Seung-joon exited the resort and noticed Min-jun standing by the entrance, watching the sunset with a sorrowful gaze. Seung-joon had to resist the strong urge to embrace Min-jun from behind. As the sun sank lower, the sky was ablaze with deep reds, oranges, and yellows. Seung-joon walked ahead quietly, guiding them to the most remote part of the small beach.

They sat side by side on the beach, watching the sunset in silence. Seung-joon was weary from the battle he had been fighting all his life, feeling a strong desire to let it all go. He recognized the futility of his struggle and knew its end was inevitable, no matter when it came. A shiver ran through him as the cold evening air set. His thoughts were interrupted when Min-jun gently held something before him. Seung-joon's face softened into a small smile when he saw the hot drink. Taking it from Min-jun, Seung-joon looked into his innocent eyes, feeling a comforting warmth spread through his heart. At that moment, he wished he could win his battle, knowing that Min-jun made every second they spent together worth it.

"Thank you, hyung," Seung-joon said softly, taking the drink with both hands and letting its warmth spread through his palms as he sipped it slowly. He couldn't shake the strong desire to hold Min-jun's hand. Seung-joon glanced at Min-jun once more, and for that brief moment, time seemed to freeze. He closed his eyes, letting the peace of the moment fill his soul, knowing this was a fleeting, irreplaceable experience. It felt as though he was in a dream.

"Thank you, Joon-ah"

Seung-joon heard Min-jun say, and he looked at him with a questioning look.

"Just... I feel grateful for this moment."

Seung-joon slowly turned his head towards the vast, seemingly endless expanse of the ocean. The gentle sound of waves crashing onto the shore filled his ears as he took a deep breath, inhaling the salty sea air. With a serene and calm expression on his face, he finally replied.

"I feel the same too."

 ***

Seung-joon engaged in casual conversation with his club members over dinner, but a sense of unease lingered beneath the surface. Later, he and Min-jun returned to their room, where they discussed the club's future activities until they eventually fell asleep. Still, Seung-joon couldn't silence the nagging thought at the back of his mind—a feeling that something terrible was about to unfold.

***

Seung-joon knew he was dreaming, yet no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't wake himself from it. This was exactly what had gnawed at him all afternoon, the foreboding he couldn't shake. In the dream, he tore through the narrow, shadow-filled lanes, his heartbeat thundering in his chest. The darkness around him was suffocating, almost tangible, blurring everything in his path. He knew he had to keep running, yet the unnerving sensation of being pursued clung to him as if something—or someone—was always just a step behind.

Suddenly, Seung-joon glimpsed a shadow in the distance. At first, it was faint, barely there, but as it crept closer, he could make out a dark, foreboding figure that appeared to devour all the light around it. Seung-joon's breath stalled, his lungs constricted, and his legs became heavy, weighed down by an unseen force.

Seung-joon knew he had to keep running, but the shadow was closing in, inching nearer with every step. He could feel its icy breath against the back of his neck. If it caught him, he knew it would drag him away from his family and Minjun and trap him in a place of eternal darkness. Seung-joon tried to scream Minjun's name, but no sound escaped his lips.

 'Han-ah… Han-ah…' Seung-joon tried to scream with all his strength, but his lungs felt hollow, as if no air remained. He could feel himself slipping into unconsciousness, tears streaming down his face. He collapsed to the ground, overwhelmed by a sense of helplessness and isolation. As he gazed at the horizon, a small light flickered like a distant firefly. Desperately, he reached out toward it, longing to grasp it, to hold onto that fragile glimmer.

'Please.. Let me see him once… Just once..'

Just as Seung-joon was on the verge of surrendering to the darkness as the firefly's light faded, he suddenly felt something—soft lips pressed against his face and a voice, trembling with desperation, calling his name. It was like a distant echo, yet it reached deep within him, stirring something buried in his soul.

"H-Han-ah…" The name filled every corner of his being, bringing with it a warmth that slowly pulled him back, his senses returning, little by little.

Seung-joon lay there, utterly helpless, his heart breaking as he sensed Min-jun's desperate sobs of fear. He couldn't open his eyes, but every trembling inch of his body felt Min-jun clinging to him, the raw emotion so tangible it hurt. At that moment, Seung-joon's hatred for himself was overwhelming—more than he had ever despised his own fate, he despised his inability to protect Min-jun from this agony.

Deep within, he promised himself that he would never let Min-jun suffer like this again. He would do everything in his power to shield Minjun from ever feeling this kind of pain because of him.

'Han-ah, you deserve someone who can keep you happy for the rest of your life. Let me be just a faint memory of the past,' Seung-joon thought, a soft, defeated sigh slipping from his lips.

"Baby... Baby, wake up... Joon-ah... Joon-ah, I'm here. Please, wake up..."

Seung-joon's heart shattered as he heard Min-jun's pleading voice. Tears flowed silently down his face, his chest tightening with each word. Unable to bear the weight of his emotions, he cried until exhaustion took over, slipping into a sleep so deep that he wished he would never wake from it again.