Take More Pride in your Death

"Standards!" I shout, "Standards, standards, standards! You have to look more carefully at your adversary and judge with discernment if they are worthy of killing you, but you have to have standards before your discernment is worth anything."

"I just want to die," Centi whines, "I honestly don't care who does it."

"What if you get killed by a creep and he steals your body?"

"As long as I am dead I won't know the difference."

"What if you get killed by a mad scientist and he steals your body and ends up reanimating your body?"

"No science can bring drag my unwilling soul back to my body."

"How about a super evil dark mage that makes a contract with the king of the underworld to bring your soul back to your body so that you can be his undead wife?"

She looks at me and blinks, "Who hurt you?"

I shrug my shoulders and spread my hands in an innocent gesture, "I am just trying to make you aware of all the possibilities."

"I suppose that would be rather unfortunate if I was killed and bound by a contract to return to my body, but that would never happen."

"But it could."

"It won't."

"But-"

"Fine!" She says, "I won't let any dark mages kill me. Why do you care so much about who kills me or you... Wait! Are you... really suicidal?"

"Yes! Of course I am suicidal! See?" I run over and brandish my neck, "Kill me."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because you have to kill me."

"But I'm not worthy."

"You don't have to be worthy."

"Please, I am begging you, have some standards. I haven't showered in weeks, and I talk to wooden chests like they are my best friend. Why don't you see that I am a lunatic who should not be killing anyone?"

She looks at me, "If you are so suicidal, then take your own life."

"Why don't you do that?" I ask.

She looks at me in shock, "I would never! That is way too scary. Having someone else do it would be much better. "

"That is exactly why I don't do it myself."

"Man up."

"Oh, shove it."

As we are talking, I hear footsteps in the hallway.

"Someone is coming. Don't let them kill you."

"I'll let them kill me."

"Please don't."

The figure that walks in is cloaked in black robes with a large hood and a staff made of dark twisted wood.

The man speaks in a deep voice, "Oh, my dear dungeon boss. Your fiery hair and fair skin have me captivated. After I kill you to take the treasure from this dungeon, I will make a contract with the king of the underworld so that your soul can once again be bound to your body, and you can reign beside me as my wife."

Centi looks at me, and I raise my hands once again, "Told you."

"Shut up," She snaps back.

When I speak, the man looks over at me, "Who is he?"

"I am your worst nightmare if you lay your hands on her," I jerk my thumb toward Centi, "I am the final boss. She is still in training."

Centi looks at the man apologetically and says, "Sorry, I just promised that I wouldn't let any dark mages kill me."

"Don't apologize to people trying to kill you!" I shout.

Centi pulls out her fire staff and starts launching fireballs at the cloaked man. The man responds casually by holding up his dark staff. The fireballs are sucked into the end of the staff, and they disappear.

"Only dark magic works against da-" The man starts to say, but Centi cuts him off by sending more fire his way.

"No one cares about what you are saying. I just want to get this over with so that the next person can hurry along and kill me." She says.

The more I watch, the greater my concern grows. The dark mage is able to absorb her fireballs, and she doesn't have a reliable weapon; the mace that she has isn't suited for her. It isn't just that the fireballs aren't landing, but this darkly appareled stranger has an ominous aura around him. I am not sure that a simple tackle will do it. If he hadn't already stated his creepy killing intent then I wouldn't worry, because every adventurer I have encountered has either went down easily enough, or just left whenever they got the chest open. This guy seems like he could be trouble, though.

Once the man grows tired of absorbing the fireballs that Centi is throwing, he flips the staff over and channels an arrow made from dark energy. The arrow hovers a few inches off of the tip of the staff. When he sends it at Centi, it cuts through another fireball she threw at him and the arrow grows bigger.

"Wow. Dark magic can absorb the energy of other magics?" I throw Centi my shield, "That is so awesome. Could you kill me, mister? That would be a cool way to go."

"How come he can kill you, but not me?" Centi asks.

"Because he won't bring me back as his wife, and dark magic would be a cool way to go."

Centi blocks the arrow with the shield I gave her, but it leaves a puncture.

"Why'd you hurt my shield. He is one of the only ones here that doesn't want to die." I say, "Anyway, you are a sitting duck out there, why don't we work together on this one."

"I never thought marriage would be a consequence of death." Centi says, "I guess we can work together. I'd appreciate it if you'd kill me after we take him out."

"Not gonna kill you." I stand up and start walking towards the dark mage with my sword ready.

This time, the mage sends two arrows, one at each of us. Centi blocks her arrow, and I roll, making progress toward the enemy and dodging. When I finish my roll I am in striking range of the mage and I swing my sword. The mage uses his staff to block my swing, but when he does that, Centi blasts him with a fireball. The man's cloak catches fire and he drops his staff in a panic. He starts doing a funny dance and beating at the flames on his cloak.

"SUPER... BOSS-" Centi interupts me.

"You aren't going to take him down without me, are you? I am the one that hit him."

I glance at her, "Fine, but hurry."

We start back together.

"SUPER... BOSSES... TACKLE!"

In unison we tackle the flaming dark mage.

"Ow, those flames are hot," She says.

"Hah, I knew the flames would be hot, I've done this before," I say a little smugly.

"That... isn't something to be proud of, you are still burning."

"Oh. You're right."

The man struggles, but I bop him on the head with the hilt of my dagger and he goes out cold. We both stand up and dust ourselves off.

"See? Living can be exhilarating." I say.

"Meh. Kill me?"

"No."

"Aw. Tomorrow?"

"No."

"Gah, fine."

I pick up the dark staff and channel energy into it, but it doesn't do anything. I can feel my energy going into it, but there is no output. 'Maybe it has to absorb outside spell energy to work.'

"That was a good day's work," I tell Centi.

"A good day would end in me dead," She responds.

"Oh, yeah. You are right. That is the dream, isn't it?"