CHAPTER 34

At home, Charlotte followed Alice to their room while Haetel went to hers. She glanced back and caught John's eyes--- a silent goodnight of attraction and need. She kept searching for the love.

She didn't find it and quietly closed the door.

Alice had the bathroom first and then Charlotte. When she entered the bedroom, Alice was peering into Charlotte's makeup bag in her suitcase.

Charlotte noticed her phone and iPod. She hadn't used either in days. She'd once thought she couldn't live without a bud in her ear or text-messaging like crazy. Suddenly life was so different. And it wasn't bad, not at all.

"I didn't touch anything," Alice said quickly. Dolittle barked as if to reassure her that Alice hadn't.

Charlotte sat on the floor by her bag. "You can touch anything you want."

"Can I touch that?" She pointed to a tube of lipstick.

"Sure." Charlotte pulled off the cap. "It's called Very Berry Good. Isn't that cool? Here." She quickly applied the color to Alice's lips before she could pull away. When Alice didn't protest, Charlotte fluffed out her short blond hair. Then she surveyed her handiwork.

"Mmm. Look yourself in the mirror."

Alice stood and gave herself a wide-eyed look.

"What do you think?"

"I look like... a girl."

"Yes."

Suddenly in tears, Alice scrubbed at her lips and slicked down her hair. "I'm not a girl!" she cried, and ran to her bed. She curled up in a fetal position.

Charlotte rose to her feet, unsure what to do, but knowing she had to do something. This little girl was hurting.

Stepping onto her bed, Charlotte hoisted herself onto Alice's. She rested her back against the wall. Dolittle leaped up beside her, turning several times before he settled by Alice.

"Alice, you are a girl, a really attractive girl. You favour your mother."

"I'm not a girl. I can't be a girl."

Charlotte was lost. All she could do was feel her way. First she gathered Alice into her arms and held her. The thin body trembled and Charlotte prayed for the right words.

"It's just you and I in this room. Well, Do's here, but he's not talking." She stroked Alice's hair. "Tell me why you can't be a girl."

"I can't." Alice rubbed her face against Charlotte. "I can't tell anyone."

"We're friends, aren't we?"

Alice nodded. "I don't not like you anymore." Realizing that sounded weird, she added, "You know what I mean."

"Yes, I do." She kissed Alice's cheek. "Friends trust each other and tell each other everything, even if it hurts."

"Do they?"

"They sure do."

Charlotte waited, but Alice remained quiet.

"Why can't you be a girl?" she asked, holding her breath. 

"Because...because they'll take me away."

Charlotte was confused. "Who are they?" 

"I don't..."

Charlotte cupped Alice's face and made her look at her. "Who are they?"

"One time---" she hiccupped "--- Grandma's sister, Aunt Nell, her daughter and another woman, I don't remember her name, came to visit."

"And?"

"I heard them talking. They were talking about Daddy and how much he loved my mama. They said it was a shame Alice wasn't a boy 'cause then my daddy wouldn't have a problem raising me. And... and it might be best if someone took Alice and raised her. That way Daddy wouldn't be reminded of Mama. So you see---" Alice burrowed into her " I can't be a girl. They'lI take me."

Charlotte was appalled. "Alice, listen to me. You know your daddy loves you. No one would take you away from him."

Alice raised her head and Charlotte saw the doubt and insecurity of an eight-year-old child.

"Oh, you're afraid your daddy will send you away."

Alice nodded. "I remind him of Mama and---"

"No," "No," "No." Charlotte held Alice tightly. "One of the things your dad loves about you is the fact that you look like your mama. He holds that dear. No one will ever, ever take you away from him. He would die first. I've only been here a short while. but I know that without a shadow of a doubt."

Alice swung her head up. "You do?"

"Oh, yes." Charlotte dried Alice's tear-stained cheek. "I'm sorry you had to hear that, but it was simply  women talking about a topic they had no knowledge about. Sometimes women do that."

"Like talking to hear their brains rattle?"

"Mmm." Charlotte lifted an eyebrow. "A Curtis and Hardy saying?"

"Yep?"

Charlotte looked into eyes, so like John's, and felt warmth stirring inside her.

"So, babycakes, are you a girl?"

Alice face puckered. "Babycakes? Yuck. I'm not a baby."

"Sweet cheeks?"

"Double yuck."

Charlotte narrowed her eyes in thought. "So what would be a really good nickname?"

"Alice girl." A smile curved Alice's mouth and Charlotte considered it a big breakthrough.

"Okay, Alice girl," Charlotte kissed her cheek again. "It's time for bed."

Alice scrambled beneath the sheet and Charlotte slid down to her bed. Then she crossed the room and flipped off the light.

"This is our secret, right, Charlotte?"

"Right."

"On Monday Matt and I are drawing Jeremiah on the mural. Oh, yeah. 'Jeremiah was..." Alice's voice drifted away into little girl's dreams.

Charlotte struggled to fall asleep and she knew why. She had to tell John what Alice had revealed, despite the fact that it was said in private. He had to know what his daughter had been going through. She carefully slipped out of the bed and left the room.

She paused at John's closed door. Maybe it could wait until morning. No, it couldn't. Biting her lip, she opened the door and stepped inside. The room was in total darkness. It took a moment to get her bearings and then she saw John lying on his side, the sheet pulled to his waist. He was sound asleep.

Drawing a quick breath, she tiptoed to the bed and touched his shoulder. In an instant she was flat on her back in the bed beside him, being held down with a strong arm.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Trying to breathe"

He removed his arm from her chest. "What are you doing here?"

She sat up and shoved her fingers through her hair. "I wanted to talk to you. I wasn't planning on getting pinned to the bed"

Rising to a sitting position, he scooted up against the head-board. "Sorry. It's a reflex."

She turned to face him, sitting back on her heels. His chest was bare, as it had been that day she'd seen him in the bath-room. Her fingers itched to reach out and touch those rippling muscles, to feel their strength, their...

Okay, this wasn't the reason she was here. 'Get a grip, Charlotte. You've been around men before. But not one who touched all your sensory buttons by just the look in his eyes.'