13

Adeline

Why did I agree to this date again?

Tyler will be here any minute and all I want to do is pretend I'm still sick. Whatever I felt for him has completely evaporated and now it's clear: nothing is going to happen between us. But I'm not sure if he understands that, because I'm just now realizing it myself...

I really have to make it clear to him that this coffee is just coffee...

He rings the doorbell just as I'm tying my shoes around my ankles. I take a deep breath and grab a purse where I keep my phone and credit card. The goal is for him not to pay for me. Nothing sends a worse signal, and since this is going to be a complicated enough situation to manage, I might as well be clear to the end.

Be brave!

When I reach the bottom of the stairs, Cameron is talking to Tyler in the foyer. He's wearing a light blue shirt that brings out the color of his eyes, matched with jeans and a dark jacket.

He's way too well dressed for just going out for coffee "as friends"...

I stifle a nervous laugh and greet him briefly.

"You look lovely, Adeline."

"That's nice of you to say," I reply, feeling a little embarrassed. "Shall we go?"

Without giving him a chance to say anything else, I push him towards the exit, under Cameron's surprised gaze. Tyler finds my brusque behavior amusing, not mistaking it for a sudden desire to escape. I need to pick up the pace.

***

The bar, where he has made a reservation, is extremely charming, decorated with numerous lanterns that create a cozy and intimate atmosphere in the room. We sit down at the back of the room on brown leather banquettes, away from the other tables. A man plays the piano in the middle of the customers, adding to the sophistication of the place.

- It's beautiful.

I look around, both fascinated and embarrassed by the atmosphere. If I had been with my boyfriend, I would have found it very romantic, but right now I mostly feel like I am in the wrong place at the wrong time. Tyler is not my boyfriend anymore.

- Have you never been here before? I discovered this bar last year with my parents, I really liked it. I'm glad you're here.

- Me too, I added, barely audible.

Let's take it one step at a time. He seems very happy, and I don't want to seem bitchy. I promised him a coffee, let's have one.

- It might be a little late for coffee. Would you like something to eat?

- Of course, I replied sarcastically.

Forget the bitch...

- Is that a problem? he asked laughing.

He has no idea that his attempt to get closer to me makes me want to run away.

- I don't know, I replied. It doesn't really look like a place for friends to hang out.

- Don't you like the place?

- Of course I do! It's not that...

I sigh when I see the discomfort in his face. I have to relax. I'm getting defensive, even though he hasn't done anything wrong - for once. I just didn't set the boundaries I should have a long time ago. I gave him space, I never forced him to talk about the reason we broke up. I pretended it had no effect on me, when in fact it did. And now I realize that I've completely mishandled everything.

Even though he's done much worse.

- Something seems wrong.

He leans over the table and takes advantage of my awkwardness to place his hand on the back of mine. I instinctively pull it away.

- I'm fine, I snap. I just don't understand what you're playing at.

"What do you mean 'playing games'?" he repeats, looking surprised. " Adeline, I don't play games."

"Then what do you want from me?" I add more calmly. "You suggested a drink, and now you're taking me to a restaurant where probably half the couples are engaged."

He laughs at my joke.

"I thought you'd like it."

"I do like it. I just don't feel like we're here for the same reasons."

"I'm here to spend time with you, period."

"Are you sure?" I ask skeptically.

I stare straight into his eyes, convinced that he's trying to sweet-talk me and that he's got it all planned out. Pulling out all the stops to make up for his mistakes. And that's when all the emotions I've been holding in since we broke up - the frustration, sadness, and resentment at seeing him cheat on me - explode in my face like a cannonball. He doesn't have time to say anything before a server is standing in front of our table, ready to take our order.

"Can you come back in a minute?" Tyler suggests.

"No," I say. "I don't think this was a good idea."

I stand up quickly, grab my purse and jacket, and hurry to the exit. I haven't even stepped outside before Tyler catches up with me, out of breath.

" Adeline, what's going on? Did I do something wrong?"

His eyes fill with confusion.

"Are you really asking me that?" I burst out. "Tyler, you've been doing things wrong all this time. Hurting me. Humiliated me. Cheated on me. You were a jerk to me when I was in love with you. You were a friend, and in just a few months you destroyed absolutely everything we built together for a girl you met at a party."

" Adeline, I..."

"Forget it!"

I silence him with a wave of my hand and turn my back to him, starting to walk in the opposite direction of the parking lot where the car is parked. He follows me in silence as I try to release the tension that has built up in my neck. I shouldn't have come tonight. This evening is a disaster.

"I didn't know you cared so much about me," he finally admits.

He catches up with me on the sidewalk, matching my pace. His hands in his jeans pockets, he stares absentmindedly at the ground.

"Back then, I really thought you were with me because you felt... obligated," he says.

"That's ridiculous. You don't force people to go out with you."

"No, okay," he admits. "But you weren't in love with me the way I was with you."

I stop abruptly and glare at him, completely taken aback by the stupidity of what he just said.

"Let me finish," he says. "You'll have plenty of time to vent when I'm done explaining. All right? I owe you that much."

He smiles at me, then invites me to continue walking beside him. The sky is still a little bright and the air has cooled a bit.

"When I wanted to go out with you, I really liked you. I had been eyeing you for a while, and when you finally agreed to give me a chance, I was thrilled."

I smile, remembering the exact moment he kissed me behind the science building in high school. We had skipped a class and ended up there in the middle of the afternoon. He had been adorable that day.

"At that moment, you could say I was already in love with you. And the more weeks went by, the more I felt that you hadn't changed your mind about me. I was still your friend, but with added benefits."

"We were having sex, Tyler, that's a pretty big perk."

"It wasn't enough for me, okay?"

He finally stops, his arms dangling at his sides, and looks at me with regret.

"I never felt like I satisfied you. You seemed distant, cold, and I was afraid of losing my friend in the process."

"What exactly did you want?" I grit my teeth. "You could have just talked to me instead of going to other girls!"

"I couldn't!" he explodes. "You were always with Holly or Esther or Cameron. I couldn't say anything without him defending you, and it got to me. You didn't even try to win me back. Even after you saw me kissing that girl."

I sigh and tilt my head back, tears welling up in my eyes at the painful memories he's bringing back.

"I didn't realize it hurt you so much. I acted out of desperation. I wanted to get a reaction from you."

"It just made me run away," I say.

"I know."

Silence fills the deserted sidewalk. A few shop windows are still lit, but there's not a soul in sight. Only the passing cars break the apparent silence around us.

"You should have talked to me," I add, my voice cracking.

"I'm sorry."

"I didn't realize I was being so distant. I thought you wanted space, didn't want to be tied to me, so I acted the best way I knew how."

He sighs, too.

"We really screwed things up," he says with a smile.

"I think this is the first time we've ever had such a long conversation," I joke, trying to lighten the still tense atmosphere.

Our complicit smiles begin to ease the tension.

"Can we at least stay friends?" he asks, a little embarrassed.

I giggle and shake my head at his embarrassed expression. All the tension that had been building up inside me disappears, as if it had been waiting for this moment. It all comes out - my resentment, regret, and remorse - and the Tyler before me is no longer the boy who broke my heart a few months ago.

"You've never stopped being a friend."

"You're getting sentimental," he teases.

He puts an arm around my shoulders and nudges me to keep walking.

"The car is behind us."

"I want ice cream!"

"Ice cream?"

"Yes. You deprived us of a delicious meal, so I'm trying to make it up to you."

I'm about to apologize for my earlier behavior in the restaurant, but he cuts me off with a burst of laughter. Obviously, he doesn't hold it against me.

We remain friends.