32

Adeline

Mia sets the freshly cooked meal on the table, and the pleasant aroma of roasted potatoes tickles my nostrils. We all sit around the table, enjoying our first meal since returning from Seattle earlier that evening. It has been the hardest trip I have ever had to endure. Even though the boys did most of the driving, being in the same car as Jayden after our... moment of weakness in the fraternity bathroom was torture. Every little thing reminded me of what we had done. The way he ran his hand through his hair, like I had the night before, while he devoured my neck. His throat clearing, which reminded me of his moans of pleasure when I touched his penis. And his voice...hoarse and breathless, whispering that he wanted me until I was consumed from the inside out.

It was an ordeal.

I endured an ordeal. But considering how easily he behaved, chatting with Cameron and the girls without a problem, I'm sure I was the only one troubled by my memories. As if I had completely invented that hidden, forbidden moment. He felt no discomfort. No embarrassment. While I was mortified at the thought of going home and looking his mother in the eye. Mia. My father's partner. My stepmother.

Sitting across from her at the table, I struggle to focus on my plate as the conversation inevitably turns to our trip.

"Adeline?"

I jump at the sound of my father's voice, lifting my head from my potatoes to look at him. He smiles at me, further fueling my guilt for keeping something so serious from him. I involuntarily glance at Jayden, who is also looking at me. My heart tightens and I turn back to my father, my gaze fleeting.

I'm going to have to do better than that if I'm going to keep it... hidden.

"I was somewhere else. What did you say?" I ask him.

My father laughs.

"I see, you've been daydreaming for a while now. Are you dreaming about your new apartment?"

I smile and try to look good, although the apartment is the least of my worries right now.

"Wait a minute, I must have taken some pictures," Cameron says as he hands his phone to my dad, scrolling through some snapshots he took during the lease signing. My father is overjoyed, admiring every square inch of the living space before handing the phone to Mia.

"You must be thrilled to have found a place so quickly, my daughter. The year is off to a good start," she says.

"Yes," I finally manage to say, controlling the tremor in my voice. "I can't wait to move in with Holly and Esther."

"I have a feeling Seattle is going to get a little too much out of this," my stepmother jokes. "Luckily, we'll have a spy to keep an eye on things."

She puts her hand on her eldest son's, who sits next to her, not showing the slightest hint of a smile.

"Don't count on me to babysit," he grumbles.

"As if putting up with us for a few days was a burden," Cameron retorts playfully.

"I'm proud of all of you," Mia continues, filling in for Jayden. "Henri and I are proud of you for going together. Right, honey?"

"Absolutely," my father confirms enthusiastically. "Our kids are finally spreading their wings. That's what family is all about, being there for each other at important times in life, and going to college is one of them. Not everyone gets to share that with their siblings."

I drop my fork, which bounces loudly against the kitchen tile.

Kids.

Family.

Brother and sister.

I lean down to hastily retrieve my utensil, aware that all eyes are on me after my clumsiness.

"I think I'm a little tired from the drive and not very hungry," I lie.

"We saw that, dear, you barely touched your plate," Cameron says.

"I was snacking in the car," I lie again, but I don't want anyone to know except the girls who witnessed my repeated refusals of their gummy bears. So, without saying a word or making eye contact with anyone, I ask permission to leave the table and go to bed.

When I reach my room, I collapse on my bed like a dead weight, my heart heavy.

"Adeline, are you okay?" Cameron asks, standing in the doorway and looking at me with a worried expression.

"Of course," I say, feigning good humor as I finally kick off my shoes.

"You haven't spoken since yesterday and I'm starting to think you left your tongue at the Epsilons," he teases, coming to sit on the chair by my desk. "Did you enjoy the evening at least?"

Every second.

"Yeah, it was great," I answer nonchalantly. "Makes me want to be there!"

"It went by so fast. I feel like I just started high school last month and now we'll be in Seattle soon."

"Do you regret going so far?"

"No. We have all fallen in love with this college. It's just going to be weird not being here anymore. With the parents and Astrid."

"Yeah," I sigh. "But sometimes it's good to get a change of scenery."

He stands up as I start to unpack, needing nothing more than to think about our parents here, our family that I came so close to destroying by sleeping with Jayden.

"Do you want to watch a movie tonight?" he asks at the door.

"No, I really think I'm going to sleep," I answer.

He just nods, not offended by my refusal, and disappears down the hall. I continue to sort through my things, trying to erase this trip to Seattle from my memory.

Carrying my dirty laundry, I go to the bathroom to drop it off and brush my teeth. With my mouth full of toothpaste, I almost choke as a figure enters the room. I can't ignore the memory of it as my cheeks burn. Jayden, on the other hand, remains stoic as he positions himself next to me. He picks up his toothbrush and turns to me before even putting it in his mouth.

"Stop it!"

"What?" I ask after spitting, surprised. He's really close. Too close.

"Stop torturing yourself."

"I'm not tor..."

"It's written all over your face that something's wrong," he interrupts.

"You're lecturing me?" I growl.

"I'm warning you."

"Spare me your forced generosity," I reply sarcastically. "Sorry, but being insensitive and cold is something only you can do!"

He backs away, staring at me with his dark gaze.

"Act like an adult. Don't make me regret what happened between us anymore. I'm already ashamed enough."

His uppercut is violent.

I push him angrily, sending him hissing into the sink next to him,

"Screw you, Jayden."

Then I run to my room, frustrated, sad, but mostly ashamed.

***

It has been over fifteen days since we returned from Seattle and August is well underway. It is scorching hot in Tyler's backyard, and dozens of people have gone swimming in the ocean, walking around in their underwear in the middle of the evening. I watch them from a distance, my glass of soda in hand, sitting on the grass next to the girls who are chatting among themselves. No alcohol for me tonight. At least not here. Even though I know that Tyler has made it a point to prohibit all illicit substances, I cannot drink, knowing that I was a wreck in this very place just a few weeks ago.

"I think I'm going to head out," I say.

"What, already?" Holly is surprised. "But I thought you were staying with me tonight?"

"I'm tired. I confess, I can't get into it."

Today, like yesterday and like tomorrow, I can't pretend that everything is all right when I'm living with my weakness. My disorder. My deviation. While he is in the room above mine every night and I imagine him lying there just a few feet away from me. I feel like I can still feel him, hear him breathing against my ear, moaning. It drives me crazy. Especially when I know that he doesn't care about what happened. He is still as silent, unapproachable and icy as ever. The Seattle parenthesis where he paid attention to me is gone. Gone. He is ashamed. He regrets it, not because I'm his half-sister, but because I am, plain and simple, so he does what he does best: act indifferent. He's erased the incident from his mind, just like one forgets a bad memory. Only I'm not able to do that. Incapable of talking about it with my friends. Not able to look my father in the eye and lie to Mia. Incapable of forgetting him because I want to. Once again.

"Don't you want a drink?" Esther asks. "A beer? It can be refreshing."

"No, really, I'm fine, I swear," I say and stand up.

I brush off the blades of grass that have stuck to the back of my shorts and take my cell phone out of my pocket. It's 11:30 p.m. Dad and Mia must be asleep by now. I sigh. I was supposed to spend the night at Holly's, so she came to pick me up, and Cameron went with Garret to help Tyler get ready for the party.

"How are you getting home?" Holly asks as if she can read my mind.

"On foot."

"Stop it, it'll take you at least twenty-five minutes!"

"I can drop you off. I've only had two drinks," Esther suggests. "Can I borrow your car keys?"

"That's fine, girls," I reply as Holly gets up. "It's nice out, I'm wearing sneakers, I'll walk."

"Are you sure? I can get my keys from the front door."

"Positive. Will you let Cameron know I'm leaving?"

After giving everyone a quick kiss, I chat with a few more people on my way out and finally leave with a determined stride. Since my cell phone battery is running low, I decide to walk under the stars without music to conserve as much battery as possible. Alone, in the middle of the night. I turn my head when I hear a crack and see a cat running across the road. I sigh and continue on through the quiet streets. I shouldn't have gone out at all tonight. I should be in bed watching a peaceful series. But instead, I let the girls drag me to a party I didn't even want to go to.

And here I am.

I jump as a car engine purrs behind me. The headlights illuminate the sidewalk where I am, and when I hear the vehicle slowing down, I quicken my pace.

Please let it pass me. Please let it pass me.

A sudden acceleration, and I see the car pass me and park on the side of the road with screeching tires.

It's Jayden's jeep.