Episode 13: “Road to Rambling Pines”

--- INTERVIEW – JOEY DUNPHY ---

[Joey stands proudly in front of a sleek, retro-modern RV adorned with a sprawling mural of mountains and pine trees. His friends gawk behind him.]

JOEY: The client wanted "rustic charm meets Tesla." [Pats the RV] Mission accomplished.

DUNPHY DRIVEWAY – MORNING

The family preps for their annual trek to Rambling Pines Family Camp. Phil duct-tapes a kayak to the roof of the minivan while Claire frantically checks lists.

CLAIRE: Tents? Check. Bug spray? Check. Valium? Double check.

PHIL (grinning): This year's theme is "Phil's Wilderness Wonderland!" [Holds up a neon sign] Motion-activated raccoon noises!

HALEY (groaning): Why can't we just glamp like normal people?

JOEY (pulling up in the RV): We are. Or at least I am. (smug)

[CUT TO INTERVIEW – PHIL DUNPHY]

PHIL: Joey's RV looks like a spaceship designed by a hipster Space Engineer. [Pauses] …I'm weirdly jealous.

INSIDE JOEY'S RV – LATER

Joey gives his friends a tour. The RV's interior is a minimalist marvel with cedar accents, hidden compartments, and glowing touchscreens.

JOEY: This isn't an RV. It's a Roaming Visualizer. [Taps a panel] Voice-activated AI, solar-powered, self-cleaning bathroom…

LILA (typing on a holographic keyboard): The Wi-Fi's faster than my house.

ZOE (sprawling on a couch): This couch massages?! [Purrs] Take me to Timbuktu, Joey.

MATT (peeking into the fridge): Dude, it's got a smoothie bar.

TRAVIS (playing with a drone): Does it come with a pilot's license?

ETHAN (deadpan): Congrats. You've gentrified nature.

[The RV's AI, "PINE-E," chirps.]

PINE-E: "Destination: Rambling Pines Campground. Estimated arrival: 3 hours, 14 minutes. Would you like to queue up a playlist titled 'Joey's Chill Vibes (No Lyrics)'?"

JOEY: Skip to track 4.

--- INTERVIEW – LILA CARTER ---

LILA: Joey's playlist is just rain sounds and the hum of a dishwasher. [Pauses] …It's weirdly calming.

HIGHWAY 78 – AFTERNOON

The Dunphy-Pritchett-Delgado caravan trails behind the RV. Jay drives Gloria's SUV, white-knuckled. Mitchell and Cam argue over GPS vs. "spiritual navigation."

GLORIA (yelling): Jay, the sign said 'Exit 44B'! You missed it!

JAY: I've driven this route since the '80s! Back when GPS stood for "Gloria's Poor Sense of direction!"

MANNY (reading poetry): "O asphalt river, carry us forth… Ughh... Jay, Don't be mad but I need to pee."

[In the Dunphy minivan, Phil plays raccoon noises through a Bluetooth speaker. Claire pops a Valium.]

CLAIRE (to Alex): Remind me why we do this.

ALEX: Because "family bonding" is code for "shared trauma."

HALEY (faceTiming Dylan): Babe, if I die in the woods, avenge me.

--- INTERVIEW – CAMERON TUCKER ---

CAM: Mitchell's idea of "roughing it" is a hotel without room service. [Pauses] We're doomed.

RV LIVING ROOM – EN ROUTE

The friends lounge as Joey demonstrates the RV's quirks.

JOEY (pointing to the ceiling): Starry night projector. [Flicks a switch] And this? [A wall folds into a mini-art studio] For sudden inspiration.

ZOE (spray-painting a throw pillow): Can I live here forever?

LILA (organizing the pantry): Magnetic spice jars. [Swoons] It's… beautiful.

TRAVIS (flying the drone out the window): I'm filming Phil's kayak! [Giggles] It's wobbling like a drunk flamingo!

ETHAN (mock-serious): You've ruined camping for humanity. Well done.

[PINE-E interrupts.]

PINE-E: "Alert: Excessive giggling detected. Activating 'Zen Mode.'"

[The lights dim, lavender mist sprays, and Zoe's ukulele cover of "Born to Be Wild" plays softly.]

--- INTERVIEW – MATT LEDFORD ---

MATT: Best. Road trip. Ever. Sorry, Phil.

The RV rolls into Rambling Pines Campground, pristine and serene. The family's cars arrive behind it, disheveled and covered in snack wrappers.

JOEY (stepping out): Welcome to the future.

PHIL (emerging from the minivan, raccoon ears askew): …Can I borrow the massage couch?

[Post-credits: Buddy pilots the drone into a tree. Text overlay: "Pilot Error 🐾"]