CHAPTER 4

Ronin jabbed me in the side and hissed, "Ask why. I already did this quest, so they won't give it to me."

Of course, you did. I imagine this isn't your first time here either…

"Where's the noise coming from, ma'am?" I joined the conversation. "Who won't let you sleep?"

"It's those lake goblins," the old lady threw her hands in the air. "Who knows where those cursed beasts came from, but now they live in my little lake. Every night, they're off rabble-rousing so loudly that I can't go to sleep. They tap on the windows, they make faces, one even climbed up onto the roof recently and ran around up there until the rest joined him. And then they dragged some old trough up and slid down it screaming, 'It's a bobsled, baby, yeah!' What's a bobsled? Probably some kind of goblin curse. It's awful. I barely have any shingles left on the roof!"

The old lady began to weep silently, wiping away her tears with a snow-white handkerchief she pulled out of her sleeve.

"Okay, Auntie Doris, what if we go scare those goblin monsters so badly they never again come anywhere near your house?" I suggested.

Oh, you dears, please do help," the sweet old lady looked at me hopefully. "I don't know how I could thank you, though. I don't have anything to give!"

Don't worry about it," I smiled. "We're pioneers out to help people, so we don't ask for anything in return."

You have a new quest offer: Rein in some Hooligans.

Task: Kill 10 lake goblins, so the rest leave the lake near Auntie Doris' house.

Reward:

200 experience

3 pieces of cheesecake from Auntie Doris

3 apples from Auntie Doris' orchard

Accept?

Once everyone had gotten the quest, we once again assured the old lady that the goblins were about to meet their maker and left.

"There are other quests here, but they suck," observed Ronin. "Go here, go there. Deliver a letter, fill a barrel of water, make a spit handle. Nothing you need a club for, and certainly nothing that will get a good shot of adrenaline running through your veins. Beating up goblins, though—much better. Experience and some fun at the same time!"

"And the loot isn't bad," I said, taking his thought to its logical conclusion.

By the time we finished chatting, we had gotten to the edge of the lake infested with antsy goblins. A few other players scurried around the shore waving weapons.

"Listen up!" Ronin waved his stubby shovel of a hand.

"This is the lake with the goblins. We'll lure them over here one by one and take them down together."

"Why one by one?" asked Max. "Why don't we just get a group up here and be done with it?"

"That won't work," Ronin disagreed. "They only come up out of the lake one at a time, first of all, and once they do, they're a lot for you to handle. You're still just Level 1, and they're Level 3. We have to gang up on them, so we'll need a kill queue."

"Well, isn't that a nice way of putting it," I said to myself. "A kill queue. That would be a great title for a detective story."

"Hey, guys!" yelled Ronin to the other players who, like us, were anxious to kill some of the watery interlopers. "Who's last in line for the goblins?"

"I am," answered an elf with the proud and hard-to-pronounce name of Euardenalil. "Wait, the five of you are all going to kill just one of them?"

"Yup," answered Ronin. "Though not just one. There are five of us, and we want to take out five of the goblins one by one. Fair's fair. Then we'll get back in line to complete the rest of the challenge.

"Ha! Fair!" a dwarf named Forin was outraged. He had arrived after us looking for goblin blood. "And how long do the rest of us have to wait while you five have your fun?"

"No longer than it will take you to kill one of them, Ronin said. "We're sitting here yammering on and on, and that moron over there still isn't done."

The whole time we'd been talking, a human named Zubiloff had been trying unsuccessfully to finish off one of Auntie Doris' whiskered and toothy antagonists. Zubiloff wielded a knotty stick that he used to occasionally run up to the goblin and take off some of his hit points. The goblin, in turn, spun like a whirligig, grimaced, and tried to sink his needle sharp teeth into Zubiloff. A couple times, he landed a bite.

"Anyone want to bet on the winner?" grunted Max.

Ronin looked at him thoughtfully, coins glinting in his eyes.

Our enterprising dwarf seemed to have taken what I thought was Max's joke seriously. Max was equally thoughtful as he watched the ongoing battle, explaining that there were three types of goblins: lake, forest, and mountain.

Lake goblins posed the least danger to players. They were the least aggressive, so they'd stick to harmless tricks like throwing dirt at you and spitting on your back as long as you left them alone. They ate leaves, snails, and anything else found in a lake, and they only lived in settled bodies of water. Shiny things were irresistible to them, and that's exactly how we planned to lure them over to where we were.

Forest goblins were different. They were much more dangerous and evil, especially in groups, and they were even insatiable cannibals. Humans and dwarves taste equally good to them. Some people said they'd eat anything they could get their hands on—even rocks. They lived in the woods, and you could find them everywhere in Elysium.

Mountain goblins were the rarest and smartest of all.

They preferred to stay away from humans, though they loved sending avalanches of rocks or snow down on anyone they saw walking anywhere near a slope.

"How do you know so much?" I asked Max with respect in my voice.

"I read through a lot of forums before I joined the game," was his dignified reply. "You need to understand the game if you want to get anywhere."

Just then, Zubiloff made one last valiant lunge, hacked at the goblin, and landed a fatal blow. The goblin squealed, twitched a few times, and gave up the ghost. His body splayed over the grass.

"Let's go, ear boy, cast away." Ronin pointed Euarde-nalil toward a fishing pole lying on the shore. A large coin was tied to it. "Come on, you're holding up the line."

"And next it's your turn," said Ronin, glancing at us. "Remember that we're not using the last strike rule, so experience is distributed evenly between us no matter who gets the kill. I'll rile up the goblins, so they only attack me. I have a higher level and more combat experience, so the rest of you need to wait for me and then jump in with everything you've got. With five clubs, we'll crack them like nuts. And remember, I get the loot we collect from them.

A message popped up:

The group leader set a new loot distribution rule: Only the group leader.

Five minutes later, it was our turn to dirty the lake with goblin blood. Ronin picked up the fishing pole and cast the lure. At first, nothing more than a few bubbles came to the surface, though they were soon followed by a small whirlpool. A slimy goblin head surfaced, half ears and all wrinkles. His eyes roamed the shore looking for the coin he'd spotted underwater.

Ronin grabbed the coin and waved it around to attract the goblin's attention.

"Give it here! Mine!" squawked the goblin, leaping in the direction of the dwarf.

Our leader nodded his head and, once the goblin was close enough, landed a blow with his club.

"Ooph!" the goblin howled, trying to sink his teeth into the dwarf's shoulder.

Four more clubs rained down on him from all sides.

The goblin's health bar quickly turned red, and a few seconds later, he whined his life away.

"One down," noted Ronin. "Back to work, gentlemen."

The coin flashed off and sank beneath the water.

And so we took a few turns, waiting in line each time. But the third was almost immediately followed by an announcement:

You unlocked Level 2!

Points ready to be distributed: 5

Judging by the satisfied faces of my compatriots, they also had levelled-up. Ronin took one look at our faces and shouted, "We're not done yet! There's a goblin coming out of the water!" So we fought on.

About three hours later, we'd levelled-up one more time, at which point Ronin announced, "All right, let's be done. They don't give us too much experience, and you're already a few levels in. We could stay here forever, but let's go finish the quest, and we'll do some moose hunting."

We headed for the house, where Auntie Doris stood on the porch. She looked at us with her hand on her head.

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