Fig

Touya fucks up sometimes, he'll admit. 

He fucks up sometimes, but it's always been fixable damage. It's reversible. It's okay.

Other times when he's fucked up he couldn't change it but it's never that bad. It's a small fuck up. He's only human; humans make mistakes.

Some things he does other people would consider a fuck up, but that he thinks is completely fine. He doesn't need to fix that problem because to him it's not a problem.

This is not one of those times.

This is more on par with the 'I got somebody pregnant and they didn't tell me until it was too late to get an abortion' level of fuck up. This is probably a bad analogy, but he's freaking out right now and this about sums it up.

Hell, even when he'd accidentally burned down the entirety of Sekoto Peak, it wasn't as big as this. Trees grow back, animals reproduce and repopulate, and it will recover. 

He's not sure if this is something that will recover. 

Oh, man, he's going to jail, isn't he? Tartarus, maybe? He tries to recall other prisons he's heard about before. Nanba, Azkaban, Impel Down, Crown Hill, Shawshank, Nova Prospekt, Toluca… any one of them, really. 

Prison is the only option he's willing to accept. The other option would be to kill Katsuki- and then himself out of guilt, and that would get so messy… he can't kill Katsuki. He wouldn't be able to, it's inconceivable. And there's no way Katsuki would accept his feelings. How could he? Katsuki is so pure and Touya… Touya killed his friends. He lied to him and he traumatized him. Katsuki wasn't supposed to find out. What happened to pulling the strings from behind the scenes? Fuck.

When Touya slammed open the door to the room he saw the blonde run into, his eyes anxiously scanned every centimeter until they clocked him by his teacher's desk. Katsuki was squatted below the vase of lilies, one hand pressed against the sleek mahogany backing of the desk and the other to the floor. He was hyperventilating and fat tears were rolling down his face onto the back of his hand. He felt his heart break at the scene. He did that, he put that look on his love's face, he hurt him.

As he stepped forward to the blonde, who eyed him warily through his peripherals but didn't move, he looked at the vase of lilies. 

"Katsuki, I- fuck, I didn't mean for it to go this far-" Touya couldn't meet the red eyes, shining with tears like rubies. 

He inhaled shakily, standing with a hand clenched in his shirt, over his heart, but he stayed quiet anyway.

Touya keeps talking, "You don't have to keep looking at me. I know it's probably hard- you're not scared, probably. You wouldn't need to be, you know I can't hurt you- I… you probably want to hit me, don't you? Cuss me out… you can, I get it. I don't mind," He looked down at the floor, and at his white t-shirt stained in blood.

Katsuki turned his gaze to the wall, "The flowers," is all he says, taking another breath, "First it was tulips, now white lilies-" He looked back. His gaze didn't seem angry. It was usually so angry, but right now… all Touya could detect was sadness.

The tattooed man studied his student's features, how he was carrying himself, where the muscles in his face pinched with emotion or deep thought, "The tulips… it was a toast, I guess. Those kids loved each other. Thought I'd honor that… and my own love for you." Touya finally looked at Katsuki, just in time to see and hear as his breath hitched, how he froze up and closed his eyes for a moment.

He didn't reopen his eyes, but his posture slowly relaxed.

"And the lilies? Honestly, it was an impulse buy," He walked past Katsuki, with his back turned to him, over to the vase of lilies. He hovered his free hand over them, not touching or grabbing, not willing to taint the white purity with blood, "D'ya know white lilies are both funeral and wedding flowers? I thought it was ironic… then I remembered lilies don't bloom this time of year."

"The florist said they were a special hybrid, that it's the only reason she could sell them this late in October. And so I thought… I'm not supposed to love you, I know, but I do. These flowers aren't supposed to be in bloom, I also know, but they are," He huffed a self-deprecating laugh, "I'm rambling, aren't I?" 

Wordlessly, he plucked one of the lilies from the vase, approaching Katsuki. The blonde's eyes flicked to the bloody knife in Touya's hand, and he tightened and loosened his grip on the handle in repetition self-consciously. He handed the flower, now with faint spots of blood on it, to Katsuki. He reached out to the flower, hand flinching back at the barest of touches before he pulled it back entirely, wrapping his arms around himself and looking down.

"Why?" Katsuki mumbles, "Why do you love me? How can you even tell?"

Touya shrugged, "I dunno. I'm pretty fucked up, mentally, so I'm not sure I even feel what love actually is. But to me, this comes pretty close. It's my own twisted version, maybe, but love nonetheless. And… I know because it's directed at every little thing you do. The facial expressions you make when studying, or listening to somebody talk, or… trying not to laugh. The faint quirk of your lips when you don't want to admit something is funny, the pinch in your brows when you're deep in thought."

"It came to me when I first saw you. I thought, man, he's pretty, and I figured that would be it, until… you spoke. Every behavior, every mannerism I noticed, all of it endeared me to you. From how you use your words to the things we have in common, it's so damn attractive," He chuckled to himself, "That's pretty messed up, isn't it? I'm supposed to be your teacher, and on the first day I fell for a student, and on the second I killed two- well, no, one- student. It's my job to protect you, and man, I failed at that badly."

He steeled himself, looking down at the flower that he still held out for Katsuki, "But it's true. I love you, and… I understand if you don't feel the same."

There was a silence that permeated the room, only Katsuki's breathing could be heard.

Katsuki's thoughts were racing. My parents were right, he truly does love me. What am I supposed to say? Find out. Ask questions. He said he won't hurt me, right? Yeah, but how can I really trust the word of a serial killer? He wouldn't lie to me. But he's been lying to me.

It all made his head hurt. He scrutinized the man before him. The way he held himself screamed of anxiety. He just poured himself out to him with terrifying sincerity and now he's waiting to be stabbed through the heart (although not literally).

He didn't let his gaze linger on the bloody knife or his blood-stained white shirt. He did, however, study the tattoos lining every inch of his skin. They weren't all mandalas, Katsuki realized, only the ones around his face were. Had he really only ever been looking at his face? Fuck, that's embarrassing.

There were spiderwebs, butterflies, music notes, flowers- the line of the horizon amongst a city. Odd patterns, eyes, and a faded Ouroboros circling around the number 7. What does 7 mean? Above that was 666- not as hard to discern. By his wrist- in the hand holding the knife. Oh, God, don't look at the knife- read 'The Past Never Dies' and by the other, there was a cow being abducted by a flying saucer's tractor beam. There was so much life and personality to be seen in the ink on his skin- how had he not noticed? Well, there was a lot he didn't notice, it seemed.

"Dabi-Sensei-" He began.

"Touya," His teacher corrected, voice awfully hoarse despite how he wasn't the one who was crying earlier, "Please, call me Touya." 

"... Touya. The rest of my friends… will they die? Will any more of my friends die? Will you kill them?" Katsuki did his best to control his breathing, but he could feel his grip slipping.

The man before him shook his head in silent deniance, still not meeting his gaze, "... No. No matter what, I will not kill anybody else. Not unless you ask me to."

He mulled that over in his head, "What will you do if I reject you?" Please, let nobody else be hurt. Not even you.

Touya shrunk in on himself, as if to him that was confirmation of something inevitable, but answered anyway, "I'll turn myself into the police. I know I'll probably be hung for my crimes, but… it's what you would want, right?"

No, no, no. I didn't want any of this- why couldn't this be peaceful? Why couldn't I have fallen in love normally? 

Katsuki didn't answer the question, instead delegating to ask another, "And the blood stain on the hoodie?"

That's when he looks up, into his eyes with those gorgeous Caribbean blues, "... It's not pig's blood."

And that's all he needs to say, isn't it? That's all Katsuki needs to know to figure out that it's his friend's blood. Based on the timing? Eijiro's blood. God, he's been running his thumb over Eijiro's bloodstain every day.

Touya doesn't maintain eye contact long enough, looking down again, "I-... I'll go, I can understand a rejection for what it is. You don't need to say anything."

And fuck, he sounded so dejected. As he was turning to leave, Katsuki grabbed his wrist, "Wait!"

He turned, startled by the blonde's objection. Hell, even he was startled by what came out of his own mouth. Even more so by what he said next.

"I do love you."

Touya's eyes widened imperceptibly, mouth gaping like a fish out of water. He looked like he was about to say something, argue with Katsuki, question him. He didn't let him, though. Katsuki used the other man's surprise and the grip he had on Touya's wrist to pull him forward, fisting another hand in his shirt- don't look at the blood, don't think about the blood, it's not there- to pull him down for a languid kiss. 

He froze momentarily, the knife slipping out of his hand and clattering on the floor. When he started kissing back, he used his now free hand to weave his fingers through Katsuki's hair, lightly tugging the blonde strands. 

Katsuki's never kissed anybody before, but he'd like to think that he'd get it right the first time. He let go of Touya's wrist, favoring putting his hand behind his neck to pull him closer even though he knew there wasn't any closer they could get. Why am I doing this? What is wrong with me?!

They parted only to gasp for air, instantly pulling back together, lips moving against each other with a passion words could not describe, saying a thousand things yet nothing at all at the same time. Conveying a medley of emotions they couldn't begin to decipher and at the same time didn't want to.

Actions spoke louder than words, didn't they? Katsuki hoped this was the adequate response to what Touya had been silently screaming at him this whole school year. After all, all's fair in love and war.

When they broke apart for good this time, they still held their faces close enough that their breath mingled with one another's, and their gazes were practically connected. Touya's eyes sparkled with lots of different things, but Katsuki would like to imagine the one he saw the most was adoration. He wondered what his own looked like.

He leaned his head down to press his forehead into Touya's chest, letting go of his shirt but one hand still gently pressed behind his neck. Don't look at the blood, don't think about the blood, it's not there. He closed his eyes, using this moment of silence to allow his thoughts to catch up to him.

There was one sentence playing on repeat.

He killed my friends, he killed my friends, he killed my friends, he killed my friends, he killed my friends, he killed my friends, he killed my friends, he killed my friends, he killed my friends.

He killed my friends, but I love him.

At least he thinks he loves him. He can't think of any other emotion as painfully confusing as this that isn't the textbook definition of love. He's not scared. Even when he was running for his life, he wasn't scared of the risks. Touya makes him feel content. And calm. Whenever he's been at his lowest points, Touya was a sturdy rock for him to get his bearings with. He's never once been belittled or scolded for the explosive aspects of his personality or his behavior- even the things his parents struggle to handle. They aren't flaws in his eyes.

And he's choosing him, in this moment he is choosing him. Over his friends, he killed my friends, over his safety, over his parents, over all of it. He chose his comfort and his words of advice over it all. A love like this? A love that breaks the laws of the psyche and the world? There's no going back on that, it lasts. Together they overcame life's hurdles, the ones that sow fear; he killed my friends; and the ones of self-doubt; he killed my friends. He needs him- does he?- and he wants him.

Katsuki pulled Touya down for another chaste kiss, favoring being held close over his brain's chastisement.

Love tasted less bitter than he thought it would, though any sweetness there is rather too faint to be sure. It's almost like honey, overwhelming in the burn.

Maybe it was just his imagination. Like the smell of smoke and the blaring red sirens that have been following him around. Was that his imagination? 

All he had to do was ignore it and it would go away. He'd been trying to do that this whole time, though.

The only thing he needs to think about right now is that he knows what love tastes like.

It's fruiter than he'd imagined.