Drowning With Every Breath

Hope had never seen Newt as wild as he was now. In other normal circumstances, she might find this new side to him attractive, but it was difficult to do that when she felt numb inside.

Albus and Newt had retrieved Hope from the dungeon at first light. They'd found her exhaustedly crying, still attached to the wall that had held her in place during the assault.

Hope had never in her life felt more violated. At least when Henry touched her, she could see him. She could put her arms protectively over her vulnerability, but last night she hadn't been given the luxury. Hope had been utterly helpless while those hands felt and groped her body like it was theirs.

Luke, it turns out, someone had slipped him something that made him pass out. The look in Albus' eyes when he confronted him for not watching his post, had sent Luke into rolling tears. Begging for understanding. Adamant that he never remembered anything past drinking from his goblet.

From what Albus found in his drink, his claim was the truth. Luke had been drugged, leaving Hope defenseless to the attacker who snuck through unseen.

Hope was sitting in the chair close to the fire, watching its flames as Newt paced back and forth on the carpet.

"Right under our nose, Albus! This would never have happened if Fawley hadn't been so easily duped. It's Thomas, isn't it? He was never kind in classes, either. He wanted this to happen."

Albus watched Newt with a careful gaze. "We cannot go pointing fingers, Newt. We need more evidence, and you…" he moved closer, lowering his voice. "Need to calm yourself." He glanced over at Hope, who sat curled in on herself. "She needs our strength, not our panic."

Newt swallowed hard, looking over at Hope, who met his eyes finally.

Kneeling down in front of her, his eyes swam with regret. "Last night, you were supposed to feel loved and beautiful-"

"You make me feel loved and beautiful every day," Hope murmured, "I don't know who or what did it, but it happened. I'm just thankful it stopped when it did." Grinding her teeth, she pursed her lips. "It stopped as soon as I let my wolf side out. The eyes, the fangs. I like to think I scared the shit out of it."

It was a nice thought, though not enough to make her smile.

"And you saw nothing?" Albus asked with a frown, sitting in the chair opposite her.

Hope shook her head. "I saw the door open, but there was nothing there. I didn't even hear breathing or footsteps. Not even a heartbeat. How is that possible? I didn't think ghosts manifested themselves like that. I thought they were all like the ones around here."

Nodding slowly, Albus gave a slight shrug. "It depends on different lore. As your wolf kind differs from what we know, and in addition to that, other types of entities might be similar to ours, but not the same."

"Am I haunted?"

Newt and Albus exchanged a look before looking at her. "We don't know."

Frowning, Hope thought back to the night she'd encountered the Boggart. "When I met the Boggart, and it brought back memories, do you think my memories are somehow haunted?" She looked at them. "I mean, wanted does haunting mean anyway? What if all of this that's happening is something that was caused by what the Boggart opened in my mind that day? Like, a bad memory that's gotten infected?"

Albus combed his fingers through his speckled beard and nodded slowly. "It's always a possibility."

Hope rested her chin in her palm. "Maybe I should see a Priest."

Newt rested his hand on her knee, and Hope surprised herself by quickly pulling herself away. A snarl ripped up her throat.

Her heart dropped as her eyes widened, putting a hand to her mouth as she stared at Newt's shocked expression. Not angry, just surprised.

"I'm so sorry…" She started, voice quivering.

"No, don't be," Newt quickly shook his head, "I shouldn't have assumed you'd be okay with a touch right now. Hey," he ducked his head to match hers, as it quickly went down- reddening with shame, so he could still see her eyes, "you have nothing to apologize for, Hope. It is okay to need space."

Hope swallowed hard and pressed her hands against her face, trying to calm her breathing as she felt it becoming more labored. She was diving into a panic attack, and her mind couldn't ground itself in time before she started hyperventilating.

Without touching her, Newt held his hand out to her. "Hope, focus on my voice. You are safe." Albus kept still, not daring to make things worse by making her feel crowded.

Newt continued, "If you need to, you can squeeze my hand. I won't move."

Hope hesitated, trying to collect her thoughts that tumbled randomly. She took his hand then and squeezed. Letting out a slow breath. She wasn't sure if his touch had started the feeling of doom in her chest or if it was the guilt from her own reaction.

She didn't want to be scared. Not of them.

It daggered her to think she'd had such a reaction to the touch she'd basked in only yesterday.

"Hope, deep breath. In through your mouth. Out through your nose."

Newt's voice was so calm she could think a little clearer, and when her red eyes focused on his, she watched him smile gently for her benefit.

"Good. It's alright. You're safe here."

Hope's breath shuddered as she spoke. "I don't want to be afraid. I should be stronger than that. I shouldn't…" The squeeze started to return, but Newt squeezed her hand in response, helping to ground her.

"You are strong. Having a moment for your emotions does not make you weak; it makes you human. You've gone through so much in the past half year, Hope. More than most experiences in a lifetime. It's okay to be overwhelmed."

His thumb stayed still on the back of her hand, only adding pressure. Not the sensation of stroking back and forth.

"Hope?" Newt asked gently, waiting until her eyes met his. "You know this isn't your fault, don't you?"

More tears spilled down her cheeks, and she quickly wiped them away.

"It is not your fault," Newt said, voice firm.

Hope took a deep breath and slowly nodded, taking the hot cup of tea Albus finally offered. "I just feel like I'm…constantly on this emotional high. I don't want to sit here and cry. I feel the anger- it's right there at the surface, but the sadness…the fear," she took another slow breath.

Taking a small sip of tea, she let it warm her numb core.

"It's like I'm drowning with every breath I take." She murmured.