(9.1) Winter's Past

"It was the summer of my last year in middle school when I met her. It was raining that day, so I hid under the bridge for shelter. What else could I have done as a kid with no money. It was as good a place as any to camp out."

"What are you doing down here?"

"Her voice was gentle, curious, and somehow perfectly fit the speaker. Dark, silky wet hair, a super cute face, and doll-like in a nice but maybe a little strange way."

"Still, it startled me and I lashed out by throwing the rainwater at this stranger. I regretted what I did immediately. She had been drenched from the rain already, and I just added more water to her problems. Lucky for me, I wasn't so much of a brat that I couldn't apologise and offer her some of the spare clothes inside my tent."

"She told me thanks, as if nothing was weird about a boy her age camped out under a bridge during a rainstorm. I was so awkward and nervous about it, but thinking back, she must have been too. Not because of me but I remember even with how drenched she was, she was dirty and dishevelled."

"Problems of some sort already hung over her. Was she nervous I'd ask probing questions and thankful I didn't? Questions that to middle school me weren't anywhere as important as the fact I had a super pretty girl my age changing clothes in my tent."

"She came out of the tent, wearing my school gym clothes. It was almost too much for me."

"Thanks, um… I guess I should introduce myself before anything, right? My name is… well, you can call me Kokone. Just Kokone."

"A-are you sure? Isn't that kinda…"

"Just Kokone!"

"She spoke so radiantly, like a real angel, smiling so brightly at me despite the weird situation."

"What's your name? Or should I call you Mr. Troll?"

"I remember how odd the sudden nickname was. Was I being insulted or was she just really weird, I had thought then."

"No weird nicknames! But if I'm gonna call you K-Ko-Kokone, then just call me ⬛⬛⬛."

"She laughed then, so sudden and bright. It captivated me. Only recalling it years later did I realise how tired she sounded. Not physically, but mentally. Yet somehow that laugh had eased at least a little of her burden back then."

"I think calling you Mr. Troll would be less weird. But! Let's talk about this! How come you're out here in the middle of the night when there's a rainstorm? Won't the police get you?"

"...Complicated stuff. You- you wouldn't understand."

"Try me. I think we might have a little bit in common if we just look."

"Her smile was so vibrant, it was as if that dark night brightened, at least a little."

"I couldn't think of any way to deny her. Maybe I didn't want to. Because of that, we really hit it off. The two of us talked for hours about ourselves, the world, games we played and loved, all while somehow avoiding getting caught by local police for being out there. It was a lot of fun, so when Kokone finally decided we should both probably get home before something serious occurred -- like a manhunt -- I felt a little reluctant."

"That was when I worked up the courage to ask her to come back. Surprisingly, she accepted. But since we had no way of contacting each other, we decided to come back here under the bridge and it would work out somehow."

"Since neither of us lived close enough to visit, we decided it was a good meeting point. We even left little notes or letters just in case one thing or another happened."

"It was only half-true about our meetings. I lived pretty close by, except I didn't want to pull Kokone into that kind of environment. What would she think of me then?

"Was it the same for her? I had wondered at the time."

"One way or another, we became good friends, and always met whenever we had the chance. We went to different middle schools so it wasn't often our schedules would line up. That didn't stop us from somehow making it work."

"Just before the entrance exam season, Kokone made the resolve that we should both try to get into the same high school."

"After all! We both love games, right? So shouldn't we support each other to make that dream a reality? Making a game!"

"I remember how much she flailed her arms from how irritated she was that the only time we could meet was during long vacation weeks and holidays. I felt the same too. She was a big part of my life already, so even with all the roadblocks, I made sure to study really hard."

"At that time I had no clue just how precious I thought of her."

"Just before entrance exams, I woke up to the raised voices of my parents. Mother was shouting at Father, calling him names and obscenities I was too young to quite understand. At least most of them."

"Halfa, she called him. At one point in the argument I heard my name. I recoiled, thinking they had seen me but no. Mother was saying she was disgusted that she had given birth to a child that wasn't Japanese. To something so unreliable and wasteful as a halfa's kid."

"Before I knew it, I had run out of the house, not caring if they heard or saw me leave. All I could think of was running to that bridge. My sanctuary. To Kokone."

"It was wishful thinking to believe she'd magically be there, of course but a part of me still hoped. All I could do was curl up and stop the tears that threatened to escape."

"So what if my mother didn't want me? I'd show her that she should. I'd get good grades and be trusted by teachers and students. I'd join clubs and be student council president. I'd excel at everything!"

"Once I resolved myself, I remember standing up to leave so quickly I bumped into the hollowed out rock Kokone and I used to hide notes to each other. A letter came out of it yet to this day I still can't remember exactly what it said. The feelings of being accepted, however, I do."

"I had prepared to embark on a path I didn't even realise was self-destructive for what I would later harshly face reality as a vain hope for approval from an apologetically racist woman."

"She was my mother and I loved her… but not all parents love their children."

"Time passed and high school started. Just as we hoped, Kokone and I ended up in the same high school. Even in the same class. I thought this would be it. The springtime of my youth would blossom and we'd have a fulfilling high school life together. Playing games, studying, festivals, going home together and maybe…"

"It wasn't meant to be. One night, near the end of my first year of high school, my father woke me up suddenly. He was completely covered up and wearing a mask, which was odd since Father always liked to dress light because of the heat. He told me to be quiet and to pack anything extra he hadn't already."

"Confused, I wasn't sure what he meant but I was too sleepy to question it, so I did as I was told. We got into a car a few blocks from home and before I knew it, we were on a plane bound for London. The whole time, Father had been on the phone with someone and going through all sorts of papers."

"It wasn't until later that I realised he had been talking to a lawyer and the papers in his hands were divorce papers. The reason he was covered up was to hide the cuts and bruises Mother gave him and the mask was actually a bruise from a baseball bat. Somehow he managed to gain legal custody of me and escaped Japan before Mother was wise to his scheme."

"I remember being angry with Father because he uprooted my life. That I couldn't say goodbye to my friends, to Kokone. Even though I could see his injuries, I lashed out childishly for days and every time, Father would always speak in a kind and caring voice. No matter what I did or what questions I'd ask, he'd always be gentle."

"I'm sorry I uprooted you the way I did ⬛⬛⬛. You miss your friends and I know talking online isn't the same as being right there with them. I know, I know… but I couldn't leave you with your mother. How could I call myself a father if I left you there knowing what kind of environment it was becoming?"

"Then tell me what happened?!"

"I remember shouting those words at him then. I couldn't comprehend what exactly about my father was a halfa and how that had any bearing on me and my life. Why they divorced so suddenly."

"All he could say was - You'll understand when you're older. But I promise to explain it when you're an adult."

"I couldn't accept his explanation. Even when I enrolled in a new high school there in London, my sourness didn't leave. I couldn't accept them as classmates. I don't know if I would have if I hadn't managed to get Kokone's contact information a few weeks after the sudden move."

"Apparently, she had done whatever odd jobs she could to raise some money so she could message me online. Even though she wasn't allowed a phone or even social media, she had made due with a computer cafe where we chatted online nearly every day."

"Then it became weekly."

"Then monthly."

"Eventually we stopped talking."

"She had denied me every time I tried sending money so she could afford a phone or other device we could use. I didn't understand her circumstances."

"Years passed and I graduated as an honours student. I got into a school in the U.S. and majored in game design."

"I hoped to see or hear about her at first but I got ambitious and became absorbed in my work."

"It wasn't until the summer after I graduated that I ran into her in the middle of London. How stunning she looked all grown up. Her sleek dark hair and professional look. Eyes so bright and beautiful shining brilliantly behind the black-rimmed glasses under the sun."

"She responded first, her voice as vibrant as ever. How funny, I found it, that a born and raised Japanese woman like her had less boundaries than I did. Kokone pulled me into a deep hug almost immediately. How did I respond exactly? I don't remember."

We decided to catch up over lunch. We chatted about what we'd been up to and how she found herself in London."

"Honestly, I found you again in the last year of high school when that news report came out. The- the full-body tracker thing for more immersive VR! I wanted to contact you again but things were turbulent and I thought, 'well ⬛⬛⬛'s giving it his all. I should too!"

"She laughed so clearly, so cheerfully. I remember the way I felt my heart leap in her chest but I couldn't let myself get ahead of things. Just because I stayed single doesn't mean she did. That would be too wishful of me."

"Turned out… I wasn't all that good at all that complicated tech stuff or the art. What I could do was manage! So, I went into business management and finance! After all, if you really plan on making your own game company, then you'll need someone like me."

"She smiled so vibrantly but also looked a little uncertain. Suddenly coming back into each other's lives and making a proposal like that? I don't think I could have had the guts to do that. Still, I never planned to turn her down. I was just glad I could see her again after so long. Working together was just a bonus."