Chapter 7

Two and a half weeks of being in the house with Santana and the twins and Brittany still wasn't feeling settled. She spent every night either watching over the twins in their beds, falling asleep on the rocking chair they still had in there, or lying awake in her own bed listen to Santana's heavy breathing. Her mind knew the boys were safe. She knew Kyler wasn't traumatised, because he never even talked about the event, never woke up with nightmares and hadn't developed a fear of strangers, but she couldn't relax. Her heart still beat too fast when either of the boys screamed as they played. Panic rose in her chest when they were quiet for too long, and she'd immediately drop everything to check on them. She knew it wasn't rational, especially since they hadn't left the house since coming back from Australia.

But fear was rarely rational, Santana had taught her that, and neither was anger which was all she felt besides fear. Her parents had been calling her every day, sometimes twice a day, and she hadn't been answering. Brittany couldn't bring herself to talk to her mum. She knew exactly how the conversation would go, with numerous and probably very sincere apologies, and she knew she would eventually end up saying that it was okay. She didn't want to say that, because it wasn't. Sometimes when she thought about that video a fan had posted showing what went down in the park, her test tightened and her throat closed. She would experience the same nausea that had risen in her throat when her brain had processed what Jessie was saying, and she could see Santana's wide panicked eyes clearly in her mind. That wasn't okay.

Nothing about what had happened was okay, and Brittany wouldn't tell her parents otherwise no matter how sad they were. So she was ignoring their calls.

She was ignoring the whole world really. She's called in to work the day after they arrived back in the States to request more time off…well request was a nice way of putting. She'd practically told her boss that she wasn't coming back till she was ready and if he had a problem with it he could shove it up his ass. Santana had convinced her to follow the conversation up with an email, which was worded much more politely, just to make sure she didn't get fired.

Since then she hadn't talked to anyone but Santana, Jesús and Kyler. Quinn and Puck had called, but Santana had talked to them, and the one time they'd dropped by Brittany had been taking a nap with the boys, so she hadn't seen them. The paparazzi had followed Quinn and Puck to their house and hounded them so relentlessly that they'd all decided it would be better if they steered clear for a while.

The isolation had been nice. Tiring, since they had to come up with ways to entertain their toddlers without leaving the house, but nice. It reminded Brittany of the snow days they'd had back in high school, when she would sneak over to Santana's house and they would bake or snuggle under a blanket and watch movies all day. Brittany smiled at the memories.

Standing up from the couch, she went to find Santana in the backyard. She'd left them outside, making use of the pool before December rolled around and it was too cold.

"Santana!" She called.

Santana turned with Jesús in her arms.

"Are you coming in mama?"

"No bud. Actually I wanted to see if you guys wanted to watch some movies."

"Yes!" Kyler squealed happily, paddling over to the stairs. Santana walked to him, putting her hand on his butt and helping him lift himself out.

"You wanna watch a movie mijo?" she asked Jesús, and Brittany wrapped Kyler up in a towel.

"Um…"

"Yes let's watch a movie" Kyler said.

"Okay." Jesús nodded. "Can I pick the movie?"

"You can both pick and we'll watch both." Brittany said, reaching down and lifting him out of the pool to stand beside his brother.

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{Flashback}

Santana was trying hard not to whine. A, it was pathetic, and B, she was Santana Lopez, and Santana Lopez doesn't whine. But the prospect of what her girlfriend was asking her to do was just so bad, that she was seriously debating throwing her pride to the wind and whining. There were 100 other things she would do to compensate, as long as she could escape this request. Honestly, if you asked her, it wasn't a request so much as a demand. One of those things that your girlfriend asks you to do in a way that makes it seem like you can say no, but if you do she gets disappointed and angry, even though she'll say she's not, and then things are weird and tense for a few days after, until she asks again. This time you know to say yes.

Unable to bring herself to whine, she bit her bottom lip and refocused on what she was cooking.

"Just say it" Brittany says from her place on the kitchen counter. Santana didn't turn to look at her.

"Say what?" she asked casually.

"Whatever it is you're trying not to tell me"

Bending low to read the next instruction on the recipe she'd pulled up on her phone, Santana took her time to think of a response. She didn't like lying to Brittany, even if she could do it well enough to fool her, but she didn't want to fight. Finally she straightened up.

"Can you pass me some tomatoes?"

Brittany hopped off the counter and walked to the fridge, where she took out three tomatoes. Handing them to Santana, she jumped back onto the counter and looked at her expectantly. As Santana cut the tomatoes, she decided to just be honest.

"I don't want to fight"

"Let's not fight then" Brittany said seriously. "What is it?"

"I don't want to have that conversation with Artie." Santana confessed. Brittany sighed in irritation. "Britt I understand why you want to, but honestly I don't think it's any of his business."

"Santana, we've been over this already." Brittany jumped down. "Everyone knows about us now, and none of them care. They're happy for us. So we owe him an explanation. What we did wasn't right, and he got really hurt, so we owe him."

"I don't owe him anything" Santana said angrily. She hated the thought that she was in any way in Artie's debt, even though she knew that's not what Brittany meant. She hated that boy for everything he had taken from her last year, and she would not, under any circumstances, apologize to him.

Brittany scoffed. "You do, but fine. If you don't think so, then that's up to you, but I do. We need to talk to him."

"Why do we need to talk to him but not to Puck or Sam? Hell, why don't we talk to Finn as well, since we used him at coach's request, and what about Mike? You dated him because I told you we needed to be with guys. Artie isn't special Brittany."

"It's not the same thing Santana. What you had with Puck and Sam wasn't at all serious, and they knew that. What I had with Mike was even less serious than that, but now that you bring it up, yeah maybe we should talk to Finn."

"No Brittany" Santana said incredulously, turning to face her. "No way."

"It was your suggestion, not mine." Santana fixed her an annoyed look. "Finn wasn't hurt by anything that happened. He was a willing participant. We didn't trick him or lie to him. We did those things to Artie. I was in a serious relationship with him, and I cheated. With you. We hurt him."

"He's fine."

"That doesn't mean anything. We owe him-"

"Stop saying that" Santana interrupted. Brittany sighed.

"It's the right thing to do Santana."

"When have I ever cared about doing the right thing?" she said, turning back to the cutting bored.

Brittany cocked her head to the side. "I don't want our relationship to start off with this hanging over us. I still feel bad, and I probably always will, but it'll be like….bad Karma or something if we don't fix it with Artie." Santana's shoulders slumped. "Please baby."

"Fine, but I'm not going to apologize."

"Fine" Brittany said, smiling as she jumped back onto the counter and brought another uncooked pasta noodle to her lips.

***

Later that week, Santana and Brittany spent one of their free periods with Artie. He was still very intimidated by Santana, but having dated Brittany, he understood that there was more to the unholy trinity than met the eye.

"So uh…not that this isn't fun," he began, opening a packet of crisps and resting it in his lap, "But what's this really about? No way Santana wants to hang out with me."

Brittany tried to look innocent. "Of course she does. Right S?" Santana frowned, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Totally" she said in a monotone.

"We just wanted to uh…you know, to talk to you." Brittany continued. Artie raised his eyebrows.

"Sure. You need my AV skills or something?"

"No nerd" Santana said, trying not to role her eyes. Brittany shot her a look telling her to behave.

"No thanks Artie."

"Okay…so what's up then?"

Brittany looked uncomfortably around the empty classroom they were in. This may have been her idea, but she was going to enjoy it as much as Santana. Sighing, she decided to just rip off the band aid.

"I'm really sorry I cheated on you" she said quickly. Artie was startled. His head shot back and his eyes widened as he looked from Brittany to Santana. Santana's jaw clenched, but she didn't speak.

"Oh uh…uhm…" Artie had no idea what to say. He had not been expecting that at all. His eyes finally settled on Santana, wondering if she was going to apologize as well.

"Don't get your miserable hopes up cripple McGee." Santana spat, hating the way he was looking at her; like he knew she was in the wrong as well, and expected something from her.

"Santana" Brittany scolded. Santana raised a hand to stop her.

"Look," she said, jumping off the desk she had been sitting on and moving closer to Brittany. "There was a lot of stuff going on behind the scenes that are, despite what Brittany may think, none of your business." Ignoring the look Brittany was giving her, she paused to make sure Artie was listening. He looked thoroughly confused.

"Okay?"

"Having said that, it wasn't cool that you got mixed up in the crossfire. I could have handled a lot of things differently, not just with you, but with a lot of other people…so like…don't take it personally."

Brittany smiled to herself, knowing that was the closest Santana was going to get to saying sorry. Artie nodded, unsure of what the appropriate response to that was.

"Artie" Brittany said gently, taking pity on him. "I feel really bad for what happened. I wanted you to know that. I acted like I didn't know it was wrong at the time, but I knew." Artie's face relaxed.

"Was any of it real?" he asked meekly, like he didn't really want an answer. Brittany looked at Santana quickly, making sure she wasn't about to say something mean. Santana had narrowed her eyes and re-crossed her arms, but her jaw was tightly clenched, waiting for Brittany's response.

"You have to understand something Artie…Santana and I, we've been together unofficially for a long time. We," she motioned between the two of them, "started off as a way for me to get back at her for something she'd done." Artie nodded sadly. "But then, after we started dating again…yeah…it was as real as it could have been. I really did like you, and I loved that you loved me, and that we could be together, and I loved the time we spent together." He seemed to perk up at this. She put a hand on his knee. "But I was always in love with Santana." He nodded again, looking down at the hand still on his leg. "I just felt like…I felt like we owed you an explanation, because I know what I did wasn't right or fair to you. You really didn't deserve to be mixed up in everything that was going on with Santana and I…and we're really sorry." Santana coughed, and Brittany shot her another look.

"Look Brittany…I was really hurt, but honestly, you and I would have never dated unless I was caught up in…whatever, so I guess it's okay. I had my time with you, and that means something to me so, even if you weren't really mine, it's nice to know that it wasn't some prank or dare or something. You weren't using me the entire time right?"

Brittany shook her head. "No"

"Then it's okay Brittany. Stop feeling bad. We had fun, and we'll always have that. That's okay."

Brittany smiled, launching herself into his lap and hugging him fiercely. "Thank you"

Santana hadn't moved from where she'd been standing, but she wanted nothing more than to walk out of the classroom. If she never saw Brittany in Artie's arms again, it would be too soon. Unable to take it, she cleared her throat.

"Yeah, really awesome, everyone is happy now, all is well in candy land, and you can go back to watching porn on your cheap computer or perving on girl's asses since you have the perfect view from your permanent seat. Now that that's over, I'm going to excuse myself from this Kumbaya fest, cause I have other shit to do."

Not looking at Brittany, she grabbed her bag from under a desk and walked out of the classroom, letting the door slam against the wall when it flew open. Brittany frowned after her.

"What…?" Artie began, not even sure what to ask.

"I don't know" Brittany confessed.

As she walked out of the classroom at the end of the free period, Brittany was feeling more and more uneasy. She couldn't figure out why Santana would be so upset. Everything had gone fine, Brittany hadn't forced her to apologize, and she'd even told Artie that she'd been in love with Santana the entire time she was with him. Why would she be upset? She checked her phone for the hundredth time in the past hour, but still, there was no text from Santana. They didn't have the next class together. The only class Brittany had without her girlfriend, so it wouldn't be until the end of school when she'd be able to see her.

Time dragged on. She completely zoned out, going through the conversation over and over again, trying to figure out what had triggered Santana. Maybe she really was just done with the conversation, because Brittany couldn't find anything.

Her phone vibrated in her cheerios jacket and she quickly took it out, hoping it was Santana replying to her texts. It was not. It was Quinn asking if she was with Santana. Brittany frowned. After a minute of reading the same short 'u with S?' text, she raised her hand.

"Brittany?" the teacher asked.

"Can I go to the bathroom?" the teacher nodded, and Brittany hurried out the door. Walking quickly to Santana's AP English class that she shared with Quinn, Brittany texted her back.

'No. What do you mean? She's not in class?'

Reaching the class, she stopped outside the door and peeped in through the glass. She saw Quinn take out her phone, and sure enough, the seat next to hers was empty.

'No. Thot u guys were having a quickie'

Brittany exited her messages with Quinn and went to Santana's. Still no reply. She called her. No answer.

'Everything ok?' came another text from Quinn.

'Don't know. Gonna go find out.'

'Where?'

'Have an idea' she replied, just as Quinn's teacher called her name, telling her to put her phone away before she got detention.

Brittany tried Santana again, this time leaving a voice mail.

"S…I don't know why you're not picking up, but I'm coming to you."

It took her less than half an hour to get to their secret location close to the outskirts of town. Since she was the one who drove them to school that day, she had her car, so actually she wasn't sure how Santana had gotten there. When she arrived, she was scared Santana wouldn't be there, because she would have no idea where to look for her if that were the case, but as she walked closer to the pond, she saw Santana lying flat against the rock next to it. She approached silently, trying to judge her girlfriend's mood. She was ignoring her calls and texts, so she must be mad at her, but would she be annoyed that Brittany had come? Would she yell? Brittany hated it when Santana yelled.

Preparing herself for the worst, and promising herself not to cry, she cleared her throat. Santana shot up from the rock, scrambling back several feet before she realised it was Brittany and calmed down.

"Jesús" she muttered under her breath, sitting back down on the rock, facing away from Brittany.

"Sorry" Brittany said, cringing at how horribly this was starting off. Santana just shrugged. "Why are you out here?" Santana shrugged again. Deciding to just talk until Santana spoke, Brittany took a deep breath.

"I know you didn't want to talk to Artie, but thank you for doing it. I really think it was the right thing for us to do you know? So that the guilt didn't follow us around, or something like that. I just didn't want things from the past coming back to bite us in the future. Those kinds of things never really end well, and I really want our relationship to just be left alone from now on you know? There's been a ton of stuff always getting involved and side-tracking us, but now that we've talked to him I feel a lot better-"

"That's great" Santana cut in. "I'm glad you feel better."

"Yeah…" Brittany wasn't sure how to continue. Santana sounded sincere when she spoke. There was no venom or sarcasm, so Brittany wasn't sure how to proceed. "I wasn't sure where you'd gone, but when Q told me you weren't in class I figured I'd find you here."

Santana nodded, eyes focused on the water below her. Brittany sighed silently.

"Please talk to me S"

She didn't get a response. Verbal or otherwise. Santana just continued to watch the water. Brittany sat down next to her, pulled her legs to her and hugged her knees. She would wait for Santana to be ready to talk.

Forty five minutes. They had been sitting there for forty five minutes and Santana hadn't said anything. She hadn't looked at Brittany, or shifted her position, and Brittany was starting to get really worried. She waited another 5 minutes, but couldn't take it anymore.

"Santana you're scaring me." She whispered. Santana turned to look at her, eyes wide like she'd forgotten she was there.

"Do you wanna go?" she asked, just ask quietly. Brittany felt relieved, nodding slowly. Maybe once they got home Santana would tell her what all this was about. Brittany stood up and stretched, taking a few steps before she realised Santana hadn't moved. "I'll see you tomorrow" Santana said, turning back to the water. Brittany frowned.

"What do you mean? I thought we were leaving."

"I meant you."

Brittany's shoulders slumped heavily. "Oh…then no." Santana looked at her. "I don't wanna leave without you."

"I'll be fine"

"Santana" Brittany felt those tears she had promised not to shed pooling in her eyes.

"Brittany I'm fine" Santana said, and Brittany almost believed her. Her eyes were pleading. "I just…I…I'll see you tomorrow okay?" Brittany stared at her for a long moment, willing her to stop sending her away and just tell her what's wrong. When Santana broke the eye contact and turned back to the water, her decision was made.

"Okay."

"I love you" Santana said, glancing quickly at her but not looking at her eyes.

"I love you" Brittany told her. With a final look she walked back to her car, locked herself inside, and waited. She was not, under any circumstances, going to leave Santana out here alone, with no car, and in whatever mood this was she was in. Even if she wouldn't talk to her.

She woke up to a loud tapping near her head. She was confused at first, about where she was, and why she was so cold, but as the sleep left her eyes, she remembered. She was in her car, waiting for Santana. The tapping sound that had woken her filled the car again, and she turned her head to look out the window, instantly finding Santana's eyes. They were red and balancing tears. She quickly unlocked the door, noticing that it was completely dark outside, so they must have been there for hours. Without hesitation, she pulled Santana into a hug, squeezing as tight as she could and peppering kisses all over her cheek and temple. Santana didn't even put up a fight. Her hands were trapped to her sides by Brittany's arms, so hugging back wasn't really an option, but she let her head drop to Brittany's shoulder and breathed deeply.

After a few minutes, Brittany pulled back and led Santana to the passenger side, opening the door for her. When she was inside, Brittany returned to the driver's side. They sat in silence for a while, and Brittany was beginning to wonder if Santana was ever going to speak to her again.

"I hate Artie" she said finally. Brittany didn't react. She figured she wasn't really supposed to yet. "I hate that he was the one that was your first real relationship. I hate that you experienced getting to walk down the hallways with him and singing to each other in glee and going on dates and double dates, with him. I know it's horrible, but I wish you were just using him the whole time. I wish you were using him so you'd have someone while I figured my shit out. To make me jealous. To feel better about yourself. Because you pitied him cause he's crippled, or cause you felt bad for what happened the first time. Anything. I hate that for the rest of your life, Artie gets to be your first, and it's my fault."

Brittany had no idea what to say. She wanted to somehow tell Santana that it wasn't true. That since she'd loved her the entire time she was with him that technically he wasn't her first, but it wouldn't be true. It would have been if when Santana had told her she loved her, she had broken up with him, but she hadn't. She'd chosen to stay with him, because he was her boyfriend, and she loved him. Obviously not in the same way, but she did love him, even if it were for no other reason than he was willing to give her what Santana was not yet ready for. The whole thing was confusing and mixed up, and Brittany could not think of a way to explain to Santana that everything they'd had over the summer, and these last few months, was infinitely better than anything she had with Artie, even if she had dated him first. She wracked her brain for several minutes, unwilling to give up, until it finally came to her.

"Santana, do you think I'd ever lie to you?" she asked. Santana turned to her with a frown.

"No"

"So whatever I tell you right now, you'll know I'm telling the truth?" Santana cocked her head.

"Yeah."

"Okay. So…you know how you told me that my first time having sex didn't count?" Santana physically recoiled, face scrunching up at the topic they so rarely discussed. She nodded none the less. "Because I didn't really want it to happen, and didn't reach an orgasm, and didn't really know the guy and he-"

"Yes Brittany I remember, why are you bringing that up?"

"Because even though technically, I'd lost my virginity, it wasn't really my first time, because it didn't check a whole bunch of boxes. The act itself wasn't really enough."

Santana looked at her confused. "Okay…I still don't really see what it has to do with anything."

Brittany ignored her. "And you know how I told you that sex is better with feelings?" she waited for Santana to nod. "So even though we'd had sex a whole bunch of times before, the first time we had sex after we started dating was the real first time, because of the feelings. It counted more than the other times, cause there was more to it."

Santana nodded again, still a bit confused.

Brittany shifted in her seat so she was facing Santana, and took both her hands. "Technically, Artie was the first serious relationship I had, because it wasn't just about sex, and everybody knew we were together, and we went on dates. But it doesn't really count, because the whole time, you already had my heart. There were feelings, but not the right feeling. Not the feelings I have for you. I didn't picture us getting married and having kids. Ashley didn't spend hours hanging out with him, my dad didn't even talk to him, and my mum only ever asked him how his day was. It was a relationship that wasn't going anywhere, so really how serious is that?"

Santana finally understood what the two previous examples meant, and she smiled.

"So…" Brittany drawled out, her thumbs rubbing circles on Santana's wrists. "Everything with you is my real first time Santana. You are my first serious relationship, because my feeling for you are the most serious. I don't love you because I can walk down the hallway with you, I walk down the hallway with you because I love you, and that's a first for me. I don't love you because I can go on dates or double dates with you, I do those things because I love you, and that's a first for me."

Santana shook her head in disbelief. She really could not understand how people thought Brittany was stupid.

"You're a fucking genius, do you know that?" she told her, looking down at their hands. Brittany smiled.

"You've told me once or twice."

"I'm sorry" Santana said after a moment of silence.

"What for S? You don't have to-"

"No I do. I just…I couldn't take seeing you and him together, even though it was just a hug, and I was listening to everything you'd said to each other, and I just…I got into my head and couldn't get out."

"You're silly" Brittany told her gently, lifting her hand to tilt Santana's head up. "Why didn't you talk to me?"

Santana sighed. "We said we weren't going to keep going back to the past and living in regret."

"Living in the past is different than having feelings about it every once in a while. As long as we talk things out and move on, then there's nothing wrong with that. It's the always apologizing for things that happened years ago and letting it dictate our relationship that becomes a problem.

"Yeah. You're right B." Santana nodded once and turned to look out the window. "I thought you were going home."

Brittany rolled her eyes and Santana had to laugh. "You're really silly then."

"Why?" Santana asked, chuckling.

"Would you have driven away and left me here if the roles were reversed?"

Santana dropped her shoulders and grinned. "Yeah okay…you're right. I'm silly."

Brittany brought their hands up and kissed Santana's knuckles.

"And I love you."

{End of flashback}

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Brittany could list hundreds of reasons why she loved Santana. If someone honestly asked her to, she could actually write a full, comprehensive list of individual reasons why she loved Santana. She could write multiple bullet points under every reason, detailing the many other reasons why she loved that particular thing. In high school when she was bored in class, she would look at Santana and point out some of those reasons to herself. It was probably why she was so good at reading Santana's emotions without her even saying a word. She spent countless hours just watching how she reacted to different situations, from bored, to annoyed, to slightly irritated, begrudgingly happy, genuinely happy, and 'Brittany' happy. Brittany happy was Brittany's favourite emotion on Santana. Her lips were always slightly upturned, like a smile was lurking just under the surface. When she did smile, small crinkles would appear on the bridge of her nose, her whole body would relax so that her walk was really a saunter, and her eyes were focused on one thing, usually Brittany, instead of constantly on the look-out for judgement. Her laugh was a little higher than her usual one, and sometimes her tongue would poke out between her teeth while she giggled. She was cute and innocent and playful, and it was this Santana that betrayed her love for Brittany, even when she tried to convince her that she wasn't gay, or in love with her. When she told Brittany that it was just practice, or just because Puck was busy, Brittany would close her eyes and picture Santana when she was 'Brittany' happy, knowing that there was no way she was mistaken. No way she was confused or reading too much into things. Even if she ignored how Santana reacted to her kisses, and her touches, there was no ignoring how she seemed to come into herself around Brittany. How her eyes were brighter and full of mischief, how she sometimes bounced on the balls of her feet like she was just too excited to contain herself, even if all they were doing was standing in the park, or in the kitchen in Santana's house as Brittany tried to cook for her. Brittany knew, with unwavering certainty, that Santana loved her. That she was in love with her, because yes, if anyone understood that there was a difference between loving someone and being in love with them, it was Brittany. Fourteen years of watching someone, studying them the way Brittany did Santana, memorizing them, tended to only strengthen such certainty.

It was these facts, that kept Brittany from panicking, or getting angry, or upset, or really, from having any reaction other than bursting into laughter, when one of her friends showed her an article about Santana's affair with an up and coming musician who was just signed by her label. It was a ludicrous suggestion, and there wasn't even a flicker of doubt in Brittany's mind that it was a lie. Just the stupid tabloids trying to get them to react. She was ready to call Santana to laugh about it, when she saw the picture of the woman Santana was allegedly sleeping with, and paused. She still knew the news was fake, but it unsettled her none the less. Maybe it was because Brittany had never seen Santana interact with Dani. She had never been able to watch and determine how much Santana liked Dani, or how much Dani liked Santana. She didn't know how Santana reacted to Dani's kisses, or touches, or if her nose wrinkled when she was around. She simply didn't know. And not knowing something about Santana unsettled her. In no universe would she entertain the thought that Santana would cheat on her. Not with anyone in the word. Not with anyone in any world. But Brittany couldn't help being jealous.

For the rest of the day she remained quiet, only speaking to tell people that no, Santana was not cheating on her. By the time she was heading home she had managed to talk herself out of her jealousy, or so she told herself. After all, it wasn't like she envied Dani. Why would she? She was married to Santana, they had two amazing sons together, and she got to go to sleep and wake up with Santana every day, not Dani. So she wasn't jealous, maybe the better word was irritated. Nobody likes their wife's ex hanging around them, working with them closely, spending countless hours locked up together in a room. It was normal for her not to be thrilled by this news. With that settled, she got out of her car, which she had been sitting in for thirty minutes thinking, and walked into the house. As usual, she dropped all her things on the table in the foyer, and listened. She liked to take a few minutes to get out of 'work mode' and into 'family mode' before she interacted with her children, because she remembered how she used to feel when she'd be so excited to see her father when he came home from work, and he would simply give her a 'hi honey B' and go to his room for hours. The excitement she felt would always extinguish painfully, and she'd sit by herself on the front steps and wonder what she did wrong and how she could greet him differently the next day, to make him happy to see her. It didn't matter that he would come out a while later, grab her into a hug and then play with her for two hours. All she would remember was that when he came home from work, he was not happy to see her. She never wanted her sons to feel that way. She wanted them to always feel like they were her favourite people. She wanted them to be confident in how she felt about them. To know that no matter what time it was, day it was, or what she had been doing that day, they could trust that she would treat them the way she always did. She wanted to give them that consistency.

It wasn't hard for her to know where her family was. They were always making so much noise that Brittany was always grateful they didn't have neighbours close enough to complain. Santana got off work earlier than her on most days, so she would pick the boys from Puck's at 2 in the afternoon. Puck worked at a gym as a personal trainer, and he was all too willing to take Jesús and Kyler in to work with him. They had a day care centre there, and he said it helped him with the ladies. Santana had threatened to put up pictures of Puck in a dress all around the gym, and tell every woman there that he was a cross-dresser if he ever used her sons to pick up women. On days like today though, Santana had a light day in the studio working on her own music, so she took their sons in with her. They both loved going with their mami to work because everyone there treated them like royalty. Jesús seemed to be really interested in the music. He would sit quietly for hours and just watch and listen as Santana and her band experimented with new concepts as they tried to write new songs, and he would pay close attention every time Santana or her sound designer used the sound board. It was amazing to watch a kid who was usually so hyper he would lose track of a conversation while it was happening, sit and absorb information like that for hours without complaint.

Brittany was brought out of her thoughts as one of her sons collided with her leg, drenching her sweat pants in water.

"Hi buddy" she said happily, laughing as he tightened his hold on her leg. She ran her hand through his dripping hair and he lifted his head to look at her. "Hi Jesús" she amended, now sure which twin he was.

"Hi mama" Jesús said excitedly. "We're swimming"

"You are?" she asked, laughing again. It was so amusing when her kids pointed out something obvious to her, like without their explanation she would have no idea what was going on. Jesús nodded, still not letting go of her leg, but now attempting to climb her.

"Ky is in practice with mami, but we were playing a game before." Brittany gave him her hand so he could use it to pull himself up. She didn't mind getting wet, and really, she wanted to see how high he could climb before she had to help him.

"What's the game called?"

Jesús was silent for a while, struggling to lift himself onto Brittany's waist. She was about to pull him up when he put one leg back on the floor, the other just above her knee, both hands holding onto her hand and pulled himself up, climbing like one does at rock climbing, using her hand like a rope. She laughed as he put his leg on her stomach, tightening her muscles so he didn't hurt her.

"It doesn't have a name. It's about sharks and dolphins and aquaman."

Now that Brittany was sure he wasn't going to fall, she walked into the living room. "Oh let me guess…you were the shark?"

"Yeah!" Jesús exclaimed, trying to climb onto her shoulders. Deciding this was high enough for him to go on his own, Brittany lifted him into the air, relishing in his squeals of delight, and placed him on her shoulders, holding both his hands to make sure he didn't lean back too far.

"I bet you made an awesome shark. Will you play the game again when Ky finishes training?"

"Yeah mami said I have to wait twenty minutes, then she was going to be the princess who has to be saved from the shark, and Ky was going to be aquaman, and I was going to be the shark. She said if you came home in time, you could be the other shark, and I could be a good shark who tries to help aquaman."

It often happened that Brittany found herself genuinely excited to play a game her sons had invented. Not just because she liked playing with them, but because the game itself sounded like a lot of fun. Santana teased her saying it was because she had the imagination of a three year old anyway, so of course her sons' ideas sounded fun to her. Brittany couldn't really disagree.

"That," she said, dipping her hands behind her shoulders so that Jesús was hanging almost upside down, "sounds like the most amazing game ever. Let me go get my swimming costume." She lifted him off her and onto the floor, where he promptly ran back outside to the pool, and made her way upstairs.

When she was changed into her bikini, she went down to the pool. For a few minutes she watched as Santana walked the length of the pool back and forth as Kyler made laps, timer in her hand, and eyes watching him carefully. Santana had realised in Australia that Jesús had an affinity for all things water sports. They had taught both boys to swim, but Kyler was not just able to swim, he was good at swimming. He was fast and he could hold his breath for longer than they thought he should be able to at three years old. When they got back home, Kyler had asked if Santana could teach him how to swim really fast like her. So she had started teaching him the different strokes. He picked those up in a little over a month, and wanted to learn more, so Santana had talked to a swim trainer about the best way to train him. She wanted to do it herself and not have a stranger instructing her son, pushing him to win without caring if he was still having fun. So she read a bunch of books on training children, and once a week had meetings with the trainer, who watched Kyler swim and made notes on where he could improve, which he gave to Santana. Now two months later, Kyler was swimming the length of their pool, fifteen minute sessions spent on each stroke, with one timed lap at the end of each session, every other day, and he loved it. He and Santana spent a lot of time watching Olympic swimmers, Santana told him about the fastest swimmers around the world and what their times were, and now Kyler's dream was to be like Michael Phelps. Jesús usually joined his brother in the pool, but not always. Santana had to actually watch Kyler's form, so she felt uneasy having Jesús in the pool when she wasn't giving him her full attention. So as an alternative, she usually had him on her shoulders, holding the timer and pressing it whenever Santana told him. She'd ask him to shout out her instructions to Kyler, or to run along beside the pool and see if he could beat him. That way, he didn't feel left out. In between all the sessions, there was 'rest time' which Santana filled with games. This was to both include Jesús, so he had time in the pool, and to keep Kyler relaxed and having fun. She didn't want him to only associate pools with training.

Brittany really couldn't believe how amazing Santana was as a mother. She loved to watch her just being a mum. Cooking healthy but delicious food for them, playing with them, even just watching tv. Santana was without a doubt the best mother Brittany had ever seen, and she wasn't being biased. Quinn, Puck, Eve, and so many of their other friends had said it as well. Jesús and Kyler were really Santana's entire world, and she was delivering on her promise to give them everything they could ever need.

Again Brittany was brought from her thoughts by Jesús colliding with her. He was drier now, but his hair was still dripping. She ran her hand through it again, wondering if she should bring up a haircut again. It was really getting long.

"Mama can we go in the pool and…a…and I go on…in…you back?" he asked her, already pulling her to the pool. She smiled. When the twins got too excited, their speech suffered. Usually they were really clear when they spoke. They still pronounced things in cute ways, sometimes not even saying a complete word, but you could still understand what they were saying. When they were excited though, they stammered, and took in breaths in the middle of a word so you couldn't hear it, and confused some words for others, making it a lot harder for her to understand them.

"You want me to carry you on my back while I swim?" she clarified.

"Yeah" Jesús said absently, pushing her to get into the pool.

"Okay…but don't push buddy…remember, we don't push in the pool." Jesús removed his hands from the back of her legs and nodded.

"Sorry mama"

Brittany smiled at him, then took a few more steps and jumped into the pool. She heard Jesús' scream as the water splashed him. The initial shock of the water almost forced her to expel all her air, but only a few bubbles escaped. She pushed off the floor and emerged from the water with a loud gasp. Jesús was laughing a foot from the edge. They always told them to keep some distance from the edge so they didn't accidentally fall in.

"Mama you hair" he giggled. Brittany realised she had forgotten to tie it up into a pony, so it was probably sticking up all over the place. She smoothed some of it out of her face and swam away from the edge.

"Come in Jesús."

Jesús didn't even hesitate. He took a step so he was at the edge of the pool, and then launched himself into the pool. Brittany caught him just as his head went under. He could swim, and wasn't scared, but he was not as good as Kyler, and hadn't really mastered holding his breath and expelling water from his nose so it didn't sting. Brittany didn't want him under water for too long.

"Good job Mijo" Santana yelled, making her way back down the pool as Kyler swam towards them.

"Did you see mami?" Jesús asked excitedly, arms tight around Brittany's neck. She kissed his cheek.

"I did" Santana said with a huge smile. "That was very cool."

Jesús nodded proudly. "Mama caught me" he informed her.

"Did she?" Santana asked. Jesús nodded. "That's very cool of her too huh?"

"Yeah" Jesús looked at Brittany like she had just done magic.

"Hi baby" Santana said to Brittany, blowing her a kiss as she walked past.

"Hi my love. How was your day?"

"Good. We had fun in the studio today right Jesús?" Jesús nodded vigorously. "Why don't you tell mama what you did?"

"I played the drums" Jesús said to Brittany. Brittany raised her eyebrows and looked at Santana, who nodded.

"He played the drums, like actually played. Eddie taught him like a beginner's beat or something, and he did it."

"Wow Jesús" Brittany said, hugging him and kissing him several times. "Well done buddy. I'm so proud of you. Did you have fun?"

Jesús nodded again. "I had fun. I like the drums"

Brittany and Santana nodded. "Yes you do" Britany said.

"I also like the piano, and the guitar, and the violin"

Brittany laughed. "You like all the instruments huh?"

Jesús bounced in her arms and lifted his hands, water splashing a bit, "All the instooments" he exclaimed. Santana and Brittany laughed.

"He'll be done on the next lap B" Santana shouted as she jogged to catch up with Kyler. Brittany nodded.

"Okay little man, how about we swim the next one with your brother?" Jesús nodded with a smile. She moved him onto her back and lazily swam to the end of the pool where Kyler was.

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After nice warm showers, both boys were clean and chlorine free, though it had been some work to get Kyler to wash his hair. Now Brittany was sitting with them in the booster chairs at the kitchen island as Santana made them dinner. There was some children's music playing from the Bluetooth speaker, but the volume was low. Kyler and Jesús were talking about the game they had played in the pool, though to Brittany it sounded more like a blockbuster action movie, so she and Santana were free to talk.

"How was your day B, you never told me."

"Uh…interesting" Brittany said. She wasn't sure how to bring up the things that had been consuming her day.

"Oh yeah?" Santana asked, bringing the cutting board over to the island so she could face Brittany while she chopped vegetables.

"Mmmhh" Brittany hummed, watching Santana's hand.

"Why's that?"

"Found out you were cheating on me"

Santana's head snapped up, her hands frozen with the knife halfway through a carrot. "What?" she croaked.

"It's all over the internet." Brittany said, allowing a smile to grace her lips so Santana knew she didn't believe it. She watched Santana relax, her fingers bringing the knife down through the carrot and continuing to cut.

"Damn…they busted me" she said. Brittany laughed. "Who was it with?"

"Trying to make sure they didn't get the right girl?" Brittany joked. Santana smirked.

"Who said there's only one?" She quipped. Brittany laughed again. "So who was it?" Brittany hesitated, and Santana raised her head to look at her. "B?" Brittany felt slightly panicked. All of her earlier arguments in support of her not being jealous seemed moot now. She couldn't deny she was jealous if she couldn't even bring herself to say the name. She had never said it out loud. She'd thought it multiple times, but she had never said it. There hadn't ever been any reason to. "Britt" Santana said, concerned now. "What's wrong? You're scaring me. Who was it?"

"Your ex" was all she could say. Santana frowned.

"My ex…what do you…." She trailed off as realisation hit her. "Dani?" Brittany nodded. "Well that's stupid. How would they even come to that conclusion? I haven't seen her in 9 years."

"She signed with your label. She moved here last week, according to the article. In an interview she said she was excited to be coming to work with you. Called you 'an old friend' in a way that the article said held a lot of meaning."

"What the hell?" Santana said, dropping the knife and crossing her arms. "What article?"

Brittany went to get her phone from the living room, and pulled up the article. When Santana was done reading it, she looked up at Brittany.

"I didn't know she was coming babe. I would have told you I swear."

"I know babe don't worry about it. I'm not mad at you or anything. I was just joking about it remember? I know the article is lying."

Santana released a long breath. "Where did they get this picture?" she asked, looking down at a picture of her and Dani in their old uniforms from when they worked at the diner in New York. "I don't even remember this picture. It must have been Dani's" Brittany didn't say anything, and for a long time Santana looked at the article. "Are you sure you're okay Brittany?" she asked, putting the phone down. "It's okay if you aren't. I wouldn't be, if like...I don't know, Artie started working with you and was saying things like 'I can't wait to get back to the fun we used to have'."

Brittany took a moment to think. She didn't want Santana to think she was jealous or insecure, but she didn't want to lie.

"I don't know, if I'm being honest. I know you didn't and aren't going to cheat on me. I'm not threatened by her in any way, so I'm not jealous. But….I guess I am a bit uncomfortable with the idea of it. I don't know her, or what you were like with her. I never saw you guys together. I don't know if she's coming back to try and get you back, or to mess with us, or if she really just likes being your friend."

Santana nodded and moved around the island, wiping her hands on a towel. She turned Brittany's chair and parted her legs so she could stand between them.

"I know you said you aren't worried about it, but I want to say this anyway." She took Brittany's hands in hers and lifted them to her chest. "I will never, ever cheat on you Brittany. I will never even be tempted to cheat on you. I cannot be won back by anyone, I cannot be seduced, or convinced to leave you. I am 100 percent yours okay? Like you said all those years ago, you can't recreate what you and I have."

Brittany took in a deep breath and relaxed. She already knew everything Santana was telling her, but hearing it helped pacify the irrational fear inside of her. Santana never lied to her.

"And what you're saying about not knowing how we were together makes sense." Santana went on. "You can't decide how you feel about something you don't know anything about." Brittany nodded, loving in this moment that Santana always understood her so well. Santana kissed her quickly a few times, making Brittany giggle, then walked back to the other side of the island and resumed cutting. "You should come with me tomorrow and meet her. If the first time I see her after all these years is with you, then if she is entertaining some thoughts of 'getting me back'" she said it sarcastically, lifting one hand to make air quotes. Brittany couldn't help but smile. "Then seeing us together will get rid of them quick and easy."

"Okay" Brittany said. "I'll call in sick or something, get Syth to cover for me."

Santana nodded. "Okay done. Also, I'll tell the label that I'll only work with her for as long as you're comfortable with."

Brittany was slightly shocked by that. "What if they don't give you a choice?" Santana raised her head and looked at her incredulously. Brittany laughed. "What?" She asked, though she was sure she knew what already.

"Snixx always has a choice" Santana said seriously. Brittany couldn't help but roll her eyes. She leaned down and kissed Kyler's head.

"Your mami is loco" she whispered into his hair. Kyler giggled.

"Loco" he agreed with a nod.

"Hey" Santana said, pointing the knife at Brittany and then Kyler. "This loco mami is slaving away, making her family dinner."

Brittany, Kyler and Jesús laughed. "And we love her so much right?" Brittany asked. Both boys nodded.

"This much" Jesús said, stretching his arms wide.

"No" Kyler said. "Mama down please." Brittany lifted Kyler out of his booster chair and he ran to the kitchen wall. "We love you this much." He touched the wall, and then ran to the glass door on the other side of the room. When he touched the glass he turned to his mothers with a proud smile.

"Wow" Brittany said. "That's a lot" Kyler nodded and made his way back to his chair, which Brittany lifted him into. Santana leaned over the counter and kissed Kyler's head, then Jesús'.

"I love you that much too my babies. I love you that much and more."

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