Chapter-3: Running To You

4th January, 2015...

Keshav Harshvardhan had always been a playful boy who was never serious about anything, but all of that had only been a pretense. Under all this façade was a boy fearful of affection. Though he had many people he could call friends, none of them were truly close to him. None of them were able to break the walls that he built around himself until her. Aadhira Balakrishnan was the most audacious girl he had ever seen, and she confessed to him. Looking at his phone, Keshav contemplates calling her and telling her what he couldn’t tell her that morning: that he cares for her and, more than she ever imagined, he likes her. It wasn’t love at first sight; Keshav never believed in those, but it was something. From the very first time he heard her talking about boys with her friend, she made him laugh, and it wasn’t his fake everything-is-funny laugh. It was his original one. Despite having girls flock around him because of his looks, Keshav never really paid attention to any girl.

The more he got to know her, the more he became fascinated with her. She wasn’t a random girl that he desperately wanted to pull away from. To Keshav, affection is a luxury he can’t afford with anyone. Yet the girl pulls him in like quicksand.

It took a lot of effort to tell her to rethink her decision before she confessed, but the truth is, Keshav knows she doesn't love him because he, for one, believes that love doesn't exist. When she told him she liked him, she probably meant it, but he pulled away when, for the first time in his life, he didn't want to. When she confessed, all he wanted to do was pull her closer, so close that there wouldn’t be space left for air between them, but the moment the thought passed through his head, he realized how his feelings for her had changed. So he ran, like he did eight years ago and like he’s been doing ever since.

Memories of the past rush back, and he blocks them before they can take over the hard-earned peace Keshav barely had a taste of.

He gets up from his bed and sends a message to Madhavan, who’s a native Tamilian from Ambur, asking for the notes of the last class. Madhavan sent a PDF copy, and Keshav sat down to take a look at it. He was so anxious about what Aadhira would say that he barely paid any attention to the lecture.

Keshav rolls a pencil in his finger, thinking about how he is going to behave with her from now on, though something tells him he doesn't have to worry about how to act around Aadhira, as she'll take care of it. It was the first time he’d ever had a real friendship with a girl, but it is best if it stays that way because he should never love her. He is incapable of that feeling, knowing how it could hurt people's lives and wipe out the existence of their happiness. He shakes his head and looks back at the notes, trying to concentrate. After a few minutes, he falls into a rhythm with reading and taking down the relevant points.

It was not until that evening, when Madhavan knocked on his door to ask if the notes helped or if he needed any pointers, that Keshav came out of that trance. It happens often—falling into a routine with studying. Whenever he feels like running, he doesn't actually run; he studies. He will study anything that's even minutely related to his academics. It helps him keep his distance from the world.

"I am fine. I was just going through the topics for the next class." Keshav replied.

"You're already going through the topics for the next class? How am I going to beat you, Keshav? Anyway, I am going to my room and will review the notes once more, and if I have time, I think I will look into tomorrow's topics too." He says this, smiling challengingly. He's a top scholar and one who is good-spirited. He doesn't like to lose, but he deals with it decently. Keshav turned around and was about to close the door when he heard people talking in the corridor about some fight that took place in front of the medical building. He wasn't interested in knowing irrelevant things, but it was the name of the person they were talking about that stopped him in his tracks.

He found himself leaning forward to hear what they were saying. He should not care, but he can't help.

"The girl is from our department. She literally fell into the fight." A boy Keshav recognizes from their section says, Another one I don't know nods his head. The former's name is Sravan or Srikar? They are talking about a fight. Keshav thought he heard her name, but maybe he heard it wrong. He took a step into the room when the other person's voice caught up to him.

"What was her name again?" the other one asks.

"She's Aadhira from Section 4. She's from 504." I don't remember his name, but it-starts with S,, and Keshav stops in his tracks. Aadhira. He said Aadhira's name, didn't he? Was she involved in a fight? Why am I hearing about it now? Keshav doesn't know what took over him at that moment as he rushed to change his clothes, sprinted out of his room, and then broke into a run.

It wasn't until he reached the girl's hostel that his pace slowed down, and he panted with one hand resting over his stomach. He pulled out his phone from his back pocket and called Aadhira.

"Hello?" The sweet voice of his tormentor signs off his lips with the faintest smile. This is one of the many things that Aadhira brings out in him: smiling at the silliest of things.

"Hey, Aadhira. Um, can you come down for a second? I am in front of your hostel building." He has a million questions, but first he must see her.

Keshav will never forget the ten minutes it took her to get down. He kept imagining her injured, battered, or beaten, and just imagining made his heart beat like an ambulance's siren. What if she bled? Ok, let us stop that thought right there. He felt they were the longest ten minutes of his life.

When Aadhira finally gets down, with not a scratch on her face, he releases a breath of relief as she approaches him. She looks completely confused and extremely surprised to even notice the kind of dreadful expression that paints his face. Even though she looks completely fine, he couldn't stop himself from holding her hand and turning it over in search of any possible injury.

"What's the matter, Keshav? What are you doing?" Keshav finds a scratch on her elbow, and he tenses.

"Nothing important," he mutters, his mind already occupied by her presence.

"What, nothing important'? You called me this late into the night, telling me, You're in front of the hostel building; of course, there must be something." She says she's looking worried. Worried about me? The thought never occurred to him that maybe, just maybe, she feels the same as he does. Of course, she said she likes him, but he couldn't take it seriously when she said it like it's the most common thing in the world to fall in love, which he would assure you is not. "Or do you have a habit of sneaking into girls' hostels at night?" She teases.

"No! Of course, I don't have any such habits. I was just worried about you. I heard someone talking about a fight that occurred at the medical building and that you were involved in it. So, I came to check on you."

"Oh! It's nothing. You see, I am completely fine." And then she makes a very weird face like a deer caught in headlights and says, "Wait a second. You don't listen to what other people talk about among themselves. Coming from you, you might as well be the least nosy one on the planet. How did you end up eavesdropping?"

Her question catches him off-guard. He wonders why he listened to their conversation at all.

"And you were worried about me?" she asks, hope lightening her eyes. "And you look like you were in a hurry to get here." She continues looking at his attire. At that moment, Keshav wanted to forget every inhibition for at least a second and tell her how he feels and that he doesn't want her to rethink anything. He wants to comfort her so badly that his palms feel itchy, and he restrains them from approaching Aadhira's soft skin. She is in her night clothes, which are a little too tight for his liking. She shouldn't go out wearing them. But what right does he have to say that, though? None.

There were a million things he could’ve said, like how much he cares for her and how he feels for her. Anything that's true and real, but all that comes out of that stingy mouth of his is "Never mind. I feel sleepy. So, I am going to head back to the room." Stupid mouth. Hearing the nonchalance in his voice, which is a façade, Aadhira's face falls, but instead of apologizing, he nods towards the hostel behind her and tells her to go back to sleep, and she leaves. He looks at her retreating back until she disappears into the building.

If only he could hold his tongue from spouting nonsense, stop his eyes from tracking her every movement, and restrain his heart from relentlessly running away, he could at least find some solace in this empty life of his.

It was as he was leaving that he realized just how deep his feelings are for Aadhira. Did he really fall in love?

***

A week later...

He woke up with a smile on his face. The thought of seeing Aadhira was both exciting and frightening. He never had to feel this intense case of nerves when he was waiting for someone because, in his life, waiting for someone either means they never come back or they never started to begin with. So, he had no expectations, hence no disappointment. Somehow, no matter how much he tried to stay hopeless, he was hopelessly curious about how today was going to be. With Aadhira, every day gets interesting, as she smiles at stupid things, then gets angry at the smallest of teases, and laughs like a crazy person for no reason. Just like a rainbow, full of unexpected colors. The thought draws a smile to his lips, and he tries hard to strip it down to a frown as he heads to his first class.

He was late to the class and didn’t see Aadhira. This was the only class they shared together. His overthinking self suggests some theories about how he made them awkward and how Aadhira would never talk to him again. Something about the thought made him flip out like a firecracker, and he desperately wanted to turn around and head back so he could check on her, but fear held him back—fear of being misunderstood, fear of giving her false hopes. He won't bother her, not when he is unsure about his feelings. Or hers, for that matter. She deserves nothing but the truest of loves, and he will hold back if he is not capable of giving her that.

After the class, unable to get his curiosity under control, he called her, and she answered on the fourth ring.

"Hey, why weren’t you in the class?"

"Actually, I am helping Amara with her project, and I have to go to the UB for my semester fee receipt. So, I won't be attending the first two classes today, and then I have my last class on the 9th floor. I may not be able to see you today. Or if you prefer, we can meet after the classes?"

"No. fine. See you tomorrow," he says curtly before he hangs up on her. It was such an amateur thing to do, but he can't get into this until he is sure this could work.

He told himself to be cool about it, but then he freaked out when she didn't call him back and he didn't find her waiting for him after the last class. He shouldn't care, but he couldn't even try to be casual anymore.

Aadhira always calls back when their conversation is not over, at least for her, and she always waits for him after classes, and now that she didn't, he feels unsettled about it. He took the lift to the 9th floor like he was pulled by her, and somehow it didn’t bother him that he was so affected by her silence.

As he got off the lift, his phone rang. He was planning to ignore it but checks the caller ID just in case it’s Aadhira, and his breath hitches at his father's name flashing on his phone. That was all it took to take away the ounce of confidence he ever had in sunshine and flowers. He moves to a corner, close to the wall, and places the phone to his ear.

"Hello." Keshav doesn’t greet him or ask about his well-being. He made it clear that he didn't intend to be a father when he left Keshav with his mom, who less than tried to raise him.

"Son."

"What is it?"

"I wanted to have a word with you." The man never called with good news. He was expecting a bomb, and he got it. "Your mom and I decided to get a divorce." There it was. The doomsday when Keshav’s parents finally get rid of each other. Keshav has been expecting this for a while now. Silence followed on the other side while he contemplated his reply. Keshav doesn't know what his father expects from him, but if he thinks Keshav is trying to talk him out of it, sadly enough, he won't.

Keshav is relieved that he no longer has to pretend to be a happy family in front of his grandfather. He doesn’t have to go back to that house, which had never been home to him. Yet, when Keshav was about to congratulate them on this news, his throat felt heavy. Whatever he planned on saying got stuck behind a wall in his head. It was the same wall he hid behind when bad things happened, the same wall he used to hide behind when his parents fought, and he desperately wished for things to get better. It was the same that was now shaking at Aadhira’s presence. Speaking of which...

Keshav turns his head to find that the class is emptying out and that Aadhira can appear at any moment. The thought of her seeing him now made him regret coming here. No. It's too soon. He turns his attention back to the phone, taking a deep breath.

"Right. Fine, is there something else you need to tell me?" He asks with an edge to his voice.

"No, I thought you'd better find it out from me before your mother calls you. I am hanging up then. Take care, son."

Bye," Keshav hangs up and realizes he was holding onto the phone too tight, squeezing it hard enough for his knuckles to turn white. In his childhood, he would've done anything to keep his parents together, but not now. He looks around to see if anyone is looking at him and sees Aadhira coming out of the class. She can't see him here, not like this. He shoves his phone into his pocket and joins the crowd to take the lift back down.

As the lift went down, Keshav Harshvardhan came to a conclusion. He loves Aadhira, he can't deny it, but he won’t let his love destroy the peace he can now feel with her. She deserves more than he can ever offer.

That was what Keshav decided that day, and it seemed fair enough at the time, but the future that awaits him tells otherwise. If only he knew how stupid he was to think he could stop himself. If only he knew how deep his love would grow with time, if only he knew how his efforts to keep her friendship destroyed his love.