INVADED SPACE (20)
Disclaimer: This chapter may be too heavy or triggering for some audiences and contains strong self-degrading words, I will advise you to read with caution. Also (“) this stands for a conversation with myself (a little soliloquy in the first half of the chapter) and (‘) this signifies a conversation within my thoughts. I Uploaded an extra chapter to make up for my long absence, I hope y'all will forgive me and thank you for always reading my book.
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Fei’s POV
“What is love?” I asked myself, staring at the ceiling of my dorm room. “How many forms does it take? How do you feel about Love? How is it supposed to be?”
I sighed, rolling over onto my side. “When asked to describe love, how would you do it?” I whispered to the empty room.
“Honestly, I don’t know the right answers to these questions,” I admitted. “I say ‘right,’ but I don’t even know if there is a right or wrong answer when it concerns love. In the end, you either let your heart decide or deal with it logically.”
I sat up, hugging my knees to my chest. “For me, love both made and broke me,” I said softly. “That’s why, when asked what love is, my answer is… love is a cunning emotion.”
“You may wonder why,” I continued. “Simply put, my carefully crafted bubble, designed to protect me from society, had holes in it, and the cause was none other than love.”
I stood up and walked over to the window, looking out at the night sky. “Love found its way into my heart and invaded my space, forcing me to face the reality of life that I wanted to ignore,” I said. “I began to feel emotions that I never knew I was capable of expressing. My path was clear and pure, but… love became an obstacle on my journey.”
“Why did I have to fall for him?” I asked the stars. “Love should have never entered my life because society told me I wasn’t fit for it.”
I turned away from the window and walked back to my bed, sitting down heavily. “The only love I knew was in fairy tales, where a girl like me could fantasize about it,” I said. “Day in and day out, all I heard was, ‘You’re fat; no guy wants a big girl; you’re beautiful if only you weren’t overweight,’ and so on.”
“All who approached me with words of love only wanted me under them,” I continued bitterly. “And those who didn’t just ask out of pity.”
“That’s why I closed my mind and heart to love and pulled myself out of reality, burying myself in my fantasies,” I said. “So why now? Why is love invading my space? Why am I falling for him? He’s not in my league. I’ll never be his type, not in a million years. But why can’t I stop these feelings from growing?”
“Every day is painful,” I whispered. “Seeing him smile at Mimi is irritating. Our paths shouldn’t have crossed. Why did I realize it too late? Why did it have to be after he showed interest in Mimi?”
“This is frustrating,” I said, tears streaming down my face. “My heart is broken even before I had the chance to accept it. My despair is stronger than ever before. Love, please stop invading my space… It hurts and stings… I feel my heart bleeding.”
“Please notice me!” I cried out. “Please reject me! Please help me get rid of these feelings. I’ve lost hope in love. Even if I receive sincere confessions, I can’t believe them anymore. It feels like mockery to me.” That night I cried myself to sleep and before my pain could sink in, it was already morning. I had to get up and prepare for school… how I wished I could sleep in or call in sick but it's impossible to do so.
As I walked to school, my mind began to wander. I found myself thinking about Mikael and the feelings that I had been struggling with. ‘I woke up looking strong and unbothered,” I thought to myself, “but deep within there’s turbulence stirring inside me. The walk to school feels heavier with every step I take. From afar, you might think maybe she’s exhausted or didn’t get much sleep, but that’s not it at all. I’m reluctant for different reasons.’
My thoughts continued to drift as the sounds of the city faded into the background. ‘But sadly,’ I thought, ‘I’m the only one who’s not being noticed even though I’m always the closest to him all the time. At first, I just wanted Mikael to realize my feelings and reject me so that I could move on. But he didn’t notice me at all. It was as if I was invisible. He could only see Mimi—someone who already had eyes for someone else.’
‘You see now how love works,’ I thought, kicking a pebble along the sidewalk. ‘ I’m forced to realize and accept my feelings for him but let go at the same time. Isn’t love sometimes so cruel? It worms its way into your heart like a seed planted in soil and with the right amount of sunlight, oxygen, water, and care; it flourishes into a beautiful flower or tree.’
‘I don’t believe in love at first sight,’ I thought, watching as a bird flew overhead. ‘ I believe in love that grows with time—the more time spent with the object of your affection, the more you continuously fall for them. Love is a gradual process—that’s why it’s hard for me to let go. I know it’s lame and I should build up the courage and confess my feelings to him but what can I do when I’m scared… not only from rejection but I don’t want to destroy our friendship. I hate for things between us to become awkward just because of my feelings.’
‘I tried distancing myself from him but that didn’t work—I developed a weak spot for him—I couldn’t bring myself to push Mikael away whenever he approached me—I tried pretending not to be in love but that backfired too—the worst thing is that he’s so kind, warm and considerate—he also feeds my curious mind with new and intriguing information. I love spending time with him. It is my favourite pastime.’
‘His voice causes ripples through my body,’ I thought, smiling despite myself. ‘I know it’s cheesy, but that’s how it makes me feel. Mikael is the perfect example of the kind of guy I wanted. I’m not really into looks or the physical part of a person. Sure, I love cute and beautiful things, but what I care about most when it comes to love is what’s within the person—the innermost part that’s not visible but can still be felt by others. It’s mysterious, isn’t it? That’s the part that attracts me most about a person.’ As I reached the school gates, my thoughts lingered on Mikael and the feelings that continued to grow within me.
As I sat in the classroom, my mind began to wander. I found myself thinking about Mikael and the feelings that I had been struggling with. ‘I wasn’t conscious of my type at first,’ I thought to myself. ‘But one look into Mikael’s eyes made me realize—the words that came to me were, ‘Ah! So that’s it; this is why I keep falling more and more in love each day. It’s scary, but I want to know more; I feel like I’m being pulled into nothingness, but I will gladly fall.’’
My thoughts continued to drift as the teacher’s voice faded into the background. ‘After that realization,’ I thought, ‘there was no turning back. My only option left was to somehow hold onto these feelings and mask them with a smile. I had to trick my mind into thinking that being by his side was enough. I had to be a friend who supports her friends’ decisions as long as they’re not harmful to him.’
I sighed, doodling absently on my notebook. ‘I didn’t want to confess anymore and kept it bottled in,’ I thought. ‘Mimi and Mikael were both my friends, and I care about them very much. I tend to care more about others than myself. I love taking care of others—I feel most satisfied when I allow my motherly nature to bloom. It isn’t always fun being around them, but for them, I was ready to make sacrifices even if it cost me pain and distress—I will endure.’ The bell rang, signalling the end of class, but my thoughts lingered on Mikael. ‘As much as I loved Mikael,’ I thought as I gathered my things, ‘I valued the friendship I had with both Mimi and him more than the feelings that were still growing in my heart.
Maybe someday, I will be able to confront it but now is not the time. After all, Mikael only showed interest—it may not necessarily be love just yet—I may still have a chance to confess when I become brave enough to accept his rejection—but for now, since I’m still uncertain about my feelings just yet—let’s put it off and focus on my books— it is the reason why I’m in high school in the first place.’
As I walked out of the classroom, my mind still lost in thought, I couldn’t help but wonder what the future held for me and Mikael.
(Word count: 1569.)
A note from the Author: I'm currently experiencing writer's block and also a migraine due to stress from my studies and school work, hence, I will be going on a hiatus until further notice. I need to take care of my health to keep writing good chapters for you my lovely readers. See you all soon. thanks once again for choosing to read my book. I appreciate you all. Love you all.