Deja Vu

A familiar sight welcomes me inside a familiar room.

I got up from the familiar soft bed and was wrapped under a familiar thick warm blanket.

It was a quiet and peaceful morning that woke me up from my deep slumber.

The sun barely lights up the room because of the window shade. The AC is releasing just the right amount of cool and clean breeze to relax my tensed body.

It is impossible for anyone not to doze off again after waking up in this kind of environment...

Unfortunately, that is not the case for me!

My head hurts!

It hurts so bad that it makes my eyes water whether I shut them close or open them up. It feels like my head is being sandwiched between two hard objects while slowly squeezing my skull tighter.

And tighter...

And tighter...

Even this pain is familiar.

This is the second time I felt this. It's the curse of getting drunk!

This is a hangover!

"Someone's awake," said a deep cold voice from the bedroom doorway.

"How did I get home... er here?" while rubbing my temple.

Ah, my head is spinning like crazy!

Gab ignores me and walks inside the room. He carefully placed a tray of food beside me and opened the lid of the small copper pot on it.

"Here, it'll help you with that hangover."

I smiled bitterly and took the tray.

"Thanks."

It is a seaweed soup and Korean seafood pancake and Kimchi.

I sipped the warm, savoury soup from the copper pot.

Hate to admit but I have a weak spot for Korean food despite being Filipino.

Both Asian, yes but Filipino cuisine is mostly influenced by Spanish culture.

Maybe it is because I got fascinated with the culture during my college days after watching too many Korean dramas.

I still love Filipino food though.

I equally love Korean and Filipino food.

"I know that I am in no position to get mad because you drank way beyond your limit last night but please don't do that again, especially when I am not around. Some guys might take advantage of you," he said

I can feel that he is sincere.

Why is he torturing me like this? Treating me good one second and breaking me the next!

"Well, don't you think you're being unfair?" I said bitterly without even throwing him a glance and continued sipping the soup, "Besides, I don't meddle with what you're doing so why meddle with mine?"

I can't lie, the soup really does hit the spot even though I am not in the mood to eat.

Gab takes my left hand and carefully slips the ring back to my ring finger. Our wedding ring.

"I already signed the divorce papers and just waiting for it to be granted". I just said and tried to take off the ring but he forbids me to do so.

"At least before then, you're still my wife."

If we were in a different situation I would probably melt in his arms right now but unfortunately, I find this gesture revolting.

How dare he act as if there is no big, giant, humongous elephant in the room!?

"Wife?" I scoff bitterly

Last night, after I managed to move my things out of our room my cell suddenly rang. It was Bryan's contact flashing on the screen.

It has been years since the last time I heard his voice. 5 years to be exact. The last time I saw him was when I told him that I was falling for Gab and I was going to marry him.

I quickly answered the call and he said that he was in the country. He wanted to meet me to celebrate my birthday.

I can't help but sneer. I didn't even remember that it was my birthday because I was so preoccupied with the thought of Gab and our crumbling marriage.

The marriage that had been taunting me these past few weeks.

Yes, weeks.

I already knew that my husband had been meeting with the love of his life behind my back. I even saw him with my own eyes while entering her apartment and I don't even have to smash the door open to know what the hell they are doing.

Why didn't I confront him?

I don't know either.

Maybe I was hoping that it was just one of the guy's thrill-seeking stages after being tied down and it'll soon be worn out eventually without the need of intervention...

Or perhaps I am afraid that he would choose her over me if I cornered him.

It turned out he would still choose her even if I kept my silence.

I went to the bar that Bryan told me, and there he was. Waiting.

I wore a darker shade of navy blue dress that hugged my body perfectly. I had only worn this dress once before when I was in college attending a party. Good thing that it still fits me like it was back in the day.

I also let my shoulder-length wavy black hair loose to match the dress.

As soon as I arrived, I got insecure about how I looked! Jeez! I feel like I am too old and too lame for a place like this.

I mean, I am only 27 but seeing these fresh meats partying around makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure.

I saw Bryan on the second floor near the balcony railings lifting a bottle of beer on his lips.

I quickly went upstairs and to my shock, Bryan was not alone at all. He was surrounded by his college friends; our friends; including my dear husband.

Gab was having a heated conversation with Bryan by the time I got near them.

I assumed that they were having a good time before I arrived like they always do until Bryan said something to irritate Gab.

The place might have ear-shuttering music pounding here and there but I know in my heart it was about me and Gab.

Gab said he did not want me anymore.

He said that he'd gladly hand me over to Bryan if he wished to.

Why on earth will he be handing me over? Is that how easily for him to let me go?

It hurts to know that he's still madly deeply in love with his ex-girlfriend but it hurts more to hear that he doesn't give a damn about me.

Was I just a rebound? The second option? The Plan B?

I saw Gab grab his phone from his pocket and it seemed that he was typing a text to someone. Then he got off his seat saying that he needed to get home to his woman while waiving his cell phone.

That's probably not me because I am here standing behind him and I am definitely not the one he texted.

Due to impulse, I quickly turned around and hung my head down so that he couldn't see me when he turned on my direction. Hoping that he wouldn't recognize me.

"I am sorry," Gab said when he bumped on my shoulder

I just nod my head down as a response that 'it is fine'.

He was probably so caught up with the idea of sharing the rest of the night with 'her' that he wasn't able to notice me when we bumped into each other.

He just headed down the stairs with that insincere apology.

Just the idea of Gab excitedly running towards Alison with a wagging tail and making love with her all night long makes my stomach churn.

I strode out of the crowd and headed straight to the washroom and locked myself inside a cubicle. I could feel my body trembling as I slumped myself down the cold tiled floor. I could not control my legs anymore. Then my tears started falling like raindrops.

I fished my phone out of my handbag and dialled Gab's phone number, hoping that he'd answer. Hoping that if he heard me crying he might change his mind about going to Alison. I maybe acted tough enough for him to think that I was not getting hurt every time he walked out of the house to see her. To touch her. To make love with her.

I know it is futile but I am desperate. I really am crazy for him. I can't live without him.

I don't care about my pride or my image anymore! I just want him by my side.

The phone started ringing, waiting to be answered on the other end. It rang and rang.

Every ringing sound felt like an eternity but I still waited until the familiar automated message played after.

"The number you have dialled is currently not available. Please try again later."

I got so annoyed by the fact that my call wasn't answered and it made my blood boil. My reasoning got clouded.

"Is this really how everything would end up for me?" I mumbled like a crazy person

The last time I broke out like this was a long time ago. I got so angry that I ended up walking the streets of Manhattan without either a scarf or jacket while the streets were covered with thick piles of snow.

Now I found myself smashing my phone down, stumping it down the floor.

When the phone was all mashed up I stormed out of the cubicle leaving its parts scattered all over.

I fixed my make-up in front of the mirror before I went out as if nothing happened.

I am not good at socializing that's why I find myself always alone. That's also the reason why I find painting suitable to my liking. I could just stay in my room for the whole day without needing to speak with anyone.

But I know that's not all true.

I love painting but not only because of solitude. I love painting because that is where I can truly express my real feelings. Every stroke of the brush and every color I smudge on the canvas is the personification of those feelings because I wasn't able to say them out loud and I don't think someone is interested in listening to them in any other form.

Honestly, I always thought if I locked myself away, my heart would be spared from breaking like my mother's heart after hopelessly fell in love with my dad. Turns out, I was right all along and I am so stupid for doubting it once because of those sweet empty words of love from Gab's mouth.

People tend to care only about themselves and that's how it has always been. It's nature. So when Gab told me he wanted to marry me that day was all about himself and I was so stupid to think that it was because of me.

Because he wants to make me happy and loved.

As soon as got out of the ladies' room I saw Bryan patiently standing in the hallway staring at something from the other side of the room like he always does.

It feels like I've seen this all before.

He sensed that I was staring at him and tilted his head towards my direction.

I walk towards his direction.

"Took you a while," he said smiling

I just ignored him and walked my way out of the bar.

"Where are going?" he asked and started tailing on me

"Home." I just said without stopping or even looking back.

I managed to squeeze my way out from the partying crowd and quickly exited the premises when Bryan caught up and yanked my right arm with his left hand which made me turn around and face him.

"C'mon now Ali. We haven't even talked yet. Where are you going?" he said almost sounding pleading

I quickly raise my left hand then sway it real hard and slap the hell out of him.

Bryan is shocked but so do I. I don't know why I slapped him but I can't stop myself either. I slap him again and again and again. I hit his face, his shoulder and any part of his body where my palm could land.

It may be a normal scene in front of a bar since no one dares to stop us or record us on video. Well, don't care if they did.

"How dare you do this to me?" I retaliated but he still didn't let go of my arm and remained unfazed. "You just disappeared for 5 years without any explanation. You're not answering any of my calls! No one can tell me where on earth you are! You cut me off! Now you come back, acting everything's swell and wanted to hang out AFTER pissing off my husband in front of me!?" I almost scream that it almost drains the remaining energy in my body and I end up panting.

Bryan just releases me and gives me a warm smile.

"Yeah, I missed you too," he just said and hugged me.

He hugged me tight and long that made tears fall from my eyes.

After that, we decided to go to a Korean barbeque house.

We ordered the Korean pork belly and wagyu beef strips to be grilled on our table together with some side dishes like radish kimchi and some veggies to wrap the cooked meat. We also have 2 different types of dips, one is just plain sesame oil with salt and the other one is sweet tangy dark soy sauce. To wash off the grease from our mouths Bryan ordered a bottle of soju but I insisted on trying the soju bomb.

A soju bomb is just a shot of soju; together with its jigger; being dropped in a half-full glass of ice-cold beer but the way it is done was so cool.

Bryan and I shared the delicious food and drinks with stories of what happened to our lives these past 5 years.

Well, he's the one who does all the talking and I just listened because there's no way in hell I am going to tell him how miserable I am right now after what I've done to him.

Unlike me, Bryan pursues art in a very interactive way. He travels across the globe for his pieces. Most of them are breathtaking landscapes and sceneries. While the others are from subjects that he finds interesting like his best-selling piece; the 'Street Performer' which is a painted picture of a girl who's performing in the street of London. And he now also owns an art gallery in New York under his name. He has a great life and I can't help myself feeling envy.

"Well, it is good to hear that you're not struggling with your life," I said with the most sincere smile I could give.

Yes, I envy his success but I am truly happy for him because he deserves it way more than I do. Come to think of it, maybe this is my karma for breaking his heart.

I can't remember if I finished my second glass of that burning yet refreshing liquor but I do remember Bryan carrying me on his back.

I distinctly remember asking him, "Why didn't you stop me when I told you about Gab?" As if asking him that may change anything and I don't know where I got the courage to ask him such a question.

Maybe because of the alcohol in my system or maybe the nostalgia that wreaks havoc in my being.

He took a deep breath.

"Because I love you Alice." he said in a very calm voice, "and I still do."

I was dumbfounded about how he said those words without any inhibition even though it wasn't the first time I heard him say those words but because this is the first time I really listened to him.

"So why? If you really love me, you should have stopped me. You should have... You should have..." my voice started breaking as my tears started dripping heavily, "you should have fought. You shouldn't just let go and let me marry someone else."

"If I did, would have chosen me then?"

I feel like a bucket full of ice was just poured over my head. Come to think of it, Bryan is the one who's always with me even before Gab enters my life. He's the one always been good to me, unlike Gab who never noticed me before Alison broke up with him. How could I rant about him letting me go where I am the one who never took his hand?

If only I could turn back the time, I should have just picked Bryan rather than Gab.

"Don't overthink it, Ali. I am happy that I still have you even just a friend." he said when he noticed my silence, "I also apologize for teasing Gab a while ago. You must've been hurt because of what I did."

I shook my head lightly that lies on his shoulder.

Bryan probably didn't know anything that happened between me and Gab but like he always does; he's right beside me when I am at my worst. It must've been fate that brought him here to me and I will not ignore this second chance to be truly happy.

"I signed a divorce paper this morning."

Bryan halted when he heard those words.

I know that I am being selfish. Of all the people in this world, I should be the one to know how hard it is to accept that you are just being used. How painful it is to be a rebound.

But...

Can't I be selfish for once? I am so sick of feeling sorry for myself. I am so tired of trying my best to understand those people whom I hold dearly in my heart but don't take any regard for what I think or feel.

From my parents who left me after failing their marriage...

And now my husband, who dumped me because of his ex-girlfriend.

I can't take it anymore!

Bryan started walking again until we reached his black Ford Ranger. He opened the door on the passenger side and carefully lowered me down. He even helps me sit comfortably before he leans over to lock my seatbelt onto the chair.

He kept his silence as I kept mine.

I don't know what he's thinking right now.

It may be because of the alcohol or he just not letting me read him right now unlike before. When he was like an open book for me to read anytime.

It feels like he's behind a huge wall right now.

I wanted to talk to him but my voice got stuck in my throat. The cat got my tongue.

When Bryan finally secured my seatbelt and made sure that I was comfortable with my seat, he shut the door on my side and then went to the driver's side. He hopped inside and put on his seatbelt quietly and then inserted the key into the keyhole.

The silence between us shattered when he sighed heavily.

He removed his fingers from the car key and looked at me.

"I hope you prepared yourself for what's about to happen." he said and held the key again.

He twisted his wrist and started the engine.

"This time, I will never let you slip away." he declared and drove off.

That was the last thing I remember.

Now, here I am on our bed, I mean formerly, fighting against hangover and Gab.

I hate being lightweight!

"Yes. You're still my wife, right?"

Gab put away the copper bowl from my lap and clasped both of my hands. He even positioned his hands where I could see that he still wears our wedding ring. "I know I messed up, especially yesterday but why do you have to move out?"

I snatch my hand back from his grip, "I don't understand why you are being like this but I am not in the mood to have THIS conversation or ANY conversation with you right now. My head is spinning like crazy so if you could just leave me alone, it'll be great," I said lazily, "And what are you talking about me moving out? I am not moving out. This is my house."

I guess I am still drunk since I was able to have a decent conversation with him and tolerate his freaking presence.

"You took off all your things from our closet yesterday," he explains

"Ah..." I scratch the tip of my eyebrow, "Yes, I did remove my things from the closet yesterday." I said then threw a vague smile, "Why? I'm not a prisoner here, right?"

Gab just stare at me and I can't see what he's thinking but it feels like I see those gaze before I just don't remember when and where or with whom.

So he noticed my things being removed? Is he upset because of that? Why would he be upset?

Why can't he just continue being a heartless jerk who dumps his wife for his mistress like he was yesterday? Why would he act like I meant something to him?

He cringed his eyebrows and throws me a terrifying sharp gaze, "So you're planning to move out all along?" he grits through his teeth

"Well yeah," I scoff, "I mean, definitely not now but you know, eventually, probably three months from now or maybe sooner. We talked about it yesterday haven't we?"

"Then why the hell did you pack your things already!?" still with his sharp gaze

"Are you expecting we will be sharing this room after what happened yesterday?" I sneered, "Besides, we haven't shared a bed for months now so what's the big deal about moving my stuff?"

I spring out from the bed.

He was astounded as if I literally slap on the face.

I forced myself to keep my balance even though my vision was still a little wary because of the hangover.

"Alice wait."

He grabbed my elbow from the back and I almost lost my balance because of that.

"What?" I rolled my eyes lazily at him, "Please, I already told you I am not in for a conversation right now, let alone an argument, so if you could just let go--"

I wasn't able to finish what I was about to say because of what Gab did.

Gab just pulled me closer to him and kissed me.

Yes. He kissed me.

It wasn't just a simple touching of the lips. It was a mind-blowing kind of kiss that made my knees weak.

Literally weak.

I almost fell on my back if he hadn't wrapped his left arm around my waist and his right hand on the back of my head to pull me closer.

I push him with all the strength I have left but he won't budge.

What the hell is wrong with him? I need to get out of here pronto!

Gab started pushing his tongue and invading my mouth as if it were searching for something inside.

I know I should not give in but my body started to move without my consent as if I am being controlled.

Then the doorbell started ringing.

Gab's grip on me loosens a bit.

This is my chance!

With the little strength I could muster, I pushed his shoulder and it worked. I am finally able to free myself from his arms.

I have been saved by the bell... Literally.

I know if I stayed a second longer in that cursed kiss I would melt in his arms again like the pathetic person I am.

That is the least I wanted right now because I know I won't be able to let go of him if I give in.

"I'll get it." I just said and went out of the room without waiting for his response

I almost tripped on my own feet rushing down the stairs on my way to answer the door.

I was surprised when I saw the person on my doorstep after opening the door.

"What the fuck are you doing here!?" growls Gab whose standing at the lowest step of the staircase

"Good morning," Bryan said ignoring Gab