Chapter Eleven

"Can we talk?" Kevin asked when Heather answered the door, looking surprised to see him. She hadn't known he was back from Brighton already, they hadn't arranged to meet up and there was no korfball.

"Yeah of course," she said, stepping aside to let him in.

"No, ehm… can we go for a walk?" he asked now. He couldn't do this inside, with her parents nearby; he needed space to move and fresh air to think.

"Sure," she nodded uncertainly, taking in his expression. It must have been the first time where she couldn't read his mood, and it made her nervous. She grabbed her light jacket and followed him out. She lived just around the corner from Viking Bay, so they headed past the bandstand and took the stairs down onto the beach. It was fairly quiet out; it was a Sunday evening and it looked like it might start raining, so they were the only people there besides a few dog-walkers. "How was your weekend?" she asked slowly, trying to fill the silence.

"Alright… do you remember much of Friday night?" Kevin asked her, getting a confused look back.

He hadn't been there so how come he was asking her about whether or not she remembered her birthday celebrations? She started to shake her head, until she remembered going through her phone contacts and ringing him. She nodded slowly. "We talked on the phone," Heather said.

"Do you remember what about?" At this she shook her head. He sighed. If she didn't know what she'd said, then maybe he should let it rest. But then, if that was truly how she felt, he needed to set her straight as soon as possible. "You said you felt like six years ago," Kevin slowly said. Her green eyes widened in shock. "Do you really? Or was it just the alcohol?" he asked now. Again, she was about to shake her head, but Heather realised she couldn't keep lying to herself and nodded, not looking up at him. She heard him sigh, so she peaked a glance. One hand was rubbing his face before going through his hair, his eyes closed as he thought about what needed to be said. "I'm sorry Heather," Kevin eventually said, finally opening his eyes again. Her heart faltered as her breathing caught in her throat when she realised the meaning behind those simple words. For the first time ever, he was rejecting her… and it was the worst pain she'd ever felt. "Oh…" was all she could say, struggling not to let the tears escape. She couldn't let him see her fall to pieces.

He looked at her helplessly. "I know you were my first girlfriend, my first kiss, my first time, my first love, and I know I was yours too. And while I will always love you in one way or another, I can't do it to Stephanie. She's been really patient with me, and she deserves better… more from me. After a year and a half of watching me trying to get over you, she deserves better," Kevin tried to explain his predicament, but she hardly heard it.

"It's okay," she numbly responded, hugging herself to brace against the cold, some of it real, some of it coming from inside. As if her body had predicted it, it started raining a bit, spitting more than anything.

'My whole life, waiting for the right time. To tell you how I feel. And though I try to, tell you that I need you, but here I am without you.'

"If you want, we can still be friends. I'll leave that up to you," he added now, getting a small nod in response. "If Bianca's got things planned for the group, we can still both go," he said slowly, receiving another nod.

'I feel so lost but what can I do?'

Kevin sighed again. "I really am sorry…. Heaven," using her nickname one last time. At this, some tears finally evaded her control and started down her cheeks as the rain heavied. He made to give her a hug, but he couldn't bring himself to do it, not sure he could control himself not to do any more or be able to let go, so he touched her arm briefly before he turned to leave.

'We say goodbye in the pouring rain. And I break down as you walk away.'

Heather managed to keep herself together for a further two minutes, before her knees gave way and she landed in the sand, her arms still hugging her chest.

'Stay, stay.'

Her shoulders racked as the tears now freely flowed.

'Coz all my life I've felt this way, but I could never find the words to say. Stay, stay.'

As she cried, she knew it wasn't just the pain of today coming out. It was everything that her heart had kept hidden from when she broke up with him three years ago.

'Alright, everything is alright. Until you came along. And before you, I had nowhere to run to, nothing to hold on to. I came so close to giving it up. And I wonder if you know, how it feels to let you go.'

Kevin turned when he reached the top of the stairs and looked down at the beach. His heart broke when he saw how badly she was crying and his feet had already taken three steps down before his head stopped them.

'We say goodbye in the pouring rain, and I break down as you walk away. Stay, stay. Coz all my life I've felt this way. But I could never find the words to say. Stay, stay.'

This was best in the long run, for both of them, and he had to let her get it all out. If he turned back now, he knew he'd take everything back that he'd just said and get them both in trouble. He could almost feel the little piece of his heart that was her float through his chest and he knew it wouldn't ever heal. He would just have to live with it, as he had been for the past three years. Kevin gave her one last look and turned away.

'So change your mind, and say you're mine. Don't leave tonight. Stay. We say goodbye in the pouring rain, and I break down as you walk away. Stay, stay.'

Heather didn't know how long she cried, and she barely noticed the rain as it pounded down on her, heavier by the minute. She'd felt cold already anyway.