Chapter Ten

Her mouth hung open for a solid five seconds before she closed it again, her courage giving out.

"Alice?"

"I think I should get back," she said. "I want to go home."

"Of course," he said. "I'll drive you back. Do you need a sweater or anything? Something to cover yourself?"

"Yes, that'd be nice."

"Let's head in then," he said and they walked towards the sliding doors. The front door was wide open and it was clear that Leonard had left again to escape from his father. Keanu disappeared into his room and reemerged later with an oversized sweater in his hands, passing it to her. She took it from him and wore it, the hem falling close to her knees.

"Thank you."

"Let's go."

She nodded. When she reached home, she immediately went to her room and locked the door behind her. She jumped onto the bed and covered her face in a pillow as the tears streamed from her eyes and moistened the pillow covers. The shame rocked through her body and she had so many thoughts running in her mind that it was hard to think normally. Most of her thoughts were curses at herself and she felt like she had made one of the worst mistakes in her life.

When the day turned to night, she opened her eyes and realised she had fallen asleep. She came out to the living area and saw dinner ready for her to eat. Her mother heated up the food for her and watched as she ate, and as her state of mind calmed down, she started to tell herself that she wasn't at fault, but she was still unable to shake the feeling of guilt off.

It took another year before she truly felt okay. By then, she had patched things up with Leonard. He had apologised for what he did and she wanted to give him a second chance because she remembered the good times, and not just the mistakes he made. Things went well with them after his apology, though there were times she pictured herself breaking up with him. When that happened, she always talked herself out of it in the end because some part of her feared the outburst he might have in response to her decisions.

Even while she lived in slight fear of him daily, she still loved him with all her heart because she knew he had a good soul deep down. So as her birthday drew nearer, she decided to having a small celebration with family members only. She wanted to celebrate it at Leonard's place and her heart pounded with excitement as the date approached because they promised her that they would play card and board games all night.

But when it came to her birthday and she was at Leonard's, she found him nowhere to be found. She rang him, and he picked up to let her know that he was on the way and busy at the moment, but he couldn't tell her with what. As the night progressed and her parents began a movie in order to pass the time while they waited for Leonard, she called him more times. But he stopped picking up after a while so she left the pool area, returning to the living area and taking a seat at the dining table, her heart heavy with a weight that seemed to have been placed on her chest.

Keanu was sitting at the table with her. "Is he coming?"

Her eyes were still downcast. "I don't think so."

"What is he doing?"

"He just said that he was busy," she said. "But he wouldn't tell me with what."

"Before I saw him leaving, he told me that he was meeting up with some of his friends at an arcade. That's probably where he's at."

"But why? It's my birthday," she said, glancing at the door.

"He celebrated his birthday a month ago, and now that he's finally legal, he's been doing some things more boldly."

She sighed. "I feel…"

"Dejected?"

"Yeah," she said as she glanced at the door again. "I was hoping to have some bonding time with everyone and I expressed my excitement to him repeatedly before today. I don't know why he didn't care."

"Don't let him ruin your birthday. The night is still not over, we could play those games you wanted to."

"It's okay, it's not the same without him," she said. Silence hung in the air for a while as she continued staring at the marble of the table. She traced her fingers across the patterns as her heart swelled with emotions. A tear slid down her cheek and she took a sharp inhale. "I just - I just wish…"

But she couldn't say the words.

"Take your time," Keanu said.

"I just wish I was worth more to him, you know? I wish he could understand how much I love him and I wish he loved me back with the same energy. But whenever I talk to him, it's like I'm talking to a stranger. And when I laugh with him, I feel like I'm out of my body and not in the present moment. I don't get it."

"Have you considered that your relationship with him might have run its course?"

"I don't know," she said. Then she lifted her head towards the door, and stared hard at it for a long time before she stared at Keanu. "He's not coming, is he?"

"I'd love to tell you different," Keanu said. "But no, he's not coming."

"Honestly, I wish…" she said before pausing. Keanu waited in silence for her as another tear escaped from her eyes. She rubbed it quickly away, as if she was ashamed of even crying.

"What do you wish?"

"Honestly, sometimes I wish Leonard was you."