Chapter Four

Entry

I want to cry but held it in because I don't deserve that release. I deserve to be beaten. Verbally, that is. Although my mind does wander…

I suppose this is better than feeling hated by everyone. I suppose I'm lucky to not want to kill myself. I suppose I'm lucky to have some family. I suppose that my feelings are meaningless because there's one thing good in my life, that I am alive.

I thought you said you wouldn't cry.

Phoenix

--

A stream of light beaming into Phoenix's eyes jarred her awake. She sat up and looked around the room, checking if her thoughts and her were alone.

"Damn," she said, rolling off her bed and onto the cold ground. She felt like she'd just fallen asleep.

A banging at her door shattered the silence.

Phoenix picked up her thoughts, wiped her eyes, and swung the door open to Lucas. His eyes were squeezed shut with a mighty smile.

"Morning!" he said.

"Good morning, Lucas."

Lucas' eyes opened and he flinched back. "What happened to your face?"

Phoenix leaned forward and whispered like it was a secret. "I fought a huge dragon, wings as wide as the streets are long, and I ended up taking some of his gold."

"I'm not stupid," Lucas said, "I know what sarlasim is."

"It's 'sarcasm'," Phoenix winked.

"But are you okay?"

"Lucas, I promise, I'm fine."

Lucas opened his mouth but Phoenix's stomach eating itself alive interrupted their conversation.

"Let's get some food," Phoenix smiled, leading them into the kitchen.

The kitchen was tiny, with a place to store food, a water bucket, and a small table with four chairs. The windows always rattled in the wind, the paint on the walls chipped, and for the life of her, she could not get rid of the musty smell.

Lucas' sandy hair glowed in the morning light. His eyes sparkled in a way only innocence could as he looked up at her- like a question rested on his tongue. Phoenix walked to where they kept their food, but her face fell at the emptiness greeting her hunger. Right, she ate all the food last night.

"Bird?" Lucas asked.

"Yes, Lucas?" Phoenix glanced down at him.

"I'm hungry."

"Most people are when they wake up," she snapped back.

Eyes widening, Phoenix winced, realizing she hadn't put her child filter on. Lucas saw the opportunity and used his youthful charm to forge his face into a sculpture of pure sorrow.

His eyebrows scrunched; his lips wobbled. There was even a single tear dangling like an ornament upon the rim of his eye. It was fake, Phoenix knew that face, it was the face he used to guilt Cole into more play time or earn extra attention from Daisy.

"I'm sorry, I'm just a little tired," Phoenix said. "Why don't you decide what the family should get for breakfast. Pick anything you want. I stole gold from a dragon, remember?"

From black to white, Lucas' face morphed into genuine joy as he yelled between jumps,

"Pancakes! Pancakes! Pancakes!"

Phoenix smiled. They hadn't had pancakes for a while, so it would be a nice treat. And the Pancake Palace was on the way to the train station, so she could go straight to work after.

"Okay," she agreed. "You go wake our brother. I'll take on Daisy."

"Good luck with that," Lucas flashed a smile as he took off to complete his mission, eyes on the pancake prize.

Daisy and Cole were always the difficult ones to wake up. Turning around, Phoenix headed for the only door on the left-hand side: Queen Daisy's grossly decorated room. Daisy found anything she could from the street and turned it into something presentable. That included flowers she pressed in books to flatten out, and colored glass bottles to line her window shelf.

Slowly pushing the door open, light illuminating the rainbow of glass beyond, Phoenix whispered, "Daisy?"

No response. Phoenix wished Daisy woke up earlier, but she was only fifteen and needed sleep to grow. Food was equally important, though. Moving toward her slumbering body, Phoenix gently shook Daisy's shoulder and repeated, "Daisy?"

An audible groan sounded. Progress.

"Daisy, it's time to eat."

"Eat what? I checked yesterday, how can you call a single stale slice of bread and cheese 'taking care of us?'"

Phoenix wanted to scream and remind Daisy that she was the only one working, but Daisy was right about Phoenix's overall inability to properly take care of everyone.

"We're going out for pancakes," Phoenix said.

With that, Daisy bolted upright and stood on her bed. Her thin legs jumped, and her long, curly hair bounced as she sang, "I have the best sister ever!"

Her eyes caught on Phoenix's arms, then dragged up her face, and she scowled. "Where are those bruises from?"

"I participated in the Tournament of Crowns yesterday," Phoenix told her.

Daisy gave her the nastiest glare, going so far as to stick her head out and cross her arms over her chest. "And you didn't tell me?"

"I didn't want to stress you out. How about I buy you a new dress with the prize money to make up for it?" Phoenix asked.

Daisy smiled freely and jumped off her bed to give Phoenix a hug. Leaning in close, Daisy whispered, "I'm only forgiving you because you came home okay."

Then, Daisy pushed Phoenix out of her room to change, and Daisy's soft blue eyes were replaced with a door in Phoenix's face.

Okay, focus. Phoenix gently shut her own bedroom door to collect her thoughts. Inhale, one, two, three, stable. Good. After changing into her uniform, making sure the purple jacket was straight and every golden button looped into its proper slot, Phoenix walked back out to the kitchen.

Cole itched inside his ear while shaking his head in annoyance.

"How bad was it?" Phoenix asked Cole.

"He jumped on top of me for two minutes straight before sticking his wet finger in my ear," Cole distastefully recalled how Lucas woke him.

Giggling into her hand, Phoenix patted Cole on the back in condolence and moved toward the front door.

In the daylight, Cole's figure was more visible. His leanness accented his gloomy persona, as did his dark hair, hair that stood out from the rest of the blonder family. His eyes were darker, too, although they still carried the family's blue heritage.

Phoenix sent him a smile and a wink, and he dropped his head to the floor as though annoyed at her affection. But Phoenix knew he was hiding a smile.

Daisy was up, and Lucas ready to go. Cole was smiling in the morning, and Phoenix felt a weight lift off her shoulders. Everything was going smoothly. With that suspicious thought, Daisy, wearing her usual yellow dress that was becoming too small for her growing figure, came parading into the main room and marched right past Phoenix and into the streets.

"Family," Daisy announced, "to the Pancake Palace!"

She led the way, a dutiful Lucas marching next to her, while Cole and Phoenix walked together a step behind. It was surprisingly hot for a spring day, and the streets were hideously muddy from last night's rainfall.

"Cole," Phoenix said while trudging in her boots through the mud, "how was everything at home yesterday?"

He shrugged. "Lucas and Daisy are always harder to put to sleep when you are not home, but I got it done. They stayed up extra late to see if you'd come home, even though I told them you had a longer day at work than usual."

"I think they sensed your anxiety and wanted to comfort you."

"I'm not that easy to read."

"Yes, you are," Phoenix laughed. "Like right now, you're annoyed." She stared at his wrinkled brow.

"The point is," Cole relaxed his face, but his tone shifted to something serious, "I think you should take some time off work and take a break."

No, that wouldn't do.

"Cole, we need a steadier flow of money. I can't participate in the Tournament ever again, no contestant can. Daisy is growing out of her clothes and Lucas needs to know how to read more difficult books. We need cupboards with food in them and a home that we can feel secure in, where our siblings can grow up selfishly enough to do what they want rather than what they must."

A frown gripped Cole. "So you're saying that you'll keep working, even though you just won the Tournament."

"Yes," Phoenix hesitated, "but I was wondering if you could work, too."

A prolonged silence hung in the air. She looked back and realized that Cole had stopped walking altogether, his gaze trained on his feet.

"No. You know how hard it is to find a job, let alone a part time job. The only reason you're in the guard is because you couldn't find a job here. Plus, someone needs to stay behind and be with Daisy and Lucas."

Phoenix sighed, knowing it was true. Even still, he should look for any opportunity. "It would be a great help-"

"No," Cole declared firmly, unwavering. "You know why I can't join the Guard."

Talk to him. This was a great opportunity to talk to him about that night.

Before Phoenix could form the proper words, Cole marched right past her and caught up with the siblings. Times like now, Phoenix felt an incredible desire to just go mute, leave issues between the lines.

Cole put on a smile and weaved his fingers with Lucas', swinging their arms back and forth. Laughing together, the three siblings took the next right.

A memory flashed.

Mom, teaching Phoenix how to swing her left foot just as powerfully as her right. Going home and showing Cole she finally learned the move he used on her yesterday. Fighting it out and guessing what mom would teach Cole tomorrow before they switched; one staying home with the siblings while the other went with mom to work.

How did things end up like this? Cole and Phoenix were supposed to join the Guard together, take over for mom so she wouldn't be charged with working in the guard with kids under her name. The Tournament was going to be mom's last fight.

And it was her last fight, but for all the wrong reasons.

Phoenix rubbed her guard badge in her pocket. Her eyes focused on how Daisy and Lucas fought over who could hold Cole's hand. Cole shook his head and moved between them, offering one hand to each sibling.

"Ouch, Daisy! Why would you ask for my hand and then do that?" Cole cursed, releasing her hand.

Phoenix smiled- Daisy probably grabbed Cole's wrist and squeezed too tight. Phoenix's smiled died. It was the day after winning the Tournament mom was subject to a surprise check regarding her parental status.

Phoenix looked up and saw the train station that would take her to work later, take her through the same journey as mom. The day after was all it took. And Cole. Cole went with mom to work and saw her arrested. All Phoenix knew for sure was that Cole hid as mom was escorted to the palace.

Cole waited for mom to come back so they could go home. Waited until the sun set. Waited until the sun rose. Waited until realization sunk in.

Phoenix knew, because she had waited too.

Waited with Lucas and Daisy for the rest of the family to come home. Executions were usually done in front of the public, but the council didn't even bother with mom. They just wanted her dead.

Phoenix remembered just being happy Cole came back at all.

Why were these thoughts plaguing her again? Closing in at the end of the street, the family stopped in front of the Pancake Palace, eyes wide in anticipation. Phoenix must not have been as hungry as them, because a scowl tugged her lips at the place before them. The word Palace was misleading, as the shack looked smaller than their already dwarfed home. This shack too, was built on stilts, with a small, crooked, wooden staircase leading up through an open door.

Stepping into the Pancake Palace, a loose floorboard creaking underneath her feet, Phoenix looked around. Inside was a single room with a small counter supporting a bell. As she walked up to the counter, she found herself worrying about the building tipping over in the wind. The bell rang and Phoenix swallowed down any more memories popping up.

A sorrowful man with a wistful look and a full long white beard walked up to the counter. She could only guess what this man had been through, only to serve some pancakes.

"How can I help you?" His voice was raspy, like sandpaper scratching the back of her mind.

"How much for a pancake?" Phoenix asked.

"Two bronze each."

"Eight pancakes, please." Reaching into her pocket, she took out some prize money and placed it on the mold-flourishing counter. Eight pancakes for the four of them. They should buy more food elsewhere.

The man reached below the counter.

"Order up," he said.

The pancakes were soggy, wet, and looked like lumps of uncooked dough. If they were edible, anything would do. Although the bubbles popping out of the pancakes made Phoenix question even that.

"Thanks," she mumbled, the only word she could think of as she suppressed a gag after catching a whiff of the man's scent.

Phoenix took a moment to thank the water they could afford to wash themselves more regularly than most Lowlanders.

"Let's eat outside," she told the family.

Everyone shuffled back the way they came, Lucas and Daisy pushing each other forward in a race. Once outside, Phoenix noticed a hint of salt in the air- it would be the rainy season soon, meaning showers like last night would become a common occurrence.

"I got two for everyone," Phoenix declared, passing her siblings their share of food.

"Bird, can I have more than two?" Lucas asked. "Please?"

Phoenix sighed and checked her food. Lucas was growing, he needed more food than she did. So, she handed over one extra pancake to Lucas and one to Daisy.

"What about you?" Daisy asked, noticing the unfair split-up.

"I'm not hungry," Phoenix replied quickly, ready to move on to the next subject.

"We just got more money Bird, why don't we splurge a little?" Daisy asked.

"Because Bird has a hard time ever relaxing," Cole joked half-heartedly.

"Because," Phoenix pushed, "I can eat at the training grounds when I get to work. There's no reason to waste money on myself."

The mention of work killed everyone's spirits.

Phoenix turned so she faced Cole so her back was to Lucas and Daisy. She reached into her pocket and placed the prize money into his hand. Cole's navy eyes became cloudy. "Take care, okay?"

He nodded slowly but didn't move.

"You have to come back," his voice wavered.

"Of course I will."

She met his stare, held it. Meant it.

"I'll be waiting." Cole left the other half unsaid.

Phoenix lifted her chin. "I'll come back."

Cole nodded. "Let's go home Daisy and Lucas."

"Does Bird really have to leave right now?" Worry wrinkled Daisy's soft face.

"She needs to go to work," Cole responded, tucking the money into a secure pocket, and putting a hand on Daisy's pale shoulder to keep her from arguing. She knew to be quiet. Lucas, cute as he was, had a fixed face of pure sorrow.

"When will you be home?" Lucas cried.

"I'll be back just after you fall asleep," Phoenix promised while brushing her fingers through his hair.

Combing his own dark hair back, Cole took his siblings' hands and started walking back home. Phoenix watched each step they took. From the way Cole's stride slowed down for Lucas to keep up, to how Daisy put a little too much swing in her hips to act like an adult.

Just before they turned a corner and disappeared, Daisy swiveled her head and gave Phoenix a quick wink.

"Good luck," Daisy mouthed before disappearing with her brothers.

Left standing by herself, Phoenix froze.

She'd see them again.

With that determined, Phoenix made her way to the train station, the image of her family imprinted in her mind.

A crowd slowly enveloped Phoenix as she headed for the spider of her city, mentally preparing for work. The guard wouldn't figure out Phoenix had kids under her name, she was careful when taking over mom's connections. She learned from mom's mistakes.

Shivering silently, Phoenix closed her eyes and thought of her family. Her mental rock, Cole. Her stubborn princess, Daisy. And her hope, Lucas. Only after remembering who she was and who she fought for was she ready for work.

"For you, Daisy," Phoenix whispered to herself as the train station came into view. "And the well-being of our brothers."