Chapter Twenty-Seven

!!TW!! Self-Harm

Entry:

It's my fault, my fault for it all. 

The first punishment: Strangulation by my own hands. It left no marks. Not to kill myself, but just to feel the air leave my body. I must leave my body. 

Second try: A single, sharp, deep bite in my arm. It left a bruise.

I should have done better, I had one job and I failed. I am a failure. 

Third: seven cuts on my left and right forearms. Marks that will scare. I need a scar. 

The oozing blood trickled down my arm, dripping onto the floor, pooling at my feet and staining my flesh. I deserved punishment. Birds were chirping in the background and a smile spread on my face. How good it felt to discipline myself! I did the slices in groups of one or two, and every time I was terrified. 

Strangulation? Biting? Okay. The familiarity of a knife? Absolutely horrid. So of course I continued slicing - I cannot let fear control me, right? I licked the blood. Gagged. Licked it again and told myself to get over it. Every time the sting of the wound zinged my flesh, all I had to do was think of that night. Pain is nothing compared to that night.

Phoenix.

--

  The eve of the heist thundered into the family's lives like a train screeching to a stop. They spent the last week refining the plan, scoping out the environment, gathering supplies, and subduing each other's doubts. Phoenix's mind ate itself- what if they got caught, injured, died--

She took a sharp inhale and a calming exhale. Something would inevitably go wrong, so it was a matter of dealing with it properly- everything was perfectly manageable. Tomorrow would be the day of planned havoc. Tomorrow, Phoenix would thrive in the chaos. 

Phoenix sat up from bed. Stared at the wall. She wanted to see Cole, be assured, be hugged.

But her family had gone to sleep early in anticipation, bellies full of their favorite foods (Cole finished all the fruit, much to Phoenix's complaint). That meant Daisy and Lucas were in Cole's room. Phoenix's buzzing nerves would only stress her family out, she couldn't join them, they had to know that everything would be okay. And everything would be okay because they had a good plan. 

Phoenix's hair kept itching on her face and her head couldn't find a comfortable position on her pillow and she couldn't stop tossing and-

Her body demanded sleep, but her mind made comfort impossible. Eventually, Phoenix surrendered to her mind and dragged herself to the library. Cold darted up her bare feet as she crept through the dark halls with an anxious heart and rapid breath, calm down, please, this wasn't helping. 

Phoenix's fists tightened and her mouth hiccupped. Not good. She moved to the windows for a glimpse of the outside. Perhaps she could see the glowing stars, the moon reflecting on resting windows as a gentle wind ruffled the green grass below, home to nestling creatures of the night, and find tranquility. 

No. Everything outside was pitch black. Phoenix forced another stabbing intake of breath. It would be okay, the family had put a lot of preparation and thought into the plan, it would work. Phoenix was doing something good, so everyone was going to work. Right?

"Phoenix?" a smooth voice from behind called.

She swiveled in surprise. Phoenix frowned when the Prince's pale features greeted her, his white suit and features seemed to glow in the darkness of the library. Confusion crossed Phoenix's face when he didn't have his usual smile on. Instead, he looked cold. His eyes were narrow, and he had called her by her real name. A furrowed brow and anxious bitten lip were painted on his features, no smirk hid his thoughts. 

"Why are you here?" Phoenix asked. 

"It's my castle," then a real smirk crossed his face as he glanced at her. "Nice nightwear."

Phoenix's gaze dropped and she crossed her arms over her chest, a blush creeping up as she realized that she was only wearing an oversized t-shirt and tiny shorts. 

"Why are you always in formal clothes?" she cursed his monochrome white suit. "Don't you ever ease up?"

His face softened a little. "I haven't had a chance to change. I was in meetings all day. I only just got out of my last one." 

Was that an honest response? Did the Prince just answer Phoenix's question without any confusing or annoying taunts? Something was different about the Prince if he wasn't teasing her.

"Sorry to hear that," Phoenix said skeptically. 

He nodded and took a step closer. "Tomorrow is the day the Highlanders visit. Will you be there?"

"Yes." There was no point in lying; he could pick her out of the crowd.

"That's good."

Phoenix narrowed her eyes on him. "Why? Last time you and I were in the Throne Room, I took you as a hostage." 

The Prince smiled. "You do make even the most boring events interesting." 

"Did you just compliment me? Are you sure those meetings didn't make you brain dead?" 

"Compliments don't suit me, huh?" he asked with a genuine smile. 

"I'd love to stay and chat, but I should be going to bed." 

In reality, Phoenix couldn't control her shaking. Her stomach clawed at her insides, she needed to lie down again. The nerves better be gone by tomorrow. She moved to leave, storming past Talon, but a hand on her shoulder stopped her.

The Prince's hand tightened slightly over her shirt.

"Phoenix, you're trembling. Are you sure you're okay? It's okay to talk to me, whatever you need."

She turned to look at him and his concerned gaze. He was solemn, almost like he actually cared. "I won't waste any of our time," Phoenix said. "Yes, something is bothering me. But I can figure it out on my own. I'm sure a good night's rest is all I need."

"I'll give you space for now, but only because you were finally honest. Still, know that you are not responsible for everyone; it's okay to lean on others." 

"Do you tell every stranger this, or just me?" Phoenix asked. 

"Still not used to having people care, even after getting with Greyson?" the Prince countered.

"Anyone would be taken aback when you flirt- like from the gardens. Saying you like me just for a reaction- it's cruel."

The Prince leaned forward and whispered into the shell of her ear, "You're wrong." 

He pulled back, a hot breath tickling her neck. Goosebumps rose on her arms again and she told herself it was from the cold. 

"I'm wrong about you telling every girl the same thing, or how anyone would be taken aback?" Phoenix asked.

With a chuckle, the Prince stepped back and headed out of the library.

He looked over his shoulder and with a smirk and a wink replied, "All three." 

All three? 

Before Phoenix asked him more, the Prince strolled out of the library. Wait- the third point, Phoenix said it was cruel to lie about liking someone just for a reaction. Of course that was wrong- of course the Prince wouldn't think lying was cruel.

Damn, he was annoying, she looked forward to stealing his family's crown and leaving this place. Tomorrow. She felt her small smile die as the Prince's voice faded within her head. 

Without the Prince and his never-ending comments, silence weighed Phoenix's shoulders down. Slowly, she sank to the bare floor. Five minutes passed, twenty minutes, another hour, until finally, her head was too numb to worry, and her mind was as exhausted as her body. She crawled her way back into her own bed and drifted into a fruitless slumber. 

#

It was the first time Daisy didn't wear something bright and beautiful. Instead, she wore a dark, straight, comfortable dress that would make it easy for her to go unnoticed. 

Not only Daisy, but everyone dressed in things they wouldn't usually wear. Cole had changed into a simple white shirt and black pants rather than his usual black monochrome look to blend in with the staff. Lucas wore a pair of trousers, a sweater, and a large coat to keep him warm. Phoenix wore a dress that, to her surprise, was even more fantastic than all the others she had worn before. 

The dress was a crimson red. The high collar tickled her neck and the soft fabric fitted her waist and flared ever so gently. The skirt could come off, and underneath was a pair of pants. The dress was completely plain, save the back. Attached to her covered shoulders was a dark, scarlet cape made of the same smooth material as the dress. It was embroidered with sparkling gems, weaving a pattern of stars reflecting the light as she walked. 

They met in Daisy's room; Phoenix glanced at her family. 

"Who knew I could clean up so nice?" Phoenix gestured to her dress. 

"Not all of us are happy about our attire," Daisy pouted.

Phoenix smiled. "But all of us are happy we're going to be safe. You and Lucas blend in perfectly."

"Yeah, blend in with dirt," Daisy mumbled. 

A moment of silence grew on the family, a somber that took all their eyes to the ground. This wouldn't be a bad night, Phoenix wouldn't let it be. 

"Perk up," Phoenix told them, "tomorrow we'll all be back home, well-rested knowing the royal family doesn't have more power. Daisy, you are more than welcome to ask Greyson to sneak dresses back to you. Lucas, I was thinking of getting pancakes on our way home. Would that be okay?"

Lucas's eyes glimmered brighter than her dress. "Really?" 

"Most definitely," Phoenix replied, ruffling his hair.

"We need to go," Cole interrupted. 

"Should we say goodbye?" Phoenix asked.

"No," Cole said. "We'll see each other soon. So instead… good luck."

Phoenix met the eyes of her siblings. Cole, her rock, her sanity and clear head in rough times. Her stubborn, clever, unyielding princess Daisy. And her hope, love, joy in life Lucas.

"Good luck," Phoenix said to her family. "See you soon."