A year for starting over

I woke up to crying. Jake's arms were still round me. But Leah was crying in the next room. I check the clock, it's only four in the morning. I sigh as I carefully climb out of bed. I put on a pair of sweats and a shirt, because the night air is freezing, not caring if they're mine or his. Then I make my way to Leah's room.

I sit down next to the crying child and softly speak to her, rubbing comforting circles on her small back. Slowly the small girl calms. I don't even think she was awake for most of it. Once I'm sure she's fine she I leave her and go back to the room Jake and I are sharing.

He hasn't moved. Somehow I'm not surprised. I quickly and quietly slip back into bed and fall back asleep quickly in his safe, warm embrace.

The second time I wake up its to the sound of someone in the kitchen and a small child giggling joyously. I get up and look down to see I'm still wearing the sweats and shirt I had put on during the night, both are his. I shrug, not bothered in the slightest, and make my way towards the sounds in the kitchen, and eventually food.

"Good morning Sleeping Beauty," Jake says in greeting when he sees me. "I was just going to check on you to make sure you were still alive. you don't usually sleep in, especially on a school day."

I smile slightly, he knew me pretty well. "I was woken up at four by a little troublemaker having a nightmare." Then I notice the time and see that my first class would have started ten minutes ago. I had slept for four hours after I went back to bed. "Wow, yesterday must have really taken a lot out of me." I ask Jake to get me some breakfast while I check my email. All my morning teachers had sent me my assignments for the rest of the week. Then I notice a few other emails from people at school, well wishes and sympathy and things like that. I'm not a really popular person so at first I'm confused. Then I realize that one way or another word would have gotten out that something was up. The scene at practice last night would have tipped a few people that something wasn't right.

I sighed, there's nothing I can do about it from home. I just send an update to a few people and ask for them to somehow keep the details quiet, I didn't want to make a huge deal about it.

Jake puts a bowl and cereal and milk in front of me and I put my iPad down to eat. "So what's on today's agenda?" I ask before taking a spoonful of cereal. "Today we figure out what we're going to do." He makes it sound easy. But what about any of this is easy? I nod anyway and don't give a verbal response.

I had watched his sisters long enough to know they're routine. So after breakfast I take Leah into the tiny living room to play. After making sure she would be fine on her own I leave her and go into the kitchen and sit by Jake at the counter. "We are going to have to get my car from school, and some of my books from my locker." He nods, knowing it is not negotiable. I've always been really big into my studies.

"So, um, where should we start?" Jake asks. I pause to think for a moment, "She's still signed up for daycare right?" Jake nods, "I think so." Well, there's a starting point. I think for a minute again, "what's the money plan? Are we on our own? Are we getting help?" Before Jake can give me an unsure answer Kennedy comes in the front door. "Hey guys, I brought you some food. The rest of the girls are at a friend's house. So," she turns to me after dropping her keys on the counter and pulling up a chair, "let's work things out Beck." I smile gratefully at her, we both know Jake isn't going to be much help in this.

We get comfortable and start to discuss things. "So the family can help with financial things. Eventually you two might want to think about adopting her, not now obviously, but something to think about in the long run. Beck, have you decided if you're going to stay here?" I nod, not wanting to speak just yet. Besides it only makes sense to me to stay here, to me at least. "Okay. And you're going to keep going to school and practice and everything. That's not negotiable. Jake will go to work during the days. While you two are at school and work they can stay at a babysitters and daycare. I can help figure that out for you guys. I can also help figuring out switching Jake's work schedule if need be. Now I know you have practice most afternoons, is there a way you could pick her up in between and someone at school watches her until either he can pick her up or practice is over?" So far so good.

"That sounds pretty good to me. Thanks Kennedy." I say, relieved that I don't have to figure things out on my own. Sure I have Jake, but he doesn't really count. "Anytime sweetheart. Thanks for helping with her, I know it's asking a lot." Kennedy says. "Oh of course. If you stick around for a few hour, have lunch with us, then you can come with us to my school. There's also a football game tomorrow night and you're welcome to come." She smiles like its a plan and agrees to stay.

I go back into the room Jake and I are sharing and start to unpack the things I brought over last night. After awhile I take out one of the books I have to read for a class and settle on the bed. A few minutes later the door to the room slowly swings open, but no one comes inside so I turn back to my book. Then I hear a slight sound that makes me look down, over the edge of the bed. Leah is standing at the edge of the bed, smiling up at me. I put my book down and smile at her. "What are you doing?" I say in a baby voice. "What are you doing in here you silly goose?" She giggles and falls onto her butt which just makes her laugh more.

I reach over the edge of the bed and pick her up. I check the clock and see that it's about noon. I take her into the kitchen. "Let's get his one some food so we can put her down for a nap." I hand her to Jake so Kennedy and I can get lunch going. We all eat and feed Leah and then I take her to her room to put her down for a nap.

Once she's fast asleep I go into the living room and check my email again. Finally I have all my assignments. I make a mental list of the things I will need to get from school. If we leave at the right time then I might be able to stop by practice and join for a bit. I start to gather the little work I can start on and set to work. "What are you working on?" I jump at the sound of Jake's voice. I look up to see him leaning in the doorway of the living room where I'm working. "Uh, just some homework." I respond, slightly distracted. He snorts, "You work yourself too hard. Why can't you just relax for a day?"

I laugh and turn back to my work, "you know I can't do that. I have a lot of work to do. I have to focus on my studies if I ever want to reach my goal." I don't take my eyes off my work. I hear him come closer to me. "You can afford to take one day to breathe. I mean, a lot of things are going to change after today." I nod still distracted. "Hey," he grabs my arm, I look up at him, "you can take a break today. You need to let at sink in. The homework will still be here later. Come on." He pulls me to my feet despite my protests. "I never did give you a proper dance did I?"

Before I can answer he puts my left hand on his shoulder and his right hand on the small of my back. He takes my right hand in his left and pulls me close. Then he starts to slowly dance us around the room. He holds my hand to his chest and dance to the steady beat of his heart as our music. I'm slightly aware of Kennedy taking pictures of us from the doorway, but in this moment I don't care. I knew this year would be one of starting over. And this is the biggest and best way to start over. And this time I'll be ready for the rebound. This time I wouldn't be alone.