It's You, It's Always You

Being in love with your best friend is one thing. But being in love with someone you know who's going to die eventually is something completely different. Megumi realized long ago that he's already too far gone to care anymore, though. He is irrevocably in love with Yuji Itadori. So in love, in fact, that it has become increasingly obvious to everyone. Everyone except, of course, Itadori himself. He could very well change that, but the fear of rejection and the possibility of ruining the relationship they share now makes him keep his feelings locked in a cage, hidden deep within himself. 

The way they are now is perfectly fine anyway. Or, at least, that's what he tells himself to feel better (it doesn't work). He tried asking Gojo for help once, but that was a mistake. Now every time he and Itadori are in Gojo's presence, Megumi has to deal with smug looks and kissy faces when the boy is looking away. At this rate, he wouldn't be surprised if Itadori catches on. But he doesn't, and Megumi couldn't be more relieved. 

The door behind him slides open and a familiar, comforting voice speaks up. "There you are!" Itadori shouts excitedly from behind. It's a warm, summer evening. Megumi is seated on the steps outside the dormitory basking in the warmth of the remaining sun and the sounds of the cicadas quieting down for the night. The chilly breeze marks the approach of fall. 

His heart jumps as his friend plops down on the steps right next to him and he nearly has a heart attack when Itadori bumps their shoulders together. He wishes the touch could last longer. "You've been out here for a while. Something on your mind?"

Yes. You. You, you, you. You and your bubblegum pink hair, your sweatshirts that smell like fresh laundry, your slightly crooked smile that is just so you, and your calloused hands that brushed against mine a few times causing a whirlwind in my mind for the entire night. You. You, Yuji Itadori, are on my mind.

If only he had the bravery to say it out loud. 

"No. Just enjoying the weather." The two sit in comfortable silence for a few moments. Megumi turns his head to look at Itadori who's staring up at the sky with a gentle smile on his face. The breeze rustles his hair and he closes his eyes and lets out a contented sigh. Megumi imagines himself being the one to cause this reaction from Itadori instead of the breeze. He pictures himself running his hands through his hair and it's as smooth as the finest silk. He imagines Itadori closing his eyes and leaning into his touch, perhaps leaning into his whole body until his head is in Megumi's lap and he's staring up at him. Maybe if he goes to stretch and "accidentally" brushes his hand against Itadori's hair in the process then he can-

His thoughts are cut off when he notices the boy staring at him with his head tilted to the side a bit like a confused dog. Megumi swallows thickly.

"Did you say something?" he asks, cursing himself for how weak his voice sounds. He tries to keep his eyes on Itadori's, but he glances down at his lips just for a second before looking back into his eyes.

"No, no it's fine." Itadori closes his eyes and puts a hand on his forehead dramatically. "I know my handsomeness gets too distracting sometimes." Megumi snorts and feels the corners of his mouth quirk up. He tries to look away and places a hand on his cheek before Itadori notices, but it's too late. He gasps and leans toward the boy. "Is that a smile I see? Did I make the Fushiguro Megumi smile? I should get an award for this!"

"The sun was in my eyes," he says, yet the sunbeams that are just now beginning to disappear under the horizon struggle to filter through the trees in the forest beyond. He takes his hand off his cheek and turns back to face Itadori. "I was just…" his voice trails off. He's now face to face with Itadori, noses nearly touching. The sun casts a golden glow on the pink-haired boy's face and Megumi swears he's staring at the sun itself. Itadori's scent envelops his nose and he feels like he's on cloud nine. His breath hitches and his brain is begging him to move away, to put some distance between them, but his body won't let him. If only he could just lean forward and connect their lips, then perhaps this unbearable pining could stop. But he can't act upon his selfish desire and potentially hurt his best friend in the process; he can't deal with the guilt. And so, he keeps his urge at bay and focuses on the boy in front of him.

Itadori's smile turns soft, and his eyes lose the crinkle they get when he smiles wide or laughs. He's staring straight into Megumi's eyes, his irises sparkling in the light, pupils dilated. The look he's giving him is tender and filled with admiration as if he's studying a painting.  "Y'know," he begins, lightly. There's a different tone to his voice, but Megumi can't quite figure it out. "You should smile more. It looks really good on you."

If it's possible for Megumi to fall even deeper in love, he just did.

***

Megumi and Itadori are leaning against a wall side by side, shopping bags all around them from Nobara who's currently pursuing a store. She only dragged Megumi with her to hold her bags, but Itadori decided to tag along. Megumi isn't sure why he'd want to do this in his free time when he could be back in his room watching a TV show or reading a manga, but it gives him a confidence boost, albeit a small one. Perhaps Itadori tagged along because he likes to be with him. Because he likes him in a more than a friend way and wants to spend every waking moment with him. There's a small spark of hope in the forest of his heart. A big enough spark to keep an eye on but not big enough to set the forest ablaze. However, a deep part of him has a feeling it's just Itadori's FOMO kicking in. He kicks a pebble in front of him. 

"Do you ever think about getting a girlfriend?" Itadori asks, breaking the silence. Megumi nearly chokes.

"Why are you asking?" He turns his head to look at Itadori who's staring into the distance. Of course, I don't want a girlfriend. I want you.

Itadori shrugs. "Well, y'know, we're teens. Every teenager wants someone special in their life. Nobara talks about how she wants a girlfriend all the time, so I just wondered if you thought the same."

Yes, he does. He thinks it all the time. As he's falling asleep, as he's eating breakfast, as he's walking to class. It's always Itadori taking up space in his mind. He might as well start paying rent for all the space he takes up. "No, I don't."

Itadori chuckles, "Right. Yeah. I had a feeling."

Megumi turns to look straight ahead again and notices a couple in the distance, walking along the sidewalk. He pictures Itadori and himself doing the same; they're holding hands as Itadori tells him about his day and he listens, letting him ramble because he loves to hear him talk. "Do you?"

Itadori hums and scratches the back of his head. "Mm, not really. I think my mind's just been too preoccupied with other things." Megumi looks at Itadori and notices a slight shade of pink dusting his cheeks. Why does he look embarrassed? Before he can overthink, Itadori speaks up again. "Like babysitting you." The look of horror on Megumi's face makes Itadori erupt with laughter. He doubles over, clutching his stomach.

"Ha! I wish you could see yourself right now!" Megumi pouts and crosses his arms.

"Why are you even here anyway? Wouldn't you rather spend your time somewhere else?" Once Itadori recollects himself he stands back up and faces Megumi. 

"'Cause, you're here, duh!" His pout instantly vanishes, and his heart stutters. What's that supposed to mean? Does he just mean that as friends? Is that supposed to imply something more?

"What-"

"Hey nerds," Nobara interrupts. She has two shopping bags that she holds out to Megumi. "Watcha talking about?"

***

Itadori ate another finger.

  There is no one left. 

Time is ticking, but Megumi is still too much of a coward to do anything. Not even as the two sit in silence, shoulder to shoulder, on the floor of Itadori's room. Itadori is scrolling through his phone, both his legs outstretched. They haven't spoken a word since their last mission. Megumi is reading a book, the arm holding the book resting on his outstretched leg and his other arm resting on his bent leg; his eyes just keep scanning the same sentence over and over again. How could he focus when his best friend's death is drawing nearer? 

Itadori sighs and locks his phone. He tosses it to the side and drops his head onto Megumi's shoulder. Megumi freezes and nearly drops his book. Itadori has been getting more touchy by the day, and it still catches him off guard. "I'm scared, Fushiguro," he whispers, absentmindedly picking at the pills on Megumi's sweater. 

He doesn't know what to say. What can he say? No words, no amount of affection, can be enough to quell the fear of death. Besides, how could he even begin to comfort someone when he needed just as much? When he can already feel himself falling deeper and deeper into a pit of despair, soon unable to dig his way out. He swallows and suddenly feels as if the walls are closing in on him. 

"What if there's something I can do? Something that… that we just don't know about? What if I could fix this?" Itadori picks his head up and places his chin on Megumi's shoulder to look at him and he turns to look back. His friend's gorgeous light brown eyes aren't filled with their usual gleam and it pains him.

"There's nothing you can do." He sounds utterly hopeless. Megumi opens and closes his mouth as if he's going to speak but doesn't. He knows there's no way out of this, he knows.

"I don't want you to go," he admits, quietly. His words seem void of emotion, but Itadori can see through it.

"I don't want to go either, but this is the only way we can get rid of Sukuna."

Megumi grits his teeth. "It's not fair." 

Itadori moves his head back to rest on his shoulder. "I know," he whispers as he slides his arm down Megumi's and slowly intertwines their fingers. Megumi's eyes widen and he can feel his heart beating a mile a minute. Friends do things like this all the time, but Megumi can't help but feel that this is different from just normal friends holding hands. He can't help but feel some sort of hope that maybe, just maybe, Itadori shares his feelings. But he still doesn't confess just in case there's a chance he doesn't. He needs to crush the hope before it takes over his mind. 

They continue to sit in comfortable silence and Itadori eventually falls asleep. A part of Megumi wants to move because he knows that if he stays like this any longer, it'll be the end of him. But another part of him is okay with that. He's already fallen too hard, after all. And Itadori was the one to make the first move anyway, so it's not like Megumi's being selfish by staying like this. He's just comforting his friend who needs it. 

And so, he places his head atop the boy's and lets him sleep.

***

"Are you insane?" Megumi spits. The Jujutsu higher-ups must be joking. 

"We were going to have Gojo be the one, but we decided that you would be a better fit," one of them explains, a slight smirk showing off his disgustingly yellow teeth. "He did put up quite the fight when we broke the news to him."

"I won't do it."

Another higher-up clicks his tongue and Megumi's nostrils flare. "That wasn't a suggestion. It was an order. You are to execute Itadori Yuji whether you like it or not."

Silence.

"You are dismissed." He walks out of the room with fire in his veins and goes to the dorms where Itadori is waiting for him in his room. When he sees the way Megumi whips the door open and stomps in the room, slamming it shut, he rushes up to him and grabs his shoulders. 

"What's wrong? What did they say?" 

Megumi stares at the ground. "They want me to be the one to execute you." Itadori's grip falters. 

"What?"

"Those bastards want me to be the one to kill you!" He raises his arms and drops them to his side. Itadori slides his hands off Megumi's shoulders and he misses the touch. "It's like they get some sort of satisfaction at this. Like we're entertainment for them."

Itadori chuckles dryly, trying to lighten the mood. "I wouldn't be surprised if that's how they see it. They're probably some sort of sadists." He frowns when Megumi doesn't react and cups his cheeks, pulling his head up to look at him. Butterflies fly around in Megumi's stomach and he swears they're going to burst when Itadori steps closer. He's still upset at the situation of course, but his mind is starting to become fuzzy. "Hey, I'm still alive right now. Let's focus on that, yeah? Don't waste your time worrying about the future when we can still enjoy the present." 

Megumi licks his lips. "Yeah," he says, but he didn't really hear what Itadori said. He's too focused on their distance, or lack thereof, to think about anything else at the moment. His senses are overwhelmed. His eyes never leave his friend's lips, and he knows he's probably being way too obvious at this point, but he can't help it. Maybe if he gets one kiss, everything will fade away; he can forget what's going on for just a moment and only focus on the feel of the boy's lips against his. He knows that won't help in the long run. He knows that after they pull apart, the world will become clear again and he'll have to face the future, but it wouldn't be too bad forgetting for just this moment. 

His eyelids lower as he puts all his focus on Itadori's lips and he feels himself slowly leaning in like a magnet being pulled to a piece of metal. However, before he can lean too far, he panics and encases him in a hug instead. Coward. Itadori laughs lightly (it sounds… pained?) and wraps his arms around him tightly, resting a cheek on his shoulder. His hair tickles Megumi's neck and squeezes back. They stay like that for a while, desperately holding on. He wishes for this moment to never stop, but unfortunately, all good things must come to an end.

***

Megumi grips the cursed weapon in his shaking hand as he stares at his best friend tied to a wooden chair with rope oozing with strong cursed energy to keep him in place. Looking at his helpless form makes his skin crawl. 

The day after Megumi meets with the higher-ups, they announced Itadori's execution date which was only three days later. Most of the time, Itadori spent those three days with the others, saying his last goodbyes. Megumi was always there in the background. He selfishly wished to have all of Itadori's attention on himself. The time they did spend alone together was spent in silence with the occasional small talk in between. They held each other in their beds each night and it hurt Megumi to know that he would never be able to hold him like that again, especially as anything more than friends He wishes he could have said something then, given himself closure. Unfortunately, it was too late.

"You know, Megumi," Itadori begins, his voice wavering. "I was too much of a coward to say this before, and I know now's not the right time, but I love you. And as much as it hurts me to say it, I hope you, no I want you to, find someone who can love you the way I couldn't." Tears begin to stream down his face. What sick fuck decided that the both of them deserve this fate? What did they ever do besides be two teens in love? Two dorky teens who didn't know how to admit their feelings.

"I'm a coward too," Megumi replies, weakly. "I've been in love with you since the moment I laid my eyes on you."

"Love at first sight? I didn't know you could be such a sap." Despite the sorrow that suffocates the room, Itadori's comment manages to make Megumi crack a smile. A small one, but still a smile. "There's my favorite smile." They both go silent for a moment until Itadori speaks up again. "Can… Can I be selfish for a moment?" 

"Of course."

"Can you kiss me? Just once." 

His heart drops. "Itadori," he begs. 

"Please. I know that's selfish of me but please. Please just one kiss." 

Itadori's sobs ricochet off the walls and Megumi can barely hear the words that escape his mouth. "Do you realize," he hiccups, "what that'll do to me when…when you're gone?" 

"I know, I'm sorry. I've just wanted to for so long."

"Then why didn't you do something sooner?" Megumi yells. He's not mad, he could never be mad at Itadori. But he's overwhelmed and frustrated and he doesn't know how else to express it.

"I tried!" Itadori yells back. "All those times I put my head on your shoulder and sat or stood a little too close to you, hell, I even held your hand once, I was trying so hard to say something, to even hint at it. I thought you would eventually catch on."

Megumi froze. All those times that he brushed it off as Itadori just being friendly, he was trying to confess to him? "I didn't catch on," he began, "because I was too insecure and stupid and scared and all I could think about was the fact that you probably didn't feel the same way." He drops the tool and frantically rubs at his eyes.

"Megumi…" Why did he have to say his first name now of all time?

Megumi collapses to his knees at the sound of it. It sounds so wonderful coming from his mouth. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for not realizing," his voice cracks and he doesn't try to hold back anymore. "It's all my fault." He rests his head on Itadori's legs and grips the fabric of his pants as he finally lets his feelings free. Sobs rack his body. "Please don't leave me. I don't want you to leave me!" He wants to cut the ropes and be enveloped in Itadori's warm hugs. He wants to cuddle with him under the stars and steal kisses before bed. He wants to take Itadori and run away, far away where nobody will ever find them. He wants them to be happy, and most of all, free of all burdens.

"Hey, look at me." He looks up at Itadori. "It's not your fault. None of this is your fault, you hear me?" 

Megumi wipes his eyes and slowly sits up until he's kneeling between Itadori's legs which are tied to the legs of the chair. He grabs the boy's cheeks and they look deeply into each other's eyes as more tears spill. Their first kiss wasn't supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be on the dormitory rooftop at night while the world was asleep and it was just the two of them. He would initiate it and it would be so clumsy, so perfect, so them. Itadori would pull back and make a joke about his attempt at wooing him. Megumi would become defensive out of embarrassment and try to turn away but Itadori would grab his face and kiss all over to make him feel better. He'll never get that now, though.

Megumi stares into Itadori's eyes for just a moment longer, memorizing every little detail, even the small dot of gold on his left iris that shines so beautifully in the sun, before leaning in and connecting their lips.

With broken hearts and an immeasurable amount of love, enough to challenge Aphrodite herself, they share their first and last kiss. It begins gently but instantly turns desperate as Megumi tries to pour all the love he couldn't express before into it while Itadori does the same. They break away for just a moment to catch their breaths before diving back in, unable to get enough of each other. Their tears cause the kisses to taste salty, but neither of them cares.

An impatient bang sounds from the door and the two pull apart, panting. Megumi feels a lump form in his throat, reality coming back into focus and his hands begin to shake again.

"I can't do this. I don't want to do this," he murmurs, his heart rate and breaths quickening. He takes his hand off the boy's cheeks and frantically rubs at his eyes again.

"It's gonna be alright," Itadori croaks. He tries to smile, but the corners of his eyes don't crinkle like usual. Megumi's legs feel like jello and he feels sick to his stomach. Everything sounds muffled now, and the world is becoming dim as if the sun is being shielded by dark clouds.

"Remember what I said earlier. All I want is for you to be happy."

I can't be happy unless I'm with you. Megumi reluctantly picks up the cursed tool and slowly positions it to level with Itadori's chest. They look into each other's eyes for the last time. He takes in a deep breath. 

"I love you, Yuji," Megumi says, voice unwavering. The boy's smile makes him feel like he's staring at the sun again.

But then he plunges the tool into Itadori's chest and the sun goes out.

***

The world is dull and Megumi is numb. He's spent the past few days after the execution in Gojo's room, unable to sleep by himself due to the images of that day replaying through his mind, haunting him. When he finally manages to drift off, he eventually awakens in the middle of the night in a cold sweat with Gojo cradling him and whispering words of comfort. He runs his hand through Megumi's sweat-soaked hair and rocks them back and forth until his shaking eventually subsides and sleep whisks him away once again. On the days when the night terrors decide to be nice, he's plagued with dreams of what his life could have been if Yuji was still alive. He can't decide if that's worse.

Yuji's room is eventually cleared out, without Megumi's help due to his inability to walk into the room without wanting to collapse, but a box of his most prized possessions is given to him. He can't even bring himself to open the box, so it sits in the corner of his room gathering dust. The only piece of Yuji he has out is the hoodie he was given on a cold night that he found in his dresser. It lays crumpled next to his pillow, full of Yuji's scent. It's the only reason he's able to sleep on his own, and Megumi fears for the day when the scent inevitably fades. 

Yuji's last request sits in the back of his mind for months after that day. Fulfilling it is the least he could do, but nobody is Yuji; nobody is good enough. So instead of finding someone new to love him, he tries to surround himself with those who already do. He spends even more time with Nobara (they're practically attached at the hip unless she's with her girlfriend, Maki), occasionally hangs out with Inumaki and the others, and makes sure to spend time with Gojo as much as he can, even if it's something as small as having dinner together every night. He eventually asks the man to be his legal guardian and admits to this day that he's never seen Gojo cry as much as he did after he was given the papers to sign. He'd be lying if he said it didn't make him truly happy for the first time in a while. 

So yeah, life started to become pretty good. Well, as good as can be without Yuji. He lives it to the fullest and slowly puts his shattered pieces back together. They are messy, no doubt as if a child attached them with school glue, but he is content.

And when it is eventually time for him to go, he closes his eyes and smiles, for he will finally be reunited with his love for eternity.