Chapter 18

Thinking about the meaning of that dream? I didn't feel like it. Well, not that my brain agreed with me. My thoughts ran around in my head, not caring about what I wanted. I saw him in front of me, grinning mockingly at me. I heard his voice: 'You have reserved two places in hell." He is waiting for me. I knew.

And I almost had an accident, but I pulled the steering wheel aside in time. I fixed my eyes on the road. Damn it, pay attention!

My thoughts continued to disobey, but I forced myself to focus on driving. Fortunately, I arrived safely and managed to park. I got out of the car and pulled my coat tighter around me as the icy wind swept across the street. The sky was cloudy, and rain was expected. I stared blankly at the tree leaves, which were shaking strongly in the wind, then came to my senses and hurried to the hospital.

I didn't even slow down in front of the reception, I just went straight to the elevator. I wanted to see Shannon as soon as possible. She was sitting in the same chair but she wasn't alone. Rhys was beside her, holding her hand. I froze. I wanted to turn around and run away.

Something ignited deep inside me. Anger? Resentment? Maybe. But I was sure I didn't want to see them together. I didn't even understand myself. Rhys means nothing to me. He made me feel certain things, it's true, but those feelings were annoying and I wanted to get rid of them.

But what if I would miss them if they disappeared? That's the way it is, right? We always want what we don't have and not what we have. When I feel empty and feel nothing, I would welcome even the pain. Because when it hurts I know I am alive. I need to feel like I am real, not just a doll being moved by someone else.

It sounds silly but sometimes I play with the thoughts. As we had, have dollhouses, why can't we be part of a bigger dollhouse? We believe that free will is real and that we have choices. But what if everything is just a lie, an illusion, a deception? What if everything is already decided? Then what can we do? Is there anything we can do?

I shook my head. And if something is gnawing at me from the inside and problems oppress me, then I want to feel nothing. Just to forget everything.

So now that I have these feelings, I wouldn't mind if they disappear, but if they suddenly fade into nothingness, then what if I change my mind and want them? I don't want to want them but things never go as planned. There is a slight difference between what we want and what we would like. What we would like is something our heart desires. And what we want is a realistic version of what we would like. So what we want, we don't want it that much, we just know we can't get better.

If I follow my heart... What would I do? Or is this question unnecessary? I'm too afraid, I admit. Because what I would like does not always turn out the way I imagined, and that's too painful. Too much pain can kill a person.

„Hello." I said and they both raised their heads. Rhys looked surprised but I couldn't read Shannon's face.

„I told you that you don't have to come." She jumped up and walked over to me. She looked much better than the last time I saw her. She was well-rested and less hopeless.

„And I said I would come." I replied. „Is there any news?" She shook her head.

„My father's condition is still stable, but the doctors said that we are not out of the deep water yet." She muttered and sat back down next to Rhys. I took a closer look at him. He seemed the same as yesterday and that was not surprising, but the fact that he looked completely expressionless was strange.

„I see." I sat down on Shannon's other side not looking directly at him and joined in their silence.

„And what's going on at the university?" I knew she couldn't stand the silence for long under normal circumstances, so I didn't even try to start a conversation. I was sure she would start talking about something soon.

„I didn't go in today." I said and ignoring her surprised look, I continued. „I stayed home thinking you might need me but no." And it hurt but I hoped they couldn't hear it in my voice. „I practised a bit for the competition I talked about earlier, then I had tea with one of my acquaintances." I grimaced at that word. I purposefully didn't say who it was because I didn't want them to know. „Then after I got home I took a quick nap. Your call woke me up." I didn't want to think about the dream so I quickly skimmed over it. „How was your day?"

„First of all, you shouldn't skip classes because of me." She looked at me sternly. „Second, thank you for doing it anyway." Then she changed the subject. „I slept quite a lot, and then I came back. Not long after, this guy joined me as well." Shannon smiled at him. And since he was here with you, you don't need me anymore? Maybe it was irrational but it hurt me. „He said he wanted to know how I was, but he didn't leave after it either." She talked about him as if he wasn't even sitting there with us. „He knows how it is when..." She suddenly fell silent when a doctor appeared looking for her. She jumped up and hurried over to her. I was left alone with Rhys. I didn't really know what to say, and he didn't seem to have anything to say either.

„So you know?" This time I broke the silence. Before I said it, I didn't realize how much this question could refer to. He turned to me with visible surprise, as he hadn't expected me to speak to him. Then he started staring, looking inquisitively, as if he wanted to see inside me. But I didn't want that.

„I know." He nodded at the end. And with that, I didn't know which unspoken question he was answering. Maybe all of them. And that scared me. If he knew everything, no wonder he was so aloof.

„And what exactly do you know?" I leaned closer. I had to know. Only a few inches separated us. I could feel his warm breath on my face and it didn't bother me. The opposite. I wanted to get even closer to him.

A seductive warmth radiated from his body. If he surrounded me with this warmth, maybe it would warm and melt that big iceberg inside me. This desire scared me so much that I immediately recoiled.

A person who is afraid of touch yet craves it. And now there is someone whose touch doesn't make her disgusted. A normal person would take that chance, right? But an average person is not afraid of being touched by others.

I shouldn't run away from him. From what he can give me. But I don't even know how to accept it. Or if he is willing to give or not. There are so many things I don't know. If I knew the answer to every question... It would make everything so easy. I shouldn't be scared and then without fear, I would be safe. And being safe... is not happiness, but it makes me content. And that's not bad.

But only the idiots and the reckless are unafraid. These two are closely related and I don't want to fall into either category. Fear may not be a bad thing after all because it makes you cautious.

„Lots of things." He leaned towards me, golden dots blazing in his eyes. „I know that..." But I will never know what he was trying to say because Shannon came back and he refused to say anything more. My friend beamed at us, looking much more refreshed than before.

„The doctor said there is nothing to worry about anymore. Dad will get better." A teardrop ran down her cheek. Tears of relief. I smiled and hugged her. It wasn't even that hard. Shannon would never touch me in a way that made me feel uncomfortable. And that reassurance made it easier for me. I just hugged her and let her shed the tears she had been holding back. Then she moved away from me, still smiling brightly. „I'm going to see Dad now, you don't have to wait for me." She said and immediately left us. 

Neither of us moved. I didn't want to leave Shannon but I didn't want to be with Rhys either. And I don't actually want to continue our conversation. After pulling myself together, I tried to leave but he grabbed my wrist.

„Where are you going?" He asked as our eyes met.

„For coffee." I muttered with downcast eyes. He nodded and we started walking, but he didn't let go of my hand. And I didn't ask him to do it. Half of me wanted to leave him there, while the other half wanted to snuggle up to him. These contradictions will drive me crazy if I am not already.

„What kind of competition?" He inquired as I put change in the machine.

„I'm a cellist, but you obviously know that." Of course, he knows. „My teacher said I have a chance."

„And what do you think? Do you have a chance?" It's that penetrating look again.

„Saying yes makes me seem arrogant, but saying no looks like a lack of confidence, so I'll just say we will see." He smiled slowly.

„I would like to hear." I looked at him curiously, so he continued. „As you play. I want to see you at that competition." Now that flabbergasted me. For a moment I couldn't say anything.

„Why?" I asked at the end. Why does he want it? Why are you so interested?

„I said I wanted to get to know you better. I think that would help. So can I attend?" I looked at him in shock. Does he know what he knows and yet want to get to know me? More than this? Does he know that I'm not all right and he doesn't mind? Doesn't he have the urge to run away from me? Even if the only thing I can give him is trouble, nothing else.

„Yes, you can." I nodded slowly, stunned by the recognition. A happy, bright smile lit up his face and I gave him a sad one in return. A sad smile because I will never be able to smile like him.

„Thank you!" He caressed my cheek with a swift movement and I froze like a statue. „I have to go now, I have a meeting with Édoard. I'll see you later." And he left. My skin tingled where he touched it. I put my hand on my face, it was burning. Jesus! Didn't I just blush? From that? Someone, please hit me.

With a sigh, I released the feelings inside me and picked up my coffee. I went back to Shannon but she was nowhere to be found, so I just sat back in my seat.

My seat. It's funny that I think of it that way. After all, I barely spent a few hours here. But people like to see things as their own. Or other persons. It doesn't matter how stupid or nonsensical it is. Rhys is not mine and yet... It's not that I want him to be mine - or maybe a little bit - I just don't want anyone else to have the right to him.

'If he can't be mine, he shouldn't be anyone else's either' part comes now I swear I... But no. I don't want to hurt him. I like his smile and the way those little golden specks shine when he does it. And I like his kindness, even if it sometimes annoys me. I can never imagine him hurting anyone, so I don't want his unhappiness. No way. But I can't do anything for his happiness either, I am helpless.

„Shae!" I raised my head and looked at Shannon in surprise. Judging by the look on her face, she's been calling me by my name for a while now.

„Yeah?" I raised my eyebrow and gave her a questioning look.

„Now that my dad is awake, I want to go home and get him some stuff he may need. Can you take me?" I know how hard it is for her. Getting into a car. Last time she was dazed and desperate, maybe she didn't even register what was happening around her. But now she is fine and balanced.

„Of course." I stood up and threw away the plastic cup that I had been clutching in my hand until now without noticing it. „Come!" I called but she didn't move. Her eyes widened in fear. I knew that look because it often looked back from the mirror. I held out my hand to her and she grabbed it like it was a lifeline. I squeezed her hand and she gave me a grateful smile. I felt relief. „Nothing bad will happen." I promised, even though I knew I could be wrong. But I wanted her to feel a little bit lighter and it worked. That was enough for me.