Chapter 30

„Do you have a suit?" I was not surprised that at this question Liam raised his eyebrows and made a very interesting face.      

„Why?" He asked then as I sat down across from him.

„Because soon there will be a competition in which I will participate and an elegant appearance is a requirement."

„Why would you invite me?" He continued to be confused. Of course, this was not surprising, as it was quite unusual for me. But Shannon has already done so much for me, helped me so much, that I somehow wanted to repay her goodness and kindness. I didn't know exactly how she felt about Liam, but I wanted to give them a chance, one more to talk and this time to clear things up properly.

„Because I'm nice?" He just snorted at that. „Okay, maybe I'm not nice." Another snort. „Alright, I am not nice." I corrected myself. „However, I want to give you and Shannon a chance to discuss everything thoroughly."

„I told Shannon right then and there that I was done with her. I was dead serious."

„Would you let your pride and stubbornness get in your way?"

„She said, who is also too stubborn and proud." Of course, Seth had to show up again.

„Sometimes that's all that's left." He shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly.

„But it could be more. Shannon..." I would have continued, but he waved me off.

„I'm tired of Shannon." His look, his whole being, suggested exactly that. Bleak fatigue. „I waited so long for her to finally notice, but it never happened. I don't want to wait any longer. I'm not saying it was wasted time because I enjoyed being with her, but that's not enough for me anymore."

„But what if she wants more too?" I saw a glimmer of interest in his eyes.

„That's unlikely." He sighed. „She would have done something then, wouldn't she?"

„She thought of you as her friend, and friends don't get on top of each other."

„Unless that friend is really hot." He tried to joke but it was lackluster.

„More seriousness, please." He just nodded. „You mean more to Shannon than you know. She was jealous of your girlfriends and they annoyed her."

„Really?" He looked like he had been shot into an unknown galaxy.

„Yes." I stated firmly. „But I won't say more. Decide what you're going to do with this information, but in the way that this might be your last chance. Here's the ticket." I slid it in front of him. „Choose well." I waved and then stood up and left him there.

Fortunately, I've finished my classes for today, so there's nothing to do. Rhys was pretty busy these days so I'd rather not bother him. He has a lot of work, and he told me that there was a little tension between him and Édoard. I hope they solve their problems soon. Maybe Édoard doesn't like me and the feeling is mutual, but he's still a good friend to Rhys.

I really should practice, but I'm tired of repeating the same pieces over and over again. I still couldn't decide which one to present and the deadline was approaching. I would like a divine inspiration or something to tell me what to do. Sometimes it's so hard to decide. I just want a little weight off my shoulders. Too much to ask, right?

I was about to get into my car when my phone rang. I quickly took it out of my jacket and answered.

„Rhys?" I asked in surprise and could almost see his smile in front of me.

„I just have time to catch my breath, so I thought I'd call you." My heart warmed up. Rhys is just like that. „Tell me how your plan went?"

„I don't know." I sighed. „I talked to Liam but I have no idea what he will do..."

„You did what you could, from now on it's up to them."

I told him alone that I wanted to do something for Shannon and he suggested I talk to Liam. But the invitation was my idea.

It feels good when someone supports me as much as he does. I wanted to thank him, but like so many words, it got stuck in my throat.

„Are you very nervous about the competition?" He then changed the subject. Unfortunately, my mind was completely elsewhere, so I couldn't give it as much attention as it deserved.

„Yes." That was all I could grunt, but at least it was true.

„I would say don't do it, but it would hardly help." You could hear from his voice that he was in a good mood. „Still, I think you'll be great."

It might have seemed like mere enthusiasm if I hadn't sensed how serious he meant it. He believed in me unwaveringly, like no one had ever done before. Of course, Mom and Shannon admitted how good I am at it, but they always encouraged me to have a plan B. I know they spoke of concern and love, but I wanted to feel that they trusted me and my abilities so much that they thought I wouldn't need anything like that. Ailish likes to listen to me and believes in me, but she's just a little girl who can't give me the support I need.

„I hope you are right." How much I sigh today! „But I'm not even sure what to perform. There are so many options..."

„Follow your heart." I heard him laugh on the other end of the line. „I know it sounds corny, but I think it can't be a bad thing if you do that. If it does, I'll fix it."

„Someone is very confident." I teased him.

„Okay, okay." He gave in. „I'll fix it if I can."

„Even that means a lot to me." I admitted it.

„You can always count on me." That was all he said, but the little devil in my head, that is, Seth, spoke immediately, and not really in my head.

„But really?" He echoed my thoughts. „Will it be the same even if the truth comes out? Can he live with the knowledge that he shares his life with a murderer? With a murderer who doesn't even regret what he did? Or maybe he doesn't want to share his life with you." He pondered. „Just look at yourself. You're not beautiful, it's true. Your face is simply charming, but your body!" His lips curled into a disgusting smile. „Despite your short stature, you have a curvy, womanly body. Just what a man fantasizes about every night." I wanted to scratch out his eyes, his approving look disgusted me so much. „Maybe he doesn't need anything but your body, that's why the big fuss around you. Of course, he could get other women more easily, but then where would the thrill of the hunt be? You don't think it was your wounded little soul that captured him or your innocent eyes, do you?" He laughed scornfully. „There is no guy who wants to deal with you long term." He looked at me disparagingly. „A man needs more. Something that you are unable to give."

„What do I have to do to make you disappear?" I hissed the words heavy with hatred. I hated him for putting those thoughts in my head. For making me doubt Rhys.

„Repent and let go of the past. You need to put our past behind you." He answered surprisingly seriously. „And maybe believe in yourself a little, and let go of your doubts. Otherwise, I'll stay with you."

„Who are you and why are you here?" I knew I had asked this question once before and this time too he just shrugged his shoulders.

„Am I a ghost or your conscience? The embodiment of your inner insecurities and fears? Am I the real Seth or something that took on his face? Does it matter? If you don't get rid of me soon, you'll probably go crazy." And with that, he disappeared.

Am I not crazy already? Until now, I didn't think of myself as such, but what fool thinks of themselves that way? Insanity is not insanity to them. Maybe we're all crazy, and those who are crazy aren't exactly that, they're just in the minority, and that's why they get this label. After all, what is madness? There's so much craziness in the world like me being with Rhys. I don't mind that though. Maybe being crazy isn't so bad after all. Unless, of course, the madness turns you into a rampaging killer. But we're not there yet. Hopefully, we'll never get there.

I got into my car and drove home at lightning speed. Despite my previous indifference, I now really wanted to play. I couldn't use words, but maybe I can express myself through music. I can tell you how much you mean to me and how grateful I am for everything.

I can tell you how much more you are than I ever dreamed of and that I will never be able to match you. How many things I regret and how many things I wish you knew, but I will never be able to tell you.

But doubts crept into even this confession of music. Would that really be all I would be to you? A longer exciting hunt? Do you just want my body? Or more? Do you want me or the one you see? Am I really important and would you do anything or disappear at the first major problem? Can you ever forgive me? Can I even ask for one? You are so good. If I were to tell you the truth, I would ask you to forget your principles and honour. I would ask you to be different than you are. Deny everything for my sake. But am I worth that much? And to you? You chase crime and criminals. How could you let one run? How can I ask for this? How selfish would that be of me? You would become bad because of me, and I don't want that. Stay as you are.

And I'm so sorry that I don't trust you as much as you deserve. I have only myself to blame for my doubts. 

I was completely exhausted by the time I put my cello down, but at least I knew what I wanted to perform at the competition. This gave me a little relief, but more doubts pushed me down.

I put my instrument away and went to the kitchen. Mother and Ailish looked at me expectantly, and I looked back at them in confusion.

„What is it?" I asked then when neither of them spoke.

„Are you done?" Ailish asked. „We thought you'd never finish, you've been locked up for so long. What is this anyway? Will you perform this?" She chatted.

„Eat fast so you can go to bed as soon as possible." Mother was also buzzing around. „In the days before the competition, you need a lot of rest to be in your best shape." She looked much more excited than I felt. So I sat down on one of the chairs.

„Sure." I nodded. „However, I have something to say during dinner. I'll be quick." They too have settled down.

I asked Rhys if I could speak openly about his family to them. This relationship is still so new to me, I don't know what is allowed and what is not. I may never know. I don't want to hurt him in any way. But he said I can tell them everything, it's better if they know too. So I started talking.