Chapter 18

5' 8"-5' 9"

"Hi," Noah said reluctantly after opening the door and looking at Scott, as if he was saying, 'What the hell are you doing here?' 

"Hey..." his friend stuttered after noticing that Noah wasn't standing alone in front of him. Ethan was standing behind his back. For some reason, Thomson's presence felt like he was actually standing in front of Noah, not behind him. Even Noah felt it—the ultimate safety and intimidating impunity. It was eerie. But it felt nice. Now he could understand the meaning of the phrase 'as safe as a church'. If Thomson were a sculpture, he would have probably been made out of titanium. 

"Ugh…Oh…" Scott moved back unintentionally, looking from Noah back to Ethan disconcertingly. Morgan could take a single guess and say what his friend was thinking about. If there was any other person besides Ethan, Noah would be mad. But the thought of Morgan possibly sleeping with Thomson made him happy, or even proud, for some reason. 

Ethan eyed the unwanted guest from head to toe. Thomson looked like he was trying to count how many injuries he could give Scott and get away with it after. Noah pushed those thoughts away. Of course, Ethan wasn't counting anything because, apparently, he already knew where and how to punch in order to get away with it later in court. The most important thing was not to overdo it. 

"Can…M-m… Can I talk to you?" Scott asked, shifting from foot to foot. He looked tired and anxious. Dark circles under his eyes were definitely showing that he had hardly had any sleep the night before, "In private, if it's possible," Scott added, and he licked his lips nervously. 

Thomson looked at Noah, questioning him with his eyes. 

"Sure," Morgan said drily, even though he wasn't entirely ready for a conversation with his friend. He was still emotional about their fight the day before. The wounds were so fresh, they could open up with a single wrong word, which could definitely buffet the abrasive relationship between Noah and Scott. However, Noah didn't want to keep the conflict unsolved, and he also couldn't let himself kick Scott out of his flat. If his friend came here to make it up with Noah, he should be listened to. Scott's request to talk in private seemed logical. He didn't want to involve other people in this conversation, either. How would Ethan react, though? He definitely wasn't the winner of a competition called 'The most tactful guy in the world.' Was it possible to ask Thomson politely to leave and not hurt his feelings? 

"I'll wait in the car," Ethan said suddenly, carefully handing Noah his metallic pen. 

"I won't need it," Morgan wanted to refuse, but Thomson made it clear that he wasn't going to leave until Noah accepted his gift. 

"What is it for?" Scott sounded confused, since the pen looked just like a regular pen to him. 

"For your testament," Ethan exhaled, leaving the flat and walking slowly across the hallway, "If Morgan doesn't come downstairs in twenty minutes, I'll come back," he said matter-of-factly. Scott felt so confused by this assuredness, he definitely wanted to snap back at Ethan, but he never did it. Yes, that's right. It wasn't important at the moment. After all, he didn't come here to fight with Thomson. He came to see Noah. 

"May I come in?" Scott asked quietly. Morgan stepped aside in silence, welcoming him with the gesture, "Uhm…you and Thomson…" it was extremely inappropriate at the moment, but his friend was definitely dying of curiosity. 

"No," Noah said sharply, "He just came over to support me after yesterday's post in the anonymous chat." 

'And he spent the night here?' Scott's eyes were definitely asking this question. But he decided not to ask it out loud. 

"Ugh… Yes… I saw. I'm sorry I didn't come over. I… You see…" 

"There is no need to find excuses. You've already suffered enough," Noah couldn't help but notice acidly, even though he didn't want to fight with Scott. Or did he?

The guy sighed heavily. 

"Forgive me," Scott leaned his back against the door tired, "I said a lot of shit yesterday. I didn't actually mean it. Nobody suffers around you. It's all bullshit. I was cruel to you. You didn't deserve it. Please, I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry for what I've said!" he rattled quietly. Noah felt that Scott had been rehearsing these sentences in front of the mirror. 

"If, as you say, I don't deserve it, then what the hell happened yesterday?" Morgan frowned. 

"Jealousy, Noah. I was freaking jealous, and it's driving me crazy!" Scott had never talked about his feelings for Andrea before. Never. This unexpected confession put down the fire of anger that had been storming inside Noah since yesterday's lunch. "Do you know how I feel about Andrea?" 

"You need to be an idiot not to notice it," Noah didn't want to hide anything, "And, while I was looking at you suffering, I never understood why you didn't tell her about your feelings. It would definitely be better than…" 

"That's the thing," Scott waved aside, sliding down the wall and sitting down on the floor. "That's the thing, Noah. I've already told her about it in May." 

Morgan froze. He looked at his friend suspiciously, thinking at first that he might've gotten Scott wrong. In May? Why didn't Noah know about it? Okay, Scott was always secluded, and Noah could easily imagine him not sharing some personal stories or feelings in the beginning. But Andrea? Why didn't she tell him about it? The girl who could share her personal opinion even about the pads she was using?

"And? What did she say?" Noah tried to hide how confused and…a bit offended he was. Both of his friends were hiding such an important piece of information. But the voice betrayed him. 

"I need to think about it," Scott said, frowning painfully. It seemed that these words felt worse than the blade of the knife. 

"And what happened next?" Morgan tried to continue. 

"There was no 'next'," Scott made a helpless gesture, "She's still thinking apparently!" he said with a sad smile. 

"But… She's… She's sending all these nudes. And, I think, she had an affair in the summer. She told us about it in every… And even now..." Noah shouldn't have told all that out loud, because every fact injured Scott even more, but Morgan just couldn't hide the astonishment. He couldn't bear what he had heard. How was it even possible?! 

"Yes, Noah. Nudes. Guys. Dates. Sex. And she's still thinking," Scott admitted. 

"Wait, I think I'm losing something," Noah shook his head, sitting on the floor in front of his friend; Peanut laid on the floor in front of Scott, happy to see a new guest. The cat was stretching his front paws and tried scratching the shoes, hinting that he needed some attention—as a price for being present in the flat. Fluffy sat behind Noah. He was watching. The black cat was way less happy to see a new person than Peanut. 

"Let's get it straight," Noah suggested, "You told Andrea about your feelings in May. She said that she needed to think about it. What happened next?" 

"We were separated over the summer because we left home to visit our families." 

"Were you in touch over that time?" 

"We almost weren't. I was trying to keep in touch, but I didn't want to be annoying. I usually texted her to wish her a good morning or a good night. I was just trying to ask how she was doing. She always seemed so busy. She would text back a couple of hours or a couple of days later. And she didn't seem interested. Like she was keeping a distance, building a wall. It never happened before until I told her how I felt." 

"Did you ask her whether she made any decision?" 

"No." 

"And then? Did you talk after she got back to California?" 

"I asked her out to the cafe when she got back and wanted to talk about it all. But…" 

"But?" Noah shook up. 

"When I came there, she wasn't alone. You were there with her, too.." 

"Oh…" Noah suddenly recalled how Andrea was almost screaming out of excitement over the phone that there was a new, sick cafe near Scott's house, and they definitely had to go there all together! No excuses accepted.

"Yeah… So I started getting mad at you. I was getting mad at everyone who was together with us, when we could, as I thought, spend some time alone. I know, it's unfair. Andrea was the one to invite all of those people, who had been bothering us. She didn't want us to be alone together. She didn't want me to bring up the topic of our hypothetical relationships. She probably didn't consider me to be her boyfriend in the first place. However, she doesn't want to tell me straight about it for some reason. That's why I'm still hoping for something; can you imagine it? I still have hope, though I'm mad. I'm not only mad at the others; I'm also mad at Andrea. Why doesn't she tell me straight? I'm mad at myself, too. I could've asked her a long time ago, but I'm afraid of the answer. This harem of guys surrounding her speaks clearly that she doesn't need me in her life! No! Nothing of that matters. This is all just a fling, nothing serious. Andrea can build a long, serious, and good relationship with me because she didn't say 'no'! She said, 'I need to think about it!' It's not the same!.. Yes, I'm an idiot!" Scott agreed, even though Noah didn't say anything, "And a wuss. I'm just watching a girl I have a crush on sending photos in her underwear to some dumb mimbos! Yet I'm fantasizing about some big love. Yeah, sure… I just hate myself." 

"Scott, stop it. You're not a wuss, you shouldn't be so hard on yourself," Noah assured his friend. 

"I am a wuss!" the guy insisted. 

"You need to have a talk with Andrea. I'm sure there should be a reason for her behavior. I don't know why, though. The situation seems pretty clear right now, but... Nothing can be one hundred percent clear. Andrea isn't such a cruel maneater. She wouldn't do that to you." 

"She would! She already did!" Scott screamed out, pulling his hair so hard that it looked like he wanted to pull it out entirely.

"Then we need to find out why she did that," Noah announced, "Today at lunch, you'll tell her everything. Or I'll do it," he stated. 

"No, I won't," Scott said, shaking his head sadly. 

"Why is that so?" 

"Andrea and I had a big fight yesterday after you left. She even threw an empty juice box at me," Scott said with a suffering look. 

"Wow, if Ethan was there, he would suggest you sue her for assault and non-pecuniary damage!" Noah joked. Scott, however, didn't share his sense of humor and continued to frown. 

"You and him... You got so close," he said, trying to find the right words, "I'm sorry; I know that it's not my business, but... Don't you think everything's happening too fast?" 

"What's happening? We're just friends." Noah shrugged his shoulders. 

"I'm sure you're aware that it's impossible to be friends with a person you like," Scott snorted, "It's impossible, no matter how hard you try. It will be getting difficult day after day," there was no reason not to believe Scott. He had done enough research to write a thesis already. Or, maybe, two.

"You're right," Noah sighed heavily. It seemed that Scott and Noah were in the same boat. 

"Just, please, be careful, okay? Don't sink into feelings for Thomson until you're sure that this guy deserves your heart and trust," Scott added, noticing Noah's sullen look. He tried to stress the point that their problems were different, and Noah's struggle wasn't about mutuality. It was more about a guy he had a crush on. 

'Too late,' Noah thought. He was head over heels about him. 

"Sure thing," he said out loud. Should he bring up the topic of Andrea having a possible crush on Ethan? Was it a good time to talk about that? No. Of course, not. It wasn't a good time. It was the worst time, "Let's talk about Andrea. You know she's never angry for a long time. I don't think that your fight the other day will keep you away from seeing her at lunch," Morgan assured, "So that you can get clear." 

"To be honest, I hoped so this morning, so I texted her. Andrea didn't even ignore me. She answered that she was leaving to her grandparents for some time. So that we could talk after she gets back. She also asked not to call or text her while she's away. It's a bad sign." 

"Well, she used to do that sometimes before. And she asked not to call or text her before. It always seemed strange to me. Strangely typical for Andrea," Noah specified, trying to hide his worries about his friend. Indeed, Andrea had done something like that before. And every time Morgan was worried about her. When an extrovert person would suddenly get lost for no reason, that always felt alarming. However, no matter how hard Noah tried talking to Andrea about the reasons why she had been doing that, she just made jokes about it.

"She did, yeah. But not at the beginning of the semester. And not so suddenly, without saying anything. Also, we were supposed to perform in 'I want you deadly' this Friday. She didn't tell anyone from the band, I've already asked. She definitely left because of what had happened. And it's my fault. I feel terrible. I deserve it." 

"Stop blaming yourself! It won't help fixing the problem," Noah noticed, frowning, "Andrea's reaction looks like she's trying to run away from her problems." 

"Exactly." 

"But she can't stay at her grandparents' forever. You said it yourself—it's the beginning of a semester. Andrea's quite responsible. She wouldn't miss out on her studies because of some minor misunderstanding between us. Which means she'll come back in a couple of days. It's for the best! We'll have plenty of time to think about a nice gesture from you. Something she won't resist!" 

"Like what?" Scott asked skeptically. 

"We need some time to think about it. But I'm sure we'll come up with something. We both know Andrea quite well to make her happy. You just have to charm her!" 

"You think?" Scott continued frowning, but his face beamed with a smile. Okay, maybe he didn't believe in Noah's idea, but still... There was a little hope in his eyes. 

"I'm sure," Noah nodded, "And now stand up. If we don't leave now, we'll be late for class." 

"Do you need a ride?" 

"No. Ethan's going to pick me up." 

"Hm…" Scott scratched the tip of his nose embarrassedly, "At least, now we know for sure that Thomson's gay," he mumbled. 

"No, we don't," Noah shook his head, "We never talked about it. If you start the same conversation that he's gay because he chose me, and not…"

"No-no, that's not what I meant," Scott interrupted Noah immediately, "However, just think about it: a guy comes over to your house when you're feeling down in the dumps and spends the night with you." 

"You could've done the same thing," Noah noticed, "Which you did, not once. You're a guy, and you've spent nights with me before. Just admit that you're in love with me then!" Noah expressed terror on his face, and Scott laughed tensely. Finally, that wrinkle on his nose bridge disappeared. 

"That's true. But we've been friends for a long time already. How long have you known Ethan? Two weeks? Only some saint guy, who has nothing to do with Ethan, would start fixing someone's problems after knowing them for a couple of weeks. I think that if Ethan entered the church, it would catch on fire," Noah pictured that immediately and confirmed that this image definitely fit into Ethan Thomson's world view. "However, if Ethan has feelings different from friendship, it's a whole different game," Scott said with a conspiratorial look, "He's definitely into you." 

"Don't give me false hope," Noah shook his head, "The least thing I want is to build castles in the air again and fall down from them with no parachute," he snorted.

"Okay, I'll pretend I didn't notice the way he's looking at you. Like a wolf at a lamb." 

"Wolves eat lambs," Noah reminded Scott. 

"Are you sure? Pornhub would argue that," Scott noticed innocently, "Considering that university today is just going crazy because Ethan confirmed you two have some sort of relationship..." 

Oops. 

"He was just making fun of my bullies," Noah waved off, pushing Scott out of the flat, then leaving it and closing the door. They could continue their chit-chatting, but university lecturers wouldn't wait on anyone. 

"Just making fun? Oh, I'm sure you're just naive," Scott chuckled. 

"Don't be silly," Noah mumbled, trying to hide his embarrassment and how cheerful he felt after his friend's words. Surprisingly, Scott was usually right about these matters. Before Noah told Matthew about his feelings but was already following him everywhere around campus, Scott was certain that his interest was mutual. However, he also insisted that Matthew was a jerk. Scott was right about everything. Speaking of Ethan, Noah wanted to believe in their mutual chemistry. Noah ignored everything that was being said about Thomson being dangerous. Yes, it seemed like pink glasses were back on his face. Still, Noah didn't want to throw the hope of dating Ethan aside just because he hypothetically could get hurt. He who goes into the sea should never be afraid of storms. 

"Is Thomson a virgin? What do you think?" the conversation was getting interesting colors. 

"I don't think so," Noah said, shaking his head. Apparently, he should've asked Scott to shut up. His love for dirty talk was over the line sometimes. On the other hand, that was why Noah preferred talking about things related to sex around him. Scott never felt ashamed about bringing up that subject. Due to that fact, sex-related conversations felt more like sophisticated small talks. 

"Yeah, I also don't think he's an innocent flower," Scott shared his opinion, "What do you think, is he a top?"

Noah flushed. 

'That'd be awesome.'

"I have no idea," he said, feeling his cheeks turning red. 

"How do people even understand which role they prefer?" Scott tapped on his chin thoughtfully, as if he was trying to solve some difficult math problem. 

"I don't know." 

"Well, you want to be underneath someone, not on top. Where does it come from? What made you think so?"

Noah already regretted making it up with Scott! He just wouldn't stop talking about things he shouldn't have! 

"Well, I don't dream about someone shoving something in my ass," Noah mumbled angrily. Even though sometimes he did see something like that in his dreams, "It's more about..." 

"Well?" 

"I'd like to..." 

"Aha." 

"I like that feeling that I..." 

"That you what?" Scott didn't think about quitting. 

"That I'm desirable." 

"I thought that tops desire bottoms, and vice versa. Am I wrong?" 

"God!" Noah grunted, "Why are we even talking about it?!"

"Why shouldn't we?" 

"I don't know what to say. I just want him to... 

"You want him to fuck you?" Scott hinted. Noah got mad. 

"For fuck's sake, yes! I want him to fuck me! Are you happy?"

Scott was silent. 

"I wish Andrea felt something like that for me one day," he sighed with grief in his voice, "I guess it feels nice when someone wants you to fuck them. Ethan's lucky." 

Noah had mixed feelings. On one hand, he wanted to cut the talk about Ethan; on the other – Scott's thoughts about Andrea got him off guard. Probably his friend just wanted to hide the pain behind these comments. The pain he had because of the situation with his friend, or better say, with his might-have-been girlfriend. If that was true, Noah should've been patient about it. 

"Do you think he has a big dick?" 

Or not so patient! 

"Scott, are you out of your mind?! I have no clue what Ethan…" 

"Well, it's possible to notice something. For example, when he was sitting down. Didn't you look closely?" 

"Scott!" 

"He's a bit short, but I saw guys with such huge junk on Pornhub I could only dream of. And I'm almost 6'2! However, everything could be completely opposite. What if his dick is only a couple of inches long when he's hard-on?" 

"I don't know how the conversation ended with discussing the length of my penis, but if you're so curious, my body's quite proportional." 

Scott and Noah already came downstairs, but they were so busy (discussing Thomson's penis) that they didn't notice Ethan standing at the door. 

'What a wonderful day for a suicide,' Noah thought, feeling his heart skip a beat. The level of humiliation reached incredible heights over the past half an hour. 

"Does proportional mean small?" Scott didn't seem bothered at all!

"Proportional means average," Ethan answered half-heartedly, "I never ran around with a rule to measure it. I'd say something like 5.5 inches. I would show it to you, but, unfortunately, I don't find your stupid face attractive in any way." 

"Yeah, sure. I see you prefer more good-looking guys," Scott snapped back. Of course, when he said 'good-looking', he meant Noah. Morgan had already opened his mouth to finish the conversation, but Ethan was faster. 

"Oh, so you're one of those geniuses, who thinks the more, the better? Well, I'll give you advice, so you won't screw up in front of your girlfriend; I suggest you google what clitoris is, where it is located, and what you should do with it," Thomson advised, "Instead of bragging about your size and showing off in front of the mirror, you better train your tongue," Ethan said, and he showed a cunnilingus sign with his two fingers and a tongue between them. 

"Yeah, I think I'll take your advice," Scott chuckled. Luckily for Noah, he decided not to start a fight out of nowhere, "Okay, I gotta go. I'll see you at lunch?" he asked, looking at Morgan. 

"Sure!" Noah nodded. 

"No, that's not going to happen," Ethan shook his head, "We need to find one woman at lunch." 

"What woman?" Scott didn't get it. 

"Damn, I completely forgot! Um… I'll tell you later!" Noah promised, "And now we really need to go," he mumbled, pushing Scott gently outside the building before he said anything else embarrassing. 

"Okay, see ya," Scott didn't want to argue, "You should think about our earlier conversation," he said, before going towards his car. 

"Conversation about my dick?" Thomson reacted immediately, burning Noah with his look. 

It was definitely the best morning for a suicide ever. 

"I have no idea how it ended with... Ugh!" Noah scurried, "I'm sorry!" 

"I'm tired of you saying you're sorry," Ethan grunted, "Well... How much taller are you? Like four inches? How tall are you?" he asked suddenly. 

"Well… I don't know for sure. Something between 5' 8" and 5' 9"," Noah didn't know his actual height. 

"Oh. So, you're not four, you're almost six inches taller." 

Ethan's voice remained calm, but he was definitely getting mad. 

"I don't know," Noah mumbled. 

"What about the dick?"

"Excuse me?" 

"Do you know how long your penis is?" 

Noah should've gotten embarrassed, but he was losing it. At first, it was Scott, now it was Ethan. What's their problem?! 

"I have no clue how long my penis is!" he was mad, "I never measured it!" 

"Oh, why is that so?" Ethan shook his head, like he was expressing disapproval. 

"Because… Who fucking cares?" Noah screamed out of bewilderment. Thomson smiled ironically. 

"That's the right answer," he nodded. What the hell is he talking about?

"And you… Why are you here? You said you were going to wait in the car, weren't you?" Noah started to understand that something wasn't right. Ethan didn't answer, he just stared at the street, where the small rain had already turned into a shower. 

'It would be funny if I froze in the middle of the street because the rain started.'

No. It wasn't funny at all. 

5' 3"

Scott turned out to be smarter than Ethan thought when he met him for the first time. He didn't just start the topic (he was definitely the one who began talking about it) about Thomson's size out of the blue. He was making fun of poor Morgan, who could easily fall for it. Considering how casually they talked with Noah, Ethan understood that the conflict was over, which didn't make him happy. Unfortunately, Morgan was one of those people who could forgive easily and be apologetic about everything all the time. Scott was definitely aware of it, and he used these traits for his own good.

It was interesting how the conversation between Noah and Scott would've ended if Ethan hadn't interrupted them. Morgan would then sit in Thomson's car, red as a tomato, and then he would definitely avoid his direct look for days. It was a pity that Ethan lost a chance to mock Noah a little bit. And he lost it because of a stupid reason—it was raining. 

As soon as a couple of cold drops landed on his head, Ethan jumped back under the roof unconsciously, trying to calm his beating heart. Acidly-bright pictures shredded by tranquilizers hit his temples and his solar plexus, making Thomson choke on air. 

He just wasn't used to it. The summer in California was dry. Ethan preferred staying at home when there were rare rainy days. Well, on sunny days, too. As a result, the control that Thomson felt in May vanished in September, like he had never had it. The sounds of rain that Ethan would usually turn on in the car helped him pull himself together a little bit. But that was it. 

He should've asked Morgan for an umbrella. However, he didn't want to interrupt their conversation. No, he needed to collect himself and run towards his car by himself. 

Ethan tried to make himself do it. He really did. Not once. But he remained inside until Noah and Scott showed up. 

"I'll go bring an umbrella," Morgan said matter-of-factly. He didn't want to emphasize Ethan's condition, but he understood immediately that Noah had remembered their conversation on the way to the retirement home. Thomson didn't go into details, but Noah just needed a single phrase to remember. 

"No," Ethan shook his head and turned towards the exit, sure that he was able to go outside in the rain, "Or yes," he said quietly after a minute of remaining on the same spot. He couldn't regain control easily, no matter how hard he wanted it. Problems like that one were impossible to solve with just willpower. 

Morgan ran up the stairs silently, and soon he came down to Ethan, holding the umbrella in his hand. First, he went outside, opened the umbrella above his head, and welcomed Ethan with a gesture. Standing underneath the umbrella that had a picture of a blue sky with seldom white clouds, Noah seemed the only source of warmth, surrounded by everyday grayness. Speaking of Ethan, he pictured himself as a wild animal hiding in the dark cave and not having the guts to step outside his shady asylum. 

Finally, Thomson stepped outside to join Noah under the umbrella. The car was standing right there. Just several steps away. However, Morgan helped Ethan get in the car first, and only after he got in the driver's seat did Noah go around the car and plop down into the passenger's seat. 

"Who knew it would rain so hard," Morgan snorted, holding the wet umbrella between his thighs. He had to spread them a bit wider so that the water dripping from the umbrella wouldn't wet his jeans or his seat. Anyone would've thought that it was the right decision. Ethan, however, was thinking that someone else should've spread his legs, not an umbrella. 

"By the way," Noah took the pen out of the pocket and handed it to Ethan, "It wasn't necessary, but thank you." 

"You can keep it." 

"No, I've told you before that I'm not a fan of blade weapons. I won't feel comfortable with a knife in my pocket." 

"I'll feel comfortable, though," Ethan smirked, placing his hands on the steering wheel. 

"That's selfish," Noah noticed. 

"I never said I was a self-sacrificing lover of mankind," Thomson grunted, "You're calm when you worry about others being safe. I'm calm when I know you're safe. And yes, in this case, I think my comfort is more important than yours." 

"You're such an…ass," Noah said with a look like he couldn't believe his ears. It amused Ethan. 

"Did you just get it?" he smiled. 

"Oh, screw you," Morgan said, frowning. However, he put the pen back in his pocket. 

Good boy.

Ethan and Noah decided to meet near Morgan's department at lunch to walk around the campus and search for that girl who was responsible for the stupid picture with a coffee cup. Morgan was skeptical, claiming that there were too many people at the university and that it was as easy to find her as it was to find a needle in a haystack. Ethan was on the urge to say that it was way easier to find a needle when you could just burn the haystack. Morgan also worried that his memory could play him false, so he wouldn't be able to recognize the girl. Ethan didn't say anything about that. It was true that their search might not show the result they hoped for, but he had a feeling that they were able to find that girl. He had that feeling on Tuesday, when the search showed no results. He had the same feeling on Wednesday, even though it ended with nothing. On Thursday, when anyone else would've started giving up, Thomson still had the same hope; when Morgan was sitting cross-legged on the bench, feeding pigeons some bread, and suddenly said:

"Oh, there she is."