Sonnetica

Responsibilities are a heavy burden placed upon you when taking actions or when speaking out words. 

That’s why Jihun doesn’t like responsibilities. He doesn’t want being accounted for his actions and words. The way he live his life without a thought and commitment.

But reality are far from expectations.  You can’t actually run away from responsibilities. Well, one special responsibility is your life. You are responsible for your life.

The same goes for Jihun but he still tenaciously tries his best to run from his responsibilities. Is he able to keep up with his acts even with unusual events happening suddenly in his 2nd year of highschool?

Contradict Human

I never really thought I'm a genius.

No. Specifically, lately the thought of that has gradually faded away.

It would be a lie to say I never have had the thought of being a genius. Everyone probably has had the same thought at least once throughout their life.

The same goes for me, when I was younger I was able to get great results in exam without giving much effort and thought "I must be a genius.".

Not exactly 'genius' but something like academically smart. Since I knew if I was a genius I'd be achieving something more crazy anyway but you get the point.

After growing up though, I just wasn't able to get good results anymore. I only get 'not so bad' results.

Since then, the thought of not being smart sinked in. But it's not like I put much effort anyways. So, I can't say that I'm not smart. It's just that I'm not able to get good results without studying.

To prove this, I got a B in physics when I studied last minute. So I could probably get an A if I put in a bit more effort. Or that's what I'd like to think.

The thing is it is nothing more than speculations. Sure I might actually get it but the thing is I don't.

I never actually put in much effort even though I think I can actually do it. It's not like I don't study at all but I just don't push myself that hard.

The reason for that is because when I put in effort, I'm responsible for the results. Let's say I actually push myself and I didn't get an A, then that would prove that I'm just not smart. And that would definitely shatter my confidence.

So overtime I developed a certain mechanism to not take responsibilities in whatever I do. The way is I never actually put my heart into something. Including in relationships and hobbies.

I don't take responsibility in my words with others. I don't push myself when training sports. I don't try my best to be close to others. Or you could say, I do things 'half-heartedly.'

Maybe it's considered boorish but it's just the way it is you know. Can't actually blame me right? Haha.

Anyway, that's how I have been living my life recently. Doing things without commiting to it. Talking to people just because without actually any attachments.

The mechanism i built is to protect my peace and comfort while also damaging my sanity.

Not like in an edgy "You don't understand my suffering." way though. I just don't feel emotions that strongly.

Welp, that was a long ass elaboration.

I sorted out these thoughts all while going through my daily school activities. I've always messy thoughts about this so I just decided to sort it out today.

Anyway I'm currently lying in my bed with closed eyes. I tried to finish sorting out my thoughts before taking a nap.

Like always, I had an exhausting day. I just finished classes at 5.30 p.m. I also slept late last night so it affected my concentration in classes.

"Haaaaahhhh…." I let out a sigh after having finally being able to relax.

Then after a while I started lose consciousness and fell into slumber.

A Certain Mechanism