17

The rest of the walk was completely quiet. No one spoke, and no one made a move toward me. Kindness didn't come without a cost. I'd learned that the hard way a very long time ago. I'd given as much as I could to my mother, and she'd punished me for it. 

Taking all I could give, and telling me it wasn't enough. It was a situation that really hurt me. My mom never acknowledged it no matter how many times I told her she was hurting me, and then she completely stopped contacting me when I moved out. If she couldn't get something from me then she just didn't bother talking to her own daughter. I was surprised that she'd called me at all. 

I still just didn't want to hear her voice. I'd been hurt by her so much over the years. I just couldn't hear her voice without feeling phantom pains. My instincts drove me to flee from her whenever we met in person. I hadn't seen her in months, and I still felt that strong urge to flee. 

Most of me wanted to rush straight to my family right now, but there was still that small part of me that wanted to flee from years of dark memories, and mental pain. The weight of it had simply broken me over the years. I felt guilt at feeling such pain over words alone, because so many people had it far worse then me, but at some point it just stopped being enough. I knew I had to leave when I went to my dad's gun safe, and started trying to figure out the combination. I'd ignored my pain up until then. 

Forcing myself to pretend everything was ok until my mind simply couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't even remember the last time I'd felt happy at that point. I still rarely felt any real joy. I wasn't going to count those times I felt vicious joy because that feeling didn't bring me any lingering good vibes, and tended to have the opposite effect on me once it faded. Making me feel intense guilt for feeling joy while killing. 

That guilt was becoming less, and less each time I killed. I was sure it was an affect of the dragon egg. Either that or I was more messed up in the head then I thought I was. The scary thing was that wasn't entirely out of the question. I could very easily be more fucked up then I thought I was. 

I rubbed my forehead nervously at that thought, and then went to check on the boys. I helped out for a while before heading back to the alley to really focus on exercising. I was already one of the strongest people in the camp so pushing my stats up was working. The problem was the number of exercises I needed to get those stat points. Mana was easy enough to work with, but there was a limit to how many rotations I could make. 

I needed to clear out more of my mana veins. I'd only cleared out the main channels so far, and the rest was clogged with junk. I frowned to myself as I exercised. Part of me wanted to cry some more, and another part knew there wasn't any point to it right now. Tomorrow was the long run. 

Boss man was sending us all the way back up to Arlington to clear out the grocery stores up that way. I knew that the Safe way was the best store to go to because of all the spider monsters that were in the store. It had been two weeks since the last time I'd seen that store, and I knew it wasn't going to be a small group project. Even if he sent as many fighters as possible it would still probably take us a few days to clear the building out as long as the spider monsters were still there, and hadn't spread to the surrounding territories. If I found a dungeon while we were out, and about I was going to go in. 

If I was able to clear a dungeon by myself then I should be heavily rewarded. This whole awakening thing was acting like a game so I could expect a few game like traits. Higher rewards for higher achievements. I stopped, and went to Johnny, and Sam. They weren't asleep yet, but they were getting ready for bed. 

I pulled them away from the barracks to talk to them privately. 

"What's going on?" Johnny asked as Sam rubbed his eyes tiredly. 

"Tomorrow we're going a lot further then the last few days," I started, "It's more dangerous so it will take longer."

Johnny's expression turned serious as he nodded slowly. 

"While I'm out there," I continued, "If I find a dungeon. I'm going into that dungeon." I sighed, "If I go in by myself I might not come back."

"You can't leave us alone," Sam rushed forward, and clung to my arm. 

"I'll come back if I can Sam," I rubbed the back to his head gently with my free hand, "But if I do this I'll get stronger, and if I get stronger I'll be able to protect you even better."

"No," Sam stuffed his tear streaked face into my arm. 

I pulled him away from my arm gently, and crouched down to look him in the eye. 

"Look Sam," I sighed heavily, "I'll do everything I can to come back to you two, but..." I smiled sadly, "If I don't get stronger I won't be able to protect you for much longer. I want you boys to grow up big, and strong, and I can't do that with how weak I am now."

"No," Sam repeated. 

Pushing his way into my arms. He sobbed against my chest. Telling me no over, and over again. I invited Johnny in to the hug so he could stop being grown up for a little bit. Johnny accepted my offer.