Apologies

Bea's POV

I'm sitting in detention with Ryan, and it's awkward. I don't like him. I don't know how to handle this situation. His eyes are closed and he has his head leaned back against the wall. He looks so relaxed, but when I look at him sideways, his face is pained. Like he just went through something terrible. And then there's me. I feel like I have to constantly be on edge because of what happened today.

"You're such a strong woman."

"What does that mean?" I ask, not looking over at him.

"It means you're stronger than most people would ever think they could be," he answers, his voice calm and soft.

My heart skips a beat.

He keeps talking. "I never thought you'd want to get out of your shell, but once you did...you surprised everyone. Even yourself."

My eyes dart up to his, which are still closed.

His eyes open and I see that now they're full of sadness. "Yes. Everyone."

I swallow hard and try to relax into the chair. It's hard though since every time I do, Ryan seems to shift uncomfortably.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you've finally got what you want," He looks over at me, "Josh really loves you, I heard him on the field today confessing his love."

That's what this is about, his jealousy.

"Ryan," I turn to face him, "Are you okay?"

"No, I've fucked up everything. Josh told Steph, I have nothing. I have no one-"

"Josh told Steph what?"

"About us, about the kiss."

"There was no us, it was a mistake. I'm glad that she knows."

The teacher comes in a few minutes later and tells us both we're free to go. I stand up first and reach for my bag as he walks by.

He says nothing as we leave together, but as soon as we step outside, he grabs my arm.

"Wait," he says softly, leading me to the side of the building where no one can hear us.

Once we're alone, he reaches out and touches my cheek. "How are you doing?" His tone is soft and soothing.

I swallow and nod. I don't trust myself to speak right now.

He takes a deep breath and exhales. "I need to apologise, Bea."

"Why?" My voice cracks.

"Because I was wrong. How could I tell you all those horrible things and expect you to forgive me? What kind of man would I be if I expected that from you?"

My eyes fill with tears again. I've been crying a lot lately. "I do forgive you," I say quietly.

He shakes his head. "No, you don't really understand. You don't know what it's like to be me. To have everything taken away from you-"

"Ryan, what do you mean?"

He breathes in heavily, trying to prevent tears, "My brother passed away."

I sit there in silence, feeling a wave of sadness wash over me. I wanted to be there for Ryan and show my support, but I could only imagine the pain he was enduring.

I still felt a tinge of anger and resentment towards Ryan. He had been so weird and close with me lately, and I didn't understand why. Now I knew why he had been acting so strangely, and it made me feel even worse. I wished I could take away his pain, and I wished I could have been more understanding.

I wanted to forgive him for his behaviour, but it still wasn't excusable.

"I know what you're thinking right now Bea,"

"Do you?"

"It's not excusable, that's what you're thinking. But all I wanted was- I just wanted a familiar face. And when things started going well with you and Josh, I felt neglected."

First of all-actually let me hear him out.

"I need you Bea, I need you now more than ever. I don't have Steph, I don't have anyone."

"Ryan, I can be there for you. As a friend."

"That's all I wanted."

I walk towards Josh's car and-

"Where are you going?"

I feel bad-

"Everyone's hanging out at Josh's today."

"Oh. Ok-"

"Do you wanna come?"

We get in the car awkwardly. I can't believe I'm with my boyfriend and my ex right now, two of my most important people in the world. However, at this moment one feels more important than the other.

"Why is he here?" Josh asks quietly.

He's looking at Ryan suspiciously.

"I mean, why did you bring him?"

"Why not Josh?"

"You could've told me-"

"Well, I didn't so-"

"Bea, don't be like this."

"Oh fuck off Josh, I'm not in the mood."

Ryan clears his throat, "You guys know I'm still here, right?"

"Of course we do," Josh sighs, "Don't you have something better to do?"

"Not really, and when Bea invited me I couldn't really turn it down."

Are you fucking kidding me?!

He was invited out of pity, and he basically guilt tripped me into bringing him.

Ugh.

Josh pulls up outside the house, "Ryan you can go in." making me stay behind, "Whats going on?"

"His brother passed away. We can't just leave him."

"Fine. But did he apologise-"

"Yeah, he did. I think everything's fine now."

"Can you stay the night tonight?"

"Yeah, probably. As long as you make me breakfast tomorrow."

And that was it. Before it all went wrong.