Chapter 55

"Kokoro no Kiseki, I love you for who you are. I know you have a dark past but so do I. If you are a monster, then so am I. We have both killed. There is more to my past than what I've told you. I will tell you in a moment, but I wanted to say this first because I don't think I will get a chance to after you hear. You are worthy of love. You are more than deserving of me. It's me that is not deserving of you both, nor worthy of the love you have given me. You have given me your heart and it's a precious thing and something I will always protect and treasure. I will NEVER look at you like you are a killer, or a monster and I will NEVER turn away from you. I worry that you and Loki will one day feel you made a mistake and leave. Everyone leaves in my life, and I have always been alone." 

I took a deep breath and spoke to Loki, hoping it was not a bad time. 'Kokoro no Yokubo is now a good time? I have something to say to both of you.'

 I heard his answer instantly. 'Of course, my sweet. We are just resting at our hotel. I sense this is serious. Is this the thing you have kept behind a locked door so that not even I could see?' 

'Yes. It is important that you two know all of me before you both decide to stay.'

'Nothing you say could ever drive me away pet. I too have a dark past that when I return, I want to tell you for the same reason. You need to know everything you are getting with being with me. The good and the evil.'

'I love you Loki and nothing will make me ever leave you.'

'I love you too my dear. Always. Now please continue.'

I looked at Bucky and felt nervous. 

"I wanted you to know that I've brought Loki into the conversation. This is something I need to tell both of you." I gave a small smile. "To quote Loki, you need to know everything you are getting into with being with me."

I felt Loki's amusement and Bucky smiled. "Take it away Doll. The floor is yours."

I took a shaky breath, and I realized my hands were shaking. This was going to be even more painful to relive than the death of my family. Bucky saw how I was trembling, and he drew me to his side and held my hands between his. 

"The Hunter family I went to after I was found was... harsh, to put it mildly. No, let's call it what it was. It was highly abusive." I felt the sorrow from Loki and Bucky held my hands tighter. "There was the father, and he had a son. Obviously, I was the only girl. From the first night, I was ordered to do chores, many too difficult for a five-year-old. And when I wasn't able to do them or do them correctly, I was whipped. It was pretty much an everyday thing. I learned that when I messed up, I was beaten. I've had my nose broken and both arms broken several times. When my leg was broken, the local hospital started to believe that I wasn't that clumsy. So, the father stopped going so far as to break my bones but it made the whippings worse. I've had my back laid open more times than I can count. That's why my back is so scarred. And when I almost passed out from the pain, they made me clean my own blood from the floor. If I wasn't fast enough, I was kicked. They always told me I was worthless. That I would never amount to anything. That I was a waste of time, and no one would ever want me. Many times after they had made me bleed and had tired of seeing me, they locked me in the basement. There were rats down there and they were always drawn to the scent of blood, and I would be bitten over and over, too wounded to stop them."

I took a shaky breath. "Years passed and I was trapped there until I was seventeen. I almost gave up on life several times." This part was the hardest, but they had to know. "As I reached teenage years, they noticed that I was curvy. I lost count of the many times I was tied to a table, stripped, and...." 

I shuddered at the memory, and I felt the beginning of panic. I fought it back as I had to tell them. I had to get through this. "They would... touch me. Fondle my breasts. Push their fingers inside me. Once I had the handle of the whip shoved inside me and the son basically fucked me with it. The father would never let it get so far that they actually raped me. When I was seventeen, I snapped. The father was gone, and the son was a sadistic son of a bitch. He tied me to the table but he was in a hurry to restrain me so there was some slack. He had a long hunting knife and he threatened to shove it inside me if I moved. He took the whip and started to whip me. I was only used to it happening on my back, but he had tied me face up. He hit my entire front, my breasts, stomach, pussy. The pain was... unimaginable. Honestly, it was worse than that power blast if I am honest with myself. I was covered in welts and blood as many of the lashings cut deep in tender areas. I pulled against the binding and pulled my hands free. I grabbed that knife, and I stabbed him over and over. I was covered in his blood and mine. I knew the father would be back, so I hid. When he came through the front door, I snuck behind him and slit his throat. His blood showered everywhere. I felt no remorse at the time. I walked to the bathroom and showered the blood off me, the water stinging every open welt. I got dressed and left. 

The only teacher I have ever had was the Japanese Hunter that found me weeks later, laying in a ditch, hurt and almost dead. He took me back to where he was staying and nursed me back to health. He is the only one besides you two now that knows this story. 

Some of my wounds had gotten infected so healing took time. Once I was fully healed, he decided to teach me so I could survive. He taught me all my fighting skills and sword knowledge. He was a hard taskmaster, but he never hit me. I gradually learned to trust people. I always held myself apart from others until you two and this family. Now you know why I feel I am a monster. Only a monster would have had that much rage to turn the son into something you wouldn't have recognized as human. I slit the father's throat with no hesitation and no remorse. I truly am a monster, something evil. This is why I am not worthy of your love, the hearts you have given me. I am so scared that I will hurt you. And right now, I am absolutely terrified that you will see that I'm a monster and leave me. Having had someone love me and to know how it feels, it petrifies me to know that you will leave, and I will be alone again. That I will disgust you now. But I had to tell you."

I bowed my head and just cried. I cried for the little girl. I cried for the teenager. I cried with the knowledge that they would now hate me as much as I hated myself. It was why Dean had affected me so much even though he didn't know.

 I felt Bucky's arms go around me and hold me tight. I turned my head and cried into his chest. He was shaking. I was afraid he was just making himself touch me. I was something dirty and disgusting. I tried to pull away, but he wouldn't let me. My crying finally slowed down to where I could feel both Bucky and Loki in my head. I had blocked them as I was talking, leaving open the words but blocking feelings. I was scared to open those doors as I knew my heart would break. When they turned away from me, I knew my life would end soon after. I couldn't live without them, and I didn't want to. 

I felt them both shoving at the doors, trying to force their feelings in. I felt paralyzed. It terrified me about what was behind the door that they were so adamant to share with me. Gathering my courage, I opened their doors slightly. The force of them shoving open the doors wide mentally made me stumble back. I was shocked at what came through. Floods of love surrounded me. Caring, loving, wanting. And rage like I had never seen. I flinched, just knowing the rage was at me.

'No pet. Never at you. If I could go back and kill them for you I would. I would skin them alive for what they put you through. How could someone be so cruel to a child, to a woman of such grace and beauty? None of that was your fault. I will never turn from you. EVER. Remove that fear from your mind. Should you die today I would follow you. I too can not live without you.'

"He's right, Doll. I would help him to hurt them if I could. They were the monsters, never you. To have grown up with that abuse, I am in awe that you can love and trust us like you do. You are stronger than you know. If I didn't already worship you, this alone would make me. I love you Doll and like Loki, I will NEVER leave you. I can't live without you. If you die, so do I." He hugged me tightly. "I will spend every day of my life making sure you know you are deserving of our love."

I started to cry again. I was in shock. They didn't hate me, weren't disgusted by me.

'My darling, I do have a question.' I felt Loki hesitate. 'How are you able to do the things we do? Does not being with us sexually bring back nightmares? I would do nothing that harms you in any way. I would give up sex with you for the rest of our lives to spare you from that.'

"I agree, Doll. I am so sorry that I tied you to the bed. That must have been traumatic." He had tears in his eyes.

I held him close and answered both of them. "I can because you love me. I could never fear you. You excite me in a way no one has. Hence the disaster with the guy in the high school Master Akio enrolled me in. Luckily, I learn fast and he was able to teach me English, math, and everything I needed to be on the same level as the other kids so I wasn't teased.

 I didn't mind the bindings as I knew if you had hurt me in any way, you would have stopped and that you would have freed me if I had asked. I crave you both, it's like I can't get enough. I... I need that connection with you. I LOVE sex with you. It's something amazing and loving and special. Please... I beg you both, don't let this change anything. Don't shy away from having sex with me. I love every stroke, touch, bite. It sets me on fire and each time it heals that child, causing more of the past to disappear and be replaced with love. This is why I said you softened me. More and more of that guarded girl fades away and I open up more, like a flower, as I feel your love and the love of everyone here. You heal me as no one can. Aiko tried but could only heal my soul so much. You have healed it completely and brought forth who I am and who I should've always been."

I felt the emotion from both men. I heard Loki tell Thor that they needed to go home. NOW.