The Beasts of Ulyshia

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!!! This chapter includes depictions of physical abuse. Do not read this chapter if you are sensitive to these topics, or at least proceed cautiously. Viewer discretion is advised.

33 years ago, in West Virginia, United States of America

It was a truly grizzly scene, what was occurring at that playground. Rather than a happy scene of children playing on the swing sets, sliding on the slides, or playing tag with their friends, there was a group of children brutally beating another student. They were viciously kicking him while he was down, forcing his face into the snow and leaving bruises all over his body. The poor kid could do nothing but sit there as he was beaten, too scared to do anything. Soon, a savior came to his aid in the form of his 15-year-old older sister. "What are you doing to my brother?" She screamed out before lunging to his rescue. The bullies, however, merely pushed her to the ground and held her down, beating her instead. Her frail arms were too weak to even budge their grips on her.

The boys could only get a few hits in when she suddenly broke free from their grips effortlessly. She had gone from struggling to hold her own to brutally beating them down as if she was suddenly hundreds of times stronger than she was a moment ago. Leaving all of the boys a bloody mess, she walked over to her poor little brother to comfort him in her arms.

"There, there. It's all right. Those mean men can't hurt you anymore. I won't let anyone hurt you, not them or our father." She was comforting him as he wept into her shoulder, looking like the weak ten-year-old boy he was. "Let's go home," she told him before holding his hand to lead him home, where their problems would only get worse.

Instead of the two children being greeted by a warm home with two loving parents to take care of them, they were met with a rundown, shitty apartment with a grumpy old drunk man whom they called a father sitting on the couch, watching TV. "You're late," he said, clearly upset at them.

"We're sorry, father, but some bullies just attacked him. I had to save him."

Instead of the father being worried at the news of his son being assaulted, he became upset, rage quickly filling his face. "Is that so? My own son, my flesh and blood, needing to be saved by his sister."

"But father, he's only ten. There was nothing he could have d-." Her words were cut short by a backhanded smack to the face. He told her to go to her room, and she immediately did so, weeping the whole time. The small boy was left defenseless as his drunk father looked at him in anger.

"So, is it true that you needed to be bailed out by your sister?"

"Yes, father. They were just too strong, and I couldn't use my ability without hurting them."

"So, is that what it was? Poor little you was too scared to hurt somebody? Too scared to defend himself as he's being beaten down? Come here, son." Taking hold of his son's hand, he dragged him to the kitchen, pouring water into a pot and setting it on the stove to boil. "Are you truly that much of a pussy that you can't even fend off some little kids? Why? Why didn't you do anything about it?"

"But father, my ability is dangerous. I could have killed somebody if I used it then."

"SO WHAT?! WHO CARES IF SOME LITTLE SHITS END UP DEAD?! THEIR LIVES ARE WORTHLESS COMPARED TO YOURS!!!!" By this point, the father was furiously grabbing his son. In the living room, the boy's infant sister was crying. "Do you honestly think that life is just going to be easy for you? That you can just bend over and life won't fuck you over? Tell me, son, do you think life is precious? That humans are equal?"

Nervously, the kid nodded in agreement. This only made the father even more angry as the water began to heat up in the pot.

"No, you're wrong. People are not equal. You're better, stronger than all of them, and you just can't see it. Compared to you, everyone else is just a puny weakling. I know exactly what your Phoenix ability can do, and your fangs can seep into anyone. I don't know why you think that some weakling like your sister is going to be able to protect you your whole life."

"But, my sister is strong. She can protect anyone."

"So, is that what you are? Some sniveling pussy hiding behind his sister's skirt in fear? Are you going to be a weakling, or will you be the apex predator you were made to be?"

"But father, I can't just kill people. It's wrong."

"THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M SAYING HERE!!!! You have all this power, power strong enough to make everyone before you kneel in fear, and you won't use it because you're too scared of hurting someone. You know what you are? You're..." The father's following words were so filled with venom they sent chills through the kid's very core, "... so very pathetic. A pathetic little weakling. That's what you are."

Through his tears and the sounds of the water in the pan boiling, the child said nothing. He hoped this would all be over soon, that his sister would come and save him from their father. But that help would never come. By this point, the sound of the water boiling in the pot, almost bursting and exploding all over the kitchen, was overpowering every other sound in the house. Using a ladle, his father scooped up a batch of boiling water in one hand and grabbed his son by the neck with the other. "Let me show you what happens when you don't fight back. When you're too pathetic to do anything." As he said those words, the father began to pour the boiling water onto the face of his son, leaving a trail of burns extending from his chin all the way to the top of his forehead. He could do nothing but scream and cry as he hoped against hope that his nightmare would end. But his nightmare would never end, not even years after he escaped the clutches of his abusive father.

Pov: Michael Exolvun

I still have nightmares, even as an adult. Every night, I wake up screaming, screaming out in fear as I am forced to remember my childhood. I remember it all: every hit from my father, every broken promise from and to my sister, and even the screams of my baby sister that were quickly cut short and left with the most painful of silences. Today was no different, as I woke up in cold sweats after a long nightmare from my past. Looking around me, I could see that various objects had been cut cleanly in half, as expected. For as long as I can remember, I've only been able to sleep on a futon alone, as anything in my vicinity would be cut in half as I twist and turn from my terrors. Getting up from bed, I could already tell this was going to be another miserable fucking day, just like every other day for the past 43 years.

After I took my morning shower, I took a while to stare at the scar on my face. No matter how much time passes, the scar never fades, not even a little bit, just like the mental scars from those days. As I entered my living room, I was met by an unexpected and unwelcome guest. Greeting me this "fine" morning was Tatiana, the bitch of Villa, who was already the bitch of Helena. Needless to say, I was not very happy to be greeted by the bitch of a bitch first thing in the morning. She was dressed in her usual maid outfit, with short purple hair with sharp bangs. I could clearly see she had gained weight on her stomach, no doubt the result of having multiple children. Even a blind idiot could look at this woman and tell that she was middle-aged at best, and yet she still tries to deny her age and say she's still young. "What the fuck do you want," I told her, making my hatred very clear. As she spoke to me, I pulled out a bottle of vodka and began chugging it as fast as possible. If I wanted to get through this day, I needed to be as drunk as possible.

"I have received orders from Master Villa to deliver you to her for a meeting," she told me in the thickest Russian accent imaginable.

"And why wouldn't she meet me face-to-face instead of sending in an old lady like y-" My words were instantly cut off by a sucker punch to the gut, which knocked the wind out of me and broke a few ribs. I crashed into the wall of my living room, leaving cracks all over it. Before I could even think, she grabbed a hold of my neck, looking back at me in rage.

"I am not old; I am only 490 years old. I still have a good 110 years of youth left in me." Hearing herself say her actual age, she paused in shock before quickly correcting herself, "Oops! Did I say 490 years old? I meant to say that I was 270. I'm nowhere near middle-aged. I'm still a blossoming young flower."

"That's cool and all, but are you going to let go of my neck?"

"I'll let go of your neck as soon as you agree to meet with my Master. You see, an artificial Phoenix is running around without a leash. And while the power Miss Villa loaned to him should have worn off by now, he is still a dangerous threat. You will meet up with Miss Villa to offer her assistance." I really didn't want to meet up with that psychotic bitch, so I just punched her in the arm, breaking her bones as if they were made of glass. As soon as she let go of my neck, I teleported to the front door of my shitty apartment and made my way out. But I wasn't just out of the woods yet. 

Looking back behind my shoulder, I could see Tatiana gaining on me. Even though I was teleporting from place to place, she still kept her sights on me and kept on my tail; she truly was deserving of the title of Villa's right-hand woman. It didn't matter how erratically I teleported across the city; she always found where I was and jumped toward my area, looking more like a Terminator than an aging woman facing a mid-life crisis. The craziest thing was that I was significantly reducing how fast she could go, yet she was still hot on my trail despite that. Every time she almost grabbed hold of me, my life flashed before my eyes, and I swear I could see God himself a few times; as for why a man as holy as him would care for a sinner like me is beyond me. Even with how powerful my Phoenix ability was, she still somehow managed to grab hold of me and grip my ankle in a death hold. Taking hold of both my ankles with her hands, she spun me around in the air at three hundred thousand times the speed of sound. Within seconds, I was holding in vomit before she threw me into the air, beyond the clouds.

My view of the dark sky was instantly cut short when she reappeared in front of me and placed me in another chokehold. Kicking the air to give herself momentum, she sent me plummeting toward the ground in the middle of nowhere 50 miles away from the city, ready to slam me into the ground at Mach 100. "This is gonna hurt," I thought to myself, just moments before she slammed me down into the ground, nuking the site and leaving a giant crater that extended almost a mile into the dirt, practically the deepest anyone could go before they were met with indestructible ground. That blast would easily have killed tens of thousands of people had it not been in the middle of absolutely nowhere. My body was in even worse shape as I lay there bleeding profusely, with most of my bones broken. But I wasn't down for the count yet, as my wounds were instantly patched up, and my bones were almost completely repaired, leaving only minor cuts and tiny cracks in my bones.

"Now, you've pissed me off. I'm gonna bitch slap your ass back to the retirement home you escaped from."

"I TOLD YOU, I AM STILL A YOUNG WOMAN!!!!!!" She was now twice as pissed off and pulled out a pair of scissors from her pocket. But before we could settle this score, we were both stopped in our tracks by the appearance of a pale, skinny man in a white suit and an emotionless look on his face. It was unbelievable to me then, but I was suddenly met with Black Viper, one of the King of Humanity's six right-hand men, and for what seemed like hours, time seemed to stand still as all three of us just stood there, motionless, with only the sounds of falling snow and freezing winds accompanying us. Suddenly, the silence was broken by Viper's calm, monotonous voice.

"I do hope you've had your fun, Tatiana, but I must humbly request that you let my good friend here go." She said nothing in response, merely jumping away and leaving a crater in the ground; she made the right choice in getting the fuck away from him. Now alone with him, I brushed the dust off of my coat and made my way out of the crater.

"We're not friends, Viper. Don't even think for a second we are. If it were up to me, you'd be dead where you stand." Speaking to Viper only made him grin as he took joy in my hatred for him.

"Awww, is that how you treat a friend of yours? I hope you remember that you are still in my debt from that favor I did for you all those years ago."

"We're not friends, and you are not in my debt. You gave me your help without permission and arguably made my problems worse."

"You may think that, but I can tell from the air in this city that a storm is coming, and it's not just any storm. This is something that will rock Jupiter to its very core. We've already got a commander from the King and Queen of Humanity in this city, and there will no doubt be more to come. Something big is about to happen, and I'm here to sit and watch."

I didn't respond to him. I just put my hand into my pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. Lighting it in my mouth, I took a hit and blew a few rings of smoke. As soon as I was out of the crater, I looked down at Viper standing in the middle, "That seems like an interesting prediction you have there. But if I were you, I'd be more focused on the meteor making a B-line to your location." Before he could react, a flaming space rock had crashed into him, pushing him into the ground as it formed even more cracks. But it didn't really do anything, as Viper just threw the thing away from him, not even bothering to dodge the attack. He seemed a little betrayed at my trying to kill him.

"Jeez, man, go easy on me. I just woke up, you know." He was completely unphased by the impact of the meteor.

"That was me going easy on you. I only used a rock that was twice your size. I could have easily used a meteor that could hurt you. Now, kindly never speak to me again." Using my opportunity to get the fuck out, I teleported back into the city, right in front of the expensive coffee shop I only occasionally visit. I decided to treat myself to something good to make this shitty morning a little less shitty.

As I approached the cafe entrance, I accidentally bumped into a small woman with curly blonde hair wearing a beige sweater. She fell to the ground and landed in the snow, yelling "Ouch" as she fell on her big fat ass. Getting back up, she looked at me, clearly angry. "That was not kind of you, mister! You better make up for ruining my pair of pants."

"What?! It was an accident. I didn't mean to." I was internally wanting to kill myself. This day just kept getting worse and worse for me.

"Too bad, mister. You're gonna make up for this." And she suddenly dragged me by the hand into the shop and ordered the most expensive motherfucking piece of shit expresso they had available. She, of course, ordered the coffee under my tab and forced me to pay for it. I could only sit there as they took their sweet time cooking up that coffee, getting more annoyed and fed up with the world as I waited for them to bill it on me. Soon, that tiny little cumshot of espresso came out, and they asked me to pay $50 in US cash for it. Who the fuck pays fifty dollars for a coffee? When I ordered my coffee, a white chocolate latte, they billed me $30 for it. Why the fuck are they charging this much for coffee? At least the quality was top-notch.

Looking at that little bitch drinking her espresso (WHICH I WAS FUCKING FORCED TO PAY FOR WITHOUT PERMISSION!!!!), I took my seat at her table. Looking at the name on her cup, I could see her name was Mallory. "So, Miss Mallory, I sure hope that espresso is worth it." I slammed my fist down on the table, "Because I FUCKING PAID FOR IT!!!!!"

"How rude. Is that how you talk to a lady," she said, pouting like she was some anime girl. "This was the least you could do after ruining my expensive jeans."

"I don't give a damn about your jeans; I was just forced to pay for an expensive shot of espresso. A shot which you are already finished drinking."

Putting both hands on her cheeks, she had a face of pure bliss, "And it was soooooooo goooooddd. Thank you for that!" This bitch was really getting on my nerves. I gotta find a way to get payback. 

"I'm not going to let this slide. You will make this up to me. I barely make any money as is, and you just took a sucker punch to my wallet. My wallet is going to need an ambulance after this."

"Well, excuse me for wanting to be paid back for my ruined jeans somehow. You're lucky I didn't take you to get me a new pair."

"It was just some snow. It'll dry out soon."

"Oh yeah?! Well, I'm supposed to look good for a handsome man I like, and now I look like an idiot with a stain on my clothes. It was only natural that you buy me a coffee in exchange for that."

"Well fuck you, and fuck whatever loser you wanna get in the pants of. I bet he doesn't even care about you. He probably just wants to fuck you and be done with you."

This made her even angrier, and she stepped up from her chair and looked at me in rage. We both stared each other down, with what felt like a shot of electricity bursting out of our foreheads and clashing in battle. We agreed to take this dispute outside and started preparing for a street brawl. Before our battle could begin, we were both stopped by the sound of a familiar, ear-bleeding voice.

"IT'S EDDIE!!!! COMING AT YOU IN 4K ULTRA HD!!!!!!" We both turned our heads and were met with the annoying wizard I'd been forced to work with.

"What are you doing here, Eddie? We're kind of in the middle of something."

"Yeah, what he said! We don't want to be interrupted here. Also, you are incredibly ugly, so I'd prefer it if you turned around so I don't have to look at your face."

Eddie ignored both of our warnings and got between the both of us. "No, you guys don't understand. I'm sensing some romantic tension between you two, and I'm here to ensure that that doesn't go anywhere."

We both screamed in unison, "WE ARE NOT IN LOVE!!!!"

Eddie responded as if he knew everything about us, "No, you don't understand!" He then pulled some weird MacGuffin from his coat that looked like something out of a cartoon, "My romantic tension radar is going off the charts. There is a possibility that you two could become a pair, which is absolutely dreadful. It says right here that there is an approximately 0.000000000000000000000000700000000003% chance of you getting together, So to make sure that this leads absolutely nowhere, I will teleport you two to opposite sides of the city."

"WAIT, I'M NOT DONE HERE!!!!!" The two of us were suddenly speaking in unison again before we were each teleported away from the cafe. I was suddenly in the middle of nowhere, most likely the woods bordering the city's mountains. The trees were not very happy with my arrival and came to life in an attempt to grab and eat me. In response to my newest annoyance, I let forth a shower of meteors that turned the forest around me into a barren wasteland. Before the forest could regenerate and instantly grow back all of its trees, I teleported back to the city, hoping that my misfortunes would end there.

Making my way back into the city yet again, I decided to sit down on the edge of a building and enjoy the cold air and night sky that was complimented by the blood moon. I desperately needed a breather from the unending chaos of this "morning," which was really nothing more than an endless night that plunged this time of 9:30 A.M. into darkness. I couldn't believe it was still only 9:30 in the "morning." All this bullshit happened to me within an hour. Finally having a chance to think in peace, I thought back to my beloved sister. I wondered how she was doing. I wondered what would happen if we were to meet again suddenly; she'd no doubt still hate me for what I've become, especially after all the things I have done to this fucked-up family we were born into. I still remember the last time we saw each other, twenty years ago, and the look of pure hatred that I saw in her eyes. That look on her face was more painful than any burn on my face, any hit from my father, and any ground slam at Mach 100 from a middle-aged woman who spends her free time being a sugar mommy for college boys so she can pretend to be young again. As I contemplated the bridges I've burned and the family members I've hurt, I was met with another strange sight.

Looking down at the restaurant before me, I could see a young, skinny man with short hair and a frail body. He seemed happy as he stepped out of the place, which was great for breakfast. Not like I ever have anything for breakfast other than booze and the occasional coffee. As he walked into a nearby alleyway with a dumb smile on his face, he was suddenly grabbed by a feminine figure and pinned against the wall. Before he could scream out for help, the pale woman who had a vice grip on his hands spoke to him, her eyes glowing a bright shade of red. "Calm down, do not resist," she ordered, placing him under hypnosis that calmed him down and made him unable to resist. With her prey incapacitated, she chomped down on his neck and began to drink his blood. He offered up no resistance, allowing her to drain him almost bone dry. Trying to get a closer look, I jumped off the roof I was sitting on and walked toward the alley.

As I got closer, I could get a better look at the woman. She had pale skin, like a corpse, with short, curly, brown hair. Her ears were pointy, like an elf's, and her gorgeous face paired well with her elegant Victorian dress. Noticing me, she stood at attention, threatening me with her fangs. "Can't a lady eat her breakfast in peace?" She asked me.

"I don't mean to interrupt here. I just wanted a better look at this poor fool's death."

Hearing me, she looked at me as if I were some idiot. Giggling softly, she said, "Kill him? Oh, you appear to have the wrong idea here. This cute little thing right here is my favorite blood bag. I've been terrorizing him for months now, and he has no idea that a vampire is draining him. Just one little look at my eyes, and this cutie is putty in my hands. He's so adorable, isn't he?"

I wasn't happy with this demihuman and how she was toying with this poor kid, but I didn't care enough to do anything about it. It wasn't my problem if some idiot ended up a blood bag for a Vampire, but something about this specific woman was familiar to me. Suddenly, it hit me, "Aren't you Elizabeth Batory? Queen of the Vampires?"

"The very same. A pleasure to make your acquaintance."

"What's a woman like you doing in this city?" I asked her. While I do hate Vampires and all other demihumans, having a woman like her on my side will be a great benefit to me.

"You see, there's this other Vampire I want dead. His name is Dracula, and I've been meaning to settle a score with him."

"Well, lucky for you, I specialize in helping people take out targets they want dead. If you join me, I can settle your score."

"Sorry, but I've already made a deal with General Villa." Hearing that name, I rolled my eyes. It seems like I won't be able to escape that psycho. "But I don't mind working with you on the side." Walking up to me, she straightened up my tie and placed a finger on my chin seductively, "And I can also give you some... let's say 'benefits' if you help me out."

"I don't want some pathetic demihuman scum in my bed. Sorry, but that's a no. Come back to me when you're serious about working with me." Brushing that Vampire bitch off of me, I walked into the snow, ready for whatever craziness awaited me next.

Libra Empire, King of Humanity's Castle. Narrator A.

Today was a special day for the King of Humanity: Ignis the Inferno's birthday, a man he saw as a special friend. The King had brought offerings of food and booze to the statue of Ignis he had placed in his castle courtyard as a tribute to a man he respected more than any other. "Here's to the great Ignis," the middle-aged Chinese man said before pouring some of his booze onto the ground as a tribute and then taking a long sip of his drink. However, His ritual was interrupted when one of his secretaries approached him with bad news.

"My King, I must inform you th-"

"HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT ME WHEN I'M VISITING AN OLD FRIEND?!?!?! THIS BETTER BE IMPORTANT! BECAUSE IF IT ISN'T, I'M GONNA SHOVE MY BOOT UP YOUR ASS." The King was furious that his secretary would even dare interrupt his ceremony.

"I know this is important to you, but I must inform you that Black Viper has not been seen in over 24 hours. We must take action immediately before he causes any chaos and destruction."

Hearing the bad news, the King groaned in displeasure in his traditional Changshan. "God damn it, that petulant little child. I want that kid back in line as soon as possible, you hear me? I want three of my commanders on the case. Get Red Cobra, Blue Python, and Green Grasshopper on the line right this minute." Nodding in agreement, the secretary left to call the commanders. After she left, the King returned to paying his respects to the statue of Ignis before him. "I still remember the day you died, old friend. You kicked my ass so hard I was out within seconds. My only regret is I never got to say goodbye to you properly." The King poured another cup of booze and raised it in the air at the statue, "Here's to the undying memory of Ignis the Inferno. May your legacy never be forgotten." Paying his respects, the King took another sip of booze, prayed, and returned to his duties. "If only you could see that glorious son of yours. I've met him, and he's just as ferocious as you were. You'd no doubt be proud of him." He said before closing the door and returning to his throne, where his harem of girlfriends greeted him.

As soon as the King took his seat on the throne, his secretary handed him the phone and dialed the number to Red Cobra.

Meanwhile, on the surface of the sun

While every other person on the great planet of Jupiter would look at the sun and think, "Wow, I'd never want to go there. I'd die." Red Cobra looked at the sun and thought, "Wow, THIS is the perfect spot to sit back and relax." And that's precisely what he would do. On his days off, Red Cobra would fly over to the sun's surface and dip in the star's scorching flames. As he sat back, dipping in the pools of lava and relaxing as he took sips from his margarita glass, he was suddenly interrupted by his cell phone ringing. He answered the phone, "Hello, this is Red Cobra speaking. How may I be of service?" The answer he received shook him out of his relaxation, "What's that?! Black Viper is missing again? I'll be there immediately." Hanging up the phone, Red Cobra got out of his lava pool and flew back to his home planet, reaching it in mere seconds and landing at the court of the King of Humanity.

"Black Viper got out again?! I swear to you, my King, that I will do everything possible to get him back on his leash." The King, meanwhile, was staring down at Cobra's waist as he had forgotten to put any clothes on and was standing before his King completely naked. Noticing his state of undress, Red Cobra rushed forward to his quarters, dressed in his usual white tuxedo, and returned to the court where Blue Python greeted him.

Blue Python was a peculiar-looking man, even amongst other Pheonixes. Contrasting with the well-dressed, bearded Korean man that Red Cobra was, Blue Python was instead a white man with dreadlocks and a pair of sunglasses he always wore. Blue Python also, for some reason, refused to wear a shirt and spent all his days shirtless. "Looks like we've got a bad doggy that needs to be put back on his leash. Don't worry, I'll get him back on an even shorter leash than before." As Python spoke, he occasionally took puffs from his cigarette, blowing smoke in the court that made the King's girlfriends cough.

The King spoke to his two commanders again, "Now, while we don't have an exact idea of where Viper is, our best guess is that he is somewhere in Ulyshia. We can infer this based on his recent interest in the 'No-Face' person that has been spotted throughout the country. Your mission is to comb the lands of Ulyshia and find Viper. Teach that unruly brat some manners and bring him back. Do you understand?" 

The two commanders nodded in agreement, "YES, MY KING!!!!" Before leaving for Ulyshia. Before they left, though, Red Cobra asked, "I was told that Green Grasshopper would be with us. Where is he?"

The King took another sip from his cup and answered, "Green Grasshopper took a flight to Ulyshia the second he heard the news. He should be arriving soon."

Ulyshia City

In the cold, dark skies of Ulyshia, a private jet was soaring through the skies as fast as possible. In the jet, in front of the emergency exit, was Green Grasshopper, the third right-hand of the King of Humanity. Green Grasshopper always wore a superhero mask and suit, which gave him an air of mystery. The suit he wore was, of course, green and grasshopper-themed, giving him the nickname. "We will be arriving at Ulyshia in t-minus thirty seconds." Came the voice of the pilot.

"Roger that!" Said Grasshopper before he opened the emergency exit to the jet. As soon as Ulyshia city came into view, he jumped out into the night sky and started to do backflips as he fell. He was without a care in the world as he soared through the skies, reaching the ground of Ulyshia. When his feet met with the ground, he tanked the hit and was unphased by the impact. Grasshopper wasted no time and proceeded to immediately get into the action of searching the cities of Ulyshia for Black Viper. Ulyshia's capital alone was three times the size of New York City, so he had his work cut out for him. But he was determined to get his work done. "I swear on my honor as a hero that I shall bring this evildoer to justice!!!!" He screamed out before summoning his motorcycle to his side and riding it through the snowy wastelands of Ulyshia.

Pov: Yuzan Hellfire

I've always dreaded going to sleep for as long as I can remember because I always have the same dreams. In one of these dreams, I'm greeted by my beloved sister's beautiful face and sweet voice as she sings for me. She's surrounded by beautiful flowers complimenting her long, purple hair and gentle demeanor. It's a memory from my past I can never forget, just like every other memory involving her. "You've grown into such a handsome young man, my dear brother! It almost feels like yesterday that I adopted you and took you into the family. Gosh, you're almost graduating High School now," she says to me in her gentle, beautiful voice.

"Stop treating me like I'm some child. I'm almost a grown man now."

"Oh, don't be so stubborn, kid. No matter how old you get, you'll still be my beloved little brother. And besides, is that how you treat the woman who saved your life?"

I begin speaking to her frustratedly, "Don't bring that up. You know how much I hate being reminded of that."

"I'm sorry, little Yuzan. It's just that I can't stand the thought of you growing up to be some soldier or violent man. You're better than that. I saved you from that war zone because I hated that war. It was an unjust invasion of your country that shouldn't have happened, and now you're trying to become a soldier for Helena? Have you forgotten what that woman did to you?"

"It's not that. I need to join her because it's my purpose. Like you said, I was made to do good things for this world. And I can only make a difference by fighting for it." Hearing my words, all of the light and joy in my sister's face drained out of her, and she looked at me with a stone-cold expression. Even in the most dire of times, she would always have a cheery smile, and this look was entirely unlike her. But her actions would be even more shocking and uncharacteristic than her face. She raised her hand and slapped me in the face as hard as she could, leaving me in complete shock.

"Don't you dare say something like that! Fighting is the only way to make a difference? No, nothing good ever comes from violence. The only way to make a difference is through kindness, not hatred."

I could barely hear her words; I was still in complete shock that someone as kind and gentle as her would even think of hitting me. "Why did you do that?" I asked her.

"I'm sorry, baby brother, but you must understand this. You are not a violent person. You are not a bad person. You're just a scared little child traumatized by war and trying to make a difference. But you need to know that you can't change anything by killing people. It's just not right."

"And what do you know about change? How can you make any difference if one side is unarmed and the other side is carrying a gun."

"Even so, violence is only necessary when you're defending yourself. If you meet hatred with hatred, everyone else will be caught in the crossfire, and there will be death and destruction spread to everyone, no matter how innocent or guilty." Trying to comfort me, she began to gently rub the spot where she slapped me, apologizing for using force. "I'm sorry I had to hit you, but I just needed to smack the hatred and violence out of you. Soon, you'll be back to the kind and loving kid I know you are." She then smiled back at me again. Even after all these years, I still remember her smile and voice as if I saw and heard them yesterday.

"I'm sorry, but Helena promised me that I'll be making a change in this world. Even if I have to work for the woman who killed so many of my people, I'll bring peace to this world by any means necessary."

Her smile dropped again, and she looked at me again in anger, "You just don't get it, do you? Peace through violence is no peace; it's just the aftermath of war. You're a good man. I know it. You just can't see it because you're too focused on doing what you think is right." My sister's face changed once more, and she looked at me with the most serious face I'd ever seen, "Kid. I will always love you, even if you turn into a monster, even if you become a killer. But just know that you won't be worthy of my love if you ever become that monster. Even if I still love you, you won't deserve it. So if you ever stop being that good man I know you are, I hope you realize that you'll become unworthy of my love at that moment. You're a good man; I know you are. I'm certain of it."

"You're a good man."

"You're a good man."

"You're a good man."

"You're not a monster."

"I'll always love you, no matter what."

Those are the words that echoed in my mind before I woke up in cold sweats. My sister was the kindest person I had ever known, but she was far too kind, and this world swallowed her up and spit her out like she was nothing. For years, I've wondered what a monster like me was doing with a woman as kind as her. But regardless, whenever I was with her, they were among the only times I ever felt any genuine emotion. We indeed were complete opposites: she was a cheery woman who always had a smile on her face, and I was always a problem child who never smiled; she always saw the good in even the most evil of killers, while I always saw everyone else as nothing more than things that got in my way; she always enjoyed the sunlight and the bright flowers of the land, while I was always annoyed by the blinding light of the sun and saw no point in admiring the flowers which did nothing but sit there and look pretty. But despite all of our differences, she loved me unconditionally. Even when I was suspected of killing my classmate, she never doubted me for a second because she could see the good in me. But despite all of the good she did for this world, she was wrong about one thing: meeting violence with kindness doesn't stop violence; it only gets a bullet shot in your head.

As I woke from my bed and left my apartment, I called for Commander Dracula to meet me in the town square. I had just received intel on two of my targets in the same place and would need his assistance. As I made my way out of my apartment, I checked the time: 10:30 A.M. It appears I had slept in a bit. But regardless, I had my work cut out for me, as I still had another day off of work.

Leaving my apartment bloc, I made my way through one of the many stone bridges scattered across Ulyshia. As I made my way through, I accidentally bumped into an older-looking woman with blue hair wearing a maid's dress. As she fell down on the snow, she let out an "Ouch" before getting back up.

"Watch where you're going," she told me in the thickest Russian accent I had ever heard. "I'm on very important business. I'm looking for somebody, and you've interrupted me."

"Funny, I also happen to be on very important business, and you also interrupted me." I was starting to get very annoyed at this woman, but she suddenly looked at me with a peculiar look on her face. She stood there, looking at me like I was the most unusual thing she had ever seen. I was starting to get on edge and was ready to attack when she broke the silence.

"You seem like a very respectable young man. I like that. Perhaps I could take you out on a date. Does that sound like a plan?"

Her words caught me completely off guard, and I stared at her dumbfounded. "What?! What was that?"

"I said we are going out on a date. I am not asking."

"Why would I want to go out with an old hag like y-" My words were suddenly cut off by a sucker punch to the gut, which knocked the wind out of me and probably broke a few ribs.

"I am not old. I still have a good hundred years of youth left in me." She said to me as I was sent flying in the air. After I faceplanted on the snow, she grabbed me by the arm and started to drag me away. "Now, I know of just the perfect cafe for us to chat over a cup of coffee. However, it is admittedly very expensive. I heard they sell espresso for fifty dollars a cup. But fear not, I shall pay for all the expenses using my Master's bank account, which I have complete unsupervised access to."

This was entirely beyond my wildest imagination! How could I have ever expected that some crazy older woman, most likely suffering from some midlife crisis, would just drag me away to some cafe for a date over overpriced coffee? So, naturally, I tried to get away from this psycho, and I used my ability to shrink my hand down and get away from her grip. As soon as her back was turned, I bolted in the opposite direction from her, changing my legs to that of a deer's so I could run and jump more efficiently. "STOP RIGHT THERE!!!! YOU WILL GO ON A DATE WITH ME!!!!!" I heard her screaming as she ran toward me.

Her speed was unlike anything I had ever seen; she was on me within seconds and tackled me to the ground before I even knew what was happening. Not wanting to kill this random psycho woman, I instead decided to turn my arm into a hammer and knock the wind out of her with a smash to the face. As soon as she fell to the ground, I ran away from her once more. But suddenly, I crashed straight into Mallory, who looked at me in shock.

"Oh my! Lord Yu- I mean, Sir Rieper! How convenient it was for me to run into you just as I was going to visit you in your apartment. Well, anyway, let me cut to the chase. Will you please go on a d-"

"I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!! SOME PSYCHO WOMAN IS TRYING TO FORCE ME INTO GOING ON A DATE WITH HER!!!!" Looking behind me, I could see the maid running toward me again; she ignored the blow to the head I had given her and was back on her feet within seconds. For the first time in quite a while, I felt genuine fear. Fear of having to waste my time with this crazy woman. But Mallory was having none of it and stepped in front of me to protect me.

"I'll have you know, this man is taken. We are happily in love and planning to get marr-" Her words were cut short by a sucker punch to the gut, which knocked the wind out of her, probably broke a few ribs, and sent her flying in the air.

"Cancel your marriage. Your man is now mine." She told Mallory, who couldn't hear her over the sounds of herself eating pavement. "Now, Mister Rieper, I believe we have a date to attend to." This had to be the worst-case scenario, and I was prepared to fight off this crazy woman by any means necessary. But suddenly, we were both stopped by a strange voice that made both of us stop in our tracks.

"IT'S EDDIE!!!!! COMING AT YOU IN 4K ULTRA HD!!!!!" Looking over my shoulder, I could see a strange-looking man in some sort of wizard robe. Speaking again, he said, "My radar is telling me that Tatiana here is trying to drag some poor young man into going on a date with her, and I'm here to stop that. I'm here to stop this old lady from kidnapping another m-" His words were suddenly cut short by a sucker punch to the gut, and I'm pretty sure you understand at this point how strong it was.

"I am not old. I am still young." She said but was soon interrupted by a clone of the man she punched. Another clone of the same guy approached me, too.

"Sorry about that, buddy. But Tatiana is just having a midlife crisis and trying to court whatever young man she can. So I'll deal with her for you while you go on your day. Well, see ya." Looking over his shoulder, I could see the man and older woman brawling with each other. "By the power of Black Magic, I declare that you are now on the other side of the globe." As soon as he said it, the woman just disappeared, likely taken to where he said she would go. I decided I was done here and went back to my business.

Finally, I managed to make my way to where I was supposed to meet Dracula, who was wearing his usual expensive tuxedo, which he always made abundantly clear was from Italy. "Hello there, friend. You look like you've had a rough morning."

"Oh, you have no idea. I don't usually get angry, but I was just about to burst a vessel going through it."

"Well, regardless, I believe we have business to attend to." And right he was as we began to make our way to where our next targets were supposed to be. "While we walk, do you mind telling me about our targets?" He asked.

"Not at all. So, our targets are a man by the name of Uberdeth and some mystery target who was, for some reason, left blank on the report. I don't know anything about the mystery target, but the main target is not a person to be trifled with. During the Arman-Redmoan war, he was on the front lines. He saw through the bombings of multiple civilian centers, which killed countless innocents. Needless to say, we are dealing with quite the bastard here." 

"Yes, I remember that war, as I do every other war in this continent for the past century. It was quite a brutal one; I saw countless civilians gunned down, as I was helpless to do anything about it. Truly a painful reminder of the cruelty of man. But regardless, you seem rather beat up. Mind telling me what happened?"

"This psycho woman in a maid's dress just grabbed me and tried to drag me out on a date with her. She sucker-punched me right into the air." Hearing my explanation, Dracula burst out into laughter.

"Really?! You got beat up by a maid. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. WOW. I would have killed to see that. Did anyone else see?"

"Yes, Mallory was there too. But she also got sucker-punched." This only made him burst out into more laughter.

"OH GOD!!! AHAHAHA!! The same woman beat down two commanders?! What a treat! God, I should have been there to see it." Suddenly, his face took on a more serious tone. "But this is a pretty big deal, you know? That woman is dangerous and could no doubt hinder our plans."

"I know, but we must stick to our plan, regardless. I'm only working on a fraction of the power I used to have, so I need to do everything possible to regain it. If I can't recapture my old glory, I won't have a shot at winning."

"Right you are, my Lord. I will do everything I can to ensure you stay alive to regain your power. But enough talk, we are approaching our targets." Just as he said, we were suddenly greeted by a dark, snow-covered castle. Transforming back into the face of Yuzan and putting on my layers of armor, we made our way in through the back door.

Inside, we could see that the castle had been left in disarray, probably because it was only recently purchased as a hideout. In the living room, we could see a light coming out of a door and into the garage. From the door, we could hear screams of pain and torment; they were likely torturing somebody in there. Slowly, we crept toward the door, where the horrible cries only got louder and more labored. Whatever was going on in that door could not have been pretty, especially since this was the hideout of a known war criminal. Peering through the door, we were met with an unexpected and unbelievable sight.

Instead of seeing a scene of torture and brutality, we were greeted by some little girl in a schoolgirl outfit playing tag with an older man. She was screaming in joy as she played with him. Noticing us, the girl began to cry again, this time in actual fear. "ONII-CHAN!!!! GET THESE BAD MEN AWAY FROM ME!!!!!" We both looked at them in confusion.

"Hold up, I believe we have the wrong people. We're looking for a war criminal by the name of Ololi and her brother. You don't really fit the bill here."

"Huh?! What do you mean?" She said, "I AM Ololi, and this is my brother, Onii-chan." This only confused me more. How the hell was this small child supposed to be a war criminal? And she looked ten times younger than the woman on the list. "It appears you were given an outdated photo. I've been a dashing young girl for years now."

"So, you mean to tell me that you are the very same Ololi that ordered for a church filled to the brim with innocent children to be burned down?"

"Right you are!"

"And you are also the same Ololi that ordered for multiple hospitals carrying children dying of cancer to be bombed?"

"The very same!"

Dracula then butted in with his own question, "And you are also the very same Ololi that has been linked to multiple Neo-Nazi groups and has carried out public lynching of various minority groups? The same Ololi that was dishonorably discharged from the Arman military for possessing CSEM? Which is quite the feat, given that the Arman military is known for housing and protecting known pedophiles?"

"Yes, and yes, that was me!"

Hearing this, me and Dracula just looked at each other in confusion before looking back at the two. We said, in unison, "Well, I guess that makes our jobs way simpler," before we grabbed both the little girl and her brother by the neck and threw them outside. "You probably don't remember this, but you were also responsible for targeted racial attacks on Vampire communities. I remember it." Said Dracula as he sucker-punched the child in the gut. 

"Oh, I do remember that. It was really fun seeing you goddamn Bleh Bleh Blehs burn to the ground." Hearing her say this, Dracula's eyes lit up in rage.

"I'll show you to call a proud Vampire of the night a 'Bleh Bleh Bleh.' Nobody calls me that and gets away with it." He then shot out a burst of fire from his hand, but she blocked it with her own attack.

"LOLI BEAAAAMMMUUUUU!!!!" Is what she said before a beam shot out of her eyes, knocking us back. Landing on the cold snow, we could see both Ololi and her brother standing side-by-side. I don't know how this day could have gotten any worse, but I was now suddenly having to fend off a crazy little girl and her brother.

"Let's get this over with, Commander Dracula."

"Oh, I'm going to enjoy putting their heads on spikes." Making our declarations, we marched forward toward our targets.

Three Hours Ago. Narrator A.

Eddie always dreaded going to sleep because he always had the same dreadful nightmare. As he slept, he was helpless, forced to watch the landscape covered in flowers. He was forced to watch children having fun on the playground, forced to watch families enjoy their picnics, and forced to watch the sun rise and cover the world in happiness and light. Soon, Eddie woke up screaming in cold sweats from his race car bed. "Thank God it was only a nightmare," he said before making his way to the bathroom. But greeting him in the bathroom was a peculiar sight, as he could see that his toilet had, for some reason, grown eyes and a face and was groaning in pain.

"Kill me. Please, kill me," said the toilet, to the confusion of Eddie, who was wondering why his toilet was now alive.

"Why are you alive? Why is my toilet asking me to kill it?"

"I don't know why, just kill me, please. I can't do this anymore." Looking around him, Eddie could see that everything in the bathroom had become sentient: the sink was screaming in pain, the shower was crying for Eddie to use it for once in his life, the floors were groaning in despair as Eddie stepped on them, and the ceiling was staring down at him.

"Oh God, did I accidentally use the spell that turns everything in my house into a living thing?" Said Eddie, who rushed into his living room to test his theory, and sure enough, he was greeted by the sight of everything in his living room walking and talking. The floors were speaking to him, the ceiling fan was shouting, the couches and chairs were cussing out the windows, the fridge was calling the oven homophobic slurs, and two fairies were floating around in his living room. "What the fuck?" He said before the fairies approached him.

"Hello there, Eddie, we have come in response to your summons."

"I didn't summon you."

"But you did, Eddie. You performed the ritual to summon us last night."

"Wait, no, I didn't. I was trying to summon a demon." Panicking, Eddie checked back on his Black Magic book and realized he had made an error in last night's demon summoning. Instead of using the souls of thirty-two puppies like the book said, he had accidentally used a signed DVD copy of The Matrix.

"Hang on, there must be some mistake. I didn't mean to summon a fairy to my home."

"But you did, Eddie. And we're so happy you did. We're going to spread mysticism and joy throughout the world." Hearing these words made Eddie fall down to his knees in pain. He started weeping loudly as he listened to what they had said. In his sadness, Eddie blurted out his response to the fairies.

"NO, I don't want that! Happiness and joy across the land...? I want there to be death and destruction and nothing else for the rest of my life! Even after I die... I want there to be demons and darkness in this world for a while! Ten years, at least!!"

Hearing the words of Eddie, the robot that had unexplainably appeared in his living room tried to comfort him. "Stop crying, Eddie. Don't be a b-b-BITCH!!!"

"Yeah, don't worry about it, my man Eddie." Came the voice of the green pterodactyl that had appeared before him.

"It's okay, Eddie. There's fun to be found in mysticism and joy." Said the talking kite that had also shown up before Eddie, who responded in rage. 

"NO, NO, NO, I DON'T WANT MYSTICISM AND JOY!!!! I WANT DEMONS AND SUFFERING AND DEATH AND DESTRUCTION AND TAXES AND UNHAPPINESS AND MEANNESS AND UNFAIRNESS AND HATRED AND ANGER!!!!!"

The fairies responded to him, "But Eddie, if you hate mysticism so much, why are you living in a wizard's shack?"

"THIS IS NOT A WIZARD'S SHACK!!!!! IT IS A PLACE FOR BLACK MAGIC!!!! I ONLY PURCHASED THIS PLACE BECAUSE IT WAS THE ONLY THING I COULD AFFORD IN THIS HOUSING MARKET!!!!" Suddenly, Eddie noticed a genie lamp at his feet, and he furiously rubbed at it to awaken the genie inside.

"GOOD MORNING EDDIE!!!!" Said the genie as it awoke, "I sure do hope you've got your wishes ready because I sure am ready to grant them for you." Eddie heard these words and started grinning like a child at a candy store. 

"YES, I AM!!! I'm ready for my wishes!!!"

"FANTASTIC!!! Now just tell me what you want, and I'll grant them for you."

"I want you to give all the single mothers in the world ten more children to care for." Hearing this, the genie was left completely off guard.

"What the fuck, bro? I'm not granting that." The genie said before immediately returning to his lamp, "Get somebody else to grant you your wishes. I'm done."

"NO, NO, NO!!!!! I still have more wishes that need to be granted! Like giving every child dying from cancer aids as well, and making 9/11 a weekly occurrence."

The fairies butted back in, "I can grant you some wishes," they said.

"OOOOHHHHH, I want a monster truck. Can you give me that?" Said Eddie, whose wish was immediately granted when he heard a large "THUD" outside his window. Stepping out to see his new monster truck, he gasped out in horror.

Instead of being met with an awesome monster truck, Eddie was met by a monster truck with the Dumbfederate flag stickered all over it. All sorts of racist flags and phrases were plastered over the truck. "What the fuck is this?" Said Eddie to the fairies.

"Why, this is the monster truck you asked for."

"Why is it racist, though?"

"Well, you asked for a monster truck, and we decided you'd be most happy with a random design. This was the design picked at random."

"WHY DID YOU HAVE A RACIST MONSTER TRUCK DESIGN TO BEGIN WITH???!!!! WHY WAS THIS EVEN CONSIDERED AS A DESIGN?!?! I can't run around in this thing. I'd get beaten up. And why does a fairy even have a racist monster truck to begin with?"

"This isn't a 'racist' design, I'll have you know. The Dumbfederacy was not a racist movement by any stretch of the imagination." Said the racist fairies.

"What do you mean it wasn't racist? They literally fought for slavery."

"Slavery was not a racist institution, I'll have you know. There were plenty of non-racist racists in the south." By this point, Eddie had had enough of these racist fairies' bullshit. And so he pulled out his Black Magic book and started chanting his spells. "Wait, wait, let's not do anything rash," the fairies told Eddie, who was now ignoring them.

"I'll show you to fuck with the great American North. If you love the Dumbfederacy so much, why don't you go and meet their soldiers?" As he was talking, a portal to hell was suddenly opening before the fairies, who were scared shitless now. "This one's for you, General Sherman," said Eddie before he pushed the racist fairies into hell where they belonged. Eddie then used his magic to blow up the racist monster truck, "And I was really looking forward to that monster truck," he said before returning home.

Inside, he was greeted by his sentient home welcoming him back. "This has been the worst morning ever," said Eddie as he sat on his talking recliner chair, which let out a scream of pain as he did.

"Awww, don't be like that, Eddie," said the entire house in unison, "I know what will cheer you up: A SONG!!!!"

"WAIT, WAIT, DON'T START SINGI-"

"A IS FOR APPLE

B IS FOR BASEBALL

C IS FOR APPLE

D IS FOR BASEBALL

E IS FOR DINOSAUR

F IS FOR ASSHOLE

Z IS FOR ZEBRA!!!!"

"NO, NO, STOP YOUR SINGING." To avoid their incessant singing, Eddie flew out of his house toward the preferable snowy wastelands of Ulyshia. "Ahhh, this is more like it. A barren wasteland with no hope, light, or joy in it. Just like God intended." As he landed in Ulyshia City, he checked the time and saw that it was now 9:29 A.M. Suddenly, his lovers radar went off, and Eddie was alerted to his friend Michael possibly falling in love with another woman. "This just won't do," he said, "I can't have my best friend falling in love." And so, Eddie interrupted the duel between Mallory and Michael Exolvun.

"Another job well done." Said Eddie, who proceeded to go on his merry way, sure to cause more death and destruction throughout the day.