Chapter 4 - Hallway

Zack smiles and nods at the distant conversation, while Amelia tries to control her face. She can't believe Zack would really make her sit on his lap infront of all of her family. Becca grins at Amelia from across the table, she does a little dance with her hands in the air. They both laugh and everyone looks at them, not getting the inside joke. Amelia blushes, Becca giggles harder, sipping her champagne.

"Having fun, darling?" Zack whispers into her ear, tucking her curls behind her ear. He scatters small kisses around her neck and jawline, so soft they make Amelia want to laugh and run away at the same time. Normally when there's a man kissing her, she runs. But this time feels different, Zack feels like someone who won't pressure her into anything. He's a gentleman, and knows how to behave like one. 

Amelia feels her face fall again, a wave of depression washing over her. She tries hard to shake it off, to pretend she's okay. She smiles, nods to her mother who's telling a story very loudly. Amelia can feel her heart beat increase, her mouth is dry again, she wrings her hands and spins her rings. It feels sudden when she can't breathe, but in reality, she doesn't speak for about half an hour. She stares at the floor. In for four, out for six. In for four, out for eight. In for four, out for ten. Amelia pants, trying to not make it obvious that she really doesn't want to be here anymore. Her eyes prick, tears welling. Her panic sets in, she can't have a panic attack here. Not here, not today, not infront of her sister.

Zack pulls her closer to his chest, her leg begins to bounce up and down. Amelia hyperventilates, trying to keep her breathing quiet. Zack shuffles, looking down at her.

"Amelia, honey? Can you breathe for me?" He says gently, leaning down to her face. 

She shakes her head, tears dropping now. 

Zack scoops her up in his arms, Amelia puts her arms around his neck, burying her face in his shoulder. His arms feel reassuring and solid against her. Amelia sobs against his black shirt, crying loudly but going undetected against the loud music. 

"Hey, Amelia has had a bit too much to drink and she's fallen asleep. My room's next to hers so i'll drop her off there and call it an early night. I had a lovely time, thank you for inviting me, Becca. Congrats!" Zack says, already walking off before her family has a chance to interject. 

Zack hurries out of the reception hall and into her corridor, closing the door behind him. He takes Amelia to the corner of the hall, placing her onto the floor gently and then sitting down infront of her. Amelia pulls her legs up the her chest, hugging her knees. She feels her face is wet still, but can't feel herself crying anymore, maybe she's just used to it at this point.

The hallway is quiet, the music thumping in the distance. Amelia tries to catch her breath but her panting only gets worse. Her heart feels like it's about to explode, and she'll throw up everywhere.

"Amelia, can you open your eyes for me?" Zack asks her softly, placing his hands on her arms. 

She blinks her eyes open, Zack's moved closer to her now. He smiles at her reassuringly. 

"There you are. Can you give me your hands, please?" Zack holds his hands out in between them, he waits for her to put hers out. Amelia unfolds her arms, placing her hands onto Zacks. He threads their fingers, bringing their hands to his chest. Her hands lay flat against his chest, she can feel his heartbeat. Zack puts his hands in between them again, Amelia looks down at them. Zack begins to count on his fingers, one, two, three, four, breathing with them. 

She feels his heartbeat slow with every count. Amelia realises with every inhale that she is also breathing. She exhales, feeling her thoughts settle. Her breathing resumes normally, but she continues with Zack's breathing. His chest feels muscular, toned. 

Zack opens his eyes, taking her hands in his again. "Tell me how you feel."

"Better," Amelia says, meaning it for the first time in a long time. 

Zack nods, smiling. His smile fades, he looks her deep in the eye. "What happened back there?"

Amelia shifts uncomfortably. She doesn't like talking about her mental health, not to beautiful men anyway, they tend not to understand. 

"Amelia, i will not judge you, ever. Would it help if i told you something personal about me?" 

She nods, leaning against the wall. Zacks thumb strokes the side of her hand comfortingly, but she can't tell if he's comforting her or the other way around.

Zack takes a breath. "On my sixteenth birthday i tried to kill myself. Obviously it didn't work, because i'm here now. But it really affected me for a long time. I was in the hospital for about a year, that's why i had to stay in sixth form until i was nineteen, i had to retake the first year because i wasn't there. Nobody knew where i was. My parents told everyone i was visiting my aunt who was dying. Until now, you and Becca are the only people i've told," Zack pauses, taking another breathe as if it pains him to talk about this.

"I've struggled with my mental health for as long as i can remember, and i know i'm alot better than i was then, but i also know i'll never be the same as i was before. Something like that doesn't really ever leave you, you know? I know i had no choice in it because i wasn't really there at the time, but i miss who i used to be."

We sit in silence for a moment. We let the words weigh us down, they settle unpleasantly around Amelia's heart. 

"I have no words. Thank you for trusting me enough to share that with me."

Zack nods, sniffing slightly. "Do you feel comfortable enough to tell me your truth?"

Amelia smiles at that, because he didn't say illness or disease like other people say when they talk about mental health. "Well, mine's not nearly as impressive as yours."

Zack laughs deeply. "We can't all be as troubled as me, i'm afraid."

They smile together. Amelia clears her throat, she's going to tell him the whole story, because she knows she can trust him. 

"I was raped when i was fifteen. It was continuous, for years. Stopped when i was about eighteen. It was my boyfriend at the time. He raped me for years, but i couldn't leave because i wanted to be loved so badly that i would have done anything for him to stay with me. I used to blame myself for years after, thinking it was my fault. I could have left. Until one day i couldn't leave, he had taken away my choice," Amelia begins to cry, her voice thick with emotion. 

"He beat me so badly that he drove me to the hospital and left me there. I couldn't tell anyone, because we lived together and he said we had a future together, i was going to ruin it. He kept me in our house until he didn't want me. He had used me and gotten bored. When i went to university i had to drop out because of my dissociation and flashbacks. My ptsd made me physically ill for a really long time. Everywhere i looked i could see him, so i just stopped leaving the house. I was depressed, i didn't have any friends because i had pushed them all way. One day Becca came by my flat and saw that i hadn't moved since the last time she was there. She got worried and made me go to the doctors. They pumped me full of antidepressants and all types of other pills that made me feel worse. I struggled until one day i just decided to get a job. I had no skills, but i've always loved writing. So i wrote a book. A fiction book about romance, because what can a broken women do best? Write a book about how happy two people are together. And it sold, plus i didn't have to go outside. For years i've been inside hoping that the world will be less scary when i finally come out again, but let me tell you it isn't. Not for a women. Becca begged me to come to this wedding because i haven't seen my whole family since i was fifteen. And look how that turned out."

Zack sits for a moment. His eyes do not meet mine. His face is sad, full of tears. Amelia leans forward can hugs him. Zack wraps his arms around Amelia tight, "You're okay, you're okay, you're safe with me," He says to her, and in that moment that's the only thing anyone has ever said to her to make her feel okay.