Chapter 9 - park

I come out of my front door, and there he is. Leaning against the wall beside the doorframe, looking causal but wearing a blue suit that i can tell costs more than what i've made in the last two or three months from writing.

And i'm standing infront of him, in my sweats, with unwashed hair. Fuck, how is it always like this with him? Me looking nasty while he looks classy and elegant.

"Hey," i say, breaking our staring contest by looking around the street. I haven't been outside in a couple of days, it all felt too real too fast. The winter's air is crisp as it fills my lungs, making them burn slightly. Burnt orange leaves shake in the wind, swirling off branches into the air in flurries. 

"It's good to see you," Zack says, i can hear the smile in his voice. He means it, which is what gets me. I blink a couple of times, almost tearing up. I haven't had a man talk to me who genuinely wants to spend time with me without trying to manipulate me in a long time.

We look at each other for a moment. His eyes catch on mine, before exploring the rest of my face, taking my time when he gets to my lips. I smile at this, forcing myself not to look away. 

I ask what how the trial at work's going, just because i need him to stop looking at me. Zack looks at me, and i can see things that i missed before as we walk down the street. The sun shines onto his face, illuminating his slightly puffy eyes, the cracks on the bottom of his lips from teeth marks, even his expression is dulled. 

"It's been a long week, it really has. Mack and I, that's who my boss Lucy assigned to work with me on this case because its so big, we've been working all day, 7am to 9pm. Yesterday we didn't even have a god damn lunch break. It's ridiculous, and i hate it. I haven't seen people who aren't lawyers in over a week!" Zack throws his arms out wide and spins around a couple of times. "It feels good just to be somewhere besides the conference room where we're hauled up in."

I smile at him, although my worry about his depression is slowly creeping in. "That sounds rough, i'm sorry." I don't really know what to say without giving him my anxious comments, which i don't think he will appreciate right now. "But you're human and you deserve a proper lunch break. You deserve to be able to go out and have boundaries about when you can leave to go to sleep. You're no use to your client if you're burnt out and unwell."

Zack rolls his eyes. "You sound like Becca," he says with distaste.

I put a hand on his shoulder to stop him from walking. "Traiter!" I shout.

"What?" He responds, his brows furrowing. 

"You talked to Becca when she's on her damn honeymoon! You were under strict instructions from me to not contact her while she's away!" I hit him gently in the shoulder with gloves i found in my coat pocket.

Zack smiles sheepishly. "Sorry, i really couldn't help it though. I went four days without communicating, but after then the wellness check messages were piling up and she kept sending me messages like "are u dead" with about eight million question marks at the end. And there's only so many times you can put your phone into the fridge."

I'm too busy nodding to realise what he's added at the end of that. When it clocks, i look up, incredulous. "What do you mean, put your phone in the fridge?"

Zack smiles but looks confused. He shrugs, "you know when you don't want to look at something you put it in the fridge. I thought this was common knowledge?"

I start laughing, but then i realise what he's trying to say. "Like when a book's scary so you put it into the freezer?" 

His eyes get wide, "why would you put a book into the freezer?"

"Why would you put a phone in the fridge?"

We both burst out laughing at eachother. 

"You're such an idiot," i say, wiping my eyes. 

We walk a little bit further down the street and turn into the park, taking the first bench we can find. Zack has a black tote bag on his shoulder which i didn't notice before as it blends in with his coat. He swings it in between us, resting it on the bench. Without speaking, he opens it and moves to face me along the bench so he's sideways. He crosses his legs and takes out a green bento box with little chopsticks and forks. 

Opening the box, he reveals a sandwich made with what looks like sourdough bread. Another layer has little gyozas with a tub of soy sauce i think, and the third layer contains colourful macarons with raspberries to fill up the spaces. It all looks wonderful and sweet. 

"Did you make this?" i ask, already excited to take a macaron. 

Zack nods, "i packed way more than i usually do because i knew you'd be eating it with me. I made the macarons a couple of days ago but they've been stored right so they should be okay. Sandwich was made at 5am this morning by me, it's brie and cranberry, and these are my mum's pork gyozas with plum and hoisin sauce."

He looks at me, smiling hesitantly, as though he's waiting for me to either slap him or hug him. 

"Zack you are incredible!" i squeal, having not eaten a proper meal in about three days.

Zack breathes out, his smile growing confident and full. "Thank god you said that, i was worried you were a vegan or something," he says, wiping fake sweat off his forehead. 

"Oh i am," i say with sincerity.

Rolling his eyes at me, he holds up the forks in one hand and the chopsticks in the other. "Are you proficient in chopsticks or do you want a fork, your majesty?"

"Well, i'm not exactly proficient in either, but i'll take chopsticks, please and thank you," he hands me them and i excitedly pick up a gyoza. 

Popping it into our mouths at the same time, Zack and i let out a simultaneous groan of affection for these gyozas. 

"Your mum is like a goddess, these are divine," i say, already reaching for another. 

Zack smiles, although i can see a hint of sadness behind it. "You know, when i was in school, these stupid boys would sit next to me at lunch and make fun of the way my food smelt. Say it was disgusting, that i must be eating cut up dogs in it, racist stuff. It continued every single day until i started sitting behind a massive oak tree in the corner of the field, and that's where i met Becca. She was the only one that used to ask me questions about the food my mum prepared every day for me. Eventually, we grew so close that we used to swap lunches. She loved my mums plain sticky rice balls and i loved your mums ham and cheese sandwiches."

I nod, "yeah, that sounds like Becca. I'm so glad she was there for you during that time. We all need someone who break our transe when we think the world's going to end."

Zack nods in agreement. "Totally agree. Honestly, Becca has always been that person for me. She's been there for me through every single bad thought and got me out the other side."

"Me too. Even when i hadn't talked to her in years, the first message i sent to say i was in trouble, she was pounding on the door within ten minutes of getting the text. Obviously it didn't help, but i loved her immensely for trying."

Zack stills his chewing, lost in thought. "I can be that for you, if you want."

I frown, "be what?" I eat a macaron and swallow the moan from the taste of it.

"Be the person who brings you back from thinking the worlds going to end."

I blink, slightly taken back. Does he mean this in a romantic way? Subconsciously i really want him to mean it like that, although i know that i am not where near ready for romance. 

I chew on my lip. "I mean, yeah. I would say the same for you too."

Zack shakes his head, "No. I mean- i appreciate the offer, i do. But it's just that you don't know how dark my dark gets. I know when to ask for help, but when it's bad bad i don't want to put that on you. It's in no way fair of me to do that."

"But Zack, you need to remember that you're not a burden. I am offering to help you, if you want. It's okay to say no if you really don't think it's a good idea, but i promise you i am strong enough to help you. It might be nice to have someone in your corner."

Zack nods slowly, "Okay, but if it gets too bad again, and it always does at some point, i'm walking away. I can't do that to you. Leave you when you're too attached."

I'm silent for a moment, digesting to what he just said. He's going to leave? I begin to panic, thinking of the right thing to say to make this better. But then i realise this is what he means. He doesn't want to do this to me, because of this exact reason. I don't know what to say because i have never been in this situation before. I don't know how it feels. But i can imagine just how scary and lonely it must be. "I'm here for you, always."