Chapter 30 - Pillows

Amelia's POV:

I lay at the bottom of the bed, Zack at the top.

My legs rest on his chest, and his fingers dance across my skin. We are both rosy cheeked and smiling. 

"I love you," i say again, for what seems like the thousandth time today.

Zack grins, "I love you too, again, miss Amelia."

We stay in this moment together; both of us belonging to love, no permanent state in the world, we do not exist without each other.

I get up, twisting around so i can lay next to him on the pillows. Zack sighs contently. 

I take his arm, absentmindedly, and put it across my waist to hold me. Zack stiffens beside me, almost like he's holding his breath. I look over to him. 

"What is it?" I ask, his face etched in worry.

He shakes his head. And i almost curse at myself, because i'd forgotten about his scars on his arms. 

"Shit, i'm sorry does it hurt?" I ask, removing my pressure on his arm so he can move it away from me. But his arm stays put along my stomach and waist.

"No, baby, it doesn't. Most of my scars on my arms are healed. I just don't like you seeing them," He says, his eyes scanning my face to make sure i'm not upset.

I nod. "Well i'm fine if you're fine."

He nods too, turning to look out of the window infront of our bed. It is dark outside now; the sky is a dark navy blue, with tendrils of black swirling through, tainting it as the night goes on. Eventually there will only be black there, like always. The leaves on the tree outside our building are coated in a fine layer of cobweb, it glistens against the remnants of the moonlight.

I try to tell myself not to look. Partly because Zack trusts me not to make this uncomfortable, and partly because i cannot bring myself to actually see. But Becca asked me to look, and i know i will have to at some point in our future. 

Zack's forearm is decorated with small straight cuts, up and down, to the point where i look to his upper arm and see the same cuts just deeper and more scarred. Tears prick my eyes as i look at it; at his bicep it looks like he's reopened healed cuts, so they've healed bumpy and red. Gently, i flip over his arm, and feel my breath catch. The underside of his arm is even worse, if that's possible to imagine. The scars are a mix of purple and red, some look new and some look old. On this right arm, there are two vertical cuts, deep and long. At the sight of these i start sobbing, because i know what they mean. I hold my hand out to Zack and he gives me his left arm. Two more vertical scars, one flat and one raised with puckered edges, like they had a hard time sewing it together. 

I look up to Zack as he watches me looking at his arms, and see his expression. Sorrow and anger and exhaustion in his eyes. And all of a sudden i can't breathe; sobs racking my body, shaking me. I sit forward, trying to catch my breath. Zack sits up beside me, wrapping his arms around me from the side. He kisses my head, pulling me tight to him with those arms. 

He holds me until my crying has subsided, until i can think again. 

"I shouldn't have let you look," He whispers gently to me, still rocking us back and forth comfortingly. 

I shake my head. "No, i needed to see all of you. No hiding."

He releases me slightly, just so i can look up at him. "I love you, Amelia. But i think me being with you might not be what you need right now. I think i'm hurting you without meaning to."

I blink, that was not what i expected him to say. "No, Zack, you are exactly what i need right now. You have never hurt me. I am going to stay with you because i know i am safe and with someone who loves me as much as i love them. Your scars are just marks of the past, and not the present, okay? All i need to know to stay by your side is that you're trying. Trying to be better, and to not cut yourself, at least not as much as you used to, trying to remain hopeful that one day things will get better inside your brain and you will want to be alive. And that day does not have to be right now, or tommorow, i just need a promise that you will try to find it, and not stop looking for it."

Zack is still and quiet for a moment. I feel him breathing, his chest rising and falling steadily beside my head. "I promise you, Amelia. I promise that i am trying, that i will not stop looking for that day. I will welcome it with open arms, fucking sprint to find it. And guess what? I didn't tell you, because i didn't know how you'd react, but i've only cut myself once this week."

I smile at him. "That's definitely an improvement," i say, trying to hold back tears. "I am so proud of you, Zack."

He pulls a face. "I wish you had something else to be proud of. That it didn't have to be you congratulating me for only making myself bleed once this week. I wish i could be someone who could come home, and say 'hey guess what? I got a promotion at work!'"

"Zack it won't always be like this. I am proud of you for other things too, like putting your mental health ahead of your job at the Law firm. Someday soon you will be able to tell me that you have exciting news which aren't of the harming variety. But until then, i am proud of you. Immensely so."