Lost

“Dry as a bone, Olivia…well done.” Mrs Blackstone said, as she straightened my skirt.

“I’ve been going every chance I get, Mrs Blackstone.” I told her, almost defiantly, because regardless of what the dark shadows in my head said, she was not my favourite person, but also because the history test had given me some confidence. I had got out of the classroom without any more confrontations, and had reported to her as agreed with Caroline to make sure that our pee strategy was working. I had to admit that Olivia had a proper problem down there. I never had any sensations of needing to go, but when I sat on the loo, I always let out a good stream almost instantly. But if I emptied the tanks regularly, I could stay dry. I had just proved that, to myself, if no one else.

“Good girl…and it seems that Felicity and the twins are waiting to join you…for lunch…so off you go…just make sure you go again before you go back into class?”

“I will, I promise.” I said, almost happily, and dashed out to the others, feeling better than I had felt since touching the Dream Stone. I had expected the twins to be there for me, but Felicity was more of a surprise. She obviously knew us really well, because Sheila and Caroline were clearly close friends, and the twins loved her. But then again, Chloe and Grace were the sort of girls who loved everyone, and Olivia did not count Felicity as any sort of friend, so it was nice of her to bother with me. I was pathetically grateful to her.

“You’re doing really well,” Grace said, as we headed for the cafeteria.

“You haven’t stayed dry all morning for ages?” Chloe added, beaming at me. I noticed, for the first time, that they were both slightly taller than me. Only by an inch or two, but I was very much the little sister.

“It’s more by luck than judgement…I don’t feel anything…down there? I just don’t know when I need to go?” I admitted, holding hands with both of them, as Felicity walked beside us like a minder. She was being nice. I was sure that she would have preferred to be with her own friends, but she also knew that no one from my class would bother me, if she was with me. We sat together at lunch, and then she came right up to my classroom door when I went to get my coat and hat, which everyone had to wear if they went outside. She must have grabbed her own things and more or less sprinted over to keep an eye on me. I thought that was really nice of her.

“It will get easier…Mummy says you are on new medication?” Felicity said, trying to make me feel better. “And if you remember to go regularly, you won’t wet yourself…you really can help yourself, you know, Olivia?”

“I am trying…” I suggested, and she grinned at me.

“You do seem to be…and I’ll help if I can?” She promised, still being nice.

“Everyone will,” Grace agreed, holding my hand so tightly. It was so bizarre. I just could not believe that I was standing there, wrapped up in the strict Deepdene uniform, discussing my bladder problems with two stepsisters I had only met the afternoon before, and a girl I had only known for a couple of hours. But I appreciated their support, and quite happily let them look after me. Especially Felicity. She stayed close, and even went with me when I went to the loo just before the bell was due to ring for afternoon lessons. She held my coat and hat for me, and waited for me to come out.

“Here, your tie is all crooked…you don’t want to get told off.” She grinned, stepping forward to straighten it for me, after I had washed my hands.

“Thanks…for everything?”

“You’re welcome…but you don’t normally like being helped?”

“Sorry…”

“Don’t be…if you can make a fresh start, maybe we should too? Friends help each other…so I should help you?” She said, holding out my coat to me.

“Can you…can you help me put it on, please?” I murmured, and she nodded, before holding it up for me to shrug on, and then squatting down to deal with the zip. I am not really sure why I asked her to do that, because I could manage a zip, but faced with going back inside, for an afternoon of tests, I needed some support, and asking her to help was my way of showing her that I appreciated her efforts, I suppose.

Unfortunately, all too soon, it was time to go back in, and I was on my own again, but I was not panicking about the tests anymore. The whole idea of the tests seemed to be about checking how much the class had learned so far that year. Caroline had told me that no one was supposed to revise for them, because it was all about how much we had really absorbed rather than testing our ability to read our notes and regurgitate them. And my performance in the history test had provided me with a lot more confidence. History was my best subject, alongside English, but I was a year ahead of the rest of the class in everything else, and despite my nerves, I was telling myself that I would do okay and please everyone, which would calm things down and give me a chance to think about things properly. And I think I would have done, if the second test had not turned out to be Latin, which Olivia might have studied for five terms, but I had never even looked at before in my life. Even after seeing the twins do their Latin prep the night before, I had never even considered the possibility that Olivia might be studying it too!

I read the questions. I tried to see if I could work out any answers, but it was impossible. I had no idea about any of them, and I just sat there for almost an hour, staring at the blank sheet of paper like an idiot. Olivia was obviously not a brainbox, as the school seemed to want to put her down another year, but she had been studying Latin for five terms, at least. When they saw that I could not even attempt an answer to any of the questions, they were all going to get quite seriously worried, and in my confused mind, whether it was right or wrong, that meant doctors and shrinks, and hospitals, and that would leave me with no room to manoeuvre. I did not have a plan to save myself, to get myself back into Kelly Hughes, but it was my intention to develop one, when I finally got two minutes to think about it, but that would never be possible if I was committed to a mental health facility. Because no one would believe the truth, and they would think I was going mad, having some sort of breakdown, but it was hopeless. I could not answer any of the questions, and I could feel the pressure, I could hear my heart thumping away inside my chest and the walls closing in on me. I started to shake again, as the confidence the quiz and the easy history test had started to rebuild disappeared, and all of a sudden, I pushed my chair back, sending it crashing across the tiled floor, and just ran out of the classroom. I had no idea where I was going or what I was going to do, but I just had to get out of there.

No one stopped me. I crashed through the outer door and started to really sprint, as best as I could in my shiny black shoes, heading for the main gates, just as Caroline came around the side of the main building with Mrs Blackstone beside her. Her reactions were much better than mine. I was almost on her, tears streaming down my face, not really even looking where I was going, but she scooped me up in her strong arms, and I was safe, but also gone. In hindsight, it was all just too much for me. I was just a kid, however mature and independent I thought I was as Kelly, and I had endured quite a difficult twenty-four hours, one way or the other. I had been trying so hard to process everything whilst trying to function as Olivia, as that was who I was all of a sudden, and if I did not do that, I knew I would face questions that I did not know how to answer. No one was ever going to believe me. I did not think I would have believed myself if someone had tried to tell me that story. And I did not know what to do or where to turn, other than that I felt safest in Caroline’s arms. I was not thinking straight about anything really. I was just totally overwhelmed, and as it had the day before, my body just shut down, like someone switching off a light. I had my little arms and legs wrapped tightly around Caroline, clinging onto her for dear life, and white noise screaming in my burning ears, deafening me and blocking everything else out, until finally, I just slipped away into blissful silence.