Drug-tested

We turned off the highway and went down the dark dirt road. The truck was handling the dirt like a champ. I looked at Roxanne, who was focused on her phone, and she said, "Almost there. Look for a disko light in the sky." Sure enough, a disco light beamed straight into the sky. As we got closer, the light turned off. We pulled up next to the van, and both got out. A young man about our age got out and headed right for Roxanne. Roxanne exclaimed, "Miles! It's been too long!" Miles responded. "It's great to see you. It has been like 50 years! You haven't changed a bit, and who is this exemplary example of a vampire?" For having dreadlocks, smelling like marijuana, and wearing a Reggae singer's shirt, Miles seemed to be educated. Roxanne responded, "This is Hank, and he's my new mate." Miles looked me up and down. Miles affirmed, "He is quite the specimen, and I would hypothesize that everything is proportional." I thought, "Oh lord. I'm not sure I like where this is headed." I hadn't thought about the sexual preferences vampires could have, but I guessed that they could be like normal humans. Before I could figure out how to carefully diffuse this landmine I stepped on, Miles said, "By the way, he is blushing, I guess that is a yes." Roxanne came to my rescue and hugged me, accompanied by "Miles, he's all mine." A loud female voice roared from the van. "MILES! WE HAVE HAD THIS CONVERSATION!" The van door opened, and a female vampire, assumed due to her still putting on a bra, got out and walked toward Roxanne. Roxanne exclaimed, "Missy! How are you?" Missy responded, "I'm great! Sorry for Miles trying to steal Hank. I left him unattended for 30 seconds, and he gets in trouble like a toddler." Miles told Missy, "I wasn't going to steal Hank.....for too long." Missy gave Miles the universal parental stare of disapproval, and Miles said, "Okay, I'm done." As Miles examined me, he asked Roxanne, "Besides showing off your..... exquisite new truck, what else do you need?" 

Roxanne asked, "Are you still in the same line of business?" Miles grinned, "Of course, honey." Roxanne grabbed my arm and pulled me aside. I had an idea of what would occur here, and Roxanne confirmed it. "Miles was a chemist before he got bit. He now sells special narcotics suited to vampires. Normal intoxicants don't work well on us." I admitted, "I'm not sure about this." Roxanne countered, "Haven't you always wondered what being high would feel like?" I was curious because I was frequently drug-tested for every job I've ever had for being younger than most other employees. I conceded, "Let's do it." Roxanne walked over to Miles, and Miles said, "I'm going borrow Roxane, and Missy is going to take care of the financials with you." Miles and Roxane entered the van, and Missy approached me. Missy disclosed, "Sorry about Miles. He loves everyone, especially after we spend quality time together." I responded, "No worries. I'm flattered." Missy laughed and then stated. "Miles just mind-linked me what Roxanne asked for and wants to know if you want a little special something." I had to think about that last portion and used Miles's previous behavior to deduce an answer. I asked, "Is it helpful?" Missy giggled, and I hypothesized, "What could go wrong." Missy said, "We take payments in multiple ways. We prefer useful items such as silver, information, and blood." I asked, "Why would you need silver?" Missy responded. "We've been robbed a few times by other vampires. We have the casts and materials to melt down the silver to make silver bullets."

 I needed to improve at negotiating, but I had a plan. I asked Missy, "How much product did Roxanne want?" Missy stated, "Just enough for a month." I responded, "How about two pure silver bars and, for Miles, a book on how to procreate with the unnatural." Missy stated, "We have a deal." I mind-radioed Roxanne, and I saw a big thumbs-up sign. I told Missy, "Let's do it." We went to my truck, and the silver, and the book. Missy asked, "You guys are going to Mexico?" I hesitated to share, and she said, "Roxanne told Miles, and we are giving you guys a product that drug dogs won't hit on." I nodded as we walked back over to the van, and the door opened up. Roxanne got out with Miles, and they were both giggly. Missy roared. "REALLY MILES! CAN YOU GO ONE SECOND WITHOUT DOING SOMETHING STUPID!?" Before Missy could fire off another scold, I interrupted, "It's all good. I'm curious as to how high Roxanne behaves. I'm guessing that they took an edible?" Missy articulated, "Sort of. The process is complex due to the difference between our biology and human biology." Miles and Roxanne sat by a fire pit, still laughing. Missy went into the van and handed me two contraptions. Missy explained, "You put some human blood in this part of the container, the vile of the substance in this compartment, and then once you are ready, push this igniter button and drink quickly." 

The process didn't sound simple, and I wanted to know how it worked. I asked, "How does this work because every hypothetical article agrees that the only thing of value that we ingest is blood." Missy concluded, "Those articles are right to a degree. Miles's compound bonds with the hemoglobin in the human blood and, when ingested, produces psychedelic effects or makes you feel drunk. Miles spent most of his life perfecting the concoction." Missey returned to the van and got a case of the viles and a purple box. Missey announced, "The case should last the month and this purple box has pills that will turn your little soldier into a tank." I wasn't sure how this would go over with Roxanne or what "tank" meant, but I figured that if Roxanne truly loved me, we would make it work. I packed the items away and went to scoop up Roxanne, but when I scooted out from under the bed cover, she was standing right there. I asked, "How are you feeling" She responded, "I'm good now. The stuff he gave me was short-lasting." Roxanne and I walked over to Missy and Miles, who were behind the van. We walked around the corner to find the two naked and making out. I tried to run for it, but Miles moved at lightning speed and kissed me on the cheek. I was like a deer in headlights, and he said, "Treat her well, and if you two have a falling out, call me." Missy grabbed Miles by his appendage and dragged him into the van. Missy pushed him into the van, slammed the door, and walked over to me. She hugged me and said, "Did you see that scar on Mile's chest?" I nodded. Missy continued, "Roxanne saved his life when she was in Europe. Miles is an idiot, but he's my idiot. Take care of her, and if you break her heart, I'll tear your dick off. Here is a card for a mechanic near the border, Ryker. You may want some upgrades to survive down there." I shyly nodded and returned to the truck where Roxanne was waiting. I jumped in, and Roxanne exclaimed, "I'm Ready for Las Vegas!" I put the truck in gear, and we tore out of there, throwing rocks everywhere.