Chapter 9

"Maybe home is nothing but your embrace, holding me tight – knowing that you will never leave."

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It was a frigid morning and my neck and back ached – the books underneath me were crumpled from me laying on them for an extended amount of time. Paper was still bestrewn slightly on the desk, I did not know when I had fallen asleep. Disorientated, I gingerly got up from my seat, groaning as my body moved, bones creaking like old timber. The haze over my mind left me after a few moments after I collapsed onto my bed. With remarkable clarity, my thoughts began working themselves into different orders and going through the motions as if I hadn't been up at night trying to ignore the bond as it was the cause of my guilt.A knock sounded at my door and I scampered over – ignoring the disarray of myself, simply too worn to focus on my appearance or my reputation. Something that my mother had always continuously mentioned, on occasion I would even ask if she was tired of scolding me about my conduct. Some days she would humour me, other days she would glare and further reprimand me.I opened the door and Kratos was there, a sense of reassurance filled my heart when I saw him, the ever-present and considerate smile on his face. I looked away, slightly to his side, waiting for him to speak. Only then did I truly take in his appearance, he was decked out in Myrrhinian armour – the copper was almost akin to a second skin on Kratos. The linothorax armour of the Myrrhinians always floored me. I paused for a moment."Apologies. You look outstanding by the way. What have you come here to tell me?"He rolled his eyes, chuckling, "We're heading to the southern border. There we will enter the Hoberkirch Kingdom, we will be heading to the capital Frohn. Then further south to the country, Telvia.""Good Enki," I breathe, "Are we even properly prepared for any of this?"I saw the faint grimace on his face, "It's difficult to tell, isn't it? They know the terrain well enough–""Am I interrupting something?"I rolled my eyes subtly and grumbled slightly under my breath; Kratos chuckled and shot him a glare, trying to keep my lip from twitching in amusement. Further down the hallway was Aretis."Do you need something?""Just wondering if you needed help with preparations and getting ready?"What a lame excuse, I smiled, all teeth and no eyes – wide grin from side to side."Thank you for gracing me with your honour," Kratos snorted silently, keeping his head turned away from me though the slight shaking of his shoulders made the amusement rise in me, "But there is no need as this gentleman here will be enough.""Oh, right. On another matter, I have yet to inform you, that we will leave within two hours."Nodding, I dipped my head and grabbed Kratos before closing the door. Leaning on it and let out a breath as I heard her footsteps fade away. Giggling slightly, I left the door, wondering how did my hearing get so good, maybe it was when I was staying up straining them to catch even the slightest of sounds prior."Should I help you pack?"I stood there for a moment, contemplating. What did I need? Not much obviously, I had learned to pack light over my time in the army – something that most of us had learnt pretty quickly. I walked around my room slowly: I grabbed a few pages of paper and my notebook that had compiled all my thoughts, my trusty pen – it was something that my father had given me, it was a fountain pen with replaceable ink cartridges, a handy little thing that always allowed me to write whenever I liked.Kratos had wandered over to my desk and was looking through the stacks of papers, the letters specifically, I don't know why I just watched him whereas I usually would have batted someone away from my papers. It was more of a habit when batting an individual away from those papers – probably because most of the time they were trying to go through the documents I had with the Imperial Family. How strange, I thought, he was going through my letters containing personal information and conversations. No, he wasn't reading any of them, but he seemed to be admiring the envelopes, flicking through them with seemingly great care before he reached one tied with a green satin ribbon."You having fun there?"He looked over at me, eyes wide and his lips parted ever so slightly, it was an endearing look on him. Kratos looked back at the stack in his hand before putting them down with a slightly flustered smile. Rubbing the back of his neck as there was a light flush to the tip of his ears."Yes, I am," he lifted that letter so that it was in plain view for both of us, "Is this to someone special?"I stared at him for a moment longer, "Aye, a dearest friend of mine."The pack in my hand felt heavy though it was lightly packed – it seemed that I still packed a lot of things just in case, Kratos put the letter back down gently as if my words weighed heavily on him; I ignored him and stared out the window, my head was silent and none of my usual thoughts was flitting around my head, a complete silence that made my eyes freeze on a spot and stare, though at what even I am not sure of.I blinked a few times and put my cloak on and gathered the rest of my things and waited at the door as Kratos hurried to exit, I closed the door and locked it.________________________________________________________________________________We were heading to the Kingdom of Hoberkirch, and with this trip, it would take at least two weeks before they even reach the capital, Frohn. Though it was a direct route – the Hoberkirch population was not that fond of the Myrrhinians, there was a lot of judgement when the two countries interacted with each other, normally opting to just pretend that the other did not exist. Hoberkirch was similar to Eflua in terms of traditions and etiquette though they were not religious by any means and had a much colder temperament than the Efluainians, many on the continent deeming them to be callous people. The trip from Frohn is where their break would be and then they would head to the Thearchy of Mesole, the capital, Wisterly. There is where Aretis would meet the person she was to fight for, and then the person she would be destined to fight – where she would be fitted with the armour almost tailored to her very figure, where she would soon be gone from this realm.I was not ready to say that I felt a twinge in my heart as she rode in front of me. There are always so many things on the tip of my tongue.The weather was not forgiving, it was almost a mirror of my inner turmoil – I was sure she could feel it. Though it wasn't a nuisance, nor did I have the capacity to hold my grudge against her for so long, I just longed to be home. The little bouts of homesickness were something that I had grown accustomed to, something that I thought would never continue to affect me. Yet, here I am, reminiscing about my place back in Eflua – how I would wake up in my home, my father coming back periodically, my mother always about the house until the late afternoon when she would then zoom off to do some charity work or whatever she would always get up to. I missed everything guilelessly. Now I am off to fight, a war I don't believe in. The rest of the council seemed content with the mediocre planning that they did – it had left me not developing any deeper friendships with the other soldiers apart from Kratos and his entourage.I was too scared that I would be going into a blur when they die, nor did I want them to care about me if I were to die also."How do you feel about this Xianlan?"I shrugged at Heracleitus' question, "About?""The war.""Nothing. If I die, give my body back to Eflua. Make it so that no one of the opposition takes my corpse and mutilated it."There was a solemn silence over us, and their gazes were once again heavy on my back. I ignored them and dug my heels into my horse, urging it to go to the front, to where Aretis and her group were. I rode next to her. I knew she was surprised the bond had indicated that much, and surprisingly I was smiling myself, pulling my cloak tighter around me and my hood around my face, I urged my horse into the gallop.***Maybe it was the sheer amount of joy that I felt through the bond, something so pure and with such clarity – had left me breathless, and I watched her gallop further and further until there was a tug on me, something that also urged me to follow her as the rain started coming down harder. The others were also on horseback but kept formation – before I went off, ordering others not to follow as I chased after Xianlan. I could feel the disapproval from the Seniors but I could not bring myself to care.I went after her, and we were soon so far ahead that the whole group was a little blob on the trail – the wind was robust against me, my hair whipped around my neck, and my eyes were pricking with the wind.It was reckless of us to break formation as anything could happen on this trail – yet here we are, galloping through the path. The rhythmic pounding of the mounts' hooves battering the ground, toughening the already trodden path further. There was always something about the vegetation surrounding us that made the chase all the more exhilarating.________________________________________________________________________________We were allowed a few days' rest at Frohn; there was an obvious tension between Myrrhinians and the Frohnese, and there was a difference in culture that prevented the two sides from interacting too much. Both seemed to be at each other's throats with their interactions, the Frohnese had a natural disposition to sarcasm – the Myrrhinians always made jokes in a very obvious manner that was suited to their boisterous and loud nature. The Frohnese were much more subtle in their humour – more often than not it would be considered a great feat for any individual to be jested with by a Frohnese as they seldom do it anyways, it is an act of great affection if they were to joke with you.The three days they had spent in the capital was a good break for their mounts and the foot soldiers that were with them. They had needed to rent out two inns to house all of them – there were no details for this either and this was a concerning factor for Xianlan as she needed to know the minor details otherwise her thoughts would be in complete disarray, and while it was not the end of the world the disrespect from within the army that was directed towards her was also very stifling to her. The Seniors made sure everything was tailored to her inconvenience – it was almost as if Xianlan did not have her soldiers that were there too. Many a time did both sides nearly get into altercations before it was broken up by either Kratos and his friends, Xianlan, or on occasion the local Frohnese people.There was careful diplomacy installed by the Pyrtaronese people; Pyrtaros was a small country of similar size to the Thearchy of Mesole, that neighboured the furthermost eastern border slightly to the south and separated the Wuberg Empire from the Kingdom of Hoberkirch. Pyrtaros, Mesole and Telvia are all neutral states that would be marked blue on a map as a notice of their neutrality. They are the leading countries in diplomacy and even if any country were to debase the neutrality of the Diplomatic Triumvirate, there would be a penalty that would be handed out to the offending country.It had been getting worse and it was something Xianlan wanted to see how long this atrocious behaviour would continue. It did continue until they were on the last day.Perhaps there was no need to continue prodding fun at the sleeping bear.________________________________________________________________________________Heracleitus had come to me holding a bowl of broth out towards me, something that I accepted gratefully as I was yet to be used to the slightly colder climate of Hoberkirch.We both sat in silence savouring the food that was given to us. It was not much, and I had heard talks of there being a food scarcity – soldiers were being sent out to buy food from the locals and it was proving to be a bit more difficult as there was some hostility between the soldiers and the locals."Have you spoken to Lady Wuzung?"I looked into my bowl, looking at the last dredges of my dinner, "What about her?""The abuse her and her soldiers are suffering. Tampering of equipment and the such," there was the prominent disdain in his tone, "How deplorable of us. I had brought it up with the Honourable Lady Atalante, yet, it seemed too that she was reluctant to do anything.""Why are you telling me this?"I ignored the rage crashing against the walls of my heart, the indignation that rose like bile up my throat and threatened to cloud my judgement."Because I have had enough! Atlas and Timoteus have many times brought complaints and complaints against the Seniors! I have done so too! Yet you seem insistent to stand by the side and do nothing! And she considers you her friend, yet–"I got up and walked away from the table and out into the open streets; I continued walking through the quiet streets of the evening and letting my feet take me wherever making a small note of the path I had taken lest I completely lose my way.I found myself in a clearing, near the edge of the streets and where it was branching off. There was a group of people kneeling in front of a cloaked individual. There was a certain way in which the cloaked individual held. It reminded me of one of those dark paintings that depicted the more twisted parts of an individual's psyche – something that always had a haunting picture, and the whole of the continent condemned it in their way.Inching ever so slowly closer to the place. I could make out a feminine voice – she spoke with clarity and authority.Xianlan–Realisation dawned on me sharply, yet there was no apprehension felt when I looked upon the scene again. The people that were kneeling were wearing the Myrrhinian armour too. The singular thought that was flitting through my head was discipline; I looked back to her figure and saw that it was turned towards me – I did not need to see her eyes to know that she was staring at me. The eye she had on me implanted me in my place, I thought I would feel the sharp chill of fear run down my spine, yet there was nothing of the sort.The figure approached me with remarkable swiftness that I started blundering backwards out of reflex until the figure was in front of me and I could see through the dark her face, trying to concentrate on her features that were cloaked in the gloaming."What are you doing here, Kratos?"The air between us was cold, and none of the usual warmth was there."I-I was out for a stroll."She turned around and I was staring at her back – frozen with stupefaction by the sudden change of behaviour. My hand reached out to her before it stopped, and jolted as if it had a mind of its own and halted for a moment and dropped limply to my side."We should maintain a distance between us.""Why?"I was only answered with silence and nothing more. Now the chill didn't freeze me to the spot where I stood, it only served as a stony crypt where I could feel everything gather and shift into ashes in my chest and along with it all my expectancies and desires seemed to be jettisoned to the flank by the very Gods I had wished to.________________________________________________________________________________Maybe I was too harsh.There was no feeling in my body nor thoughts in my head as I yanked the soldiers back to the camp, my knights heeded closely behind and I reminded the base and the rest of the men why I was allocated the name Executioner on the battlefield.The fear in their eyes made me feel more alive than when they viewed me as just another noble that didn't know what they were doing – the pure sense of satisfaction that ran through should have disturbed me. But in turn, it only served my ego.My expression did not change until I was back in my designated room, even then, all I could think about was the reprieve from reality.I laid there for an extended period, trying to gather my thoughts that were so scattered and distant from each other that it was demanding trying to string them concurrently.Lifting my hand slowly I thought of Kai, and I wondered how he was growing. Something twisted in my chest and I thought of how I had failed him as his mother figure – I had written to him frequently, detailing my days and indulging him by sending sweets and certain little trinkets that reminded me of him.So many duties, all for one person to bear. I feel as if I am drowning in a black sea.