Tonight my eyes were different, though. Scared. Everything seemed different. Surf the waves. I heard a voice inside me say. Stand tall. You always stand tall.
As much as I tried to press it back, the question formed: why me?“ I threw on a pair of sweats, tied up my hair in a short ponytail, and went into the kitchen to boil water for pasta and heat up a sauce I had put in the fridge a couple of night before.
While it sounds simmered, I put a CD, Sarah MacLachlan, and sat at the kitchen counter with a glass of day-old Bianco red. I petted Snoopy as the music played.
Ever since my divorce had become final two years ago, I had lived alone, I hate living alone. I loved people, friends, I used to love my husband, Jousha more than life itself-until he left me saying “Moo, I can’t explain it. I love you, but I have to leave. I need to find someone else. There’s nothing else to say.”
I guess he was being truthful, but it was the dumbest, saddest thing I’d ever heard. Broke my heart into a million pieces. It still broken. So even though I hate living alone- except for Snoopy, of course I am afraid to be with somebody again. What if he suddenly stopped loving me? I couldn’t take it. So I turn down, or shoot down, just about every man who comes anywhere near me.
But God, I hate being alone.
Especially this night.
My mother had died from breast cancer when I was just out of college. I had transferred to the city school from Berkeley to assist her and help take care of my younger sister Cat. Like most things in her life, even Dad’s walking out, Mom dealt with her illness only when it was too late to do anything about it.
I had seen my father only twice since I was thirteen. He wore a uniform for twenty years in Central. Was known as a pretty good cop. He used to go down this bar, the Alibi, and stay for the giants game after his shift. Sometimes he took me, his little mascot,” for the boys to admire.
When the sauce was ready I poured it over fusiliers and dragged the plate and salad out to my terrace. Snoppy tagged along. She has been my shadow since I adopted her from the Border Collie Rescue society. I lived on the petroleum hill, in a renovated blue Michael Ian town house with a view of the bay. Not the fancy view like the one from the Mandarin Suite.
I sat down propped my feet up on a neighboring chair, and balanced the plate on my laps. Across the bay, the light of Oakland glimmered like a thousand unsympathetic eyes, I looked out the at the galaxy of flashing light, felt my eyes well up, and for the second time that day I realized that I was crying. Snoppy nuzzled me gently, then she finished the fusilli for me.
Quarter to nine the next morning I was rapping at the fogged window of the lieutenant Kalistus’s office at the Hall. Kalistus likes me- like another daughter, he says. He has no idea how condescending he can be. I’m tempted to tell Kalistus that I liked him like a grandfather.
I was expecting a crowed-at least a couple of suits from the internal Affairs, or maybe Captain welting, who oversaw the Bureau of Imspectors- but as he motioned me in, I saw there was only one other person in the room.
A nice looking type dressed in the chambray shirt and striped tie, with short, dark hair and strong shoulders. He had a handsome, intelligent face that seemed to come to life as I walked in, but it only meant one thing to me:
Polished brass. Someone from the department’s press corps, or city Hall.
I had blunt, uneasy feelings they’d been talking about me.
On the way over, I had rehearsed a convincing rebuttal about the breach in press security-how I’d arrived late on the scene myself, and the real issue was the crime. But Kalistus surprise me.” Wedding Bell Blues.’ They are calling it, “ he said tossing the morning’s chronicle in my face.
I saw it,” I refilled, relived to focus back on the case.
He looked at Mr. City Hall. We’ll be reading about this one every step of the way. Both kids were rich. Ivy League, popular. Sort of like young Kennedy and that blond wife of his-their tragedy.”
Who they were doesn’t matter to me.” I answered.about yesterday
He stopped me with his hand.’ Forget about yesterday. Chief Kalistus’s already been on the line with me. This case has his full attention.
He glanced at the smartly dressed political type in the corner.” What happened on the high-profile investigation can’t happen here.” Then he said to me.’ We are changing the rules on this one.’’
Suddenly, the air in the room got thick with the uneasy feel of a setup.
Then Mr. City Hall stepped forward. I noticed his eyes bore the experience lines of someone who had put in his time.” The mayor and chief Mercer thought were might handle this investigation as an interdepartmental alliance. That is, if you were up for working with the new one,” he said.
New?” My eyes bounced back and forth between them two, ultimately settling on Kalistus.
Meet you new partner,” Kalistus announced.
I’m getting royally screwed, a voice inside me declared. They wouldn’t do this to man.
Gebriel smith,” Mr. City Hall Hotshot said, extending his hand. I didn’t reach out to take.
For the past few years,” Kalistus went on,” Captain Gebriel has worked as a community Action liaison with the mayor’s office. He specializes in managing potentially sensitive cases.”
Managing?”
Gebriel rolled his eyes at me. He was trying to be self-effacing.” Contains... controlling the damage... healing any wounds in the community afterwards,”
Oh,” I shot back,” you are marking man.”
he smiled. Every part of him oozed a practiced, confident air I associated with the the kind of who sat around large tables at the city Hall.
Before that,” Kalistus went on,’ Gebriel was a district captain over the northern.”
That’s Embassy Row.” I sniffed. Everybody joked about the blue-blood northern district, which ranged from Nob Hill to pacific Hights. Hot crimes there were society women who heard noises outside their town houses and late-arriving tourists locked of their bed and-breakfast.
We also handled traffic around the presidio Gebriel countered with another smile.
I ignored him. I turned to Kalistus.” What about Isaiah?” He and I had shared every case for the past two years.
Isaiah will be reassigned. I have got a plum job for him and his big mouth.
I don’t like leaving my partner behind, dumb-ass wisecracks and all. But Isaiah was his own worst enemy.
To my surprise, Gebriel asked.” You okay with this inspector?”
I don’t really have a choice. I nodded yes.” If you don’t get in the way. Beside, you were nicer ties than Isaiah.”
Father’s Day present.” He beamed. I couldn’t believe I felt a tremor of disappointment shooting through me. Jesus. Moo. I didn’t see a ring. Moo!
I’m taking you off all assignments.” Kalistus announced.” No conflicting obligations. Isaiah can handle the back end, if he wants to stay on the case.
So who’s in charge?” I asked cherry. I was senior partner to Isaiah; I was used to running my own cases.
Kalistus chortled. He works with the mayor. He’s an ex district captain. Who do you think’s in charge?”
How about, in the field you lead?” Gebriel suggested.” What we do with what we find is mind.”
I hesitated, giving him an evaluating stare. God he was so smooth.
Kalistus looked at me.” You want me to ask Isaiah if he’s got similar reservations?” Gebriel met my eyes.” Look I will let you know when we can’t work it out.”
It was a good negotiation as I was going to get. The deal changed. But at least I kept my case.” So what do I call you? Captain?”
With a causal ease, Gebriel tosses a light brown sport coat over his shoulder and reached for the door,” try my name. I have been a civilian now for five years.”
Okay, Gebriel,” I said with a faint smile.” You ever get to see a dead body while you were in Northen?”