Sins

She came up with a pack of cigarettes, a plastic tube and the zippo. She pushed back out the driver door with her haul, leaving the car running. The door shut behind her receding form, leaving Tim sitting alone in the idling car. He took a deep breath and reached for his handle. He opened the door and stepped out into the brisk morning, looking at Rachel across the hood of the car.

She had already peeled the plastic from the top of the pack of cigarettes, a small rectangle of wrap tumbling away from her, banished to the recesses of the parking lot by the wind. Rachel stuck a cigarette between her lips and fumbled with the zippo.

“It’s been a while.” She said defensively, finally getting the flint to strike an admirable amount of flame. When the wick of the zippo caught she kissed the triangle of flame to the air just in front of her cigarette. She inhaled through the cigarette and it lit, an immediate ember. She clicked the zippo closed and coughed as she exhaled a cloud of smoke.

“Ahh…” The catharsis reached only by an addict satisfying their base desires.

“I don’t see how this is helping us. Don’t we have somewhere we need to be? I’d rather try to get there.” Irritated was an understatement. Tim was willing to play along on the off chance he could help someone else by doing so. He did not have much interest in sitting here and staring at this stranger smoke. “We didn’t even make it fifteen minutes and we’ve stopped!”

Rachel looked at him thoughtfully as she popped open the tube in her hand by depressing either side just below the cap. She shook a joint into her hand and put it between her lips to join the cigarette. She then transferred the butt to between her pointer and middle finger on her left hand. She lit the zippo more confidently this time, igniting the joint.

“What?” Acting very much like she hadn’t heard him.

She took a few long, slow pulls on the burning marijuana, exhaling with obvious pleasure. After a few moments she half held out the joint towards him.

“Do you partake?”

“No. No thanks. I never…never liked the feeling of being out of control…since the kids anyway…” He trailed off and looked at her.

Rachel stood just a few steps from the hood of the car. She took greedy hits off the joint, interspersing a drag of the cigarette every few puffs. She stood huddled into herself, trying to curl into her core of heat. From the multiple hoods that sprouted behind her head it shouldn’t be too difficult, she was clearly wearing several hoodies. The top most was a Nickelodeon one, once white with an orange splat off center, now tie died swirls of black, purple, turquoise and pink. She wore simple jeans, dark blue and rip less. The foundation of her outfit was white converse high tops covered with cavorting, brightly colored dinosaurs. Not quite the attire he would expect from his spiritual journey leader. Though to be fair, he had never met one before. He had to give her the benefit of the doubt. For now.

“Ok Rachel, what can I do?” the question was pretty open ended. He had no idea what “do” may even be.

“Have an open mind. Enjoy the adventure.” She stubbed the joint and cigarette one after the other, kneeling down to twist their lives out into the pavement.

Rachel hunched her shoulders back and stretched, the various chemicals she had consumed coursing through her blood.

“Let’s go.” She opened the door and went to get in.

“Whoa! Whoa? I don’t think you should be driving now. Let me drive…” He protested without meaning it. No way he’d get behind the wheel. He had only been able to even be in a car at all because this didn’t necessarily seem real.

“I’m fine.” Her look was cool and knowing as she settled herself behind the wheel, a poker player who knew they had the high cards calling a bluff. The topic was a rabbit hole he had no desire to go down, so he wordlessly acquiesced and slid into the passenger seat.

They buckled up and she shifted the car into drive, no ceremony as Rachel went back up the way they came, pointed towards the highway.

“This may be my last chance.” She explained, the light ahead of them turned green and they went left, a merge right and back onto 95 South.

“I don’t know what’s after this for me. I’ve fucked up too.” She paused to think it through. “If I end after this, I want my memories to be strong.”

She merged onto the highway, accelerating to near 70 before she was even halfway up the ramp. A no-nonsense sort of merge that caused the other drivers to have to make way for you. It also caused them to get pretty irritated.

“It may seem weird.” Unapologetic for her brutish driving, she was already in the middle lane and arcing left. “But I have a lot of good memories of smoking. Memories are very important…they’re all that’s left of me.”

Tim came at this topic obliquely “Anything you’d like to talk about?” He meant it; they would have to pass the time somehow.

“Not really. I smoked a lot when I was young. When the future was in front of me and my possibilities were endless.” She didn’t seem particularly pensive as she told him this. “They aren’t my best memories but they are some of my most hopeful. They are far enough back in time to not be tainted.”

Tim felt like he had to take the bait at this point. She wanted to talk, but she didn’t want to seem like she wanted to. Even though he was not a mushy feely guy he was always open to someone unburdening themselves. He’d been through enough shit of his own that he could empathize with terrible choices.

“What happened?”

Rachel spoke as if this was a normal conversation two near strangers may have.

“I killed myself.” No preamble.