Socks

Rachels early morning driving was no more tame than her late afternoon and night driving. She flew to their destination, driving aggressively, bordering on hostile. Before he had even sorted through his waking thoughts they were there. Rachel parked in a non-spot in front of the concrete store that sat on the corner of the street. She was out of the car and inside the store before Tim had managed to get out and shut the car door, slowed by his lack of footwear. By the time he got inside she already had a small armful of stuff.

“Don’t go crazy, we’ll need to pay here.” With this admonition she buzzed off, scouring the store.

Tim managed to grab most of the basics he was looking for. Socks and boxers, a cheap toothbrush and some travel toiletries. Much of it was patterned in blue and white, some of it emblazoned with “Generals”. He put his modest pile next to Rachels on the counter and raised his eyebrow enquiringly. She seemed more comfortable with their role in this world, he’d gladly let her take the lead. She looked coolly at him as she chatted with the cashier who was ringing up their goods. Tim hoped they’d think it was some sort of freshman basket thing. Despite that, for the life of him, Tim couldn’t tell if it was that time of the year.

He wandered a few feet away to look at the nearby magnets and shot glasses. Probably not too long ago this would have held a rounder of post cards. Rachel had finished while he browsed and mused, marching out of the store with two plastic bags firmly in hand. He dutifully followed her out into the light.

Rachel tossed the bags in the back of the car and took a few steps away. For once Tim was glad for the time. He propped open the rear passenger door and sat, fresh socks and shoes in hand. Tim wiped the bottom of his feet to lose the dirt he’d accumulated walking around barefoot all morning. He stretched his legs and spun his feet in lazy circles in the air while opening a pack of socks, pinching a pair between his fingers, both to gauge their softness and to make sure they were indeed real.

Tim started to hurry, pulling the socks on and jamming his feet into his shoes. Rachel was almost done and he was not sure she would wait for him. This despite her being the cause of one hundred percent of their delays and side tracks so far. He closed the car up and got into the front seat, buckling his seat belt as she bent down to snuff the last of her cigarette. Rachel got into the car just after him.

“Lets go.” She kind of stank again, acrid against his nostrils.

The GPS was already showing them the way to their next destination. Buckling as she backed up Rachel sped towards their next stop.

Before Tim could even form a coherent conversation starter they were there, Rachel pulling directly in front of a large terraced house. Tim knew they were not in a spot this time because their car now completely blocked the stairs that led up to what looked like the visitor center.

Rachel hopped out and looked around, making a small circle through the lot to read the various trail boards and get the lay of the area. She stopped for a while to stare at bulwarks that were raised from a small stream, near a man-made waterfall. She looked at the water pensively, taking a few pulls from the pen sized stick she held. Tim left her to it. He wasn’t much of an outdoors guy and whatever she was thinking wasn’t meant for him.

Rachel walked back to the car after a few minutes, flinty eyed and tight lipped. Tim tried to read this as best he could. She was pissed. But not at him. It was more…resolute. Whatever she had been thinking had brought to the surface the incredibly powerful emotions she tried to keep hidden. Needed to keep hidden. Having her dwell on thoughts like this wouldn’t be constructive…shit. He had to ask.

Tim let her get back in the car but spoke before she could put the car into gear. He thought it’d be better to try and get this out now then have her drive like this.

“Tell me. If you want.”

She looked at him incredulous. Vulnerable.

“What?”

“What you’re thinking.” He dove. “Why you’re here.”

Tim had posed the question expecting the answer to be a complete breakdown or a punch straight to his throat. Neither happened. Rachel put the car in gear, and drove. And spoke.

“I had a pretty shitty life when I was young. I always felt worthless. Like it didn’t matter if I existed.” She looked at him, an earnestness not to be doubted. “And I felt that way because I was told that. Treated that way.”

Her look turned to a warning. She wasn’t telling him this for his pity. She was telling him because it was a fact and it was her story.

“I beat that feeling. I silenced that voice…mostly anyway. I had a husband and it was true love.” She glanced his way daring, just daring, him to question that assertion. “Three wonderful children. Amazing animals. I did that. I did the work, and tried so hard and would do anything for anybody. I’ve had thousands of moments that I’d be happy to live in forever. Millions. I wanted to try to remember it all clearly one more time. See their faces and hear their laughter. Make it fresh in my mind... That can never be taken from you, you know? Who you are.”

Here she looked at him, genuinely curious.

“What does that mean?” He had no idea.

“You’re who you are forever. Which for some people is bliss and others agony. We get to choose which it is, and I chose right!” She was imploring him but he didn’t know for what.

“I understand. It was always little things that stayed most strongly with me, small memories. For my wife it was different. For her it was the holidays. Big birthdays, extravagant vacations. Those were always her favorite times.” He sat back; eyes unfocused on the road they traveled. “Not me. I still remember lining up all their matchbox cars with them. Pulling them around in a wagon and singing nonsense songs at the top of our lungs. The time we sat out on the porch in a thunderstorm, huddled together and feeding sunflower seeds to the dog between the rumbles. Lightning flashed, the rain was pouring so hard it was coming straight down, the air smelt like fresh wet dirt…”

He was lost in this memory and others. Plenty like it. He had felt blessed despite not being an overly religious person. He appreciated every single day he woke up to a healthy family. Until he didn’t.

Rachel simply nodded her understanding and pushed the car towards the nearest southern highway, no set destination in their GPS.

“So where to?” An innocuous question.

Tim dug out his phone and poked through it.

“Hope. Hope, Arkansas.” He felt a little silly saying it in the light of day.

She mulled this over briefly then nodded. “Sounds good.”